Yesterday felt like the longest day ever. \u00a0I am not sure I can express all my thoughts and emotions, or even if that is necessary and yet I felt such acute pain that I did not know how \u00a0to make dull.<\/p>\n
Father’s Day… it’s a day that I can usually cope with by celebrating Sanj and his role to our family, father to his six sons and the blessing he is. \u00a0Usually I can cope and ignore that dull pain of having a father that is and always has been absent. \u00a0 \u00a0This year, not so much and to add to it, it was suffocating.<\/p>\n
At church, there was a panel of father and child combinations, Sanj and Sammy being one of the combos. \u00a0There was a married daughter and her father and then a married son and his father. \u00a0There were questions that were asked by the pastor and answered then by each set.<\/p>\n
I was fine. \u00a0I was able to blank it out. \u00a0I tuned out the songs that talked about our Father’s love. \u00a0Sometimes it just hurts. \u00a0Sometimes, most times, I am ok with and grateful to my Heavenly Father for His constant love and care. \u00a0I am usually about to deal with the fact that my earthly father is messed up.<\/p>\n
Then a question was asked of how the father showed loved to them, the child, an example of this. \u00a0The daughter talked about how her car had broken down and how her father drove the few hours to her school and switched cars with her, and took her car to deal with so she didn’t have to worry.<\/p>\n
Seems normal, seems almost in sequential, something that most would do, right? \u00a0Suddenly I felt my tears spring up. \u00a0I felt my heart do that thing that I hate, you know, when you know those emotions that are so locked tight, start to unravel and you know you are in trouble…<\/p>\n
I was driving home from university, with a car full of girls. \u00a0We were all heading home for break. \u00a0My car (the one my dad gave me to use) broke down right there on the highway, about 30-45 minutes from home. \u00a0Ugh!!!! \u00a0No cell phones back in the day. \u00a0I am not sure even how I phoned home but my dad told me that basically it was my problem and I was to deal with it. \u00a0He was not coming to get me.<\/p>\n
I can remember so clearly, feeling numb and horrified and embarrassed. \u00a0How do I face these girls and tell them my dad \u00a0isn’t coming? \u00a0How do I deal with this? \u00a0I can see so clearly where the car sat, on the side of the road. \u00a0I can feel my heart as it felt then. \u00a0Heavy, loaded and sad.<\/p>\n
I don’t remember all the details from that point. \u00a0Another dad came and got us. \u00a0And then this dad and his son went back and pulled my car home. \u00a0I remember my dad having no shame, as they came to the door.<\/p>\n
What does it take for a dad to not be there for his kid? \u00a0The child that he brought into the world? \u00a0What does it take to turn your back on your kid when they need you?<\/p>\n
Last night I lay with Sanj, disrupting his weird show, Game of Thrones, and cried. \u00a0I cried for me. \u00a0I cried for the friend whose dad died and her heart is so full of grief. \u00a0I cried for the little girl that realized that her dad just doesn’t care. \u00a0I cried. \u00a0I looked at the clock and was grateful to see that it was late enough that I could end the day.<\/p>\n
I woke up with morning grateful that yesterday was over. \u00a0I woke up this morning so grateful to my Heavenly Father for always having my back.<\/p>\n
\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Yesterday felt like the longest day ever. \u00a0I am not sure I can express all my thoughts and emotions, or even if that is necessary and yet I felt such acute pain that I did not know how \u00a0to make … Continue reading