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<\/a><\/p>\nI miss writing.\u00a0 I love the Facebook\u00a0 memories as it brings back old posts and usually makes me laugh at the craziness of life with the boys in the younger days.\u00a0 I wish I could write more of life with the boys now as teens and young men but … yah, \u00a0they would not like that.<\/p>\n
There are so many things that I feel like I need\/want to write about and yet how do I\u00a0 chose?\u00a0 I want to write about #metoo<\/strong> and share how God has been so amazing in answering my prayers and how healing and sharing has been so cool.\u00a0\u00a0 I realize that “cool” is a odd word to use here but I really can’t think of a better word.\u00a0 I want to write about death, dying and watching someone you love suffer.\u00a0 I am not sure HOW people cope and live again after this passes.\u00a0 I want to write about other not so intense thoughts and yet today I have decided to write about something close to my heart.<\/p>\n #BellLetsTalk<\/strong> when this campaign started, it was the year that I realized that I was suffering from something significant.\u00a0 I realized that I needed help.\u00a0 I realized that I was suffering from something I didn’t understand and found that fear was a little bit overwhelming at the emotions and feelings that seemed to overtake me and I wasn’t sure who I was.<\/p>\n I have had a crazy year and this month marks the one year anniversary of a time in my life that I never want to relive.\u00a0 I am sharing with the intent and hope that maybe my story can and will encourage someone that is struggling.<\/p>\n My story is one that I can only remember parts of and that in it self is scary and frustrating. I know this started in December 2016 sometime but only know this because I have been told.\u00a0 I was having severe panic attacks, I think.\u00a0 I was so bad I could not be left alone.\u00a0 I had beautiful friends that babysat me while Sanj was at work.\u00a0 Then the boys would pick me up after school and we would go home.\u00a0 Again, I do not remember any of this.<\/p>\n For Christmas, we took the boys away.\u00a0 I felt happy, relaxed and me.\u00a0 In the plane, as we got closer to our destination, panic attacks began again.\u00a0 And continued consecutively, over and over.\u00a0 I was so mad.\u00a0 And frustrated.\u00a0 And annoyed.\u00a0 And Mad.\u00a0 Our week away was filled with none stop attacks.\u00a0 They were mild and yet extremely annoying.\u00a0 That week away was so good for our family.\u00a0 The boys were hilarious and said this was probably the best Christmas.\u00a0 Yah!<\/p>\n January came and the babysitting began again.\u00a0 I just remember sleeping my friends homes and waking up and feeling scared and sad and falling back asleep again.<\/p>\n February came.\u00a0 One day we went shopping for a prom dress for Tyler’s girlfriend, with Tyler, Alexx, Penny (her mom and one of my dearest friends, who is a nurse).\u00a0 We ate lunch at a restaurant.\u00a0 I was not feeling well that day or maybe I was tired so Tyler drove.\u00a0 We went to the dress stores and headed to the car.\u00a0 At this time, Penny noticed I was acting strange.\u00a0 (No comments—lol). \u00a0 Thankfully there was an exit and gas station that they pulled over. \u00a0Penny told Alexx to call 911. \u00a0Apparently I was talking to myself and then after some other nonsense\u00a0 I started to seizure.\u00a0 Then I became violent.<\/p>\n Being in Scarborough, the EMS folks assumed I was on drugs etc. and were a bit rough in their handling. \u00a0Tyler spoke up and said, “This is my mom and she is not like this, please be gentle with her.” \u00a0(Can I tell you how much I love my boys)? \u00a0After this the EMS were great with him, explaining as they went along. \u00a0Penny thought she would ride in the ambulance with me, but Tyler said he was going because I was his mom. \u00a0Here’s the thing, Sanj was in Ottawa with Zachary for a hockey tournament. \u00a0That was about 4 hours away. \u00a0Tyler, Penny and Alexx stayed with me the whole time.<\/p>\n Of course I do not remember any of this. \u00a0Yet they do have “funny” stories about my time in the emergency. \u00a0I was handcuffed or restrained in my bed. \u00a0I had to go to the bathroom and kept begging them to release me. \u00a0My people kept telling me they could not give me my freedom and that I could use the bedpan. \u00a0I am glad that I had enough of myself to refrain from doing so. \u00a0I am so grateful to have God given friends to stay with me through this journey.<\/p>\n Fast forward to being released a day or two later. \u00a0No real reason was found though testing and follow up proceeded the following months. \u00a0Obviously, I was not left alone. \u00a0My poor babies babysat me often in the evenings if Sanj had commitments. \u00a0Josh stayed away from me physically as he was scared that I would seizure again and hurt him, which broke my heart. \u00a0I felt such sadness and guilt knowing how much I was putting my men through. \u00a0I went to work with Sanj each day. \u00a0I was able to slowly work the front desk for bits of time and then I would go lay in the floor in Sanj’s office and sleep 2 hours easily. \u00a0When the boys finished school, they would come pick me up. \u00a0I would go home and sleep again. \u00a0There was not a lot that I could do as exhaustion seemed to consume me. \u00a0 I am not sure how many months this went on. \u00a0The biggest factor was fear. \u00a0I could not be left alone as I was petrified. \u00a0Yes, of another seizure but worse was the panic attacks that over took my world. \u00a0I was scared of being anywhere by myself. \u00a0I could not go to the kitchen \u00a0without looking behind my back and race back upstairs. \u00a0I could not stay at the office alone as \u00a0I had such fear of the boogie man for lack of a better word. \u00a0I felt such fear. \u00a0As I left the shower, I had to race out of there, even though I KNEW there was no way that someone could be there after I just finished.<\/p>\n I went to my doctor so often in tears crying though my visit so scared and frustrated. \u00a0I went on some meds to help with my anxiety and depression. \u00a0I found myself praying to God to please make this all go away.<\/p>\n One day, as we were in church, Sanj was on \u00a0praise team, which meant the music touched me more so than usual, \u00a0the last song played, \u00a0I sat in my seat, unable to stand and wept. \u00a0I do not think I cried so hard (especially in public), begging God to take me as I could not live like this anymore. \u00a0The panic attacks were so severe, the stress on my family was crazy and I was not who I was suppose to be, a mom to my sweet boys and wife to my amazing husband. \u00a0I was not functional. \u00a0Period. \u00a0I could not stand being scared all the time. \u00a0I wept. \u00a0I begged God to please help me. \u00a0I was at my lowest. \u00a0Writing this my chest is tightening and I am pausing to breathe. \u00a0As I cried out, I \u00a0felt someone come hold me. \u00a0A friend (a newer friendship). \u00a0She came from the back where she was sitting \u00a0and held me as I wept, crying the ugly cry. \u00a0She held me. \u00a0After the service, two more ladies and my dearest Penny came, held me and prayed, prayed and asked God for my heart’s desire, to be whole again.`<\/p>\n There’s so much to this story. \u00a0Someday, I will be able to share the whole experience but for today, I am sharing to say there is HOPE. \u00a0It is the 1 year anniversary of my seizure in 2 weeks. \u00a0I am so grateful to say that I am able to stay alone the office, just a month ago. \u00a0I am able to go to the kitchen and take a shower without fear of the boogie man. \u00a0I am working full days and functioning as a “normal” (Ok, my normal, lol) human. \u00a0I am able to being wife and mom and friend. \u00a0I still have fears but for the most part I have found my way back to a life I am comfortable with thanks to God, my incredible husband and sons and dearest friends, all who never gave up on \u00a0me.<\/p>\n It’s Bell Let’s Talk<\/strong> today. \u00a0It is a day I actually love as we work together to fight the stigma of mental illness. \u00a0I am a diabetic. \u00a0I do not think twice about the meds I need to live. \u00a0Why would I be ashamed that I suffer from mental illness? \u00a0I need meds to allow me to function. \u00a0I have had serious trauma that makes me a person that has PTSD. \u00a0I have not always suffered from depression and anxiety but again, trauma has made this a part of my reality. \u00a0Some of us are born with mental illness and it is a way of life. \u00a0I think the word “mental” has a negative connotation to it. \u00a0Yet it is a matter of redefining and accepting mental illness as another one of life’s illnesses and being so grateful for medication and help that there is. \u00a0Counselling is a huge release for me too. \u00a0I have learned to pause and breathe. \u00a0It sounds simple but as someone that has a lot of energy and is called by society a person with ADHD, breathing, really breathing is something I have to pause and remind myself. \u00a0There are moments when I feel like I am sitting on that fence of losing myself again. \u00a0I have learned to pray first and share with those closest to me. \u00a0Sometimes, just sharing is a huge release.<\/p>\n As I come upon my one year anniversary, I realize that this is a time I want to celebrate! \u00a0I made it to my one year of finding myself again. \u00a0Well, that’s not true, I have changed immensely. \u00a0I have learned not to take things like family, friends and my health, especially my mental health for granted. \u00a0Every day that goes without a panic attack or fear of the boogie man is a day that I am so grateful to God for. \u00a0Sanj, be warned, a party is in order!<\/p>\n Let’s talk. \u00a0If you need someone, I am hear to listen. \u00a0Message me… reemasuk@gmail.com. Go to your doctor. \u00a0Call a friend. \u00a0Talking is really the first step. \u00a0My story will not be yours. \u00a0Yet that is the blessing in this, we are all different. \u00a0Yet there is help for each of us, if you just seek it.<\/p>\n My heart is still pounding as I write this and share. \u00a0I write this hoping that it will help someone know that you are not alone.<\/p>\n Dear Jesus, I ask that you reach someone that needs to know they are not alone. \u00a0You are there with them. \u00a0Help them seek out what they need. \u00a0I am so grateful for Your love! \u00a0I love you so much.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Thank you for all those that helped me and continue to help me. \u00a0You know who you are and I love you.<\/p>\n #BellLetsTalk<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I miss writing.\u00a0 I love the Facebook\u00a0 memories as it brings back old posts and usually makes me laugh at the craziness of life with the boys in the younger days.\u00a0 I wish I could write more of life with … Continue reading