This week there was so much in the news about suicide in light of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. \u00a0I suppose it is shocking to many of us considering that they seemed to have everything as judged by society. \u00a0I remember when Robin Williams committed suicide it made an impression on me. \u00a0 \u00a0He was someone that I loved as he was corky, average in his appearance and yet was so gifted to make the world smile. His death made my heart hurt so much for him. \u00a0I read about how despite sharing his depression \u00a0and what other issues he suffered from, he ultimately felt so low \u00a0that it was not worth it. \u00a0Not being, seemed easier.<\/p>\n
Interestingly, while everyone has their opinion, I don’t see suicide as a weakness. \u00a0I see it as sad and horrific for those that are left behind, maybe even selfish (I am sure many think this) but I can’t see it as weakness.<\/p>\n
Here’s my reasoning… How much strength or despair does it take to do it? To hang yourself? \u00a0I can’t imagine that moment when you let go and dangle there… \u00a0I can barely count to three and prick my finger to check my sugars, knowing that sting is coming \u00a0despite the sting lasting a split second, it is something that still makes me pause. \u00a0What does it take to make that one step of no return?<\/p>\n
Suffering from depression over the years, there have been many a time of the 40+ years that life ending seemed so much easier than life continuing. \u00a0Depression is a very dark place. \u00a0It is a very lonely place. \u00a0It is a place that can be so paralyzing. \u00a0Sleep, that kind of sleep that is so deep, that shuts out the world is a place of such comfort.<\/p>\n
Everyone says talk to someone, and I too suggest strongly doing so. \u00a0Any yet, talk to someone that you feel safe with. \u00a0Talk to someone that will really listen. \u00a0Talk to someone that gives you relief by sharing. \u00a0For me, this is my therapist. \u00a0It took a lot of long, dark lonely years to realize that I was not finding the right person. \u00a0Journaling helped me. \u00a0A lot. I know this isn’t for everyone. \u00a0Some people find exercising a relief. \u00a0Some find eating a relief. Singing, dancing, sports, cooking even cleaning can be someone’s relief.<\/p>\n
There are so many times when it’s all so hard. \u00a0There’s so many times that I hate my pills knowing without them, functioning as a somewhat sane person would be impossible. \u00a0I hate the craziness that is a constant in my head. \u00a0My mind is in constant motion. \u00a0My mind finds no rest in sleep. \u00a0My sleep brings about dreams, more often than not, stressful or full of boogie man kind of stuff that I need a light on for me, not my kids. God is truly the One that held my hand and walked with me, often carrying me. \u00a0I know this is a constant. \u00a0Ending it… has come to mind… when I was the lowest… After being rape, I thought of it a lot. \u00a0I was alone. \u00a0After being hurt over and again by my parents, I thought about it. \u00a0I was all alone. \u00a0After pregnancy, not realizing it was severe postpartum depression and there WAS help, I thought about it. \u00a0At my lowest of lows, over the period of time that mental health was in a very bad place, I thought about it. \u00a0I \u00a0felt all alone (even though I wasn’t). \u00a0There have been moments in time, when it was SO HARD. \u00a0And yet, actually hurting myself, I was too scared. \u00a0And God had other plans. \u00a0So He again, carried me. Till I could stand again. \u00a0Till I could see again. \u00a0Till I found hope again. And, I know this is His promise when\/if that horribleness returns.<\/p>\n
PTSD sucks. \u00a0Depression sucks. \u00a0Anxiety sucks. \u00a0Moodiness sucks. Eating disorders suck. Addiction sucks. Personality disorders sucks. \u00a0OCD sucks. \u00a0And the list goes on…<\/p>\n
My life is a yo-yo as far as my depression and anxiety goes. \u00a0For the most part, my meds, doctors and therapist are able to keep me pretty balanced and I can function as a decent mom, wife and friend. \u00a0Then something happens, such as watching my mom dying and then die and then finding my balance after all that pain and the emptiness that comes with her gone, forever. \u00a0I find myself off balance. \u00a0All that pain from yesteryear, all the things that caused my brokenness, that caused me to be labeled someone with post traumatic \u00a0stress disorder comes crashing down. \u00a0All the abuse and betrayal that come with being victimized by the church\/ clergy never seem to be far away and then I feel so weighted.<\/p>\n
I hide it. \u00a0Well, I should say I try to hide it. \u00a0And then they come, “What’s wrong?” \u00a0You don’t seem like yourself, are you ok?” \u00a0The one that cut me, my son, “You know I love you, right?” \u00a0When I question this, as he is usually my child whose love language is not verbal but rather acts of kindness, he said, \u201cYou look sad.”<\/p>\n
I’m not suicidal. \u00a0Yet I see it differently. \u00a0Those that do it, that end it… I don’t see them as weak. \u00a0I see them as ….strong in their pain that it must end. \u00a0I am not advocating suicide. \u00a0I am NOT encouraging suicide. \u00a0AT ALL.<\/p>\n
I am just saying, all the hash tags that are linked to suicide… #talktome #suicideprevention #depression #mentalhealth etc. \u00a0there’s so much more to the hashtags. \u00a0Sometimes reaching someone that can’t reach out to you or anyone outside themselves is important. \u00a0Sometimes instead of asking \u201chow are you,” in passing, ask “how are you” and take time to encourage the real answer. \u00a0I think that the key to truly changing mental health is to see that someone that is really struggling with mental health, is stronger than you think. \u00a0They survived yesterday. \u00a0They are trying to survive today.<\/p>\n
I really don’t know \u00a0how much strength it takes to end it but I assume it must take a lot of darkness and weariness. \u00a0I do know that somedays, getting though 24 hours is a super human feat. \u00a0I do know that many a day, only God grants me that strength.<\/p>\n
I am not alone. \u00a0If this is you, then know you are not alone. \u00a0Yet know that while we may feel alone, maybe surviving \u00a0the 24 hours will bring a day that is much better. \u00a0There is alway hope, if we get past this moment.<\/p>\n
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This week there was so much in the news about suicide in light of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. \u00a0I suppose it is shocking to many of us considering that they seemed to have everything as judged by society. \u00a0I … Continue reading