Fear! I am such a chicken, I realized. I know, everyone is scared of stuff… it is normal. Yet, I am scared of much more than the average person. Of course this probably goes hand in hand that I am far from average! lol<\/p>\n
Yesterday was ski day at the boys school. It is such a great day. Sanj took the day off, Sammy came with us and I picked up Josh and Zach at noon to take them too. Everybody skis. Yes, even Josh. After 2 days of being out, with lessons, my boy was skiing down the hill like a crazy man. I was so proud of him. He was so proud of himself too. Zach is a little pro. He even went down Black Diamond with Sanj and the boys … no fear.<\/p>\n
I have to admit, I really want to ski. I love being the chalet too. The boys always know where to find me for snacks or what nots. I like having the time to read and hang out. Yet, if I am truthful…. I would love to zip down the hill. It looks so easy!<\/p>\n
I tried it… a few years ago. I took a lesson. That was part of the probably, I had a older dude and he did not make me feel comfortable. I felt like he was annoyed to have to deal with me the whole time. Then there was the ski lift. Who thought of that? Really! Here is my real issue.. I am so scared to get off the lift and ski off. It looks easy yet there is that huge chance that I may fall and they would have to stop the lift… and all of a sudden I am back in high school praying that the football doesn’t come my way or that my bat makes contact with the darn ball.<\/p>\n
I am a chicken. I have overcome a lot. Yet as I contemplate all the things I have fears of … it is a long list of things:
-dark bottomless waters
-the dark
-being alone, especially at night
-heights
-mice, rats and rodents
-the boogie man
-some people actually scare me… being in there presence
-skiing and skating
-failing
-getting pregnant (I am not joking)
-cancer
-I could continue but why bother, you get the point… I am a chicken.<\/p>\n
I look at my boys and think that they don’t have fear of little things. They can sleep in a totally dark room, closet open and feet exposed and be totally content.<\/p>\n
I wondered how much of it is that fact that fear was part of my world since I was born. My dad raised his hand on my when I was only a year old. I learned to fear him more and more with each year that passed. Life was not safe. I realize that it sticks with you. There are many things I fear simply because I never trust 100% that it is every OK.<\/p>\n
Yet… I don’t want to not live. So… I have to trust that Sanj will never hit me. I have to trust that he will never cheat on me. I have to trust that we will always love and cherish each other. I have to believe. I have to trust. Life would not be much if I did not chose to trust.<\/p>\n
I trust that the boogie man stays away. I trust that if I had to jump into dark waters that the sharks will not be attracted to me. I trust that if I got cancer or pregnant that God will give me that strength to deal with it all.<\/p>\n
So… as I work to overcoming fears and things that cause me to need a puffer… (a joke)… I think I am going to add a ski lesson to my list. Yup… I blogged it. I am going to do it. Oh Father… please help me and let me not break anything.<\/p>\n
Josh apparently told Sanj yesterday that he wanted to ski with mommy. Grrr… that child! Fear! I am such a chicken, I realized. I know, everyone is scared of stuff… it is normal. Yet, I am scared of much more than the average person. Of course this probably goes hand in hand that I am … Continue reading
Speaking of Josh… he said to me, “Mommy, how come I never dream about you? I want to dream about you.”<\/em> He left me speechless and breathless. A child’s love… what a beautiful thing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"