{"id":1549,"date":"2011-02-08T20:44:42","date_gmt":"2011-02-09T01:44:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/?p=1549"},"modified":"2011-02-08T20:44:42","modified_gmt":"2011-02-09T01:44:42","slug":"today-8","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/?p=1549","title":{"rendered":"Today…."},"content":{"rendered":"

Today I had a hundred different emotions rickashay through me.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

(Photo is just random. \u00a0My crazy smart Max… certainly out of the box in many ways! lol)<\/em><\/p>\n

The biggest being my insecurities.<\/p>\n

Over the years, I have developed skills that give me the ability to organize and orchestrate events. \u00a0I have to admit that my deepest insecurities have stayed down… way down for a while. \u00a0I suppose as I became involved in various projects, succeeded… I felt that I was talented in areas… that I would never have considered “talent.”<\/p>\n

Yet… my biggest insecurity is the level of my smarts. \u00a0I have never been a great student. \u00a0Ever. \u00a0It isn’t that I hated school… but it was always hard. \u00a0Nothing… no one subject came easy to me.<\/p>\n

So often when a kid struggles in reading … they excel in math, \u00a0or some other subject.<\/p>\n

Not me. \u00a0Add to that… I SUCKED at any and all sports. \u00a0I had no artistic ability… (I could be creative yet was not artistic).<\/p>\n

Music… I am a 6th alto. \u00a0 \u00a0I can’t sing. \u00a0I don’t play the piano. \u00a0I was in band, playing the bass drum, out of desperation for that one last fine arts credit. \u00a0My dear band teacher, bless him, Mr. Jensen, conducted the band with one hand and frantically waved his other hand… just for me! \u00a0Poor man. \u00a0As horrible as I was in band, I have to say, I really loved that experience.<\/p>\n

SO… over the years, growing up… I felt inadequate.<\/p>\n

As I grew older, I realized that I was ADHD. \u00a0I have attention deficit with hyper activity. \u00a0The hyperactivity is very obvious if you really know me.<\/p>\n

My mind travels very fast. \u00a0I can process things… many things at one time. \u00a0I feel like my brain is exercising all the time.<\/p>\n

Sometimes I find it very frustrating that my body can’t do all the things my brain has lined up.<\/p>\n

OK… disclaimer… I am having a pity party. \u00a0I am not looking for sympathy or compliments. \u00a0I am just working this out…<\/em><\/p>\n

I have three kids that are capable of traditional learning, even above average kids when they put their minds to it.<\/p>\n

I have two kids (one is still undecided) that are just like me.<\/p>\n

This breaks my heart. \u00a0I found myself balling my eyes out in Sanj’s office about my genes and passing this on to my kids.<\/p>\n

Now these two sons struggle.<\/p>\n

Do you know that it sucks to struggle?<\/p>\n

Every day is a chore. \u00a0Every day is long. \u00a0Every day is exhausting.<\/p>\n

If you happen to be a child that struggles socially too…<\/p>\n

well, the bottom line is school sucks.<\/p>\n

I feel like I let my oldest down academically… not understanding his needs early enough.<\/p>\n

Now my other kid that is struggling is slowly drowning in school.<\/p>\n

I feel like it is now or never.<\/p>\n

I (we) made the decision to pull him out of school in the mornings and work with him at home.<\/p>\n

I feel that what he needs is one on one… concentrating on the areas of struggle.<\/p>\n

I have had only postive support from our school.<\/p>\n

He will go back for lunch recess and the afternoon classes.<\/p>\n

Here’s the thing…<\/p>\n

I passed this on to him. \u00a0My sucky inablity to learn in the box is a pain in the butt gene to have.<\/p>\n

How much that hurts me.<\/p>\n

How is it that I am 40+ and yet feel like I am dumb?<\/p>\n

(Please don’t tell me I am not… \u00a0I know I know… and yet it is like telling a person that thinks they are ugly that they have a nice personality).<\/p>\n

I have always wanted to know my IQ. \u00a0Yet, the truth be told… I was so scared to really know. \u00a0What if I just get affirmation that I am not smart?<\/p>\n

I have tried to take the IQ test on line… but usually give up as they take too long.<\/p>\n

Yes… I know! \u00a0I can laugh at myself too.<\/p>\n

Yet… there are times like today that I hate the me that does not fit in the box. \u00a0How much easier would my life be?<\/p>\n

How much easier a time would my boys have in school?<\/p>\n

Here’s the thing… by the time a kid knows they don’t fit in the box… they have made up their minds that they are not…. smart.<\/p>\n

Words… all the stuff \u00a0I know to say to someone struggling… sound good. Sanj tells me all the time… “You are one of the smartest persons I know.”<\/p>\n

That doesn’t help. \u00a0 It is how I feel inside.<\/p>\n

I feel different. \u00a0I feel like I never fit. \u00a0I feel like it is always hard.<\/p>\n

That’s the reality of a person who lives outside the box.<\/p>\n

Now… can I change my son’s thoughts?<\/p>\n

Can I get him… as we work hard to read at grade level … to believe that he is the most awesomest being?<\/p>\n

You know… if you really knew him. \u00a0 You’d know that he is such a delicious boy. \u00a0You’d know that he is brilliant. \u00a0You’d know that he can remember the smallest detail. \u00a0You’d know that he has a heart so big that it can be barely contained in his being. \u00a0You’d know never to judge a child\/person by the grades they bring home. \u00a0If you really knew him… You couldn’t help but love him.<\/p>\n

\n

Today I had a hundred different emotion rickashay through me.<\/em><\/p>\n

I wish I knew my IQ. <\/em><\/p>\n

I wish I knew I was smart.<\/em><\/p>\n

I wish I really see myself as what I am today rather than let what I was consume me.<\/strong><\/p>\n

That last line is written by Sanj… not me.<\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

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Today I had a hundred different emotions rickashay through me. (Photo is just random. \u00a0My crazy smart Max… certainly out of the box in many ways! lol) The biggest being my insecurities. Over the years, I have developed skills that … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1549"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1549"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1549\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1555,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1549\/revisions\/1555"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1549"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1549"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1549"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}