{"id":4045,"date":"2015-08-30T22:48:55","date_gmt":"2015-08-31T02:48:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/?p=4045"},"modified":"2015-08-31T08:26:28","modified_gmt":"2015-08-31T12:26:28","slug":"trust-and-obey-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/?p=4045","title":{"rendered":"Trust and Obey…"},"content":{"rendered":"

“God doesn’t waste anything, especially pain”<\/em> (Pastor Kenniphas- from today’s sermon). Very rarely will you hear me quoting a sermon… my mind has a hard time staying focused. \u00a0I usually get blessed by the music and then my mind will wander, catching bits here and there. \u00a0Today, I think God was talking directly to me and used the sermon to do so. \u00a0Oh, my mind wandered but there was a lot that was being said that I believe God was knocking me on the head with.<\/p>\n

This week was brutal. \u00a0I didn’t bother to tell anyone because it is the same song that I sing and I am sick of hearing myself, so I can only imagine those close to me hearing it again. \u00a0Especially when the answer is obvious. \u00a0Take my pill. \u00a0Why do I stop? \u00a0I’m not really sure. \u00a0I guess it’s pure laziness. \u00a0I get in bed and the thought of having to get up and take the drugs seems overwhelming… at least this time. \u00a0Then a day and then two go by and I feel good and then figure (even though I know better<\/em>), maybe I don’t need it!!! Lie!!! Then I find myself in a closet, crying. \u00a0Everything seems so hard. \u00a0Everything. \u00a0I tried disguising it \u00a0by giving the right answers or laughing when I don’t feel like it. \u00a0Inevitably I crash. \u00a0Usually the trigger is cleaning \u00a0and then I scream at my people for leaving their crap around. \u00a0Then they all stare. \u00a0Then they know. \u00a0I’ve fallen off the wagon… off my pill.<\/p>\n

Yes, if you read my blog, you know this is something I deal with every so often. \u00a0Yet I have such anger with myself. \u00a0I didn’t ask to be mentally ill. \u00a0I mean, why me? \u00a0I hate all the pills I have to take … if you add my diabetic drugs… yah, I’m swallowing a pharmacy every night. \u00a0I hate meds. \u00a0I hate knowing I am just a few drugs off of losing it. \u00a0This week \u00a0I found myself beseeching \u00a0God to just take me. \u00a0So many look at death as a horror… but I guess I just love knowing that this will be what gets me to God asap. \u00a0How awesome would that be… there is so much pain.\u00a0There is so much pressure. \u00a0There are so many yanking at me in all directions. \u00a0Sometimes it is all so exhausting. \u00a0It’s ridiculous how much life suck out and for what? \u00a0Bills. \u00a0Money. \u00a0Wants. \u00a0I mean why is it so hard? \u00a0I hate watching this I hate struggle. \u00a0I hate how money is such a necessity. \u00a0Sure, we can all pretend it isn’t but really, it is.<\/p>\n

Today as I listened to the sermon… I was totally grabbed by God telling me He doesn’t waste anything, especially my pain. \u00a0Wow. \u00a0I love that. \u00a0I have shared some of the pains in my journey here … a father who was emotionally absent and yet emotionally and physically abusive. \u00a0A life of watching a mom be battered. \u00a0Living in a town and place where I always felt inferior to those around me. \u00a0Rejected. \u00a0Insecure. \u00a0Left wanting so much. \u00a0I mean there was a lot of pain. \u00a0We all experience growing pains. \u00a0Maybe that’s \u00a0what it was to some degree… growing pains and yet my God does not waste anything.<\/em> \u00a0He has and continues to use my pain. \u00a0How humbling. \u00a0How amazing that I am who I am today because God didn’t waste my pain. \u00a0You know \u00a0how much I grew and continue to grow from pain? \u00a0It has made me empathic to others. \u00a0It has made me stronger than I every was. \u00a0 It has \u00a0given me a voice for those that may not be able to even whisper.<\/p>\n

My God does not waste anything, especially my pain.<\/strong> <\/em>\u00a0It always comes down to trusting, doesn’t it? \u00a0Trust and Obey, as there’s no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey. \u00a0Such simpleness … and yet so much truth.<\/p>\n

I often look at my boys and shake me head wondering why they can’t just listen. \u00a0I mean how hard is it to listen? \u00a0I’ve been down this path… I do know some stuff… and yet in many paths, they have to walk and stumble to learn themselves. \u00a0When I think of the frustration I as a parent feel, I can only imagine God, looking at me, saying the SAME thing!!! \u00a0I love knowing that \u00a0God is using my pain. \u00a0He does not waste so I must relax, close my eye and let go… allow myself to follow because… He has me. \u00a0He will catch me. \u00a0 He will always catch me. \u00a0The rest of the stuff… that causes me angst … my crazy pill, my mental health, my worries… God’s there to catch it all. \u00a0I have to TRUST and OBEY as there is really no other way.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“God doesn’t waste anything, especially pain” (Pastor Kenniphas- from today’s sermon). Very rarely will you hear me quoting a sermon… my mind has a hard time staying focused. \u00a0I usually get blessed by the music and then my mind will … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[189,259,258,28,6,1,10,32,140,11,55],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4045"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4045"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4045\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4050,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4045\/revisions\/4050"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4045"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4045"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4045"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}