{"id":4377,"date":"2018-04-14T21:30:59","date_gmt":"2018-04-15T01:30:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/?p=4377"},"modified":"2018-04-14T21:30:59","modified_gmt":"2018-04-15T01:30:59","slug":"holding-on-by-a-thread","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/?p=4377","title":{"rendered":"Holding On By A Thread"},"content":{"rendered":"

It is Saturday evening and it has been that kinda day that you want to put a log in the fire place, stay in your pyjama and get lost in a good book. \u00a0It is mid April and this weekend we are probably having the worst weather of the season. \u00a0It has been freezing rain, little pellets of ice showering down. \u00a0The streets are slick, with ice and snow. \u00a0This is not the weather that \u00a0I care to drive in. \u00a0Around town I see pick up drivers that seem to enjoy swerving around town, causing me stress but Sanj assuring me they are playing. \u00a0Idiots!<\/p>\n

We did go into town for lunch with some of my favourite people (don’t worry, I have a lot of favourites). \u00a0While in town we picked up a few things to make a super delicious dinner and Sanj bought me a little something so I could hear my music from my phone.<\/p>\n

I spent most \u00a0of the afternoon cooking my mom’s lamb curry. \u00a0The men that were home devoured it. \u00a0When it is a treat like lamb, they don’t eat to be full. \u00a0They eat to eat till they cannot possibly eat any more and then… will return a bit later to eat again.<\/p>\n

Church tomorrow is cancelled due to the weather. \u00a0I am actually sad about that because my favourite praise team is up. \u00a0I get such a blessing from the praise part of service and I am amazed that God is slowly healing my heart to actually pay attention to the sermons. (Did I \u00a0write that)?<\/p>\n

I am in a place right now that life is full of God sightings. \u00a0I can’t even call them God sightings because I feel they are more than sighting. \u00a0I feel like I am going to burst with the goodness of God in my life! \u00a0Ok, let me clarify. \u00a0We did not win the lotto so Sanj is still going to have to bust his cute bottom to feed all of us, much less all the \u00a0other zillion and one things that require a pay check. \u00a0I still have all sorts of the typical life stresses. \u00a0I have worries about my kids. \u00a0I have more worries about my kids. \u00a0I worry about our extended families. \u00a0I worry about… Ok you see, I am \u00a0still at the place where I depend on God for all the “stuff” I have always needed Him to provided.<\/p>\n

Yet here is the thing, have you ever “walked through the valley of the shadow of death?” \u00a0I mean this takes on a new meaning. \u00a0After going through a very rough dark crazy year as I have blogged about a few times, I felt like I was out of the darkness. \u00a0I felt like I was going to find me again. \u00a0And then my mom’s sickness took a turn and with the ugliness of an evil force, it dragged us through a path of such … I am not even sure I know a word at this moment to describe the world we were pulled into.<\/p>\n

See, I thought that once my mental health found it’s way back to some semblance of normalness \u00a0 (for me) that life was going to be a smooth ride. \u00a0I mean did I not deserve that? \u00a0I was prepared to spend 2 maybe 3 weeks with my mom. \u00a0She was declining and we thought as I went to be with her it would be a time that was doable for all of us. \u00a0As week 3 passed and week 4 came and then week 5… I was lost in a place where I was all alone. \u00a0The daytime was ok. \u00a0It was busy. \u00a0And when I was not physically doing, I was hanging with my mom, watching all her favourite shows. \u00a0She loved the court shows… did you know there is a show called Paternity Court, 11:30 am every week day… and boy, it is a bit addicting. \u00a0My mom and I would get so irritated if the worker or nurse came at that time! \u00a0I mean was he the father of the child??? \u00a0Ok, I got off track. \u00a0As I was saying, the day times were fine. \u00a0It was the night time, from 11pm to 6am that I was lost in this abyss, in darkness literally and figuratively. \u00a0I have never been apart from my family that long. \u00a0I have never been away from Sanj for more than a few days. \u00a0I have never been a good sleeper when Sanj was away. \u00a0I always had a kid come sleep with me, so his spot wasn’t empty. \u00a0I have never been in a place where I lay there every night, wondering if my mom was going to die. \u00a0I did not sleep. \u00a0I would get up when she would be too quiet and go to her room and stand there with my phone, which provided some light and watch to see if her chest was moving. \u00a0 Sleep was a joke. \u00a0It taunted me with a few winks here and then I would wake and realize that I had only slept a half an hour. \u00a0I texted Sanj many times over the course of the night. \u00a0I would call him and cry my eyes out tell him I could not do this another night. \u00a0And then, in those moments when it was just me looking into the darkness, I would cry out to God. \u00a0I would cry out to Him. I would cry out and beg Him to take this cup away from my mom. \u00a0I would beg Him to please let her die in her sleep. \u00a0Let this ugly disease that had her fighting for each breath release her. \u00a0I was not asking God to not take her, because I think we accepted that but I was begging Him to take her gently.<\/p>\n

I found myself asking God for something. \u00a0I was not sure what but I felt like I was there for me too. \u00a0I knew He was wanting me there for a reason, a reason beyond helping my mom. \u00a0I have over the years had my temper tantrums with God. \u00a0I see Him standing over me, shaking His head, maybe even smiling, saying, “Child, I have you. \u00a0I have you in my arms and you will see.” \u00a0God is so patient with me! \u00a0As I have grown in my walk with my Father, I have not had the tantrums of those yesterdays. \u00a0And yet, while I was at my mom’s, there was a time where I felt I was holding on to my faith by a thread.<\/p>\n

\"Unknown\"<\/a><\/p>\n

God used Sanj to help me hang on to that thread. \u00a0God used my army of warriors that were praying for me to keep hanging on to that thread. \u00a0I am not proud that I let myself get that weak and yet I know that I grew from that moment. \u00a0There were times I begged God to just end all this, \u00a0well as each night passed and slept taunted me, I became more desperate.<\/p>\n

I know that Job in the Bible had it rough! \u00a0I mean really rough. \u00a0I guess that is why God honoured his faith. \u00a0I wondered if that was my Job moment, my lowest, hardest test? \u00a0I realize that there is a lot that could be uglier. \u00a0I really do. \u00a0Yet after coming out of my sickness, I wasn’t sure how strong I was. \u00a0I was constantly waiting for the panic attacks to come. \u00a0I was constantly telling Sanj that I was so scared I was going to break. Again. \u00a0I kept asking God to please help me.<\/p>\n

It is actually 30 days that I have been home. \u00a0It has been 30 days of thanking God for His grace. \u00a0It has been 30 days of being grateful that my mom is at peace. \u00a0It has been 30 days of missing her. \u00a0It has been 30 days of having Sanj hold me and never ever wanting that to stop. \u00a0It has been 30 days of …. well it has been 30 days of God making good on His promise that He has me!<\/p>\n

I am inhaling deeply, something I have learned I need to do to stabilize myself when something feels too big, either good or bad. \u00a0I feel like I am ready. \u00a0I am ready to do it! \u00a0I am so excited that God is leading me in exciting ways. \u00a0And… here’s the thing, I am just so scared that His calling and His listening is so huge. \u00a0I mean, I am realizing that I am His favourite! \u00a0(Yes, I realize that you likely feel that way too… and that’s ok…I won’t break your bubble)!!! \u00a0\ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

Thursday I speak again. \u00a0I am excited. \u00a0I am ready. \u00a0I am asking for God to use my pain for His glory. \u00a0I love that He is and letting me FEEL HIM in such a strong way! \u00a0I love that my thread, that one I was holding on to by that little piece of fibre that I could barely hold on, \u00a0I realize that I was not holding on to that thread alone! \u00a0God had His hands cupping my hands, hanging on to that thread with me! \u00a0I was not alone. \u00a0I hate that I still become so whiny! \u00a0I am almost embarrassed but I love the image of God holding my hands in His, grasping that piece of thread, know that He would not let it go. \u00a0He had me.<\/p>\n

By the way, even though I am pretty sure I am His favourite, He is holding your hand too, if you are barely holding on.<\/p>\n

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It is Saturday evening and it has been that kinda day that you want to put a log in the fire place, stay in your pyjama and get lost in a good book. \u00a0It is mid April and this weekend … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[189,259,28,6,262,1,10,32,13,140,15,5,11,55],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4377"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4377"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4377\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4380,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4377\/revisions\/4380"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4377"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4377"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglovingbreathingboys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4377"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}