I went to my coaching session today. I feel so good. I realized that my love for my dad can be unconditional. I can love him and desire nothing in return (because I know on earth it isn’t going to happen). I am free to love him. I am freeing myself of anger and all that comes with yearning.
I am at the place loving him is OK with no more expectations. I am releasing myself of guilt and worry. I know what will work for me and what won’t. I have been given the strength to see these things though. I feel safe, strong and am finding the peace. It is OK for me to simply love him and yet be unattached.
I also have realized that finding strength, seeking it is also a gift or blessing. It isn’t easy to remove yourself from what is known, and place yourself in the unknown. I am so grateful to God for putting people, my doctor, my husband, my friends and my brother in my life to keep me seeking and searching for that peace.
This is an something my doctor wrote:
“In the past week especially I have been exposed to so much pain,both in myself and especially all around me, mostly in my medical practice, that my eyes have been opened to the fact that pain is a universal human condition. No matter how anyone presents themselves, I have come to see that each and every human being is in pain all the time….. this was new to me!
I think I assumed that many people were feeling fine most of the time, and I believe I have discovered a secret which is a universal truth… it is not so! Most humans are usually in pain, to some degree or other.
If this is so, for me, this changes everything!
If pain is normal, and we stop resisting that, and accept it, stop longing for and scratching for, and believing that is our due to be out of pain, everything about life gets a lot easier to bear I think.
For if pain is normal, then what is to be my response to that?
Love is the balm, the salve, for that universal pain, I think.
As a Christian, being a channel of His peace and love, a branch of the Vine, then it is obvious to me that I am here on this planet to simply act as his agent to allow His love to flow through me!
No, for me, it is profound!
See, yesterday I was at Warkworth correctional institute. A patient of mine has ended up there. His crime occurred because he didn’t have the courage to tell me, his physician, or his wife, about the deep dark things going on inside of him. He knew he should, and he knew that if he did, he might have been able to obtain help,but the reason he chose not was that he feared losing the love of those dear to him,if he revealed the deep dark pain within him. So he bottled up the dark stuff, and he ended up committing a major crime.
His worst fear, however, did not come true.
His wife did not abandon him, and neither did some of his friends and family.
Sitting with him yesterday in the beautiful visiting courtyard area, now a few years after he committed the crime,we had such an amazing talk. He told me that he doesn’t feel worthy of the love of friends and family. I told him,”None of us are worthy of each other’s love,yet love is all we have to give each other, and it’s the only thing that will soothe the pain,so I choose to be here, and I choose to love you. All of us are in pain, most of the time, none of us are worthy, we have all thought, said, or done horrible things to each other. Some of us have been caught and some of us haven’t. I loved you before, I love you now, and I will always love you.”
We talked some more about the commonality of the human condition of misery and pain and talked about listening to each other’s pain, as listening is the other great gift we can offer each other as suffering human beings on this planet. At the end of it all, we gave each other a huge hug, and agreed to see each other again soon.
He told me that he had been considering just “shutting down” and going off into a little world of his own to deal with the relentless of the pain he carries, but that I had brought to his attention another way of dealing with it to consider. He could choose to accept the pain of everything, and then choose to agree to join in and become a part of the solution to the universal pain of us all, rather than resist it, flee it, or just sit and numb it.”
This just made me stop feeling sorry for myself and appreciate the tools God has place in my life to learn to live, deal and accept pain that comes with life. Some of the pain heals, some of it becomes numb, and some does go away yet leaves you changed.
It makes me stop and give thanks for all the baby steps I have successfully taken, even the ones when I fell many times, but always had help getting up.
I also have realized that pain and heart ache are blessings too. Weird? If I had not experienced many heart aches, I would not be able to feel others pains in the way I can. And because this pain is universal it is a ministry of sorts. It (the pain) has strengthened me as a person in every way. It has made me realize that I do not want to ever live life as a victim but rather a surviver.
Pain is universal. But as long as there is love and a shoulder to cry on, it really is bearable. So comes the other gifts of love and friendship. They go hand in hand with pain. I feel great. I feel free and light. I can love unconditional even those that hurt me or cause me fear. Yet I can remain unattached.