I am feeling really sad right now. In the 2 hours in which I picked up my oldest, I feel I have aged 10 years. I feel wrinkles and a tumor coming on.
I went on my Facebook page and there were these moms writing about the gratitude of their children and how wonderful they are. I am not feeling this.
Today it was ugly. Ugly words were said. I said some back. I am so angry. I do not like this child of mine. How could such a selfish being come from me? I am hurt. I am so tired of his view that sees only how things are not about him. He never seems to see the zillion and one things that we do or buy or provide for him.
My oldest and my youngest are 100% certified spoiled brats. I am obviously so not cut out to do this job.
Where can I turn in my resignation?
Sometime in the couple of weeks, I saw a mom I knew years ago. She had twins and a couple of kids. Apparently she decided one day that she did not want to be a mom. She left. Wow… was that an option?
Sometimes, like today, I wonder if they would not be better without me?
I suck at parenting. I am so reactionary. I REACT immediately. I am so emotional. If I could count to 10 before I react… it may be more effective. I usually say something, yes, that I mean at that moment, and then the situation explodes.
Sammy got food into him and then calmed down. I said something and he responds, “I am trying to be nice now.”
What he doesn’t understand is that while the pasta defused his raging teen hormones, I am still fuming. I am hurt. I am not quite as quick about pulling my emotions together.
Who is this child? Where is that boy that I knew? Unfortunately for me, Sammy has always been an emotional roller-coaster.
Maybe I need counseling. Maybe there is a pill that I can pop. Maybe there is the option of just running away. Maybe I need to just quit being mom!
Being a mom was something I always felt I was cut out to be. It is so disheartening to find that it is not in my qualifications.
Maybe I should give knitting another go… I am so discouraged today. In the midst of other people being delighted about the kids God has blessed them with, how can I voice my truth?
What is the truth? I am qualified to raise amazing spoiled brats.
In case you doubt it, I do love them. Don’t they say there is a fine line between love….
Father, God, Jesus…. Please help me. Help me help them. Please.