I am falling… I can feel it.  The first question Sanj will ask is “are you taking your little white pill?”  Truth?  No, I haven’t.  I didn’t take it the last few days.  Why?  Well, once in the cabin, I didn’t have water or the energy to dig it out of my suitcase.  Then coming home, I was too lazy to get it out of the van.  OK… I got it.  I have to put it in my mouth tonight.  I know.

Really though, it can’t just be about my little pill.  I feel so out of control of so many things.  I hate that if I am feeling down, my thought goes to “is my med not working?”  Maybe life just sucks at the moment.  Maybe there is so much overwhelming me right now.  Maybe I just feel so much like I am drowning and there isn’t much around to grab on to.

I miss my peeps.  I like that word.  I know, Max, I am too old to use it, right? lol I don’t care.  Peeps.  Yet at times I wonder who are my peeps?  Where are they?  Why do I feel so alone so much of the time?

I am feeling my age.  What that means is I really miss being “young” and worry about getting older.  I miss my youth.  I wish that I had confidence and believed in me back than.    I am a 40+ and feel like getting older is a bit frightening.  I do know that age is just a number and it is all about the mind.  Yet, I am feeling the process of aging a bit frightening.

Then there is the God thing.  I miss feeling so connected to Him.  When I was younger, it was so easy.  I always felt Him there.  We were so connected.  It was easy maybe because it was just me… me and God.

Now there is a husband, a bunch of kiddies, life that is all consuming.  I talk to God all the time… but I wonder if He hears my chatter as whining.  I need to get back to the basics.  I need to find that Me and Him…  it’s like my pill… I just need to do it.

I felt a mix of confusion this weekend.  Going back to Indian camp made to go back to my roots.  No, not just my Indian heritage, although that was nice to do so, but it was going back to the Adventist church.  It is always such a familiar place to go.  It is like going home for a visit.  There is comfort in familiarity.

Does that makes any sense?  I always feel a little torn… as I wish my kids had that culture… of Adventism… vespers, all the lingo.  Yet I know that where we are does not make this possible.  If we lived for example, near a functional church that fulfilled us as a family, it wouldn’t be a question for me.  Yet, we have been there.  There is not church near us that feeds us or allows us to be as we should be.  Guess there is always judgement, in this kind of a decision.

My girlfriend asked me a little bit ago… “Do you still consider yourself an Adventist?”  I don’t know what that means anymore.  My biggest struggle is the Sabbath.  I do believe that it is the seventh day.  That has never changed for me.  The rest… I don’t think that doctrines will keep one out of heaven.  I want my boys to first and foremost have a real relationship with God, Jesus.  I want them to have a real relationship based on love.  I don’t want my kids to constantly be worried about their “works.”

Sigh.  I guess the other thing that goes with that question is … where would that leave our friendship is I said… no I guess we weren’t SDA anymore?  Sad, eh?  Yet, I know that most of our SDA friends seemed to disappear when we decided to do what works best for our family.  Many never even asked the questions… just did what I am sure I did many a time years ago… assumed that we were lost.

I guess maybe I am selling my friend short.  I hope I am.  I guess I just wish for all the simpleness of once a upon a time.  I can’t help but second guess all these choices.  

I need to find my one to one with my best friend… again.  I am never alone, I know that.  Yet I wish that He could send me a letter, personalized to me… yes, I know… that is what we are to find in the Bible… but just once … I wish God could send me an email.  🙂  Wouldn’t that be great?

I am dreading school starting.  I know, I am jumping topics… but this is all about me, isn’t it!
This year some very special friends will not be a Rhema anymore.  I am so sad about that.  I can’t imagine how it is going to be.  I feel like running away… though that reality is that I know life will go on.  I know our school is God’s school.  Yet… knowing all this, I am sad.  It will be so different.

I feel all these things weighing me down…   I feel the weight of others burdens too.  I wish that money was free flowing.  So much in this earth is weighed down by the lack of money.  That is so frustrating.   I saw a woman putting back stuff today, counting change to pay for her purchases.  As I offered to cover her funds she was short, she was embarrassed.  “I thought I had a $20 in here.”  Money, friendships, God, religion, relationships… sigh.
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2 Responses to Spiraling…

  1. em says:

    I love you….and I hear you. It totally sucks when you are down. Believe me, I know. And mine happens every couple of weeks. I hope yours doesn't get worse as you get older. I am 46, so I am older than you. I do have two great weeks a month, so I guess 50% of the time can't be all that bad. Just email me anytime you feel lousy. After all the times you've been there for me, it's the least I can do.

  2. em says:

    Oh ya. I also wanted to say that at least you have a Christian fellowship that you belong to. That is great. I also miss many, many things about Adventism, but as I am no longer even a Christian it is hard to find fellowship. I definitely believe in God and have a way better relationship with Him than I did as a Christian, but I am not about to become Jewish, or Muslim, or Hindu….although I have given a lot of thought to Buddhism. Imagine how many people will think I am "lost"? LOL