Today I had a hundred different emotions rickashay through me.
(Photo is just random. My crazy smart Max… certainly out of the box in many ways! lol)
The biggest being my insecurities.
Over the years, I have developed skills that give me the ability to organize and orchestrate events. I have to admit that my deepest insecurities have stayed down… way down for a while. I suppose as I became involved in various projects, succeeded… I felt that I was talented in areas… that I would never have considered “talent.”
Yet… my biggest insecurity is the level of my smarts. I have never been a great student. Ever. It isn’t that I hated school… but it was always hard. Nothing… no one subject came easy to me.
So often when a kid struggles in reading … they excel in math, or some other subject.
Not me. Add to that… I SUCKED at any and all sports. I had no artistic ability… (I could be creative yet was not artistic).
Music… I am a 6th alto. I can’t sing. I don’t play the piano. I was in band, playing the bass drum, out of desperation for that one last fine arts credit. My dear band teacher, bless him, Mr. Jensen, conducted the band with one hand and frantically waved his other hand… just for me! Poor man. As horrible as I was in band, I have to say, I really loved that experience.
SO… over the years, growing up… I felt inadequate.
As I grew older, I realized that I was ADHD. I have attention deficit with hyper activity. The hyperactivity is very obvious if you really know me.
My mind travels very fast. I can process things… many things at one time. I feel like my brain is exercising all the time.
Sometimes I find it very frustrating that my body can’t do all the things my brain has lined up.
OK… disclaimer… I am having a pity party. I am not looking for sympathy or compliments. I am just working this out…
I have three kids that are capable of traditional learning, even above average kids when they put their minds to it.
I have two kids (one is still undecided) that are just like me.
This breaks my heart. I found myself balling my eyes out in Sanj’s office about my genes and passing this on to my kids.
Now these two sons struggle.
Do you know that it sucks to struggle?
Every day is a chore. Every day is long. Every day is exhausting.
If you happen to be a child that struggles socially too…
well, the bottom line is school sucks.
I feel like I let my oldest down academically… not understanding his needs early enough.
Now my other kid that is struggling is slowly drowning in school.
I feel like it is now or never.
I (we) made the decision to pull him out of school in the mornings and work with him at home.
I feel that what he needs is one on one… concentrating on the areas of struggle.
I have had only postive support from our school.
He will go back for lunch recess and the afternoon classes.
Here’s the thing…
I passed this on to him. My sucky inablity to learn in the box is a pain in the butt gene to have.
How much that hurts me.
How is it that I am 40+ and yet feel like I am dumb?
(Please don’t tell me I am not… I know I know… and yet it is like telling a person that thinks they are ugly that they have a nice personality).
I have always wanted to know my IQ. Yet, the truth be told… I was so scared to really know. What if I just get affirmation that I am not smart?
I have tried to take the IQ test on line… but usually give up as they take too long.
Yes… I know! I can laugh at myself too.
Yet… there are times like today that I hate the me that does not fit in the box. How much easier would my life be?
How much easier a time would my boys have in school?
Here’s the thing… by the time a kid knows they don’t fit in the box… they have made up their minds that they are not…. smart.
Words… all the stuff I know to say to someone struggling… sound good. Sanj tells me all the time… “You are one of the smartest persons I know.”
That doesn’t help. It is how I feel inside.
I feel different. I feel like I never fit. I feel like it is always hard.
That’s the reality of a person who lives outside the box.
Now… can I change my son’s thoughts?
Can I get him… as we work hard to read at grade level … to believe that he is the most awesomest being?
You know… if you really knew him. You’d know that he is such a delicious boy. You’d know that he is brilliant. You’d know that he can remember the smallest detail. You’d know that he has a heart so big that it can be barely contained in his being. You’d know never to judge a child/person by the grades they bring home. If you really knew him… You couldn’t help but love him.
Today I had a hundred different emotion rickashay through me.
I wish I knew my IQ.
I wish I knew I was smart.
I wish I really see myself as what I am today rather than let what I was consume me.
That last line is written by Sanj… not me.