I am walking through a very interesting time in life.  It’s a time where I have been given a gift and part of that gift is dealing with the magnitude of events that have made me who I am today.  It’s a journey and walking through this path has been scary.  It has been so eye opening and paralyzing in some ways.  I am taking a journey in which I revisit places,  events, dramas and traumas that have all made me who I am today.

As I have matured into the me of today, I have found that life can be and is a very lonely place a place where  best friends become friends and groups of girlfriends can come with such ferocity and then leave without notice.  Just a void is left.  I have often wondered what is wrong with me?  What am I doing wrong?  How can I have such a tight knit group of friends for years and then one day, literally become polite strangers?  I hate that awkwardness of bumping into each other and that weird hug that is forced.

I wonder how a community we are so blessed to have eventually dissipates and we are left just going through the motions of belonging.

Last night I found myself feeling so lonely.  This week I was in a group setting that once felt like home and found myself so lonely in a crowd.

 loneliness |ˈlōnlēnəs|
1 sadness because one has no friends or company: feelings of depression and loneliness.
• the fact of being without companions; solitariness: 

This is not the definition of my loneliness.  As I looked up synonyms for loneliness I found words that just didn’t seem to fit.

One that stuck out was homesickness.  I’m homesick.  It might seem weird that but I am homesick for that period that was so comfortable and homey.  I am homesick for a period that had no time for loneliness.

I guess that means that I am not happy with the change.  Changes in life, in the boys lives, in our social circle are all making me miss yesterday.  I am missing a time when it all was like a puzzle with no pieces missing.  We had community and we were loved, welcomed and we fit.

Maybe that’s it!  I feel like life is going on with a missing piece of a puzzle.  Recently I finished a 1000 piece puzzle ( with lovely help) and at the end, when I was feeling excitement, I realized that ONE PIECE WAS MISSING!!!  It was so maddening.  I left it on the table for weeks, with the hope of finding that missing piece.  It never turned up.  I finally ended up tossing that puzzle.  It was so maddening it was incomplete and without purpose.

I guess I am now at mid life and wonder about the relationships that left me hanging.  I wonder about how they feel.  I mean do they miss me?  How do people do that?  How do people become such a part of your life and then just choose to leave?  I know, some people come for seasons… but right now, I find little comfort in that.

I love people.  With all my heart, I love people.  Then when they leave, it is weird.  There is a hole.  I hate that they have that ability to leave a hole.  The reality is that I loved them. and they left.

We were at a restaurant in town, they  whole family, having supper one night.  Right next to us what a past friendship sitting there.  I know the family felt awkward for me.  I know that they felt my pain.  I know that countless times Sanj has said it was their loss.  I did the fake wave. I sat through the fake chatter.  Then they left.  We ate.  Then I felt a hug and kiss on my shoulder and cheek. They were leaving and decided to have that weird interaction. Me… I felt discombobulated.  I felt hurt.  I felt a void.

Is it me?  I realize that we, having a large family, have kids in various stages of life.  I realize that life happens and people move on, yet the ones that you put effort into, shouldn’t they stay?

I have felt this void and loneliness as I am on this journey right now of discovery.   I realize that I am a people person. OK, I mean I have always been… but there are times now where that loneliness is huge even when I am with people.

I am realizing that maybe it’s part of the journey.  I realize that sometimes, so much more now in the past months, I find myself being still inside, I find myself listening, I find myself feeling,I find myself really ready to do this, I find myself begging God to do His will.

It’s different right now.  I know I have been living His will as best as I knew how … but it’s all changing.  I feel it.

I guess as my boys are shifting rather quickly from boys to men, as life is changing from a comfortable place to an unfamiliar place, God is getting my attention.  Change is never comfortable, especially when the change is unknown, yet it is also exciting.  I am ready.

I realize that loneliness is also a place where I go running to God.  Alone.  I love that.  Maybe it’s  not about loneliness  but about aloneness with God.  I am feeling things.  I suppose the unknown has never really been frighting to me.  I love change.  Yet in this case, I think that “Loneliness is God’s cry for intimacy. If you’re battling with loneliness, that’s God trying to get your attention.”-Pastor Jon French.

God has been getting my attention lately.  I know that I am on an exciting journey, destination unknown, and I am ok with that.  God has never let me down.  Ever.  I need to remind myself of that sometimes.  He has never let me down.  No, He hasn’t answered all my prayers and I don’t know that reason in some cases but I am ok with that. Wow.  Yes, I am actually ok with it.

Maybe there is someone else that is suffering through loneliness right now or maybe I just needed to write to work this all out!  God has been trying to get my attention.  I’m listen, Lord.  Sorry that sometimes You need to SHOUT IT OUT TO ME!

I’m listening.

This entry was posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Loneliness.

  1. nicole says:

    I just found your blog again.
    It’s wonderful to read all about you guys and your lives! (Sanj, in response to your post: you’re a sexy dude, don’t let anyone make you think differently!)

    Know that we think of you often and would LOVE to get together with you. Missed the camp thing.
    Please give us a call, let’s catch up. We really are quite close.
    Old friends not forgotten friends.
    nicole and paul 905-243-8420

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