Maybe I shouldn’t have written my last blog about nice people. I guess it could get you questioning if that is what you are in my life! If you have this blog address… chances are you are not one of them! But as Sanj and I question some of the people in our lives it also makes me think of how to be a real friend.
It has to be somewhat give and take rather than one sided. I hate when someone says, “we should go see a movie…” and I say “Let me know when!” If I am willing to make the effort and be your friend, I expect the same in return. I find it offensive that people do not follow thru… or rather revealing.
There are so many friends from my AU days that i think of so often and wish we could all hook up and have time to catch up. But I also know some people just aren’t the staying in touch type. Yet there is a price for that inability that effects others too.
Sanj has been thinking of his close friends from high school… they were family to each other as it was a boarding school. Yet none of those people were in his live when we got married. And the people that were in our wedding, 90% of them are not in his life now. He is one of those people that is not a good “stay in touch” person. His 25th reunion was a chance to connect again and question the fluffy people in his life.
As a bystander, watching him go thru this journey, it is a little weird as I wasn’t in his life then. These friends have a bond that I can only see and hear about. I had conflicting emotions as he has a lot of “girl friends” and I had to really chose to allow him that space to connect and be close that I don’t often have to do. But as I watched I also saw that these people are so much of who he has become today. I have enjoyed being allowed to be included in that time and see him outside of himself.
It is so important to allow our spouses autonomy… and not make them feel guilty. I realized that I need to encourage Sanj to connect with these friends one on one as that is the only way that friendship can bloom again. it is not as real when the spouses are tagging along… I don’t think that real conversations can grow with the worry of how a spouse may feel etc.
Yet at the same time while it was great for Sanj to reconnect… it made me feel included when he told me his friends wanted to get back to our place to spend time with me. It is a delicate balance… mixing the past and present… one that draws on trust, love and respect. i suppose that is a good basis for a happy marriage as well as friendship.