I had an epiphany of sorts… have you ever prayed for something that you desperately wanted? When you were young and a relationship fell apart and you were sure it was meant to be? Did you pray, beg God to fix it… of course, if it was His will?
I remember this. I remember not understanding how this could not be God’s will. I cried, hurt and spend unimaginable energy on this want.
What does it really mean… “And may Your will be done?” Do I really mean that? I have to admit, if I am truthful… no. I know I should want God’s will to be done but yet really don’t want His will to be anything other than what I want. Does that make sense?
I was thinking of this… of when I was dating this boy… When we broke up… or should I say, when he broke up with me (as the boys keep reminding me)… I was so heartbroken. If you have ever fallen for someone and then been dumped, then you know what I mean. Being the emotional crazy one that I am, amplify my emotions. I was so distraught.
As a parent, when I am forced to say no to one of my boys for something they really want yet I know, as parents know, it is not in their best interest, it hurts me so much to disappoint them. I fret over the decision and think of things to do that may take away some of the disappointment.
I can suddenly see God, watching me, broken and begging. I can only see how much He wanted to tell me to just trust Him… that He had it all under control. He had something so fabulous in store for me and I just had to trust and look to Him.
This boy had always promised me that even if we broke up, he would come to my university graduation. I just knew he would be there and it would be the moment that God would bring us back together again. The weekend of my graduation came. All my dearest friends were there… with their significant other. Sanj was there too. I kept looking for him all weekend.
Here’s the sidebar… ever since I became friends with Sanj my freshman year in university, I loved him. I loved him as a dear friend and yet I always crushed on him forever. He was busy ignoring me. He saw me as a little sister… or something of a childish nuisance that he put up with. When he obviously did not have interest in me… I moved on (so to speak). I actually wrote in my journal, my freshman year, “Please God, can I marry him?” Over the years, while I was still in university and he was working on his Masters, we stayed friends.
The weekend of my graduation, almost everyone I loved was there. It was to be an awesome weekend. Little did I know just how memorable it was to be! The last night we were all together, we were watching a movies. There were couples everywhere… and then there was Sanj and I.
Funny how God works. Did you know God had quite a sense of humour? He chose this moment… to show me His amazing plans. He answered my prayers… the one I prayed a long time ago and forgot about.
I had to experience hurt and pain maybe before I could fully appreciate the gift of love God gave me.
As I was processing all this, I had to pause and realize that now, when I pray as an adult, I really do mean, “Lord, may Your will be done in my life.” As much as I am so done having babies, I still often wonder how come God did not answer my pray for a little girl in my life. How come? I often wonder why?
As I processed this epiphany, I realized that I am good with just knowing and believing that God is in control. He KNOWS what is the best for me. He knows why. Me… I am just meant to trust and obey.
Trust and Obey, for there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.