Feeling Good… Really Good!

I love the weekend.  I will admit that often the weekends are just as busy yet there is something that still gives permission to do less than if that desire is there!

I am still reading the book “A Fine Balance.”  I know so many of you wrote that you loved it.  I can’t say that I am loving it… surprisingly.  It is so depressing… all of it… all the characters.  There does not seem to be light at the end of their tunnel.  I will be glad to finish it.  I will need a seriously light beach read after it.

I have a lot of projects on the go right now.  They are all consuming.  Remember the bathrooms in our school that I want to renovate?  Well, it is a very slow process.  I hate that every little idea has to be “approved,” thought through and often comes with things that just annoy me.  I am not a patient person.  I just want to see things through.  Move on!!!  So, there are a lot of fundraisers happening in the next month or two so see this through so that the boys bathroom will be done by the new year!  Yes!  It will feel so good!

November 13th is the Indian Dinner Fundraiser.  A Taste of India!  It is occupying my mind.  Today I called to see how much renting an elephant from a zoo would be?  It is something that many Indians do for their weddings here in the bigger city.

This is a picture of Cesar…
Image how willing people would be to dress up in a sari (this is a feature that will be available)… and stand by Cesar for a photo?  I would love it!  I am sure it is a pretty penny to do this, for them to bring this elephant to Peterborough for an evening.   I also had the idea of getting our photographer to come  and do a family picture with the ellie.  It would be a different Xmas photo this year!  🙂  
Sigh.  Going hand in hand with the Indian Dinner is redecorating our house, one room at a time.  My office inspired me to get going at it.  

I am working on the family room.  I have a crazy color scheme…  with accents from India.  You know, those pillows with the sequins and sparkles.

Anyways, I am really excited about the process and yet a little scared of the color… till it is actually on the wall in a large swatch so I can see if I love it!

I have quit taking my crazy pill for a few weeks now.  I know, I am doing the typical thing, stop taking it because I am feeling good, yet it is likely that the reason I am feeling good is because of that crazy happy pill.

Yet the funny thing is I feel like me again.  I didn’t know I wasn’t feel like me till now.  I am back to myself though.  Juggling a bunch of crazy big projects all at the same time and loving it and feeling myself shine.

I am not sure what this will mean.  Nor do I recommend it.  I am very aware that a major meltdown can be around the corner.  Yet, at the same time, I feel that maybe I am “feeling” better.  My happy pill was a necessity after the craziness of my dad “rising from the dead.”  I came home after that week of true family craziness, feeling very black and not wanting to go on.

3-4 years later, slowly, I keep setting boundaries for myself.  I know that if someone is hurtful or threatening, it is OK for me to walk away and not feel guilty.  Even if that is family.  Wow… that has taken years, literally to do.

My mom called me tonight, saying that my  dad is wondering why I haven’t called him.  He is here in TO at my brother’s.  My response was, “Well, how come he hasn’t called me?”  He thinks that because he called me on my birthday… I should call him.

Um… no.  I am feeling so much better about the boundaries that are up.  My family will all be together for my middle brother’s kid’s dedication.  They don’t understand boundaries and the need for it… obviously.

I feel good.  I feel safe.  My dad will be here on Saturday night- Monday morning… as he is going back with my youngest brother… to DC.   A little more than 24 hours.  My brother will be here.  Sanj is away till Monday morning… so that will be good too.   It is very stressful to add Sanj to the mix with my dad.  (He does not like him… duh… but it just adds more tension for me).

So… as I was saying… I feel like maybe my crazy pill/my happy pill was sucking some of me away.  Funny… I only confessed to Sanj today that I stopped taking it… He was exhausted listening to the endless flow of energy and chatter of all my ideas.  He looked at me and said so lovingly,  “Um, do you think you could go back on that pill?”  🙂

We will see.  I guess I shouldn’t be self-diagnoisising myself.  Oh well…

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