Victoria Day 2016

It is a gorgeous day out today!!!  This weekend was the long weekend (Victoria Day) and we had wonderful weather to go along with it.  Nothing exciting to say about the weekend except that we had friends over and Sanj gave in to his OCD and cleaned out the garage and cars (both which needed doing).  There was lots of cooking,  (the easy kind) and friends and chilling.  This was the picture Sanj posted, quite pleased with his weekend. 🙄

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Today was Track and Field and I have to work really hard at not passing on my stresses of this day on  to my kids.  I hated it.  I think I would have suffered through most anything then Track and Field!!!

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I love that my boys, the only two that are left in elementary have good attitudes and no fake injury occurred and we all survived!

*** Fake Injury Memory

Tyler must have been Josh’s age and hated Track.  He usually got himself good and worked up to the point of actually making himself sick before we even got there.    (I probably would do it differently now… but)… The 1600 meter race ( you know, the long one… a few times around the track) was the event that Tyler was most stressed about and it was here… he was at the starting line and the gun shouted its permission to begin.  I am pretty sure my pulse was racing too, feeling the stress for my babe.  I had done the good parent advice of, “Just do your best…” and now held me breath watching him fall behind, soon to be the last one in the pack, knowing his esteem was diminishing with each step he was taking.

Just as he was about to  come around the bend of the track, just as the last kid behind him was about to pass, I saw my dear sweet Tyler, fall, grab his ankle and seemed to be quite hurt.  My momma’s heart lurched, as I saw a cast and crutches in my future and my yet must admit I felt some sort of relief and sending thanks to God for this misfortune because I knew this saved his pride.

Tyler hobbled across the field, as the other runners finished the race.  He was half way across the field, when someone shouted, “ICE CREAM!”  Suddenly I saw my hurt child speed across the tarmac and head into line for the treat of the day.  Huh? 😳😂😂😂!!!

Oh my dear boy!  He had found a way to deal with this nightmare and save face.  I heard Josh telling him last week that they were allowed to choose 2 events they didn’t have to participate in.  And Tyler responding something about how unfair that was!  He didn’t have that luxury and had to get hurt!

It is one of those that all is well that ends well! Phew!

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My Zach didn’t realize how tired he is, I suppose.  He had a busy weekend of hanging out.  He told me that he was invited to the movies later tonight.  This picture is good reason why I said no,  and especially not on a school night.

I am hoping to accomplish more writing this week.  Hoping is the operative word! As the weather stays lovely, and the end of the school year comes closer, my TO DO list seems to grow.

I hope your week is a great one!

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Wednesday…

Today was a day that I had 101 errands to do and all I really wanted to do was write.  Ever since I decide to write for real, life has been playing me.  There is no time it seems as my days seem to fill with a bunch of foolishness that has to be done.  I need at least a few hours of uninterrupted time to write.  ARGGGG!  Yet if there is a will there must be a way! Part of what had my day busy is my commitment to be #fitby50.  Is that real?  Yes, I want to be fit by 50.  This means dedicated gym time.  This means not just being happy with 30 minutes of cardio like I used to.  If I made it to the gym, period in a week I used to be so pleased with myself.  Now I’m committed to at least 30 minutes of cardio (my heart really needs it… I want a low heart rate).  Yet there is the weight training aspect.  I am a wimp.  I do a few reps of something and then stop, it hurts or feels hard.  I decided what I needed was a trainer.  Someone that scares me enough to do the work.  Someone that knows their stuff.

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Yup, that’s my Tyler.  This boy lives in the gym. Who better than to train me?  I’m always handing out money, anyways (while he was looking for work) so I may as well hire him!  One of my better decision I’ve made lately.  I found that I want him to be proud of me and trust him.

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OK normally I’d NEVER post a picture of me looking so disgusting.  Yet the disgusting part, sweating and looking rough was after an intense (for me) workout.  I must tell you after we did legs, I had serious difficulty lowering myself on a toilet.  OUCH!!!  lol  So, we’re into week 2 and it is great because Tyler only gets paid for the days we go.  So he’s motivated to get me there.

I hope to figure out the balance of working out, doing the things that need to be done in my day and finding a way to write.

I am adding this silly story just because it’s so random.  A while ago, Sanj asked me to call this piano tuner.  It was someone recommended to him and so he asked me to look him up. Listed under piano tuners were just a handful of names and when I asked Sanj if this was the guy, he said he thought so.  So I called and even asked if this guy was a patient at The Ear Company and he said yes.

The person knocked and I went to the door and he told me that he was there to tune the piano.  There was someone accompanying him who introduced himself as his driver.  The driver, a very friendly guy  told he’d be back at a specified time.  I wish I had a picture of my face.  This guy, the piano tuner was BLIND.  Shortly after I discovered that he also had a significant hearing loss.

I called Sanj and asked if the tuner was blind?  In a voice that I know he’s astounded by something I’ve done, he said, “REEMA, who did you call?!!!  OK, it was impressive watching this guy.  And he was really blind and pretty deaf I figured out very quickly.

Sanj came home and was very nervous and curious… yup!  The piano tuner was indeed deaf.  We ended up finding the correct tuner and had it redone.  I am pretty sure this guy was good in his time, when he could hear.

It’s one of those moments when you can’t actually believe this is happening and grateful that all is well that end’s well.  The piano nor the tuner were not harmed.  We did a good deed of helping a guy make a living. lol

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Mothers Day 2016

Children are a heritage from the Lord…. Blessed is the woman whose quiver is full of them. (Psalms 127:3-5 )

I’m not sure even where to start.  I find as my children get older, my heart seems to grow fuller.  1) I didn’t think I could love them more than when they were little and edible and super sweet. Back then, they thought I was everything, knew everything and loved everything about me!  2) I didn’t think my heart had much more room to hold more love for them.  I mean, I adore them.  They fill me up with pride, irritation, laughter, frustration, adoration and discombobulation.  How is there more room in me to accommodate the continued growth of emotion?

Jordan called me Saturday night, “Oh good, you’re awake! I’m coming home and want to give you your present tonight.”  (If you know me, I love presents)!  He walks in to the bedroom with a beautifully wrapped box (thanks, Autumn) and I loved that he couldn’t wait to give me it  (Much like me, I can’t wait to give a gift).  He got me a lovely workout shirt (I’m working out right now… more on that in another post).  Thank you Jordan for your thoughtfulness.  I love you so much.

Sammy and I had a good fight Saturday.  I mean, I was furious and he was too because of course it was my fault!  I was not happy most of the day with him and was pretty -itchy.  He comes into my room that night too, and says, “Here, I figured you can use your Mother’s Day present right now.”  He handed me :

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Hehe! I was able to see the humour in it and appreciate that he had something for me.  RME!  (Is that an acronym?  It should be.  Rolling My Eyes).  Sammy is back home and I adore him and yet he has a special gift of driving me crazy!!!  (Dear Jesus, please bless this child of mine with a quiver full of girls, after he is married- amen).

Sanj and Josh gave me breakfast in bed — yummy crepes with strawberries and cream.  They also gifted me with a special gift.  These are Sanj’s words:

A few years ago, life got crazy busy… Reema Sukumaran had been in the hospital in Kingston having a hysterectomy. Life at home was crazy without her taking care of us, organizing our lives and keeping us going and on track. When Reema got home, Mother’s Day had snuck up on those of us that depended on her. The boys and I wanted to do something special for Reema and decided to make her something for Mother’s Day.

Taking a lot of time, we strung together a necklace of 24 carrot, yes the edible kind. With great expectation, we presented Reema this gift for Mother’s Day. Men, don’t ever consider this as a potentially awesome option for a Mother’s Day present without other accompanying awesome presents.

This year Josh and I decided to make it right with a much bigger carrot painted in Gold. Just a learning moment for you crafty men , gold paint does not stick to a fresh juicy carrot. You have to look closely to see the gold sparkles on this carrot. Josh by the way loves eating carrots and decided to leave his special mark on this carrot for his mom by taking a nice bite out of it before we craftifed it. Just to prove that men can be taught we made sure this gift was accompanied by strawberry crepes as breakfast in bed and another nice gift that she really wanted. The final laugh however was on us as she wore our bling to CHURCH!

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Have I said how much I adore my husband?  SMH! RME!  The funny part was no one seemed to question me wearing this crazy carrot necklace.  I am not sure if I should be disturbed by that or not!!! (Ok, Sanj did get me what I asked for and so I could enjoy wearing this silly carrot).

After lunch out, the boys and couple of girlfriends all hung out. I took a luxurious nap with Josh by my side, playing.  Supper time came and I loved that the kitchen was bustling with activity.

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Sometimes the best gift is time.  The boys growing up have busy social lives and yet the best gift was having them all home, hanging.

13177239_1327725627242778_335064060281169268_nA picture really does say a 1000 words and yet can be summed in one word: Love. Blessed. Mom. Adored. Family. You pick.

Dear Jesus,

I am so grateful for this full quiver you have blessed me with.  Thank you so much for answering my prayer for a “happy” home all those years ago.  I am so grateful for every moment, even the very hard one, of being mom to these amazing creatures.  I am so thankful for Sanj, my best friend, the father of this crazy crew, for his love and patience that he must muster up to deal with us daily.  You are such a mighty God.  Thank you for blessing me with the gift of Motherhood.

Amen

 

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The Black Dot…

Last night Sanj and I were watching a show, I’d never seen before, I think it’s called The Catch.  In it, the story line talked about when a woman has a black dot on her palm.  Are you familiar with it?  I love how today there is an awareness for abuse in all forms. I know this picture says it has helped 6 women already but this is dated from 2015.  I really hope that women who find the courage to seek help are given that.  I am curious if professionals are aware of this campaign and what they would do to be helpful?

It’s no secret that we came from an abusive home.  My mom sought help once, in 1970s  and was shut down.  Given it was a family member and not a professional but that shut down was all it took for us to live with craziness the next few decades.

Any woman (or man, as I realize abuse isn’t always gender specific) that is brave enough to put a black dot on their palm is a hero.  The reality is abuse is still prevalent.  It isn’t prejudice of economic status, race or gender.  It is still happening today.  I know that it takes such courage to seek help.  It takes courage to stop protecting the abuser  and making excuses for them.  It is crazy  that it is still happening and yet I suppose as long as there is sin, there will be abuse in various forms.

I feel so strongly about this.  Over the years, I have heard from my own friends and family that they have been living through abuse (emotional or physical or both) and are finally standing up… I feel such pride for these women.  They may feel shame for “allowing” it to happen and yet  they are my heroes.  No one allows it to happen.  If this is your reality, it sucks but there is help and hope.  Reach out to someone you trust.  Don’t stop till you find help.  It is out there.

I can’t believe I am writing this but obviously God has been healing me, healing my heart.  I feel sadness for the abuser.  Crazy isn’t it?  Yet I do.   Jesus loves them.  So much.  I believe that usually someone who is abusing is suffering themselves.   I mean how do you hurt someone you love?   How do you hurt someone you promised to love?  How do you hurt your own flesh and blood?

I kinda feel a shiver as I wrote that.  I think that the illness that made my dad hit us is likely in me.  I remember feeling such anger and frustrations and fear that I was unable to control this rage in me.  Now, this was likely or partly post partum … and yet the reality was I think I could have hit and hurt any one of those being that I adore … that are my life … that I promised to love.  Ugh.  I am grateful that I have a support system that wasn’t and still isn’t afraid to call me out.  I was feeling so ugly and desperate inside and yet had no clue where it was coming from or how to rid myself of this horrid feeling.

I am a seeker of happiness.  It is a constant prayer in my heart.  I want to be a happy person.  I want us to be a  happy family ( not perfect ).  I want joy to be part of my life.  God has helped me seek this on a daily basis.  And with that comes the reality that I need help.  Insert a prescription for my crazy/happy pill.  You know, a day or two ago, I ran out, and  as I have often mentioned, I usually feel great.  I think, maybe I’m ok and don’t need my pill.  Sanj called me out last night.  He said, “Reema, you know you need it. Just go get it.”  Grrr.  I hate having to take a pill be feel and be ok.  And yet, I will swallow my pride and my @$?!@#$%$## pill.  I hope one day my kids know and forgive me for all the times I have lost it and know that I take this pill, as I love them so much.

Sigh.  So I can empathize with the abuser and those that are abused because I’ve seen and felt both ends.  I am here writing this to be an encourager to both.  If you are an abuser (and you know in your heart, if you are) there is help for you.  It’s not a black dot on your palm but rather it’s that nudging you feel or that frustration  you feel after losing it.  It’s that promise that you make to her and yourself that NEXT TIME it will be different.  There is help.  Seek it. Please?  Before it’s too late and you lose what is dearest to you.

To the abused… you are so brave.  Braver than you think.  Whether you use a black dot on your palm, or confide in someone or access one of the many organizations, you are strong enough to do.  I promise you are! And I am proud of you for even considering it… that is the first step.

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I think for those that have not suffered abuse, the one thing you can do is be non-judgemental.  It’s easy to say, “Why did you stay?” Or “How could you?” And yet, unless we have walked in that person’s shoes, what do we really know?  I challenge you to be the kind of person Jesus asks us to be.  It’s so scary for some to seek help.  If they come to you, turn to you, it’s really an honor and privilege.  Don’t let them down.  Just love them. Listen.  You’ll know what they need if you listen to your heart.

xoxo

 

 

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The Pause Button…

It’s a Monday.  Its grey, kinda overcast and cool.  I am home today, actually feeling like doing laundry.  I know, I really should check my temperature!  I feel like making comfort food for my boys and just chilling.

I need to make a disclaimer:  All thoughts and statements post here on this site, my blog are thoughts and statements that are mine alone.  Please know that  some of my thoughts and statements may change over a period of time.  None are meant to offend or hurt.

Ok, now I have that out of the way, I can carry on with this post.  I was looking at one of the boys Instagram accounts and noticed their tag line (or what ever it is called) says, “Me and Jesus share the same skin colour.”  (I know, that whole me and Jesus grammar makes my skin crawl).  Cute!

I was looking at the beginning of my posts all the way back beginning in February 2008, as I was inspired by my brother’s blog.   It’s kind of cool that this is a journal of sorts for the boys (if they are every interested) later in life of their growing up years and my thoughts, hopes and concerns for them.

Looking back, I found myself wishing there was a Pause Button for life.

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Many of these aren’t even that old and yet from 3-4 years ago, there is such a difference!!!  Yet there is such a difference! My older ones are pretty much men.  My younger ones are not babies anymore and while the older ones teenitude is slowing disappearing and maturity is beginning to take over, the younger ones seem to be gaining that attitude.  ugh!

The Pause Button would be so cool to just pause life so we could enjoy those moments just a bit longer.  This life, in spite its ups and down, is the only life we have.  (Until heaven, of course)!

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Hard Loving!!!

Today is FRIDAY!!! It really is my favorite day of the week.  I especially love Friday nights because we have nothing on and it is so nice to just put my pajamas on by 5 pm and hang out with the males that may be home.

This week was busy.  I had so much I need to accomplish before I start on a project that I am working on (more on that later).  I did manage to accomplish complete most of the laundry and left is a huge project of moving rooms around which will result in the boys having their own room.

Today was Grandparents Day at the boys school (the younger 2).  It’s always a busy day and one that my boys appreciate as they are excused by lunch and off we go to eat and then it’s an early start to the weekend.  My mom  couldn’t make it this year and my in-laws didn’t come.  So Josh had the youngest fill in grandparent there- Tyler! lol  So cute.

Some of the grandparents know us as we have been at the school forever… (three more years left)!!!  I get such interesting questions.  Now people ask me about the girls in our world.  Here’s the thing, I hear dads all the time saying things about hurting anyone that messes with their “little girl,” so why is it when I say something similar I hear, “Oh, you’re one of those moms.”  Huh?  I struggle with the double standard there is out there.  I mean, how come it’s ok for the girl to hurt my babe and I am suppose to just sit there?  Uh uh!  If you hurt my boy, I will not forget.  I mean, my boy may forgive and may be foolish enough to let it go but I will remember.  Here’s the thing,  if you make may baby cry, I will not forget.  How is that unreasonable? Moms have memories of an elephant.  I struggle with the young love.  Oh I know, I was there are one time.  I was an idiot, over and again.  Smh.  I wish I could go back and do it again.  I wish that girls could understand that boys are emotional and break too.  They have hearts that suffer with ugliness and meanness.  They have needs and wants too.  And yet in our society they have a lot of expectation.  As a mom of boys, I find some of it ridiculous.

OK… this is a generalized post… so girls that are in my boys lives, I’m not talking about any one of  you specifically.

I found my journals of yesteryear and wow I had a blast reading my foolishness.  I loved Sanj forever!!! My sil asked me (she and I have been friends since high school), “If you knew you would end up with Sanj, what would you have done different?”

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!  Well, growing up as we did, I grew up with no self esteem.  I mean – NONE.  I felt ugly, useless, stupid, dumb and very alone.  I never thought I was lovable. (The reality is if your father doesn’t love or show you love… the reality is you are going to feel unwanted, period).  I told my dad, as I walked down the isle to Sanj on my wedding day, as my dad was handing me off, “I love you.”  I so needed to hear it from him, once.  My dad’s reply was, “Thank you.”  Sad.  I, of course, I understand so much now but the reality was still reality.  Had I known I was going to have  this life with this amazing human that I get to call my husband, I would have lived harder.  I wouldn’t have been so consumed with boys.  I mean, I got the best, what is the point of looking any further?  I would have hoped that being secure in Sanj’s love, I would have traveled more, played harder and lived freer.

I do see a difference in my boys, coming from a “loving” home.  They have confidence.  They have a mom that loves them hard.  I’m sure it drives them crazy and yet it is who I am… lol I do tend to love hard.  I want my boys to know without a shadow of a doubt that they are loved and cherished.  They are wanted and needed and part of a family.  They would be missed so much if their presence was missing.  Sometimes, I will ask them, individually, “Do you know I love you?”  And can I tell you how much I adore the annoyance in their voice, with a possible eye roll, “YES MOM!”  It is the best answer, ever!  The annoyance means it’s always there!!!  YES!

I realize this post is kinda all over the place but that is me!

And of course, the boys have a dad that loves them to pieces too but this is my post. Sanj can write his own!!!

I started by talking about the girls that are in my boys world.  I talked about them feeling hurt.  Ugh.  I remember that ugly feeling of a break up.  I hope and wish (yes, though I know it is unrealistic) that my babies will find the perfect girl for them with out their hearts being broken or hurt.  I know this could happen if they would just LET ME PICK the lady!!! HEHE!  My point in this post is that if you are lucky enough to be born into a family that loves each other, in words, in actions, in fighting and in loving, it’s a gift.  I’m so glad my boys will never know just how lucky they are.  I hope that they will find a lady that loves them HARD and this continues into the next generation.  I hope that the cycle of not feeling love is broken here.

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I just let out a huge sigh.  I am so grateful to God for hearing my prayers as a little girl.  I am so grateful I have a God that I can turn to.  It is such a gift, love.  If you have a love in your life… stop and appreciate that gift.  It doesn’t  have to be a mate, it can be a parent.  God is so good.

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Rain, Freezing Rain, Snow and Buses Cancelled…

The weather was forecasting crazy weather last night, every thing from snow to rain and everything in between so we woke up with the hope and expectation of a snow day.  Before waking the boys, I checked the web which pronounced that buses were cancelled! Wahoo!  I looked outside and there was nothing.  Sigh.  So while the high school kids were off, I decided to drive the younger boys in.  No sooner did I get home when a ton of snow fell and coloured my world white.  Then the rain fell and it was so gross out and yet I love that look that God created with the freezing rain kinda weather.  So beautiful!!!

12787159_10154509719050828_265741345_oOn the flip side I wore my fave shoes and by the time I got home my feet were soaked and frozen!!!

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So many miss matched thoughts were buzzing though my head today…

***I was thinking of the verdict of the man that killed a grandfather and three little kids, his grandkids and the mom, as she expressed her pain and heart ache as he got just 5-8 years for impaired driving.  I can’t even begin to fathom… this mom’s life will never be the same.  Ever.  Stupidity and selfishness for any one who choices to drive and then drink… why would you ever take that chance, ever?

***I was thinking of people that choose to end their life.. how much pain they must be in to do it… to jump or pull the trigger or… what ever method they use and yet what if tomorrow is better?  They never had that chance… On Facebook, I shared an article,  “The Morning After I Killed Myself”   (click to read), the last paragraph made me pause… “The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. …….The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.”    

There’s always hope until you take that hope away.  It’s hard to get help sometimes, to pick up the phone, to renew your prescription, it’s hard.  Yet not impossible… ask for help.  Seek it.  I think that having a buddy system is a great idea… well it is for me.  You know, at AA, you have a sponsor… your “go to” person… why not have that with let’s say, mental illness (I hate that term).  I love that I have a friend, family member and shoot, even my own kids that will call me out… ask me if I am doing ok… and when I am acting crazy, they love me enough to ask… “Are you taking your crazy/happy pill?”  I realize that having that support is so important to my sanity.  I hate being so lax when it comes to my mental health but… that’s me, I guess!

***I was really missing my boys being younger today.  I was thinking that in 10 years so much will be different.  I’ll be so close to 60 years old… HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE????  Josh will be 20 meaning Sammy will be 30 years old!!! That means  marriages, DILS, grand babies and so much more!!!  This thought came as I saw a couple of houses for sale the last months were SOLD… which got me thinking if this house we are in is are last home or will we move once more with the kids?  I won’t answer that because that would stress Sanj right out.

***Sanj and I were discussing how much we are SO OPPOSITES  of each other!!!  I’m so glad that he is tolerate of my craziness, of me not being a morning person, of being a procrastinator, of being a hyper active person who never stops fidgeting… Oh I could go on… but I adore this guy!

***Is it weird that I was craving KD?  As we are on a journey to better eating and better health, I found myself buying a few boxes of KD Creamy and thought of making it just for me while the boys were in school.  Weird right?  I know.  It’s the first thing I learned to cook.  🙂  Well, speaking of weird… today Max took a box with him to a friend’s home.  I asked him if he enjoyed it… he said he was curious how it would taste if cooked with chocolate milk.  I guess he learned that it didn’t taste so good.  I guess my weirdness gene is a pretty powerful one!  It’s being passed on… lol

Ah… just a few thoughts from my crazy busy, never stops thinking, mind.  My boys surround me, wondering if tomorrow buses will be cancelled again?  I’d say at this point, it’s 50/50.  Hope your day was a great one and your night even better.

Posted in Boys, choices, crazy pill, faith, Family, food, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Humming and Driving Sanj Crazy…

I’m not sure when this started but I seem to hum all the time.  I didn’t realize it until Sanj pointed it out to me.   It’s something that apparently is annoying to him as it occurs in his daily work environment and it’s something he realized he finds irritating.  So … coming home to me humming, often nonsensical stuff (sometimes even the Barney theme song) does not create a relaxing environment.  Haha.  OK, I was not gifted with a pleasant voice.  I can’t  sing. I wish I could as it is very relaxing to me but God blessed me with a high pitched annoying voice.  I’m also hyper by nature.  So humming isn’t something I actually control, it just happens.  Often while I am humming and catch Sanj’s eye, with his cute eyebrow raised… lolol  he never says anything but it is a look of,
“Really?”

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OK, so often thorough my day I will come across stuff (guiltily usually on Huffington Post from Facebook)… and this grabbed my attention… Did you know that humming is GOOD FOR YOU?!!!

So, to my dear husband, I hum for you!  It is a way that I am taking care of me… so you won’t be a widow (or is it widower).  You won’t be allow to deal with your six sons and the crazy phases they are growing through!!!!

These are a few of the benefits of humming that I am able to relate to.  🙂

1: Grounds and brings you back to your centre.  I personally find it helps settle the feeling of being restless or scattered on the inside.

2: Promotes clarity of thinking by refreshing your mind. You can physically feel the vibration of the “hum” clear out the cob webs.

3: Has a very relaxing and soothing effect on your neck, face, head and shoulder muscles, which helps dissolve stress.

4: Humming reduces the number of thoughts that fill your head. When you are humming there is little room for over thinking.

5: Helps dissolve unproductive thinking.  If you are having a bout of negativity, jump straight into a few rounds of “hmmmm” and notice a shift in your thinking.

6: Calms your nervous system as it activates the parasympathetic nervous system.

7:  Improves sinusitis. The vibration helps shifts and clears pathways and blockages.  (Sanj, maybe you should give it a try… for your reoccurring sinusitis).

8: Lowers blood pressure.

(This information was found at www.naturalnews.com and www.healthyliving.com)  The last line in this article did say the following… “Humming does require making noise that others could find irritating, so for best results, it’s probably wise to save the humming for times when one is alone.”

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Broken Heart, ADD and Bucket List

Day 2 in this new year… I’m writing!  Zach asked me what my Bucket List was for this year… and I had to pause.  I’ve given up on New Year’s Resolutions because I suck at the stick to it factor.  (Sanj… stop snickering)!  What is my Bucket List for this year?  Well, I really want to write again.  I miss it.  It, writing feels to therapeutic and yet when I don’t post it, I seem to feel like I have failed and it doesn’t count.

I really need to exercise and fix my diet … but while it is a constant try again, that sounds a little too much like a New Year Resolution.  Ugh!  I really want to better my character.  I want to try harder to be non-judgmental.  I want to tell to just love people, period.  Ugh, sometimes it’s  a hard thing to love those that annoy me or having annoying quirks.

Today my mil (mother-in-law) is in for open heart surgery.  It has me thinking of life and death and that fine line.  It has me wondering what will someone write in my obituary?  Am I living a life that will make me blush with pleasure as they talk about me?  Or will I be shamed?  What about the people that are just not nice?  What do they say?  Do they make it up?  I think a lot of my dad and his death and what we will do and say.

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I’m finding myself restless… being still, waiting and behaving! The only channel on is CNN and foolish chatter about Donald Trump.  Ugh.

It’s a bad day to be ADD!

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#Bell – Let’s Talk!

Did you know that 1 in 5 people suffer from mental health issues?  I’m one of those five people. # Let’s Talk!  Talking … having the courage to talk about this, actually saved me.  After Baby 6 came,  I lost me.  Postpartum blues went  right into depression… heavy and hard and I lost me.  The post baby stuff went into some deep dark depression as stuff happened with family and rocked my world.

Somebody noticed.  Somebody who was educated on this stuff saw something and said something.  The “saw some thing and said something” was key!  IT saved me.  Literally.  Being in a dark place is a very lonely place to be.  So often, while you are there, surviving, one day to the next, surviving 24 hours, is a huge task.  I am one of the five people that suffer with mental health issues.

I’m talking about it as I am here to say that there is help.  It is worth reach out for that help.  I’m so grateful for friends that I can be totally honest with… that I know I can say, “Help” and there is no judgement.  I’m grateful for a husband that truly gets frightened when I am getting lost in that place and supports what ever it is that I need to climb out of that hole.

I am raising kids that understand that if I don’t take my crazy pill or my happy pill or my whatever you want to call it pill, I am going to go to a place they know isn’t pleasant for me or them.  I am hoping that they grow up learning that mental health issues are hereditary, that it is like diabetes that runs in the family.  You just step up and treat what need treating.  I am so grateful that there is help out there.  There are people to talk to … who are educated in this and know how to help.  I’m grateful that there are meds out there to help me stabilize things just as there is meds to help regulate my sugars.

We must do away with the stigma.  We must stop letting mental health issues scare us.  We must learn to respect people that are dealing with this and have the courage to speak out …  Howie Mandel, Clara Hughes… I know there are numerous people that are stepping up and having courage to say… “Let’s Talk…”

Will you help stop the sigma of mental health issues?  # Bell: Let’s Talk!

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Posted in Boys, choices, crazy pill, diabetes- type 2, Family, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Thoughts 9-10am

Today is one of those days… I have so many random thoughts racing through my mind and for maybe just an hour, I’d like to shut it down.  I’d like to stop the mumbo jumbo of so many random thoughts, each relevant in its own right.

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Here at this moment, I am wondering…

* How do I teach my child(ren) to be self sufficient and yet give in to the mama’s heart when they say they are “Starving.”

*At what point do I stop worrying about family – or extended family when that worrying or effort is truly one sided… and yet I press forward because I want my boys to see that family is family— the good, the bad and the ugly.  (Of course this is excluding any abuse occurring).

* I am always hearing about the Type A personality.  I am married to one.  I live with one everyday.  I love one… most of the time. lolol Yet I am not one.  I struggle with this.  I mean should I be one?  If I am not a Type A- I feel like I am being too laid back, or unmotivated or lazy.  Yikes.  Is there a balance?  How do I achieve that ?

*My boys are growing too fast.  I see my teenagers speeding through their high school years and love that they seem happy (at least with others), self confident (for the most part) and making memories that I hope they will laugh through later in life.  I love the time I spend with them (especially when they  are in a good mood).  I love the sharing that occurs, even if they don’t share all, I appreciate that which IS shared.  I know my kids shouldn’t see me as a friend (yet) but I can’t help but love our relationship that is there (most of the time).

*Someone I love and respect asked me why I thought Jesus hasn’t come yet?   (This came up as yesterday was the day in Back to the Future date happened yesterday and I made the comment that back in the day, when we watched the movie, I never thought we’d see 2015!!! I never thought we’d live to see 2000!!! Thus the question was asked… do you wonder why Jesus hasn’t come… do you question if there really is God)?  Ok, so maybe I am naive but no, not really.  See, most of my life, I have HAD to believe in God.  I had to have the hope and faith that there is Someone there for me… through the beatings as a kid, though life’s disappointments, though the moments when I just didn’t think I could do tomorrow (depression overtaking), I mean… almost every day since I had kids… I have had to believe that there is Someone who loves my boys more than me… who is looking out for them when i can’t see their foolishness… I mean believing in God*** it really does help me wake up.  Everyday.  It gives me hope.  It gives me more do overs than I deserve.  I have had to believe that there is a God when Sanj decided to love me!!!  I mean that to me, after some 7 years was like winning the lotto!  I mean, I had to believe in a God when I held each little baby in my arms that first moment.  Or when I look at our family pictures… how can I not believe in a God?

*I was thinking of Christmas coming and how much I love being with the boys (even when they are fighting).   I was thinking of Sanj and the gift I am going to  give him… and of course the gift I hope he gives me!!! lolol  I was thinking of just that time of year when every one seems extra nice…

*I went to PMH (the cancer hospital in TO) with FIL this week.  I haven’t been able to shake off that sadness and despair  I saw and felt while there… of all those super sick people clinging to the chance of life.  I felt like I needed a shower after leave there.  I am so grateful for those that choose on purpose to work those that are so sick.  Thank you.

*Then along the same thought, I was thinking if I could volunteer at hospice.  Could I handle it?

*And.. then all around me there are the fundraisers for cancer research.  Will they find that cure?  Or are they keeping the monies because they must make a stupid amount of money.  And yet… it is not like me to be so pessimistic.

*Then there is a lady in my life… who is dying of cancer.  She has been given 1-6 years to live.  Yet she can’t stop working or she’s lose her house.  And she has kids.  And life is so hard for her all the time.  Sanj is worried about me being pulled in to her world and yet I really am not sure I can turn away.  She needs someone.  Right?

*Those are a lot of depressing thoughts.

*I miss my brothers.

*I have so much I want to do… and yet right now feel that darkness (depression) threatening to pull me in.  NOOOOO!  And my thoughts… about my meds… how much I hate my med… and how much I need it.

I love Sanj.

I love my boys so much.

I love knowing that God is in control, even when I am feeling out of control.

It’s only 10 am … theses are just some of my thoughts.

Posted in Boys, choices, crazy pill, faith, Family, food, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Did He Really Just Call Me Fat?

This is a post my husband wrote that I am sharing here.  I couldn’t have said it any better, plus he is pretty diplomatic.  :12122713_1186784684670207_7216451552138709083_n

Did He Really Just Call Me Fat ?
Are we ever really satisfied with ourselves, our bodies? I have often considered writing this piece but have never been able to get myself to do it, as it is a sensitive subject for me. Growing up I was always the skinny kid, unhappy with how thin I was. Those bodybuilding ads in the 70s did resonate with me even then as they challenged you to stop being the 90lb. weakling getting sand kicked in your face (I doubt I was even 90lbs. at the time).  My Dad was interestingly enough rather conscious of his fi
tness, which was odd given that we were immigrants with Dad being of East Indian origin, where working out was not consistent with the cultural point of reference. I remember well the day we got that mail order package with all of the cool springs and pulleys and gadgets that made up the Joe Weider workout kit. In the workout kit was an instructional booklet as well as images of a young Arnold Schwartzneger. I remember going upstairs in our garage which was an old barn and doing those chest expansion exercises with the three springed contraption or using the grip strength squeezers that I could barely reach with my fingers or a variety of other contraption based exercises.

The point is that early on in life I became aware of my need to change or at least that was the message that I was getting from somewhere whether it was television or magazines. I was more Gilligan than Arnold at the time and really wanted to be something other than what I was. Through my high school and most of my university years I tried desperately to gain weight, working out and eating whatever I wanted. Needless to say I had very little understanding of what good nutrition was at that time, as it did not seem to matter. As I got older,  what I used to consider a problem (being too thin) disappeared to be replaced by another problem. Genetics and an eat anything diet eventually caught up with me and I was now working out to lose weight and get strong.

Over the years, this battle has been mine and I have educated myself on training methods and nutrition and supplementation and at times, I have been right on top of things. It is funny but when my wife was pregnant with our first son,  I gained far more weight than her, as we ate out constantly eating at those awesome Scarborough Indian restaurants and while I ate and gained weight, Reema ate and threw up, due to her pregnancy. Eventually I would get sick of myself and train hard and lose the weight getting back to some degree of health. Once I ended up losing about 60lbs in about two and a half months training like a mad man and eating like a rabbit.

As I aged, I found that my metabolism and as a result my body no longer responded to my efforts the same way it once did and indeed my thyroid was now a little underactive. Having gained and lost weight so many times I just didn’t have the energy to do it again as I knew exactly how hard it was to do. I have never stopped working out in the last 25 plus years and was in decent shape from a strength perspective I could bench 1.3 times my body weight at age 50 and squat 1.7 times my body weight.   The problem was my body weight had again skyrocketed and I found myself the heaviest I had ever been and now in need of a cholesterol pill. Now here is the real reason I am writing this. For those of us that struggle with weight and body image, we tend to be hyper aware of our shape and size etc. so when those around us feel compelled to openly recognize the fact that we may have gained weight they are not telling us something we don’t know. I have been blown away by the brazen willingness of people to tell me things like…. And I quote, “time to push away from the table”, “you better stop eating now”, “boy you have packed on the pounds”. It goes on and on.

What really boggles me is that this happens in my own clinic quite often by people that I have been taking care of for many years with as much kindness as I can. I have had more patients make these assertions over the years than I care to remember. As I hear these people so willingly be hurtful to me, I wonder if others go through the same thing. Interestingly the people that point this out to me are not consistently in great shape themselves. I must say however that the majority of my patients are kind enough to keep those obvious observations to themselves. In reality I have had people that are in far worse shape than me point out to me that I have put on more than a few pounds. In the recent past, I have managed to find it within myself to get past the hurtfulness of others and get back into shape. I have been able to improve on my strength to weight ratio and am very close to my ideal weight again but interestingly enough, I now have an even harder time with those that point out that I seem to have lost a lot of weight as it seems to be a reminder that others seem to care about how I look which I know is not really fair as that is my own hang-up. It would be nice if we lived in a world where we were a little more sensitive to the feelings of those around us as we each have our own battles in life to deal with and would find kindness far more empowering than thoughtless comments.

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Manners…

Do manners matter?  Are they becoming extinct?  Maybe it is the way I was raised or that I am getting older or… I’m weird (Ok, no comment on that…lol).  Lately I’ve noticed that manners seem to be forgotten.  I’m not talking about kids here… but adults, young and old.

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I was driving to the little grocery store in our little town and there was an older lady getting ready to cross, so I waved her on so she could cross, knowing she was going to be slow.  No worries.  Someday that will be me and I hope to be extended the same courtesy.  This woman looked at me, grumpily.  No wave or appreciation of thanks.  Ok, really?  Being friendly takes but a split second and that gesture will always uplift someone.  Maybe it shouldn’t have bothered me but her rudeness, her grumpy face had me upset. (Obviously).

I was at the mall with the boys doing that dreaded Back to School shop… when I opened the door to exit and waited that split sec since there were a few teen girls behind me.  1) No acknowledgement of thanks 2) They all just walked through, continuing their jibber jabber, while I stood and held the door open.  Really?

Over the years, the boys know how we feel about gratitude.  It’s important. Isn’t it?  It’s funny because if we take the boys out with their friends, let’s say, my boys will always say “Thanks Mom, Dad…” and maybe as a prompt to their sidekick.  I’m usually very surprised at the lack of manners some (a small few ) have.  Shocked and disappointed because it’s just polite.  Isn’t it?

Are manners a thing of the past?  Do they manner?

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Hutt Hutt Hutt….

It’s Monday!  The weekend was rainy, pretty much non stop… and you know  what?  I love that!!!  I love a rainy day or weekend that brings out the need to start a fire, make some comfort food and yes… even do laundry!  I do hate that it required me to go out in it… but oh well, it was all good.  The temperature has changed drastically!  Ok.. I know I’, a minority in this  but I love fall!!! I love sweater weather!!! I love NOT being hot!!! Yes, I said it!  I’m hot all the time in the summer and it’s not comfortable especially because Sanj is always cold. lol So… fall is here, with the coolish weather and I LOVE IT!!! Then there’s the best part of September… it’s my birthday month!!!!  If you know me at all, then enuf said.

One of the worst things that can happen is when the washer or dryer break.  Yes, I hate laundry but I hate it worse that when this happens, I suddenly can’t think about anything aside from the laundry that is piling up!  And the repair people can’t come till later this week.  Really?  Of course that is because it’s still under warranty …. I’m sure if I was paying, they’d be out here yesterday!

Ok, what ever!  It’s going to be a good week.  Last week Josh started football.  He’s a big boy and a home body and a bit of techno addict.  Hockey is not his thing.  WWE has been his thing the last year and a bit.  Trying to help him find his thing has been a journey but  you know, he’s finding himself.  I love that he is his own person.  100%.  I am very proud of his tenacious personality that has a touch of anxiety.  This child of mine is ridiculously huge in his gear!  I love that despite his nervousness and anxiety he did it, he is learning all the stuff that comes with playing football.  I also love that the brothers come and support him, pride on their faces.  Hutt hutt hutt!!!

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Once home, Josh and Sanj have to do the moves…. and then there’s football now that they watch together on tv and even baseball.  My boy is growing up, totally unique and unlike his brothers and yet so much like them.

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Urban Legend?

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First, let me apologize for  the quality of this picture.  It is my regret that I never did actually order this  but thanks to social media it is out there and obtainable!  SO yesterday was picture day for the high school boys.  I’ve learned that this means anything goes… and it’s usually in the backpack and I won’ t be aware of it till the photo is taken.

I want to say this was Tyler’s grade 10 (?) high school picture.  The school has a NO HAT policy, at least for pictures.  This picture is the school picture for the year book as well as their picture that is on there student ID card that they will use year round.

First of all, can I start off by saying my Tyler was a mama’s boy as a child.  He was a nervous sort and scared of the big world out there.  He was not a child to do foolishness and not one that  would have had the guts to do so either.  High school seemed to give him the power to let out his foolish self.

So back to the picture day, a few years + ago.  Tyler put on this Indian garb we had and put the turban in the back pack and off he went.  I guess no one was going to tell him NO HAT rule was in effect.  As he sat down, the photographer didn’t quite know what to make of it.  I mean was Tyler a Sikh? Was the turban part of his religion?  I mean, WHO would dare question this?  Today everyone must be politically correct, Right?  So, there sat my Tyler, straight-faced, wearing a turban and succeed in wearing a “hat” for picture day.

Max mentioned this yesterday, that a teacher was telling about urban legend of sorts of a “boy” who wore a turban to school on picture day … despite the no hat rule. LOLOL

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Housewives and Breastfeeding….

It’s Thursday and I have had 3 days of success… we’ve been on time! Today I was missing my boys. I mean I get asked all the time if I’m thrilled for school to be back in session so the boys are gone? Yet the truth is I enjoy my boys in between the fighting. I mean, seriously, they are hilarious!!! I wish I could remember all that foolishness that is uttered and often leave me speechless and aghast.

Today I was laughing and giving thanks to God for these creatures that He saw fit to intrust me with. They truly have weird and unique minds. I mean, I worry a bit as I realize I am just a bit (lol) eccentric, that they maybe are just weird to the outside world. Do other kids think like for example, my Max?

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So today I picked Max up for his orthodontist appointment. He was worried about being late for his next class. I asked what class… and he replied Hospitality. OK… so Sammy loved Hospitality… he enjoys cooking. Tyler and Jordan too, seemed to enjoy it well enough. All three older boys are able to cook various dishes and are definitely self sufficient. Now Max… is my child that refuses to cook or even make toast, scramble eggs or KD. He is just plain lazy, I guess. He will usually resort to eating cereal if no one “serves” him. SMH.

After a day of Hospitality, I was curious. His explanation of Hospitality was a class for GIRLS and how to behave with company coming … and I am staring at him…. like he is an alien. I mean Sanj and have have pretty traditional roles in our family, neither of us are defined by stereotypical roles. Then Max tells me that the teacher is teaching us like we are house wives. OK… I wish I took selfie of my appalled-ment (I realize this isn’t a real word but it should be). I said a few things… but told him that I’m technically a housewife… offended… and he says, “But you’re not one of those kinds (of housewives).”  Totally concerned, I told him that in this day and age, the woman he marries will expect an equal partnership of sorts…. she’s not going to be putting up with your foolishness. I asked how he thought he’d find a wife like in his head? He replied…. “Why do you think I’m checking out the girls in this class?”

I can’t wait to see what girl will put this child of mine in his place.  lolol

This is a Max post… so I may as well continue. We were in Canadian Tire and as we stood looking for a wire cutter, Max asked me, totally randomly, “Are girls breastfeed?”

Ok, imagine my confusion. Girls? What girls? I looked at him… “You mean, BABY GIRLS?”
He said, “Yes.”
I was so baffled and again a little worried… what is wrong with this child???
I said, “Max, BABIES are breast fed. (Unless they are bottle fed) Period.”
I guess he’s never seen a girl baby breast fed.

Of course I must add this disclaimer… that while Max says and questions things like a fool… usually he’s just doing  it to get my reaction…. and 10/10 I don’t let him down, I’m sure!

I love my boys. I love their spirit and authenticity. I love their inquisitness. I love their play and humour even when it is irreverent. I love that they can share their foolishness— what is hilarious to them, despite the off coloured-ness. I love my connection to them though often enough I will feel a disconnect because well… they are boys, males to be specific. Nuff Said.

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Brussel Sprouts….

It’s afternoon.  Sanj called and seemed surprised that I was home and when I told him what I was doing he seemed even more surprised and said I sounded domesticated. Blah!  I really don’t like that word.  Maybe if he said Domesticated Goddess — it may sound a bit more appealing. lol

On school days, I like having supper on the go by the time the boys are home.  This allows me to hear them and all about their day… well probably just Josh’s day.  The others may give me a few sentences.. if I am lucky.  Anyhow…. today I am making salmon,  brussels sprouts and lemon rice.  Yum!  I love salmon because it’s healthy, mess free and quick.  Brussel sprouts, I used to hate.  Then I messed with it and found a yummy version… and thought I’d inhale it all but discovered my people loved it too! I sliced the brusell sprouts, in as many slices as I can, not worrying if they come out messy.  (Make sure to wash them really good).  Then with a bit of oil and a little smidgen  of butter, sauté the sprouts till they are crispy!  Add a little salt, pepper, garlic and red chilli flakes… and Yum!

Ok…. but since I am home and lunch time came around I made this delish, super yummy, pasta for me.  Weird.  One  portion  which was weird!

Bring to boil the pasta of your choice… I used bow tie as I like the cute shape and lots of salt.

Then made the brussels sprouts as I did above.  Then added turkey bacon, diced.

11998654_10154118441545828_457971666_nYes, I sautéed the wazoo out of it and it was crunchy.  Then add the pasta, some parmesan cheese.   If I had lemon that would have been the icing — a squeeze of it’s juice.  I had more veggies then pasta in the pot so I felt good making it a lighter carb meal.

11911701_10154118441625828_326190798_nI’m fueled up, laundry is under control, supper is known (isn’t that the hardest part… just knowing WHAT to make)?

I hope my babes had a great day — can’t wait to see and hear all about it.

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Butterflies…

I’ve got butterflies in my tummy.  It’s the first day of school.  My boys were up and at it, probably excited and nervous and a whole bunch of other emotions.  I find that I have all those same emotions too.  Summer is over.  I love summer with my boys.  I love the freedom of doing whatever whenever.  I love that we just have fun making memories in between the fighting.  I love the — “What are we going to do today…” and the blank slate that is there…  so I am sad to see summer go.  I am feeling all sorts of emotions as I watched the older boys all leave, on their own, leaving me with just two to drop off… and only one willing to take that annual school picture.

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Josh asked me, “Are you going to be lonely?”  Probably. lol  He also then commented on that fact there was the laundry (which was all around me yesterday as I tried to get a whack of it done) was there to keep me company.   Haha!

 I think of my college boys, Sammy especially, heading into a whole new world.  Of course I know he will be fine as he is such a social being and will no doubt laugh if he knew I had butterflies for him.  Yet… not knowing what you want to be “when you grow up” is a hard thing.  So I worry about him… about him just choosing something… and pray that God will drop upon him that answer … with the impact so heavy … he will know without a doubt what that is.

There’s my Tyler, as he heads into his second year of college, I want for him to find passion in something too.  He wants to be a police.  Yet he must do school first… and while he is on this course, I wish him excitement about his learning.  Is that asking for too much?  I just want him to feel something…. I have butterflies for him because he is my kid that can be anxious and yet not even know that is the emotion that is ruling him.  I pray that God can let Tyler feel that hovering so he knows he is never alone.

My Jordan is heading into his last year of high school!  Wow! How is that possible?  I have butterflies as I think of him proudly grown into a leader, confident and secure.  I pray that God continues to wrap His arms around Jordan and nudge him too, into the path only God knows will give him excitement over his future.  I pray that this last year of high school will be filled with happy memories.

There’s my Max, another high schooler… grade 10… butterflies hover in my belly as I think of this son of mine, fun loving, silly and yet intense and determined.  The butterflies hover as I think of all that could happen while playing and pray for protection and yet wish him that easy- going-ness that makes ones childhood a beauty.  I wonder what God has in store for Max’s future?

I realize that I have a lot of kids!!! Phew!

My two youngest, still in elementary, so much happening during their learning and playing.  I wish the butterflies would calm down as I can’t believe this is Zach’s last year.  He is ready to move onto high school.  He is so much like Sammy, my social being.  There is so much that will occur over this year and I wish him all that endurance that inhale all that learning and playing.

Josh… my butterflies were all over the place as I walked over to him this morning, as he stood in line with his class… I could see him shaking his head… clueing me in that a kiss or anything of that kind was not appropriate! lol  Sob!  He’s such a sweet boy.  He’s such a homebody and yet it was great to see him excited today.  I hope and pray that excitement carries him into the year.  I pray that school is a joy this year and not stressful.  He had great teachers last year.  He learned so much.  I pray for that to continue and his joy for learning to grow.

Here’s to a new school year… 2015-2016.  May the Lord bless each and every one of our babes.

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TODAY..

This time next week, the boys will have completed their first day of school and life will be heading back to more routine and schedule.  This last week is busy with all that last minute stuff and I am mourning the end of summer.  No I am not one of those moms that are happy to see the school year here… and my kids gone.  I actually enjoy the casualness of our days that summer allows.

Today I was in the office to babysit one of Sanj’s employee’s babe.  With a cutie- I believe he was 10 months old.  Josh came along with me to babysit and loved every minute of it.  I was grateful that he didn’t ask again, if we could have a baby!  Josh was great with the baby and the baby seems to reciprocate the same back his enjoyment.  Wow, I forgot about baby mode!  God definitely knew what He was doing having us reproduce at a younger, energetic age! LOL  Again— not sure how the biblical Sarah did it!!!

Today I was confronted with feeling like I was in high school again.  Friendships… and the silly games that get played.  I saw someone at the mall who for a while, I was close to.  Then for some truly unknown reason, she withdrew and we are not friends.  Weird.  I made the effort a few times.  Yet as one would act in high school, so was it treated.  I have to admit smh many a time, feeling the hurt of confusion and having it unresolved.  I hate that feeling … and sadly, I’ve had that happen with three specific friendship where I thought we were all that and then suddenly (and I do mean suddenly) it’s like we broke up.  I take friendship seriously so I’m an all or nothing gal.  I don’t get it.  I have a lot of girlfriends in Peterborough that are my friends.  And I appreciate them and the  fact that we can go out for coffee and catch up and hug and know that I’m here and will be for you. till we make the effort to catch up again.  Then there is that close circle of friends.  The older I get, the smaller that circle becomes.  I get that it’s a reality of life.  I also get that time and life have a way of making some relationships grow.

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I guess as most of my boys are finally growing out of elementary age and on to high school…and college, it changes things too.  Maybe this is a cycle of life.  I don’t know.  Yet as I saw this  former friend, I still felt pain and betrayal.  I suppose a piece of me wants to lash out.  And yet know  I won’t.

When Sanj came home, as we were chatting he made a passing comment that a friend… someone I was close to for a period of time… and then life came and she moved and we become more social passing by friends, died.  She died of an aggressive cancer.  I am shocked.  And saddened.  And wonder if she knew she was a special part of me for that time.  I wonder if she knew that I loved her and appreciated that piece of her that was in my life?

Then I wonder about these unresolved relationships… do I address them with a letter?  Do I just find a way to let it go?  Will I be sorry that they were unresolved it I found out they passed?

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Look Out… Ottawa….

Today is here.  Sammy is off to Ottawa.  Yes, I know I said bye to him already a few months ago but this seems different and harder.  He’s on his own, cooking, living, studying.  I remember my parents driving me to Michigan to drop me off at Andrews University.  In some ways it doesn’t seem that long ago and yet it seems like a life time ago.  I remember waving to them, standing outside the girl’s dorm, feeling butterflies, excitement and fear.

Now my kid is there… of course there are many differences.  He is doing so with his girlfriend. While this isn’t a choice we would make for him, he is making his choices and will learn from his decisions.  I pray for them… and ask God to hover over them with His love and protection and warmth (it’s Ottawa and gets crazy cold there).  I pray for their relationship and that love and respect and laughter are overflowing in their relationship.  I pray that God is center in their world.

Then there’s school- I can only pray that God grabs Sammy and holds his hand as he enters this world of higher learning.  God… please give him patience and will power to dig deep as I know he can and inhale all that knowledge that will give him the tools to grow in his chosen career … and please make that so clear to him, God.  Help him find himself and know Your plan in his life.

Tarah… his girlfriend… please Lord, hover over her as she has left all she knows so far away.  Help her with all she needs… may she feel your peace and love overflowing over her.

Growing up today is so different.  Please Jesus… I pray for all of our friends and families that are taking this step with their young one.  It is never easy to kiss our babies and send them off into the big scary world!!!  May they remember all the things that they have been taught… mainly that You love them so much!  Please help them remember You are right there for them… always.

I start this day… knowing that I have a Heavenly Father who loves my boy more than I even could.  Thank you for all Your promises to take care of our babies.

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Here’s to a great school year!

Sammy- I love you. I am so excited for you.  You will be great!  Study. Study hard.  I’m so proud of the man you are becoming.  We are always here for you.  (Just don’t ask for money!!! lol).  Jesus loves you. Turn to Him.  He is always there.  I am so excited to watch you soar!  Love you to the moon and back!

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