Living Loving Breathing Boys

I haven’t written since Easter… I miss blogging, writing and yet maybe it is just the lack of time or maybe I am just consumed with all that is my life right now… I don’t know but I miss it.  I have written many post since then but never published it.  I guess there are so many things I wanted to post and so I kept waiting till I could do so.

Oh well, that may never happen, the getting caught up. If it does here are some things I want to write about…

- My trip with my brother, Rajiv to England and India…  Such an incredible time!

-Working

-Our new Pup

-My boys and where we are today.

-My first prom

Oh well, one of the things that happened while in India was revisiting the idea of adopting  while there.  My brother said he’d help us to see this through as it is over $20,000 to do this.  I find myself excited as we visited a home of children in India.  I was amazed at the happiness these children have with each other and the simpleness of life.

Upon my return, I began to look into what we would need to do.  Of course the first emotion past excitement was overwhelmingness. Sigh.  I have such a need for immediate gratifation.  A huge fault of mine.

I was always contempating if this is really what I/we want now at this point in life?  We have six boys, two sitting on the edge of taking the leap of leaving home in the next two years.  My youngest is 8 years old.  Yes, he acts much younger and is the true youngest of the family, yet he is still 8 years old and out of that stages of total dependence.

I also have earlier this year started working.  I love my job.  I have found such fulfillment in doing what I do.  I am so eager to see it grow and become a success.

I am 45 years old this September.  I’m closer to 50 than I am not… at least in my heart.  Do I want a little girl?  YES!!!  Yet as I searched deep into my heart, there was such a conflict.

Then Monday night I kept my brother’s 2 children for the night.  A boy age 4 and his sister age 3… Yes, it was fun.  We all survived the night of being away from their mama and dada and then morning came.

I had 8 children to get out the door by 8 am. Wow!

I forgot…

Diapers, wipes, change of clothes, car seats, strollers, bottles, buckling carseats … WOW!

I had forgotten.

We did it.  We left by 8 am ish.  The babes didn’t get bathed.  Clean diapers, still in PJs, they were buckled up and we were off.

We had a great time.

There is nothing like the scent of a little one.

As I drove to work, I called Sanj on my hands-free.

” I think we are done.  Done with babies.  Done with adoption. Done with it all.”

He was quiet.  Then I heard him say, “I think so too.”

LOL

OMG

WOW

Sigh.

I’m a mom of six crazy, wonderful boys whom I adore and get irritated on an hourly bases.  I have hockey sticks, socks, messes all over.  I have stinky armpits after games around me.  I have girls calling over. I overhear the craziest of conversations and find myself giggling at the chatter.  I have protective men in the making over me and that love and adore me, most of the time.

I am done. We are done.  We are a family of 8. Blessed. Beyond.

Today is Easter Friday… it’s often a day of reflection.  Today, while in church, I found myself remembering… it was over 9 years ago, I was in church, it was Easter weekend and I found myself sobbing through the service, wondering where God was?

I had just had a DNC and in my mind, the baby that I was so excited for, so sure that THIS babe was a girl… was sucked out of me.  It was called a molar pregnancy.  It was truly one of the lowest points in my life.  After living through this child’s life within minutes of learning of my pregnancy, I felt such a devastation.  As the songs played in church, I found myself feeling so many emotions.  Of course time does heal wounds, to some extent.  Over the following year, we concieved a being that would be Joshua, our youngest.

Over the last 9 years, I think of this babe that I never had a chance to be mom to.  I think of the pain I feel so sharply in church that day.  I found myself yearning for heaven to come and look forward to knowing I still have a babe that I have yet to meet.

Today, Easter Friday, we were in church.  I remembered this babe. I felt that void.  I sometime look at this box I have of “things that remind me of “her.”  Today, after all these years of pain, I had an epiphany.  I guess I just never really was opened to anything except remembering the pain that was so real to me every Easter… And yet, TODAY I realized that as that experience happened around Easther weekend, the next Easter SUNDAY… guess what?  Josh was born… he was our Easter Baby.

It hit me that I had not had my eyes opened.  And yet when I opened my eyes, God gave me a gift on Easter perhaps to say, “I feel your pain.”  It was such an ephipany!  It’s not about pain… as in the story of Jesus and his death.  Sure there is pain, but there is also reason to rejoice!

Hello Blog!  I’ve missed you.  This is my 1234 blog post! You know I love the number thing.  :)  It’s Sunday afternoon and this means a new week is upon me.  I have started a new phase in my life… I’m working!  (Well outside the house, now).

I’ve always wanted to have my own restaurant… amoug the many other things I’ve wanted to do.  I really do enjoy cooking and trying out recipes and feeding people.  Not so much my family because they can be too picky and not apprecitive of my efforts.  Yet I love inviting friends over and feeding them!

Now I have my own kitchen and am cooking for just under a 100 people at a business in Whitby… three different shifts.  It’s been fun, tiring and challenging on so many levels.  Today I made a Creamy  Chicken Spaghetti Florentine and my boys like it!  Wahoo!  It has spinach in it too so it covers all the bases!  I make a vegetarian version for the surprising number of staff that are veggie.

I have opened a catering company, Reema’s Kitchen and will cater for companies as needed.  Right now I have my first gig, a Super Bowl Party!  I am all over this!

Last week I got my first paycheck and must say it was quite exhilarating!  It definitely adds a couple more “very” to our already very, very busy life.

Friday night I came home and was asleep by 7 pm totally oblivious to all the going ons around me.  I am not used to standing that long, even my bum hurt!

If you think of it, please remember me in your prayers that God gives me the endurance I am going to need to do this.

Hope your Monday is great!

We finally have winter!  It’s cold, the roads are snowy and there is whiteness outside my window!  It is cold!!!  The good thing about the cold, snowy days is that it gives my boys something to do besides screen time.  They have this awesome dad that goes through a lot of trouble every year and makes a rink in the yard.  These freezing cold temps promise a lot of ice time for the boys, meaning that they will expend the never-ending supply of energy they seem to have.  Wahoo!

It means that I begin to look for yummy comfort foods… Tomorrow I am in the mood for making a roast, with scalloped potatoes, green beans and a salad.  Yum… and I don’t even really like meat! Yet I love making foods that everyone loves… I love cooking.  The other day I made the most delicious lasagna … combining my SIL’s recipe of using cream cheese instead of cottage or ricotta cheese and my cousin’s (Tina) recipe of using ground meat as well as sausage, the spicy kind! Yum!  OK was is calorie friendly, nope.  Was it heart smart?  Probably not.  :(  But it was YUMMY!

I’m looking to master scalloped potatoes, I think it’s pretty easy but I just never have made it often enough to remember from one time to the next.

And then I am trying to master a chicken in the oven that is spicy and lemony.  I have a recipe that I often use, cilantra, lemon juice, cumin, black pepper, salt, garlic cloves (lots), ginger all blended together, roughly then mixing in plain yogart.  Mariniate the chicken over night and then BBQ it.  Serve this on pitas, with tomatoes, cucumbers, onions and some of the marinade that was saved… Yum!

I want to make a chicken thigh, boneless and stuffed with onion fried rice… just not sure how to marinade the chicken to compliment the rice….  I’ll let you know what turns up.

I look at Martha Stewart and feel like I could do that… couldn’t you?  Cooking is just mixing this and that together.  As my mom as instructs, “A little bit of this and a little bit of that,”

Anyways, I’m planning a New Year’s Eve Party… not sure who is coming but the food is under control!

 Do you  have big New Years Eve plans?

Did you have a Merry Christmas?

I love Christmas! I love thinking of gifts for those I love … I love all the decorations and lights.  I love all the food and sweets.  I love the Christmas music… I love a day when we are just all together.

Growing up Adventist, we never did the going to church on Christmas thing… but I have to tell you how much I love that tradition, of being with a whole group of people all celebrating Jesus’ birth.

I love Silent Night… How holy that night was and yet how humble a setting was Jesus born in.  Such a simply beginning… I love thinking of Mary, so young and innocent and how awesome a privilage she had and how much pain she would suffer in those few hours of his crucifixion.

I couldn’t help thinking of the families of the Connecticut children that were shot died.  Did their moms buy them their gifts already?  How sad and heavy their hearts must have been and continue to be.

Christmas, it seems to always be such a time of mixed emotions.  I missed being with my family, all of them.  I missed seeing my friends that are now so far away.

Yet there are the things that cause continuous delight… my boys and their happiness at being surprised at the gifts they recieved.  The foods that fill our bellies.  The time of being with each other.

Now we have the following days of just relaxing, sleeping in, hanging out with friends… just what the doctor ordered.  I love waking up to a bunch of bodies, warm and snugglie, understanding I want to sleep and they are content with playing on their ipod or whatever.  Then the restlessness starts, then the touching, then the wrestling of sorts and then the noise… my usual wake up call.

I love my boys so much.  Oh don’t get me wrong, they can be drive me to the brinks of needing to be committed…. but I adore them.  They warm my heart… and I truly can’t imagine life without them.

The other night, Sammy, my social child, wanted to go help the neigbour girl, driving with  her to Whitby, help move her cousin back here to our neighbour’s house.  It was already 7 ish in the evening.  They were calling for snow.  My gut told me no.  And yet, Sammy has the persuasion skills of the best of them.  We let him go, told him to make sure his phone was on and text us with what was happening.

I found myself reading, awaiting for him to come in and yell, “Mommy, I’m home” and then I would go to sleep.  Yet, I feel alseep and woke up with the need to go to the bathroom.  Suddenly, I realized I had fallen asleep and didn’t remember Sammy saying he was home.  I looked at the time, it was 3:30 a.m., I peeked into his room where his bed was empty.  Panicked, I called his cell.  NO ANSWER!  My first thought was, “I’m gonna kill him!”  My next thought was, “What if he was dead on the road somewhere?”

I kept texting, knowing his phone had likely died by now, and found myself begging God to please keep him safe, to bring this child who drives me bonkers, home to continue to drive me bonkers.  I couldn’t imagine our world without Sammy in it.  My heart raced at an abnormal rate.  Sanj, whom I woke up, muttered an “Oh NO…” and then continued his snoring.

Then there was that welcomed beep.  Incoming text.  Never have I been so happy to hear that sound!

Sammy…. he was alive, well and on his way home, after dealing with a broken down vehicle, waited for the father to show up and the roads were horrible so it was slow going. Phew.

First I can’t imagine not having the faith in a Father above who is in control of all things.  I am so grateful to Him of all things.  Then  after I got Sammy’s text, after I thanked God over and over for His mercies, I found myself haunted by the thoughts of the 26 little ones that have parents that must get through the holidays for their other little ones.

I know that every day we live with love of family and friends, even sometimes strangers, is a day filled with blessing, that I must never take forgranted.

Hope your Christmas was filled with love, family and food.

xoxo

I’m getting so excited!!! How many more sleeps?  Till what, you may ask… well the first date I’m counting down till is only ONE MORE SLEEP away!!! That’s when school FINALLY gets out and it means a couple of weeks of sleeping in and no making those horrid lunches that my kids never really eat anyways.  So, I am so pleased that we can all enjoy those lazy mornings… something I can’t not express how much I love them!

Then there is the count down till Christmas! 5 more sleeps!!!  OK… I’m really like a kid, I love Christmas!  I love it all… the trees, the excitement, the presents and this year I have a couple of GREAT gifts for some of my boys and can’t wait to see their reactions! lol  One is really a fun gift but he is going to love it!  It’s sometimes one of those DIY gifts that make the greatest ones! lol  Of course, there is the excitement of WHAT is under there for me???  lol  OK I know, it’s really the thought that counts but really if you get a fabulous gift that just makes it all the better, doesn’t it?  :)

Today we gave the office staff their Christmas presents… at the office Christmas luncheon.  Usually every year, there is the sour pusses that make sure they cause the usual tension.  We have added some new staff and today was one of those days where giving a gift that is received with joy and gratitude is what the gift giver loves!

You know what I mean, right?  Sanj gave his staff Ugg mittens for Christmas, for most people this is a luxury.  This one friend/staff member was so touch and blown away she was actually shaking.  It was SO sweet!  I loved her reaction!

There is something about being a giver, it’s a gift of sorts in itself.  Yet there is something even more beautiful in a gracious reciever.  It’s a hard thing to do, especially if you are usually the giver but think of the thought and effort that went into a gift… and how insulting it is to not accept with another reaction then grace?

It’s so funny but Sanj is the worst when it comes to reacting… it’s his personality, I suppose… but I usually am the excitable sort and react with huge squeals of delight and excitement… I just can’t help it!  I love gifts!!!  Sanj loves gifts too, (I think) but never reacts.  At first, I was offended.  Then a little hurt. Then disappointed, I mean How can you not react with delight at gifts?  My MIL is like this too so I suppose Sanj gets it honestly.  And it is passed on… at least half the boys are non-reactive.  I told my MIL once, I put a lot into this gift, so I wasn’t to see a happy reaction!  I think Sanj was shocked I even said it, my MIL looked a little shocked too but laughed. (phew).

So, I am prepping Max… I made him the greatest (in my option) little DIY gift and I know he is going to love it but I am hoping for a reaction!!!

Sigh.  Maybe I have too high expectations.  Eh?  Here it is a few days till Christmas and I am still very stumped on Sanj’s gift.  I usually have a great idea months ahead of time but this year… stumped.  We agreed on doing stockings for each other but I am really pretty sure he got a real gift for me (probably because it was easier then filling a stocking of nick naks and much less shopping… lol

If you have any ideas, please let me know!!!

Oh and enjoy!

I have felt numb the last few days and yet still felt the need to write the emotions that seem to overflow within me if for no other reasons to let remind my boys how much I desperately love them.

Newtown, Connecticut, the lose of so many little babes, who barely had a chance to live, their parents, their siblings, their teachers and their families… I mean how …. what word even begins to describe the unimaginable pain and horror?  

I was driving yesterday into Toronto, after dropping off the boys … and felt this uncontrollable need to weep…  praying, actually begging God to let me see their beautiful faces at the end of the day.  I just couldn’t help image if my kids were those poor children, if Josh (age 7) was dealt with the horror those children faced… what would his little heart do?

I can’t help think of Adam Lanzsa’s mom and her heartbreak and fear as her own son pointed his gun on her… of Adam’s brother, his nightmare of living now with his mom dead and all the things he will have to deal with due to his bloodline.  Or of the father….

Then I can’t even image the emptiness that has filled the moms of these babes, of their raw grief… of how life has to go on and yet how do they, will they do that?

I can’t imagine and yet I feel such grief for all the people, families affected.  And then I selfishly snuggle with my 7 year old, hug my 10 year old, hold my 13 year old’s hand for the few moments he allows, ruffle my 15 year old’s hair, playfully punch my 16 year old and snuggle (yes, he allowed it) on my 17 year old for a moment… listening to the beating heart… grateful and yet feeling pain, such raw pain from one mom to another, across the miles.

I am reminded for a moment of all that is important… all that we have as a family and stop and simply say “Thank you, Jesus.”  And then pray for strength for all those that need it to simply get through today.

Today is 12*12*12!  Love this kind of thing!  It will only happen today!  It is the last repetive date we will ever see! I feel like we should celebrate somehow!  But how…

I am feeling so much better!  Definitely back to my ole self, almost.  Thank God for drugs!  (The good kind).  Now to play catch up… there’s so much that needs my attention.  I hope that spending the day home puts a dent in my list.

This weekend a friend of mine invited me to Toronto with her daughter to do some Christmas shopping.  We left early and came home late and I have to say it was pretty good medicine!

I still have no idea WHAT to get Sanj!  I am looking for that gift that causes a reaction… you know, the jaw dropping kind!  I have no idea what to get him, except maybe a lock on our closet door to keep the boys from getting into his clothes, a big pet peeve of his!  Poor thing!  He keeps saying, “Just get me some good books.” I do that anyways.  Sigh.  SO now what?  Yes, I know, it’s not about the gift…

Tyler went to lunch with some friends at a local resturant.  Apparently he didn’t have enough money.  He only had a bit of change for his tip on a $16 meal.  He felt bad, so he says, so he left the waitress something else.  Sammy’s phone number!  He thought the waitress would be pleased.

Have I mentioned how much my boys crack me up?  Sometimes their way of thinking is so crazy scary!  (Of course this was followed by a lecture that he really should go back and tip the poor waitress).

I love Christmas!  I love all the decorations that make the world just look nicer in this drab grey wintery season.  I don’t like digging everything out of the basement, though.  I wish I could snap my fingers and it would be all done!

Oh well… Happy 12-12-12 today! Enjoy the sun shine (hopefully it is shining wherever you are!)

Today is Sanj’s Holiday Open House at work.  It’s a day he takes time to spend with his patients that stop by and wish them a happy holiday.  There’s food, too.  The boys love stopping by on a day like today and raiding the goodies that are left.

This week I have been really exploring the definition of introverts and extroverts.  Only recently have I realized how much this defines a person. 

I realized that I didn’t really understand the defintion of both.  An extrovert is someone that is energized by people.  An extrovert tends to get bored when alone and will often seek other people out.  So funny, this is me!  This is why I hate being home (well, we won’t even talk about the other factors such as laundry and the mess that seems to be a constant).  I love the energy of being with others.  It feeds me.  I love having people over.  I love interacting with them even if it’s just through my phone and messaging them.  I need people.  When I am home alone, the tv is always on, just for the noise, I realize, or to hear other voices.  The quietness is too loud and leaves me unsettled.

It’s interesting because Sanj can be an extrovert but I think it’s more by necessity.  He is a little bit of both, though he says he is an emotional introvert.  An introvert is someone that is drained by people.  It doesn’t mean they are shy.  Sanj can be with people all day but he really does recharge with his alone time, when he is downstairs making music or reading or what ever else he does in his man cave. 

An introvert can be with people in a social setting but they need to recharge with alone time.  When Sanj is recharging, he can tune the world out.  It’s quite an amazing skill.  Usually he is on the piano or keyboard and I will go to him chatting and know after a moment that he is not hearing me.  Then… I straddle him while he is on the piano bench.  I removed his hands and place them on me.  Then… I have his attention.  He laughs everytime I do this.  I  am a little high maintance, I suppose, being the extovert I am.

When I go to my brother’s house, I used to notice my SIL would go off to her room and be on the bed, with her magazine or phone.  I can’t lie, I would just assume she didn’t really like us.  Only recently, did I realize that this is her needed time out, especially when we, being such a large loud brood overtake her space.  Last time, I peeked in and was Invited to lay on the bed too… but I realized that I need to be quiet! lol But I just really liked being with another human.  My brother, her husband, is a loud extrovert.  It’s in the family.

Funny enough, most of my boys are quite extroverted when needed or it’s called upon them but they 4 of them are natual introverts too.  They need their quiet time.  Often when we are off, with others, we will come home and those 4 disappear.  They can be found strumming a guitar, on their bed with an iPad or head phones.

Then my two, Sammy and Zachary, are true gregarious extroverts.  They love people and just hanging out.  They never get tired of partying.  Guess we know where they get that!

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? 

I’m not sure if I’ll post this or not but sometimes I feel better just writing.  I am so low, depressed, craZy right now.  I hate that feeling.  Especially since I am usually full of energy and ready to that the world by storm.  Not today.  Not yesterday.  Probably not tomorrow.  Hopefully the next day.

I went to my doctor and got my crazy pill adjusted.  Now it is just surviving till the drugs kick in and balance me out.  I screamed at my kids today.  We were waiting for pizza and they just seemed to go crazy.  I mean really?  It’s one thing to act insane at home.  It’s another when everyone is watching and they have no shame.

I screamed at them.  They got really silent.  Maybe scared.  Well, actually they never seem scared enough. Sigh.  Yet they understood I was crazy.  Daddy isn’t there to save them so they’d better stop.  You could hear a pin drop.  I texted Sanj.  He said he was scared too.

I would say LOL but I don’t feel that.

I slept today while Josh was getting tutored at my MIL.  I never sleep.  It felt so good.  I feel like sleeping for days.  I feel like burying myself in a hole, with my book and some yummy cooking shows and chocolate and candy.

Yum.  Corn candy.  JuJubes.  Corn Candy.  Popcorn.

OK…  I am sure that in a few more days there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

Work crazy pill, work!