Hockey and Racism…

This was written by Sanj… about something that happened to Zachary this week at hockey.how-human-skin-color-evolved-across-different-regions

HOCKEY AND RACISM. So as I sit in this arena on Family Day weekend, watching my boys doing something that is so Canadian, playing shinny with friends, I am reminded of what this sport is to our family. Hockey has been a part of our community and our lives in a very big way. We, as a family, in turn have given back to our community through this sport and yet there has continued to be a dark spot that keeps cropping up. My son, Zachary Sukumaran has now just turned 15 years of age and for the last several years he has played in a smaller town than the rest of my boys. Last night Zach was playing in a league game and yet again ,he had a child use a racial epithet regarding him this child referred to him as “nig nig”. As a 15 year old, Zach is bigger and stronger than most kids he plays against and this was no exception. This child that really had no dominance over Zach but was willing to use race as his alternative. This is not an isolated incident. Each year for the last several years, Zach has been attacked for his skin colour while playing hockey. Zach plays many sports, he plays football, basketball, golf etc. Yet it is only in this sport that he encounters this kind of thing. To be fair, the refs and the league have been amazing at addressing these issues and yet they continue. It is out of ignorance that these things happen and yet ignorance persists. While I came as an immigrant into a country where I had to integrate, for my children they are as much a part of the Canadian fabric as anyone no matter how many generations their families have been in this country, their skin colour might separate them but not their love for their sport or their country nor a multitude of other factors that make us truly Canadian. The message I inevitable pass on to my children may not be the best message to give but as a protective father I do it anyway. I tell my boys that by comparison, you are better than that person who has decided to insult you from a very low place. I go back now to watching my boys playing shinny with a bunch of people playing a sport in which the only difference I see is their skin colour on this Family Day weekend.

Written by Sanj Sukumaran

Posted in General | Leave a comment

The Day I Thought I’d Never See….

Today I went with Sammy to the court house.  I watched as the judge looked at my son, judging him as a criminal and what would be an appropriate punishment for his “crime” of assault and threat to assault.  I listened as Sammy’s lawyer, (who we had to pay a pretty penny  before anyone would listen to him), spoke to the judge and listened to her semi-sarcastic response to my son.  I walked out of the court room feeling a bunch of emotions and yet trying hard to suppress them from Sammy, knowing he had his own emotions, whatever they were to deal with.  Sammy walked away with having to do anger management course, 50 hours of volunteer hours, and he is to stay away from both the “victims” homes, place of work and church.Image may contain: one or more people, people standing and indoor

I am a parent that has raised my boys to be kind, respectful and understand how to treat others.  Aside from their siblings, I must say that I’ve seen them grow to be respectful to others ( for the most part).  Having no sisters, we, Sanj and I have always instilled in them how they are to treat women.  We are old school.  I like them to hold the door open for others (not just women).  They have been taught to help carry bags.  They have been taught to respect women.  They know to treat other human beings with respect.

Here’s the thing… my boys have started dating.  My heart still pounds when I say that.  Wow.  I’m not sure when girls had cooties to now being the best thing ever.  Three of my boys have been dating the last year and bit.  Sammy startled me by dating someone in California.  The whole online dating thing…. it is still pretty foreign to me.  I remember realizing this is what was happening and feeling very uncomfortable.  And yet… Sammy seemed happy and excited.  About this time, 2 of my other boys were dating too.  I must say this whole dating bit was a huge eye opener for me.  I loved watching my boys with their girls and how their interaction was something I had never seen before.  I loved watching my youngest acting totally grossed out as he watched his siblings interact with GIRLS!

Here’s the thing about Sammy’s relationship, despite the fact that she was so far away, it seemed that they had a friendship that was great which made the relationship seemingly more special.  In October, Sammy asked to go visit his girlfriend, I think for her birthday.  Then he went again in January.  Around this point, the GF (girlfriend) came to our house.  She was very shy and quiet and kept to herself.  Having been shy growing up (I know, hard to believe), I cut her some slack.  I tried.  I really felt good about my effort.  I also figured with time, we’d be cool.

Fast forward to September, Sammy decided to go to Ottawa for school and GF was to join him.  I wasn’t too pleased with their idea of living together but … it was the plan was.  (This isn’t really the issue of this post so I’m moving on)…

There were a few times when things seemed to get ugly with them.  I figured that Sammy was in school, working and being the social creature he was, this was hard on GF who moved there and for some reason I still don’t understand, didn’t get a job.  Being an introvert, she was happy with Sammy coming home and them hanging out, the two of them.  I figured that this was the kind of issues that many couples struggled with.

There was one  particular moment when Sammy asked us to come pick him up.  He was very upset and said GF and him were done.  We drove the 3ish hours to Ottawa, got a hotel and went to grab him.  Unfortunately by this time, they seemed to talk it out.   Sammy asked if she could come to dinner and hang with us.

Over this period of time, Sammy kept very quiet of his issues in his relationship.  I could see that there were issues but they seemed like most normal couples that were trying to figure it out.

I’m fast forwarding… the GF seemed to suffer from depression and was sent home.  I’m not sure what happened if anything at home.  After a bit, she came back.  It seemed that absence made the heart fonder.

They lived with us 2 months.  Every week was the move out date.  While I do not approve of this, I also didn’t want my kid on the streets, obviously.  And yet I have 5 other boys that I am teaching and …. anyways.

Over the time Sammy and GF lived with us, there was stuff I noticed.  Weird stuff.  And yet,  Sammy kept things very quiet.  I personal, did not see this as a happy relationship I wanted for my son, but at this point I also know that I can say things but ultimately, if I want us to be cool, I have to respect his decision.  Ugh.

Again, fast forward.  They  got a place, they were sharing with one of Sammy’s buddy that help with cost of rent etc.  You know, what I have learned is that a mama’s instinct is usually right.  I am not sure if this a God given thing but… I am learning trust my judgement rather than question myself.  I pray for each of my boys.  I pray for their GFs and their relationships.  I pray and beg sometimes, for God to take care of my boys as young men and their women that will become part of their world.

Thanksgiving evening, as we were literally all at the table with our family, Sammy calls me, telling me he’s not going to be able to make it.  I heard his voice was off and yet since I had the turkey in my hand, I said ok… and hoped to see him later.  THEN he asked for Jordan.  HUH?  Those two have not always gotten along so this surprised and alarmed me especially after I saw Jordan and Tyler heading out.

Sigh.  At 11:30 pm at night, my Sammy (my child that I gave birth too and love with all my heart) called, crying and telling me he had to tell me something horrible.  OF COURSE my mind went to pregnancy.  But nope… as I learned, there is something so ugly that can happen to your child that it breaks your heart.  Literally.  As I am typing this, my heart is racing and I find myself deep breathing.  And yet as I write this with Sammy’s permission, I know that this is something that needs to be shared as it is that sad and sick.

His GF had been hurting him.  Since Ottawa, this girl has been physically ABUSING HIM!  A lot.  Over stupid things, she would lose it and become so physical and ugly.  He would cover his face/head and take it.  Then after a bit, the GF would do the “I’m Sorry” bit.

Here’s the thing… I lived with physical abuse.  My mom was a battered woman.  My dad had lots of issues and didn’t get help as he didn’t see the need.  Along with physical abuse is the ugliness of mental abuse and guilt.  If this was happening to a girl… can you imagine?  I mean CAN YOU IMAGINE?  I mean if my boy was hurting a girl, I can’t IMAGINE my reaction or thoughts.

I am listening on the phone to my child, broken and telling us that this has been going on for over a year.  Then I listened to him tell Sanj and I how since moving to Peterborough, GF had been cheating on him while he was at work.  This night he reacted to GF’s physically violence of throwing a candle and salsa on him and then beating him… he grabbed her hands and begged her to just stop.

This wasn’t the end.  A guy was picking her up and taking her out.  I am not sure about why it seems victims do this but Sammy was more upset at the boy coming and taking the GF out over the GF going out and cheating on him.  Sammy texted this boy an ugly message. (A lesson learned).

GF and the boy went to the police and accused Sammy of assault to the GF and threat to assault to the boy.  This was why Sammy was telling us his stuff.  The police were there in moments to arrest Sammy.  Did you know only one person can charge … by the time Sammy got there to put his charges in… they wouldn’t listen to him.  They had to deal with this first.

My kid was bought into the police station in handcuffs.  HANDCUFFS!  We came in and had to wait as they drilled him with what he was being accused of.  Then they released him to us.  He was not allowed to go to his apartment.  He was a criminal until he was proved otherwise.

Do you get that my child did not raise his hand?  Do you get that MY CHILD was being abused quite severely?  After this was out… the truth that GF had been hurting him often and quite ugly all sorts of stories made sense.  Now I understood WHY he asked so often to go to a chiropractor because the GF was jumping on his back, slamming him against the mental bunk, etc.  This broke my heart. I thought when I had a break up in university I had gone through a heart break.  WRONG!  My child that I birth, a child that I fed, a child that I bathe, a child I taught, a child that I kissed hurts away and a child that I hugged was hurt by someone else, someone that said she loved him…that was what broke my heart.

I got permission from my child to write this.  I feel the need to write because as a mother of boys, SIX BOYS, they have all been taught to respect women.  And men.  Are we teaching our daughters (are children in general) that physical and mental abuse to a human being is EVIL.  It is WICKED.  IT IS INEXCUSABLE.  There are enough that have this kind of sickness.  Growing up with this, I can assure you there is no excuse.  We as parents, know that if our child has this issue(s), MUST seek help.  I am not even going to go there about this GF because I do not want to waste energy there.  I will say that her own mother was physically hurt by her. Enough Said.

I am so glad that the LAW keeps my Sammy away from this person.  I am so glad and sad that we all learned this lesson the hard way.  Yes, I said glad.  Why?  I would hate for my sons to be involved with someone like this, stay in relationship and then spend a life time just as my mom and my siblings and I did.

I am so glad there is help.  We’ve had Sammy seek help and I know he has found this immensely helpful.  I am not happy about the 50 hours of community service or the 2 classes he has to take (one being Anger Management… Yes I am lol at the irony, NOT).

This GF still trys to reach out to Sammy.  I would like to press charges on her, which we had to wait to do.  And yet, my Sammy wants us to just let it go.  SO I have to count on the law to do the Keep Away even though she doesn’t seem to be regarding the law very well. Again…. LOL NOT.

Since this happened on Canadian Thanksgiving 2016, months have passed.  I told Sammy I would like to write about this months ago.  He agreed.  And yet I have been unable to do so in a way that I know my God would be proud.  SO I have had to wait.  And Wait. And Wait.  Yesterday as I watched my child walk up to the judge, a judge with kinda an attitude as she looked at each person, I wanted to yell out, YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG PERSONS HERE! And yet, we have to go through this.  Sammy refuses to press charges. ( I must have done something right, lol).  We did the whole court thing.  I kissed him and dropped him off at home.

Today I am writing.  I am writing to all the parents of boys out there.  Let’s teach our boys to be kind and respectful.  Yes.  AND YET… please!!!!  Please let us teach our boys to love themselves enough to not be abused.  Let us teach them there is no shame in this, in setting boundaries.  They are not to be abused, period.  The same rules that we have for girls about being treated with kindness and respect, this is for boys too.  It is a human being kind of rule.

There is so much I can write.  There is so much that has been damaged.  There is so much that was wrong that seemed to get away.  And yet, you know, I am so grateful that my son came to us.  I am so grateful that in the end, my boys, despite all the fighting and craziness, love each other and have each others back.  I am grateful that my boys have friends that have their back.  I am so grateful for the loyalty of a small town.  I know I can’t write it all out, but I am so grateful that my boys being looked after.

Sigh.  I love my boys.  That seems like a word not sufficient enough.   And yet, I am so grateful for a God that loves us beyond.  I am grateful that God will forgive these mean people if they seek  him.

As you can see, I haven’t written in a while.  Lots of reasons and yet here I am, sharing… because as a mom of Boys to Men… this is so important.  Maybe I’m stupid and yet I never knew to express this to my boys.  I guess I trusted.  I guess I was naive.

 

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, General, love, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Happy Birthday to Me!

The weekend past was brutal.  I felt so low, dark and alone.  I found myself wishing that life could end.  This is a cycle in my world.  My reality.  I know that when I am feeling this low I need to reach out to the help that is my support system.  My therapist and I chatted  Monday morning— this in it self usually helps me greatly.  She helps me reframe the messiness of my mind into something that is positive and I hang up feeling better — usually I have things that I need to do to dig myself out of the dark.

Monday I called her feeling that darkness swallowing me up.  In the course of the session, we talked about my dad and how I am working it all out.  I realized that I am at a place of acceptance and know boundaries to keep myself safe emotionally.  I realized that I loved my dad and had come to accept that he loved me but couldn’t show it in the way that was needed.  I felt so proud of this progress.

Monday night I was at the mall and my cell rang.  I was paying for my purchase and took the call- despite the number being unknown.  The lady on the line told me that my dad had just died.

10537490_272725139583111_9177356579253940726_o

You know, for months (maybe longer) I have been praying that God would take my dad.  I wanted so badly his suffering to end.  I hated his suffering, his heart was bad.  Very bad.  He lived at life where strangers where his family  and friends.  I kept praying this prayer.  Was it bad to pray this?  I guess I felt comfort that God would know best.

Tomorrow is my birthday.  It’s a day I love.  Last night as I was driving home, I felt such peace.  I know that my dad is laying sleep in Jesus.  My dad loved God, almost to an obsession.  He shared Him with everyone.  I mean EVERYONE!   He had a boldness that most people do not have no a day.  I wish my dad was able to show his love to us, his kids, with such abandonment and yet I have come to realize he was broken.  I felt that God gave me an amazing birthday gift… an answer to my prayer.  He took my broken daddy and gave him peace.  My dad is resting in Jesus.  When I see him again, my daddy will be whole, healed and happy.  He WILL be able to show me his love and it will be overflowing. As I was driving home, I felt so peaceful.  I felt peace that I have never known before.  I saw a rainbow- it wasn’t a typical rainbow but a burst of one in the clouds.  How often can you say that God gave you a birthday gift?!!!

I have always said that  I know God loves me more!!!

unknown

Is this proof?  Hehe

My birthday present is that God answered my prayer.  My dad is finally at peace.  As a result… God gifted me a peace that passeth understanding.  I always loved that sentence but truthfully couldn’t image it… until now.  It is such a beautiful thing, receiving peace in a mess that makes no sense and yet knowing with out a shadow of doubt that it’s all good.  God’s got it.

Thank you, Jesus for loving me so much to give me the incredible gift of Your love in a way that is so special and meaningful.  BTW- Jesus, thanks that I AM Your favourite! 🙂

Posted in General | Leave a comment

Loneliness.

large_20-quotes-on-loneliness

I am walking through a very interesting time in life.  It’s a time where I have been given a gift and part of that gift is dealing with the magnitude of events that have made me who I am today.  It’s a journey and walking through this path has been scary.  It has been so eye opening and paralyzing in some ways.  I am taking a journey in which I revisit places,  events, dramas and traumas that have all made me who I am today.

As I have matured into the me of today, I have found that life can be and is a very lonely place a place where  best friends become friends and groups of girlfriends can come with such ferocity and then leave without notice.  Just a void is left.  I have often wondered what is wrong with me?  What am I doing wrong?  How can I have such a tight knit group of friends for years and then one day, literally become polite strangers?  I hate that awkwardness of bumping into each other and that weird hug that is forced.

I wonder how a community we are so blessed to have eventually dissipates and we are left just going through the motions of belonging.

Last night I found myself feeling so lonely.  This week I was in a group setting that once felt like home and found myself so lonely in a crowd.

 loneliness |ˈlōnlēnəs|
noun
1 sadness because one has no friends or company: feelings of depression and loneliness.
• the fact of being without companions; solitariness: 

This is not the definition of my loneliness.  As I looked up synonyms for loneliness I found words that just didn’t seem to fit.

One that stuck out was homesickness.  I’m homesick.  It might seem weird that but I am homesick for that period that was so comfortable and homey.  I am homesick for a period that had no time for loneliness.

I guess that means that I am not happy with the change.  Changes in life, in the boys lives, in our social circle are all making me miss yesterday.  I am missing a time when it all was like a puzzle with no pieces missing.  We had community and we were loved, welcomed and we fit.

Maybe that’s it!  I feel like life is going on with a missing piece of a puzzle.  Recently I finished a 1000 piece puzzle ( with lovely help) and at the end, when I was feeling excitement, I realized that ONE PIECE WAS MISSING!!!  It was so maddening.  I left it on the table for weeks, with the hope of finding that missing piece.  It never turned up.  I finally ended up tossing that puzzle.  It was so maddening it was incomplete and without purpose.

I guess I am now at mid life and wonder about the relationships that left me hanging.  I wonder about how they feel.  I mean do they miss me?  How do people do that?  How do people become such a part of your life and then just choose to leave?  I know, some people come for seasons… but right now, I find little comfort in that.

I love people.  With all my heart, I love people.  Then when they leave, it is weird.  There is a hole.  I hate that they have that ability to leave a hole.  The reality is that I loved them. and they left.

We were at a restaurant in town, they  whole family, having supper one night.  Right next to us what a past friendship sitting there.  I know the family felt awkward for me.  I know that they felt my pain.  I know that countless times Sanj has said it was their loss.  I did the fake wave. I sat through the fake chatter.  Then they left.  We ate.  Then I felt a hug and kiss on my shoulder and cheek. They were leaving and decided to have that weird interaction. Me… I felt discombobulated.  I felt hurt.  I felt a void.

Is it me?  I realize that we, having a large family, have kids in various stages of life.  I realize that life happens and people move on, yet the ones that you put effort into, shouldn’t they stay?

I have felt this void and loneliness as I am on this journey right now of discovery.   I realize that I am a people person. OK, I mean I have always been… but there are times now where that loneliness is huge even when I am with people.

I am realizing that maybe it’s part of the journey.  I realize that sometimes, so much more now in the past months, I find myself being still inside, I find myself listening, I find myself feeling,I find myself really ready to do this, I find myself begging God to do His will.

It’s different right now.  I know I have been living His will as best as I knew how … but it’s all changing.  I feel it.

I guess as my boys are shifting rather quickly from boys to men, as life is changing from a comfortable place to an unfamiliar place, God is getting my attention.  Change is never comfortable, especially when the change is unknown, yet it is also exciting.  I am ready.

I realize that loneliness is also a place where I go running to God.  Alone.  I love that.  Maybe it’s  not about loneliness  but about aloneness with God.  I am feeling things.  I suppose the unknown has never really been frighting to me.  I love change.  Yet in this case, I think that “Loneliness is God’s cry for intimacy. If you’re battling with loneliness, that’s God trying to get your attention.”-Pastor Jon French.

God has been getting my attention lately.  I know that I am on an exciting journey, destination unknown, and I am ok with that.  God has never let me down.  Ever.  I need to remind myself of that sometimes.  He has never let me down.  No, He hasn’t answered all my prayers and I don’t know that reason in some cases but I am ok with that. Wow.  Yes, I am actually ok with it.

Maybe there is someone else that is suffering through loneliness right now or maybe I just needed to write to work this all out!  God has been trying to get my attention.  I’m listen, Lord.  Sorry that sometimes You need to SHOUT IT OUT TO ME!

I’m listening.

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | 1 Comment

Zachary Graduates…

Zachary Thomas Sukumaran is leaving his elementary years behind!  In September it will be off to high school for child of mine #5.  Wow!  He is my very social child and loves to be out and about with his friends.

I know high school is going to be great!  He is my child I will have to keep an eye out on for sure but it’s all good! lol and that’s what he has his older brother for!

IMG_0325

Zach has a lot of talents and heart.  I love that he is able to see the needs of others and reach out.  I love that he is able to make others laugh and feel good.  He is my chef in the making.  I usually am internalizing a groan when I see him creating a mess, oops I mean meal for himself and then am always surprised with the delicious concoction that he whipped up.

He has always been my independent child from the start.  I never have to double check his packing because he is always on top of things.

He is a blossoming drummer.  I think he takes after his mama! lolol

I don’t know that he will be but I do know that he will shine in whatever he decides.  God has wonderful things planned for him and I can’t wait to see what will be unfounded.

Congratulations, Zachary!  We are so proud of you and love you!

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, General, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Survived.

Yesterday felt like the longest day ever.  I am not sure I can express all my thoughts and emotions, or even if that is necessary and yet I felt such acute pain that I did not know how  to make dull.

Father’s Day… it’s a day that I can usually cope with by celebrating Sanj and his role to our family, father to his six sons and the blessing he is.  Usually I can cope and ignore that dull pain of having a father that is and always has been absent.    This year, not so much and to add to it, it was suffocating.

At church, there was a panel of father and child combinations, Sanj and Sammy being one of the combos.  There was a married daughter and her father and then a married son and his father.  There were questions that were asked by the pastor and answered then by each set.

I was fine.  I was able to blank it out.  I tuned out the songs that talked about our Father’s love.  Sometimes it just hurts.  Sometimes, most times, I am ok with and grateful to my Heavenly Father for His constant love and care.  I am usually about to deal with the fact that my earthly father is messed up.

Then a question was asked of how the father showed loved to them, the child, an example of this.  The daughter talked about how her car had broken down and how her father drove the few hours to her school and switched cars with her, and took her car to deal with so she didn’t have to worry.

Seems normal, seems almost in sequential, something that most would do, right?  Suddenly I felt my tears spring up.  I felt my heart do that thing that I hate, you know, when you know those emotions that are so locked tight, start to unravel and you know you are in trouble…

I was driving home from university, with a car full of girls.  We were all heading home for break.  My car (the one my dad gave me to use) broke down right there on the highway, about 30-45 minutes from home.  Ugh!!!!  No cell phones back in the day.  I am not sure even how I phoned home but my dad told me that basically it was my problem and I was to deal with it.  He was not coming to get me.

I can remember so clearly, feeling numb and horrified and embarrassed.  How do I face these girls and tell them my dad  isn’t coming?  How do I deal with this?  I can see so clearly where the car sat, on the side of the road.  I can feel my heart as it felt then.  Heavy, loaded and sad.

I don’t remember all the details from that point.  Another dad came and got us.  And then this dad and his son went back and pulled my car home.  I remember my dad having no shame, as they came to the door.

What does it take for a dad to not be there for his kid?  The child that he brought into the world?  What does it take to turn your back on your kid when they need you?

Last night I lay with Sanj, disrupting his weird show, Game of Thrones, and cried.  I cried for me.  I cried for the friend whose dad died and her heart is so full of grief.  I cried for the little girl that realized that her dad just doesn’t care.  I cried.  I looked at the clock and was grateful to see that it was late enough that I could end the day.

I woke up with morning grateful that yesterday was over.  I woke up this morning so grateful to my Heavenly Father for always having my back.

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, General, God and I, love, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Back to High School…

I had a great day today!  I went back in time to High School!  Ok, I actually went to the zoo with my Max and the science classes from his high school.  I hang out with a great bunch of kids.

Boy zoo humor pick up line: Are you a gorilla enclosure?

Why? Cause I’d like to drop my baby in you!

Ahaha…

Riding in the school bus, I was a little apprehensive.  I mean, these kids looked cool and so put together! I didn’t want to cramp Max’s style either so I sat in the front with the grown ups.

IMG_8322

We saw a couple of animals and then stopped, for food.  These folks can eat!  Pizza Pizza was the exhibit in which we spent a good deal of time after getting there.

IMG_8328

And they ate and ate….

IMG_8344 (1)

Some even had gourmet cuisine … steak and steak and  steak wraps.

IMG_8327Then somehow it was discovered that I have recently become part of the Snap Chat world!!!  Ok, I have to admit, my Max was little appauled.

IMG_8352

I am still very new to Snap Chat and there may be a barrier to my actually understanding it but hey, I was thrilled to be wanted by this bunch to be their Snap Chat buddies or friend! IMG_8439 (1)

I was pretty pleased with myself!!!  Thanks Guys, for being my Snap Chat buddies!

I actually was impressed with this group of kids.  They were respectful, thoughtful and very accepting.

IMG_8351

This poor child is directionally challenge!  Thankfully his good looks help us overlook his defects!!!  If you see him wandering, please offer him directions!

These boys were quite comfortable with this sensitive side!

IMG_8354

IMG_8373

IMG_8376

This was a very special fellow, who actually stars in a very special video and I felt honored to grab a picture with him!

IMG_8386Such a great group of kids!  I found myself spotting a few candidates for future DILS!!! Ok, just kidding but … just saying… I do have 6 boys!

IMG_8418

IMG_8387

IMG_8407

Max…. Thanks for asking me along!  I am so proud to pass on my genes to you!  OK, well you are a clone of your dad but still… your cool factor, I’m sure, is from me, so you are welcome! xoxo

IMG_8421

I love this boy of mine!

IMG_8440

I had a wonderful day… thanks all of you kiddos for making my day an exciting one and making me feel 16 again, even just for the day! I especially enjoyed the laughs!  I’m looking forward to your Snap Chats!  Or Facebook, which I do know how to use! Hugs!

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, food, General, love, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran | 1 Comment

Grocery Shopping and Retirement!

As I am catching up to my husband that is a little past half a century old, I hear the question asked more and more about what retirement will look like.  Retirement?!!! Well, since we still have a 11 year old and everyone under the same roof, it is kind of hard to image!

I use to think that  Sanj and I would hang out doing stuff together.  Last  Wednesday, he surprised me with the afternoon.  Of course I was delighted!  We went to lunch (well, had 3 of the boys join us once they heard) and then we were heading somewhere and I was just chatting away.  After 5 minutes, literally, he looked at me that with look of amusement and amazement and ok, exhaustion, and said, “Do you know how many subjects you just covered in the last 5 minutes?” Hum… I laughed and tried to calm down a bit.  I asked, as I usually do, if he’d like me to try Ritalin, and he declined.  lolol It’s then I usually remind him that it’s a good thing he can’t SEE my mind, as it races because I am only verbalize a small portion that races through.

Back to retirement, I love seeing these aged couples grocery shopping together.  I see that in our future.  See, I hate grocery shopping! HATE IT!  I mean first you have to think  of what to make (Sanj never knows what he want to eat).  Then you find your item, put it in the cart, then once finished, you go to the check out and take your groceries from the cart on to the counter, then into a bag, then the bags go into the car and then out of the car and then from the counter into the pantry or fridge.  WHERE IS THERE PLEASURE IN THIS???  Sanj always says, “But you like to shop!”  Then I get extremely annoyed because grocery shopping is NOT SHOPPING!

Sorry.  I’m sure I have ranted this same rant before.  Anyways, I made Sanj walk into the store with me, to grab just a couple things, and he did so, but under protest.  He wanted to stay in the car and probably listen to Sports Radio or go on his phone.  When we are retired, this is still going to happen… but you’ll probably see Sanj looking like this:

IMG_7575

He is actually having a GOOD TIME! He is just worried if he admits it this will be a regular occurrence! lolol

Yesterday Sanj was invited my Mercedes to join them for their day where they hope to snag you into lusting after a vehicle of theirs.  They took Sanj and some other guys and went to the race tracks where they  were allowed to drive the way theses cars were made to be driven!

13415388_1348894028459271_4400150308337116049_o (1)

That’s Raj (Sanj’s brother taking the pic) – Sanj couldn’t be reached at the time of this publication to comment on if that is him in the car or not, but looks like it.  Yes, so this will likely in his retirement fantasy of driving a vehicle that roars.

Anyways, I realized that our retirement will likely be much like it is now, he is off doing his thing, music,  sports, or what ever tickles his fancy.  I know that he will not be still. He doesn’t know who to do that.  And me, I will do whatever it is I do, sometimes I don’t even know till that moment.  And then we will hook up for the afternoon/evening.  Maybe he’ll do the grocery shopping and I’ll cook.  Who knows! Yet I am so grateful to have a partner that I can plan the rest of our lives (God willing) to spend driving each other crazy!

Thank you, Jesus, for my dear husband!

Posted in choices, faith, Family, food, General, love, Marriage, moments, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

This Past Weekend…

Sadly another weekend has gone by and it’s a Monday.  It’s a cloudy day, looking like rain is possible and this sits well with me because I have so much laundry to do, some tidying and lots of writing and end on my list is a hope to make it to the gym!

Friday was Prom for Jordan and his lady, Autumn.  Pictures speak for themselves.  I am so glad they had lovely weather and a great time together.

IMG_8267

IMG_8250

IMG_8237

Oh my silly boy!

I am so grateful that my boys are growing up and able to have a normal childhood.  They don’t even know how lucky they are and for this I am grateful to God.  And my sweet, husband.

We had to drop off shoes for Jordan, later that evening which was the perfect opportunity to go get ice cream!

IMG_8144

The highlight of my week aside from all this was getting Snapchat and driving my kids crazy with it! lolol I am sure this won’t last too long as I so don’t really get it but… hey, I am annoyed and enjoyed it so it was worthwhile! 🙂

IMG_8099

IMG_8096

Two boys have preumonia and another one looks to be getting strep.  Ugh!  Here’s to a new week! Hope yours is full of happy moments!

Posted in Boys, Family, food, General, love, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

RIP Muhammad Ali…

IMG_8272

Today we remember this man as the world’s greatest boxer.  He is know for so much inside the rink and yet just as importantly outside.

At the age of 18, I was a recipient of his kindness.  This story is kind of legendary in our home as it was one of the most embarrassing moments in my life.  I had just left for university in Michigan, in Berrien Springs and my parents had come with my youngest brother and surprised me for the weekend.  I believe it was my 18th birthday weekend.

We had one stop light in the town.  No fast foods like McD, Taco Bell or Wendy’s.  It was a quiet town, my university being the main attraction in town, unless you knew that Muhammad Ali lived there too.  On a whim, as we drove around, I asked my folks if they wanted to see where Ali lived.  I figured we’d drive past it, the gates would be closed and we could say we saw it and on we would go.  As fate or something would have it, the gates were open.

I’m not sure what possessed my father to, but he decided that we needed to see Muhammad Ali.  Kumar and I begged my dad to drive out.  As my dad drove to the house, there were a bunch of dogs barking at us.  I remember my dad telling us to go knock.  Neither of us would budge.  Now we were all scared of the barking dogs.  Now what?  Well, my dad did the only thing that  HE would think to do.  Did I mention it was 8ish in the morning?  My dad drove a big, Ford Econoline brown huge van and leaned into the horn and began honking.  And honking.  And honking.  I remember I dove on the ground of the van and begged my dad to stop and to please drive away.

I am surprised that with the dogs barking like crazy, the horn yelling out, that the folks inside did not just dial 911 that a looney was outside.  I have to give credit to his mother-in-law who came to the door, and said so politely, “Can I help you?”  

My dad responses with no shame, “We’ve come all the way from India to see Muhammad Ali!”  OM MY GOODNESS!  I was so mortified!  Yes, my dad has an accent.  Yet we have lived in North American for over 16 years at this point.  Did I mention his mother-in-law was so kind?  She told my dad that Ali was sleeping still but maybe he could come back.  Of course my dad, found out 10 o’clock was the time and off we went.

I am not sure why she didn’t shut the gates.  Maybe she feared that the Indian in the big brown van would just honk outside the gate and she was thinking of her neighbours.  I don’t know, but sure enough, we returned at 10 am and my dad honked his arrival.

I can remember the moment The Greatest came out of the house.  I remember feeling like I had to catch my breath.  Wow!  And he was so lovely!  Friendly, charming and welcoming even though we were such intruders.  He did magic tricks for us, which included levitating.  He was so gracious and gave us a tour of his compound, where he practiced, his ring and THEN invited us into his house.

All the while, it was obvious that he saw our discomfort of having a crazy dad.  And yet he did not make us feel less than welcomed.  He took a few jabs (verbally, in his jokes ) at my dad, but being all he way from INDIA, my dad did not catch it.

I have always thought fondly of this amazing man and how gracious he was to all of us.  This picture my dad blew up and it is leaning on the wall in the family room, waiting for a spot.  And yet, Sanj loves to tell the story to anyone that walks in and comments, with some embellishment, of course.

RIP to a very kind and beautiful man.  May his family find comfort and peace as they mourn his passing.  #RIPMUHAMMADALI

Posted in Family, General, love, moments, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Victoria Day 2016

It is a gorgeous day out today!!!  This weekend was the long weekend (Victoria Day) and we had wonderful weather to go along with it.  Nothing exciting to say about the weekend except that we had friends over and Sanj gave in to his OCD and cleaned out the garage and cars (both which needed doing).  There was lots of cooking,  (the easy kind) and friends and chilling.  This was the picture Sanj posted, quite pleased with his weekend. 🙄

13263923_1338247869523887_4621435248595198546_n

Today was Track and Field and I have to work really hard at not passing on my stresses of this day on  to my kids.  I hated it.  I think I would have suffered through most anything then Track and Field!!!

13256280_10154787951540828_43071723608580453_n

I love that my boys, the only two that are left in elementary have good attitudes and no fake injury occurred and we all survived!

*** Fake Injury Memory

Tyler must have been Josh’s age and hated Track.  He usually got himself good and worked up to the point of actually making himself sick before we even got there.    (I probably would do it differently now… but)… The 1600 meter race ( you know, the long one… a few times around the track) was the event that Tyler was most stressed about and it was here… he was at the starting line and the gun shouted its permission to begin.  I am pretty sure my pulse was racing too, feeling the stress for my babe.  I had done the good parent advice of, “Just do your best…” and now held me breath watching him fall behind, soon to be the last one in the pack, knowing his esteem was diminishing with each step he was taking.

Just as he was about to  come around the bend of the track, just as the last kid behind him was about to pass, I saw my dear sweet Tyler, fall, grab his ankle and seemed to be quite hurt.  My momma’s heart lurched, as I saw a cast and crutches in my future and my yet must admit I felt some sort of relief and sending thanks to God for this misfortune because I knew this saved his pride.

Tyler hobbled across the field, as the other runners finished the race.  He was half way across the field, when someone shouted, “ICE CREAM!”  Suddenly I saw my hurt child speed across the tarmac and head into line for the treat of the day.  Huh? 😳😂😂😂!!!

Oh my dear boy!  He had found a way to deal with this nightmare and save face.  I heard Josh telling him last week that they were allowed to choose 2 events they didn’t have to participate in.  And Tyler responding something about how unfair that was!  He didn’t have that luxury and had to get hurt!

It is one of those that all is well that ends well! Phew!

13226819_10154787951525828_8331350867994007360_n

My Zach didn’t realize how tired he is, I suppose.  He had a busy weekend of hanging out.  He told me that he was invited to the movies later tonight.  This picture is good reason why I said no,  and especially not on a school night.

I am hoping to accomplish more writing this week.  Hoping is the operative word! As the weather stays lovely, and the end of the school year comes closer, my TO DO list seems to grow.

I hope your week is a great one!

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, food, General, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, My Book, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Wednesday…

Today was a day that I had 101 errands to do and all I really wanted to do was write.  Ever since I decide to write for real, life has been playing me.  There is no time it seems as my days seem to fill with a bunch of foolishness that has to be done.  I need at least a few hours of uninterrupted time to write.  ARGGGG!  Yet if there is a will there must be a way! Part of what had my day busy is my commitment to be #fitby50.  Is that real?  Yes, I want to be fit by 50.  This means dedicated gym time.  This means not just being happy with 30 minutes of cardio like I used to.  If I made it to the gym, period in a week I used to be so pleased with myself.  Now I’m committed to at least 30 minutes of cardio (my heart really needs it… I want a low heart rate).  Yet there is the weight training aspect.  I am a wimp.  I do a few reps of something and then stop, it hurts or feels hard.  I decided what I needed was a trainer.  Someone that scares me enough to do the work.  Someone that knows their stuff.

13179126_10154753742210828_6493338581006120250_n

Yup, that’s my Tyler.  This boy lives in the gym. Who better than to train me?  I’m always handing out money, anyways (while he was looking for work) so I may as well hire him!  One of my better decision I’ve made lately.  I found that I want him to be proud of me and trust him.

13227524_10154753742205828_4032858917521390204_o

OK normally I’d NEVER post a picture of me looking so disgusting.  Yet the disgusting part, sweating and looking rough was after an intense (for me) workout.  I must tell you after we did legs, I had serious difficulty lowering myself on a toilet.  OUCH!!!  lol  So, we’re into week 2 and it is great because Tyler only gets paid for the days we go.  So he’s motivated to get me there.

I hope to figure out the balance of working out, doing the things that need to be done in my day and finding a way to write.

I am adding this silly story just because it’s so random.  A while ago, Sanj asked me to call this piano tuner.  It was someone recommended to him and so he asked me to look him up. Listed under piano tuners were just a handful of names and when I asked Sanj if this was the guy, he said he thought so.  So I called and even asked if this guy was a patient at The Ear Company and he said yes.

The person knocked and I went to the door and he told me that he was there to tune the piano.  There was someone accompanying him who introduced himself as his driver.  The driver, a very friendly guy  told he’d be back at a specified time.  I wish I had a picture of my face.  This guy, the piano tuner was BLIND.  Shortly after I discovered that he also had a significant hearing loss.

I called Sanj and asked if the tuner was blind?  In a voice that I know he’s astounded by something I’ve done, he said, “REEMA, who did you call?!!!  OK, it was impressive watching this guy.  And he was really blind and pretty deaf I figured out very quickly.

Sanj came home and was very nervous and curious… yup!  The piano tuner was indeed deaf.  We ended up finding the correct tuner and had it redone.  I am pretty sure this guy was good in his time, when he could hear.

It’s one of those moments when you can’t actually believe this is happening and grateful that all is well that end’s well.  The piano nor the tuner were not harmed.  We did a good deed of helping a guy make a living. lol

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, food, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Mothers Day 2016

Children are a heritage from the Lord…. Blessed is the woman whose quiver is full of them. (Psalms 127:3-5 )

I’m not sure even where to start.  I find as my children get older, my heart seems to grow fuller.  1) I didn’t think I could love them more than when they were little and edible and super sweet. Back then, they thought I was everything, knew everything and loved everything about me!  2) I didn’t think my heart had much more room to hold more love for them.  I mean, I adore them.  They fill me up with pride, irritation, laughter, frustration, adoration and discombobulation.  How is there more room in me to accommodate the continued growth of emotion?

Jordan called me Saturday night, “Oh good, you’re awake! I’m coming home and want to give you your present tonight.”  (If you know me, I love presents)!  He walks in to the bedroom with a beautifully wrapped box (thanks, Autumn) and I loved that he couldn’t wait to give me it  (Much like me, I can’t wait to give a gift).  He got me a lovely workout shirt (I’m working out right now… more on that in another post).  Thank you Jordan for your thoughtfulness.  I love you so much.

Sammy and I had a good fight Saturday.  I mean, I was furious and he was too because of course it was my fault!  I was not happy most of the day with him and was pretty -itchy.  He comes into my room that night too, and says, “Here, I figured you can use your Mother’s Day present right now.”  He handed me :

images

Hehe! I was able to see the humour in it and appreciate that he had something for me.  RME!  (Is that an acronym?  It should be.  Rolling My Eyes).  Sammy is back home and I adore him and yet he has a special gift of driving me crazy!!!  (Dear Jesus, please bless this child of mine with a quiver full of girls, after he is married- amen).

Sanj and Josh gave me breakfast in bed — yummy crepes with strawberries and cream.  They also gifted me with a special gift.  These are Sanj’s words:

A few years ago, life got crazy busy… Reema Sukumaran had been in the hospital in Kingston having a hysterectomy. Life at home was crazy without her taking care of us, organizing our lives and keeping us going and on track. When Reema got home, Mother’s Day had snuck up on those of us that depended on her. The boys and I wanted to do something special for Reema and decided to make her something for Mother’s Day.

Taking a lot of time, we strung together a necklace of 24 carrot, yes the edible kind. With great expectation, we presented Reema this gift for Mother’s Day. Men, don’t ever consider this as a potentially awesome option for a Mother’s Day present without other accompanying awesome presents.

This year Josh and I decided to make it right with a much bigger carrot painted in Gold. Just a learning moment for you crafty men , gold paint does not stick to a fresh juicy carrot. You have to look closely to see the gold sparkles on this carrot. Josh by the way loves eating carrots and decided to leave his special mark on this carrot for his mom by taking a nice bite out of it before we craftifed it. Just to prove that men can be taught we made sure this gift was accompanied by strawberry crepes as breakfast in bed and another nice gift that she really wanted. The final laugh however was on us as she wore our bling to CHURCH!

13151700_1327640963917911_6610542500185264083_n

Have I said how much I adore my husband?  SMH! RME!  The funny part was no one seemed to question me wearing this crazy carrot necklace.  I am not sure if I should be disturbed by that or not!!! (Ok, Sanj did get me what I asked for and so I could enjoy wearing this silly carrot).

After lunch out, the boys and couple of girlfriends all hung out. I took a luxurious nap with Josh by my side, playing.  Supper time came and I loved that the kitchen was bustling with activity.

13123120_10154747756570828_8351369070881000142_o

Sometimes the best gift is time.  The boys growing up have busy social lives and yet the best gift was having them all home, hanging.

13177239_1327725627242778_335064060281169268_nA picture really does say a 1000 words and yet can be summed in one word: Love. Blessed. Mom. Adored. Family. You pick.

Dear Jesus,

I am so grateful for this full quiver you have blessed me with.  Thank you so much for answering my prayer for a “happy” home all those years ago.  I am so grateful for every moment, even the very hard one, of being mom to these amazing creatures.  I am so thankful for Sanj, my best friend, the father of this crazy crew, for his love and patience that he must muster up to deal with us daily.  You are such a mighty God.  Thank you for blessing me with the gift of Motherhood.

Amen

 

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, food, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

The Black Dot…

Last night Sanj and I were watching a show, I’d never seen before, I think it’s called The Catch.  In it, the story line talked about when a woman has a black dot on her palm.  Are you familiar with it?  I love how today there is an awareness for abuse in all forms. I know this picture says it has helped 6 women already but this is dated from 2015.  I really hope that women who find the courage to seek help are given that.  I am curious if professionals are aware of this campaign and what they would do to be helpful?

It’s no secret that we came from an abusive home.  My mom sought help once, in 1970s  and was shut down.  Given it was a family member and not a professional but that shut down was all it took for us to live with craziness the next few decades.

Any woman (or man, as I realize abuse isn’t always gender specific) that is brave enough to put a black dot on their palm is a hero.  The reality is abuse is still prevalent.  It isn’t prejudice of economic status, race or gender.  It is still happening today.  I know that it takes such courage to seek help.  It takes courage to stop protecting the abuser  and making excuses for them.  It is crazy  that it is still happening and yet I suppose as long as there is sin, there will be abuse in various forms.

I feel so strongly about this.  Over the years, I have heard from my own friends and family that they have been living through abuse (emotional or physical or both) and are finally standing up… I feel such pride for these women.  They may feel shame for “allowing” it to happen and yet  they are my heroes.  No one allows it to happen.  If this is your reality, it sucks but there is help and hope.  Reach out to someone you trust.  Don’t stop till you find help.  It is out there.

I can’t believe I am writing this but obviously God has been healing me, healing my heart.  I feel sadness for the abuser.  Crazy isn’t it?  Yet I do.   Jesus loves them.  So much.  I believe that usually someone who is abusing is suffering themselves.   I mean how do you hurt someone you love?   How do you hurt someone you promised to love?  How do you hurt your own flesh and blood?

I kinda feel a shiver as I wrote that.  I think that the illness that made my dad hit us is likely in me.  I remember feeling such anger and frustrations and fear that I was unable to control this rage in me.  Now, this was likely or partly post partum … and yet the reality was I think I could have hit and hurt any one of those being that I adore … that are my life … that I promised to love.  Ugh.  I am grateful that I have a support system that wasn’t and still isn’t afraid to call me out.  I was feeling so ugly and desperate inside and yet had no clue where it was coming from or how to rid myself of this horrid feeling.

I am a seeker of happiness.  It is a constant prayer in my heart.  I want to be a happy person.  I want us to be a  happy family ( not perfect ).  I want joy to be part of my life.  God has helped me seek this on a daily basis.  And with that comes the reality that I need help.  Insert a prescription for my crazy/happy pill.  You know, a day or two ago, I ran out, and  as I have often mentioned, I usually feel great.  I think, maybe I’m ok and don’t need my pill.  Sanj called me out last night.  He said, “Reema, you know you need it. Just go get it.”  Grrr.  I hate having to take a pill be feel and be ok.  And yet, I will swallow my pride and my @$?!@#$%$## pill.  I hope one day my kids know and forgive me for all the times I have lost it and know that I take this pill, as I love them so much.

Sigh.  So I can empathize with the abuser and those that are abused because I’ve seen and felt both ends.  I am here writing this to be an encourager to both.  If you are an abuser (and you know in your heart, if you are) there is help for you.  It’s not a black dot on your palm but rather it’s that nudging you feel or that frustration  you feel after losing it.  It’s that promise that you make to her and yourself that NEXT TIME it will be different.  There is help.  Seek it. Please?  Before it’s too late and you lose what is dearest to you.

To the abused… you are so brave.  Braver than you think.  Whether you use a black dot on your palm, or confide in someone or access one of the many organizations, you are strong enough to do.  I promise you are! And I am proud of you for even considering it… that is the first step.

the-black-dot-campaign

I think for those that have not suffered abuse, the one thing you can do is be non-judgemental.  It’s easy to say, “Why did you stay?” Or “How could you?” And yet, unless we have walked in that person’s shoes, what do we really know?  I challenge you to be the kind of person Jesus asks us to be.  It’s so scary for some to seek help.  If they come to you, turn to you, it’s really an honor and privilege.  Don’t let them down.  Just love them. Listen.  You’ll know what they need if you listen to your heart.

xoxo

 

 

Posted in choices, crazy pill, faith, Family, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

The Pause Button…

It’s a Monday.  Its grey, kinda overcast and cool.  I am home today, actually feeling like doing laundry.  I know, I really should check my temperature!  I feel like making comfort food for my boys and just chilling.

I need to make a disclaimer:  All thoughts and statements post here on this site, my blog are thoughts and statements that are mine alone.  Please know that  some of my thoughts and statements may change over a period of time.  None are meant to offend or hurt.

Ok, now I have that out of the way, I can carry on with this post.  I was looking at one of the boys Instagram accounts and noticed their tag line (or what ever it is called) says, “Me and Jesus share the same skin colour.”  (I know, that whole me and Jesus grammar makes my skin crawl).  Cute!

I was looking at the beginning of my posts all the way back beginning in February 2008, as I was inspired by my brother’s blog.   It’s kind of cool that this is a journal of sorts for the boys (if they are every interested) later in life of their growing up years and my thoughts, hopes and concerns for them.

Looking back, I found myself wishing there was a Pause Button for life.

IMG_3659

DSC_0970

IMG_3126

DSC_0116

DSC_9313

DSC_9241

Many of these aren’t even that old and yet from 3-4 years ago, there is such a difference!!!  Yet there is such a difference! My older ones are pretty much men.  My younger ones are not babies anymore and while the older ones teenitude is slowing disappearing and maturity is beginning to take over, the younger ones seem to be gaining that attitude.  ugh!

The Pause Button would be so cool to just pause life so we could enjoy those moments just a bit longer.  This life, in spite its ups and down, is the only life we have.  (Until heaven, of course)!

images

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, General, love, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Hard Loving!!!

Today is FRIDAY!!! It really is my favorite day of the week.  I especially love Friday nights because we have nothing on and it is so nice to just put my pajamas on by 5 pm and hang out with the males that may be home.

This week was busy.  I had so much I need to accomplish before I start on a project that I am working on (more on that later).  I did manage to accomplish complete most of the laundry and left is a huge project of moving rooms around which will result in the boys having their own room.

Today was Grandparents Day at the boys school (the younger 2).  It’s always a busy day and one that my boys appreciate as they are excused by lunch and off we go to eat and then it’s an early start to the weekend.  My mom  couldn’t make it this year and my in-laws didn’t come.  So Josh had the youngest fill in grandparent there- Tyler! lol  So cute.

Some of the grandparents know us as we have been at the school forever… (three more years left)!!!  I get such interesting questions.  Now people ask me about the girls in our world.  Here’s the thing, I hear dads all the time saying things about hurting anyone that messes with their “little girl,” so why is it when I say something similar I hear, “Oh, you’re one of those moms.”  Huh?  I struggle with the double standard there is out there.  I mean, how come it’s ok for the girl to hurt my babe and I am suppose to just sit there?  Uh uh!  If you hurt my boy, I will not forget.  I mean, my boy may forgive and may be foolish enough to let it go but I will remember.  Here’s the thing,  if you make may baby cry, I will not forget.  How is that unreasonable? Moms have memories of an elephant.  I struggle with the young love.  Oh I know, I was there are one time.  I was an idiot, over and again.  Smh.  I wish I could go back and do it again.  I wish that girls could understand that boys are emotional and break too.  They have hearts that suffer with ugliness and meanness.  They have needs and wants too.  And yet in our society they have a lot of expectation.  As a mom of boys, I find some of it ridiculous.

OK… this is a generalized post… so girls that are in my boys lives, I’m not talking about any one of  you specifically.

I found my journals of yesteryear and wow I had a blast reading my foolishness.  I loved Sanj forever!!! My sil asked me (she and I have been friends since high school), “If you knew you would end up with Sanj, what would you have done different?”

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!  Well, growing up as we did, I grew up with no self esteem.  I mean – NONE.  I felt ugly, useless, stupid, dumb and very alone.  I never thought I was lovable. (The reality is if your father doesn’t love or show you love… the reality is you are going to feel unwanted, period).  I told my dad, as I walked down the isle to Sanj on my wedding day, as my dad was handing me off, “I love you.”  I so needed to hear it from him, once.  My dad’s reply was, “Thank you.”  Sad.  I, of course, I understand so much now but the reality was still reality.  Had I known I was going to have  this life with this amazing human that I get to call my husband, I would have lived harder.  I wouldn’t have been so consumed with boys.  I mean, I got the best, what is the point of looking any further?  I would have hoped that being secure in Sanj’s love, I would have traveled more, played harder and lived freer.

I do see a difference in my boys, coming from a “loving” home.  They have confidence.  They have a mom that loves them hard.  I’m sure it drives them crazy and yet it is who I am… lol I do tend to love hard.  I want my boys to know without a shadow of a doubt that they are loved and cherished.  They are wanted and needed and part of a family.  They would be missed so much if their presence was missing.  Sometimes, I will ask them, individually, “Do you know I love you?”  And can I tell you how much I adore the annoyance in their voice, with a possible eye roll, “YES MOM!”  It is the best answer, ever!  The annoyance means it’s always there!!!  YES!

I realize this post is kinda all over the place but that is me!

And of course, the boys have a dad that loves them to pieces too but this is my post. Sanj can write his own!!!

I started by talking about the girls that are in my boys world.  I talked about them feeling hurt.  Ugh.  I remember that ugly feeling of a break up.  I hope and wish (yes, though I know it is unrealistic) that my babies will find the perfect girl for them with out their hearts being broken or hurt.  I know this could happen if they would just LET ME PICK the lady!!! HEHE!  My point in this post is that if you are lucky enough to be born into a family that loves each other, in words, in actions, in fighting and in loving, it’s a gift.  I’m so glad my boys will never know just how lucky they are.  I hope that they will find a lady that loves them HARD and this continues into the next generation.  I hope that the cycle of not feeling love is broken here.

love hard

I just let out a huge sigh.  I am so grateful to God for hearing my prayers as a little girl.  I am so grateful I have a God that I can turn to.  It is such a gift, love.  If you have a love in your life… stop and appreciate that gift.  It doesn’t  have to be a mate, it can be a parent.  God is so good.

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Rain, Freezing Rain, Snow and Buses Cancelled…

The weather was forecasting crazy weather last night, every thing from snow to rain and everything in between so we woke up with the hope and expectation of a snow day.  Before waking the boys, I checked the web which pronounced that buses were cancelled! Wahoo!  I looked outside and there was nothing.  Sigh.  So while the high school kids were off, I decided to drive the younger boys in.  No sooner did I get home when a ton of snow fell and coloured my world white.  Then the rain fell and it was so gross out and yet I love that look that God created with the freezing rain kinda weather.  So beautiful!!!

12787159_10154509719050828_265741345_oOn the flip side I wore my fave shoes and by the time I got home my feet were soaked and frozen!!!

12421278_10154509719120828_1430058114_n

So many miss matched thoughts were buzzing though my head today…

***I was thinking of the verdict of the man that killed a grandfather and three little kids, his grandkids and the mom, as she expressed her pain and heart ache as he got just 5-8 years for impaired driving.  I can’t even begin to fathom… this mom’s life will never be the same.  Ever.  Stupidity and selfishness for any one who choices to drive and then drink… why would you ever take that chance, ever?

***I was thinking of people that choose to end their life.. how much pain they must be in to do it… to jump or pull the trigger or… what ever method they use and yet what if tomorrow is better?  They never had that chance… On Facebook, I shared an article,  “The Morning After I Killed Myself”   (click to read), the last paragraph made me pause… “The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. …….The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.”    

There’s always hope until you take that hope away.  It’s hard to get help sometimes, to pick up the phone, to renew your prescription, it’s hard.  Yet not impossible… ask for help.  Seek it.  I think that having a buddy system is a great idea… well it is for me.  You know, at AA, you have a sponsor… your “go to” person… why not have that with let’s say, mental illness (I hate that term).  I love that I have a friend, family member and shoot, even my own kids that will call me out… ask me if I am doing ok… and when I am acting crazy, they love me enough to ask… “Are you taking your crazy/happy pill?”  I realize that having that support is so important to my sanity.  I hate being so lax when it comes to my mental health but… that’s me, I guess!

***I was really missing my boys being younger today.  I was thinking that in 10 years so much will be different.  I’ll be so close to 60 years old… HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE????  Josh will be 20 meaning Sammy will be 30 years old!!! That means  marriages, DILS, grand babies and so much more!!!  This thought came as I saw a couple of houses for sale the last months were SOLD… which got me thinking if this house we are in is are last home or will we move once more with the kids?  I won’t answer that because that would stress Sanj right out.

***Sanj and I were discussing how much we are SO OPPOSITES  of each other!!!  I’m so glad that he is tolerate of my craziness, of me not being a morning person, of being a procrastinator, of being a hyper active person who never stops fidgeting… Oh I could go on… but I adore this guy!

***Is it weird that I was craving KD?  As we are on a journey to better eating and better health, I found myself buying a few boxes of KD Creamy and thought of making it just for me while the boys were in school.  Weird right?  I know.  It’s the first thing I learned to cook.  🙂  Well, speaking of weird… today Max took a box with him to a friend’s home.  I asked him if he enjoyed it… he said he was curious how it would taste if cooked with chocolate milk.  I guess he learned that it didn’t taste so good.  I guess my weirdness gene is a pretty powerful one!  It’s being passed on… lol

Ah… just a few thoughts from my crazy busy, never stops thinking, mind.  My boys surround me, wondering if tomorrow buses will be cancelled again?  I’d say at this point, it’s 50/50.  Hope your day was a great one and your night even better.

Posted in Boys, choices, crazy pill, faith, Family, food, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Humming and Driving Sanj Crazy…

I’m not sure when this started but I seem to hum all the time.  I didn’t realize it until Sanj pointed it out to me.   It’s something that apparently is annoying to him as it occurs in his daily work environment and it’s something he realized he finds irritating.  So … coming home to me humming, often nonsensical stuff (sometimes even the Barney theme song) does not create a relaxing environment.  Haha.  OK, I was not gifted with a pleasant voice.  I can’t  sing. I wish I could as it is very relaxing to me but God blessed me with a high pitched annoying voice.  I’m also hyper by nature.  So humming isn’t something I actually control, it just happens.  Often while I am humming and catch Sanj’s eye, with his cute eyebrow raised… lolol  he never says anything but it is a look of,
“Really?”

barney

OK, so often thorough my day I will come across stuff (guiltily usually on Huffington Post from Facebook)… and this grabbed my attention… Did you know that humming is GOOD FOR YOU?!!!

So, to my dear husband, I hum for you!  It is a way that I am taking care of me… so you won’t be a widow (or is it widower).  You won’t be allow to deal with your six sons and the crazy phases they are growing through!!!!

These are a few of the benefits of humming that I am able to relate to.  🙂

1: Grounds and brings you back to your centre.  I personally find it helps settle the feeling of being restless or scattered on the inside.

2: Promotes clarity of thinking by refreshing your mind. You can physically feel the vibration of the “hum” clear out the cob webs.

3: Has a very relaxing and soothing effect on your neck, face, head and shoulder muscles, which helps dissolve stress.

4: Humming reduces the number of thoughts that fill your head. When you are humming there is little room for over thinking.

5: Helps dissolve unproductive thinking.  If you are having a bout of negativity, jump straight into a few rounds of “hmmmm” and notice a shift in your thinking.

6: Calms your nervous system as it activates the parasympathetic nervous system.

7:  Improves sinusitis. The vibration helps shifts and clears pathways and blockages.  (Sanj, maybe you should give it a try… for your reoccurring sinusitis).

8: Lowers blood pressure.

(This information was found at www.naturalnews.com and www.healthyliving.com)  The last line in this article did say the following… “Humming does require making noise that others could find irritating, so for best results, it’s probably wise to save the humming for times when one is alone.”

Posted in Boys, choices, crazy pill, faith, Family, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Broken Heart, ADD and Bucket List

Day 2 in this new year… I’m writing!  Zach asked me what my Bucket List was for this year… and I had to pause.  I’ve given up on New Year’s Resolutions because I suck at the stick to it factor.  (Sanj… stop snickering)!  What is my Bucket List for this year?  Well, I really want to write again.  I miss it.  It, writing feels to therapeutic and yet when I don’t post it, I seem to feel like I have failed and it doesn’t count.

I really need to exercise and fix my diet … but while it is a constant try again, that sounds a little too much like a New Year Resolution.  Ugh!  I really want to better my character.  I want to try harder to be non-judgmental.  I want to tell to just love people, period.  Ugh, sometimes it’s  a hard thing to love those that annoy me or having annoying quirks.

Today my mil (mother-in-law) is in for open heart surgery.  It has me thinking of life and death and that fine line.  It has me wondering what will someone write in my obituary?  Am I living a life that will make me blush with pleasure as they talk about me?  Or will I be shamed?  What about the people that are just not nice?  What do they say?  Do they make it up?  I think a lot of my dad and his death and what we will do and say.

12593981_10154440802215828_2471661391411677043_o-2

I’m finding myself restless… being still, waiting and behaving! The only channel on is CNN and foolish chatter about Donald Trump.  Ugh.

It’s a bad day to be ADD!

Posted in General | Leave a comment

#Bell – Let’s Talk!

Did you know that 1 in 5 people suffer from mental health issues?  I’m one of those five people. # Let’s Talk!  Talking … having the courage to talk about this, actually saved me.  After Baby 6 came,  I lost me.  Postpartum blues went  right into depression… heavy and hard and I lost me.  The post baby stuff went into some deep dark depression as stuff happened with family and rocked my world.

Somebody noticed.  Somebody who was educated on this stuff saw something and said something.  The “saw some thing and said something” was key!  IT saved me.  Literally.  Being in a dark place is a very lonely place to be.  So often, while you are there, surviving, one day to the next, surviving 24 hours, is a huge task.  I am one of the five people that suffer with mental health issues.

I’m talking about it as I am here to say that there is help.  It is worth reach out for that help.  I’m so grateful for friends that I can be totally honest with… that I know I can say, “Help” and there is no judgement.  I’m grateful for a husband that truly gets frightened when I am getting lost in that place and supports what ever it is that I need to climb out of that hole.

I am raising kids that understand that if I don’t take my crazy pill or my happy pill or my whatever you want to call it pill, I am going to go to a place they know isn’t pleasant for me or them.  I am hoping that they grow up learning that mental health issues are hereditary, that it is like diabetes that runs in the family.  You just step up and treat what need treating.  I am so grateful that there is help out there.  There are people to talk to … who are educated in this and know how to help.  I’m grateful that there are meds out there to help me stabilize things just as there is meds to help regulate my sugars.

We must do away with the stigma.  We must stop letting mental health issues scare us.  We must learn to respect people that are dealing with this and have the courage to speak out …  Howie Mandel, Clara Hughes… I know there are numerous people that are stepping up and having courage to say… “Let’s Talk…”

Will you help stop the sigma of mental health issues?  # Bell: Let’s Talk!

rr-2015-01-21-bell-poster

Posted in Boys, choices, crazy pill, diabetes- type 2, Family, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment