Loneliness.

large_20-quotes-on-loneliness

I am walking through a very interesting time in life.  It’s a time where I have been given a gift and part of that gift is dealing with the magnitude of events that have made me who I am today.  It’s a journey and walking through this path has been scary.  It has been so eye opening and paralyzing in some ways.  I am taking a journey in which I revisit places,  events, dramas and traumas that have all made me who I am today.

As I have matured into the me of today, I have found that life can be and is a very lonely place a place where  best friends become friends and groups of girlfriends can come with such ferocity and then leave without notice.  Just a void is left.  I have often wondered what is wrong with me?  What am I doing wrong?  How can I have such a tight knit group of friends for years and then one day, literally become polite strangers?  I hate that awkwardness of bumping into each other and that weird hug that is forced.

I wonder how a community we are so blessed to have eventually dissipates and we are left just going through the motions of belonging.

Last night I found myself feeling so lonely.  This week I was in a group setting that once felt like home and found myself so lonely in a crowd.

 loneliness |ˈlōnlēnəs|
noun
1 sadness because one has no friends or company: feelings of depression and loneliness.
• the fact of being without companions; solitariness: 

This is not the definition of my loneliness.  As I looked up synonyms for loneliness I found words that just didn’t seem to fit.

One that stuck out was homesickness.  I’m homesick.  It might seem weird that but I am homesick for that period that was so comfortable and homey.  I am homesick for a period that had no time for loneliness.

I guess that means that I am not happy with the change.  Changes in life, in the boys lives, in our social circle are all making me miss yesterday.  I am missing a time when it all was like a puzzle with no pieces missing.  We had community and we were loved, welcomed and we fit.

Maybe that’s it!  I feel like life is going on with a missing piece of a puzzle.  Recently I finished a 1000 piece puzzle ( with lovely help) and at the end, when I was feeling excitement, I realized that ONE PIECE WAS MISSING!!!  It was so maddening.  I left it on the table for weeks, with the hope of finding that missing piece.  It never turned up.  I finally ended up tossing that puzzle.  It was so maddening it was incomplete and without purpose.

I guess I am now at mid life and wonder about the relationships that left me hanging.  I wonder about how they feel.  I mean do they miss me?  How do people do that?  How do people become such a part of your life and then just choose to leave?  I know, some people come for seasons… but right now, I find little comfort in that.

I love people.  With all my heart, I love people.  Then when they leave, it is weird.  There is a hole.  I hate that they have that ability to leave a hole.  The reality is that I loved them. and they left.

We were at a restaurant in town, they  whole family, having supper one night.  Right next to us what a past friendship sitting there.  I know the family felt awkward for me.  I know that they felt my pain.  I know that countless times Sanj has said it was their loss.  I did the fake wave. I sat through the fake chatter.  Then they left.  We ate.  Then I felt a hug and kiss on my shoulder and cheek. They were leaving and decided to have that weird interaction. Me… I felt discombobulated.  I felt hurt.  I felt a void.

Is it me?  I realize that we, having a large family, have kids in various stages of life.  I realize that life happens and people move on, yet the ones that you put effort into, shouldn’t they stay?

I have felt this void and loneliness as I am on this journey right now of discovery.   I realize that I am a people person. OK, I mean I have always been… but there are times now where that loneliness is huge even when I am with people.

I am realizing that maybe it’s part of the journey.  I realize that sometimes, so much more now in the past months, I find myself being still inside, I find myself listening, I find myself feeling,I find myself really ready to do this, I find myself begging God to do His will.

It’s different right now.  I know I have been living His will as best as I knew how … but it’s all changing.  I feel it.

I guess as my boys are shifting rather quickly from boys to men, as life is changing from a comfortable place to an unfamiliar place, God is getting my attention.  Change is never comfortable, especially when the change is unknown, yet it is also exciting.  I am ready.

I realize that loneliness is also a place where I go running to God.  Alone.  I love that.  Maybe it’s  not about loneliness  but about aloneness with God.  I am feeling things.  I suppose the unknown has never really been frighting to me.  I love change.  Yet in this case, I think that “Loneliness is God’s cry for intimacy. If you’re battling with loneliness, that’s God trying to get your attention.”-Pastor Jon French.

God has been getting my attention lately.  I know that I am on an exciting journey, destination unknown, and I am ok with that.  God has never let me down.  Ever.  I need to remind myself of that sometimes.  He has never let me down.  No, He hasn’t answered all my prayers and I don’t know that reason in some cases but I am ok with that. Wow.  Yes, I am actually ok with it.

Maybe there is someone else that is suffering through loneliness right now or maybe I just needed to write to work this all out!  God has been trying to get my attention.  I’m listen, Lord.  Sorry that sometimes You need to SHOUT IT OUT TO ME!

I’m listening.

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | 1 Comment

Zachary Graduates…

Zachary Thomas Sukumaran is leaving his elementary years behind!  In September it will be off to high school for child of mine #5.  Wow!  He is my very social child and loves to be out and about with his friends.

I know high school is going to be great!  He is my child I will have to keep an eye out on for sure but it’s all good! lol and that’s what he has his older brother for!

IMG_0325

Zach has a lot of talents and heart.  I love that he is able to see the needs of others and reach out.  I love that he is able to make others laugh and feel good.  He is my chef in the making.  I usually am internalizing a groan when I see him creating a mess, oops I mean meal for himself and then am always surprised with the delicious concoction that he whipped up.

He has always been my independent child from the start.  I never have to double check his packing because he is always on top of things.

He is a blossoming drummer.  I think he takes after his mama! lolol

I don’t know that he will be but I do know that he will shine in whatever he decides.  God has wonderful things planned for him and I can’t wait to see what will be unfounded.

Congratulations, Zachary!  We are so proud of you and love you!

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, General, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Survived.

Yesterday felt like the longest day ever.  I am not sure I can express all my thoughts and emotions, or even if that is necessary and yet I felt such acute pain that I did not know how  to make dull.

Father’s Day… it’s a day that I can usually cope with by celebrating Sanj and his role to our family, father to his six sons and the blessing he is.  Usually I can cope and ignore that dull pain of having a father that is and always has been absent.    This year, not so much and to add to it, it was suffocating.

At church, there was a panel of father and child combinations, Sanj and Sammy being one of the combos.  There was a married daughter and her father and then a married son and his father.  There were questions that were asked by the pastor and answered then by each set.

I was fine.  I was able to blank it out.  I tuned out the songs that talked about our Father’s love.  Sometimes it just hurts.  Sometimes, most times, I am ok with and grateful to my Heavenly Father for His constant love and care.  I am usually about to deal with the fact that my earthly father is messed up.

Then a question was asked of how the father showed loved to them, the child, an example of this.  The daughter talked about how her car had broken down and how her father drove the few hours to her school and switched cars with her, and took her car to deal with so she didn’t have to worry.

Seems normal, seems almost in sequential, something that most would do, right?  Suddenly I felt my tears spring up.  I felt my heart do that thing that I hate, you know, when you know those emotions that are so locked tight, start to unravel and you know you are in trouble…

I was driving home from university, with a car full of girls.  We were all heading home for break.  My car (the one my dad gave me to use) broke down right there on the highway, about 30-45 minutes from home.  Ugh!!!!  No cell phones back in the day.  I am not sure even how I phoned home but my dad told me that basically it was my problem and I was to deal with it.  He was not coming to get me.

I can remember so clearly, feeling numb and horrified and embarrassed.  How do I face these girls and tell them my dad  isn’t coming?  How do I deal with this?  I can see so clearly where the car sat, on the side of the road.  I can feel my heart as it felt then.  Heavy, loaded and sad.

I don’t remember all the details from that point.  Another dad came and got us.  And then this dad and his son went back and pulled my car home.  I remember my dad having no shame, as they came to the door.

What does it take for a dad to not be there for his kid?  The child that he brought into the world?  What does it take to turn your back on your kid when they need you?

Last night I lay with Sanj, disrupting his weird show, Game of Thrones, and cried.  I cried for me.  I cried for the friend whose dad died and her heart is so full of grief.  I cried for the little girl that realized that her dad just doesn’t care.  I cried.  I looked at the clock and was grateful to see that it was late enough that I could end the day.

I woke up with morning grateful that yesterday was over.  I woke up this morning so grateful to my Heavenly Father for always having my back.

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, General, God and I, love, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Back to High School…

I had a great day today!  I went back in time to High School!  Ok, I actually went to the zoo with my Max and the science classes from his high school.  I hang out with a great bunch of kids.

Boy zoo humor pick up line: Are you a gorilla enclosure?

Why? Cause I’d like to drop my baby in you!

Ahaha…

Riding in the school bus, I was a little apprehensive.  I mean, these kids looked cool and so put together! I didn’t want to cramp Max’s style either so I sat in the front with the grown ups.

IMG_8322

We saw a couple of animals and then stopped, for food.  These folks can eat!  Pizza Pizza was the exhibit in which we spent a good deal of time after getting there.

IMG_8328

And they ate and ate….

IMG_8344 (1)

Some even had gourmet cuisine … steak and steak and  steak wraps.

IMG_8327Then somehow it was discovered that I have recently become part of the Snap Chat world!!!  Ok, I have to admit, my Max was little appauled.

IMG_8352

I am still very new to Snap Chat and there may be a barrier to my actually understanding it but hey, I was thrilled to be wanted by this bunch to be their Snap Chat buddies or friend! IMG_8439 (1)

I was pretty pleased with myself!!!  Thanks Guys, for being my Snap Chat buddies!

I actually was impressed with this group of kids.  They were respectful, thoughtful and very accepting.

IMG_8351

This poor child is directionally challenge!  Thankfully his good looks help us overlook his defects!!!  If you see him wandering, please offer him directions!

These boys were quite comfortable with this sensitive side!

IMG_8354

IMG_8373

IMG_8376

This was a very special fellow, who actually stars in a very special video and I felt honored to grab a picture with him!

IMG_8386Such a great group of kids!  I found myself spotting a few candidates for future DILS!!! Ok, just kidding but … just saying… I do have 6 boys!

IMG_8418

IMG_8387

IMG_8407

Max…. Thanks for asking me along!  I am so proud to pass on my genes to you!  OK, well you are a clone of your dad but still… your cool factor, I’m sure, is from me, so you are welcome! xoxo

IMG_8421

I love this boy of mine!

IMG_8440

I had a wonderful day… thanks all of you kiddos for making my day an exciting one and making me feel 16 again, even just for the day! I especially enjoyed the laughs!  I’m looking forward to your Snap Chats!  Or Facebook, which I do know how to use! Hugs!

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, food, General, love, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran | 1 Comment

Grocery Shopping and Retirement!

As I am catching up to my husband that is a little past half a century old, I hear the question asked more and more about what retirement will look like.  Retirement?!!! Well, since we still have a 11 year old and everyone under the same roof, it is kind of hard to image!

I use to think that  Sanj and I would hang out doing stuff together.  Last  Wednesday, he surprised me with the afternoon.  Of course I was delighted!  We went to lunch (well, had 3 of the boys join us once they heard) and then we were heading somewhere and I was just chatting away.  After 5 minutes, literally, he looked at me that with look of amusement and amazement and ok, exhaustion, and said, “Do you know how many subjects you just covered in the last 5 minutes?” Hum… I laughed and tried to calm down a bit.  I asked, as I usually do, if he’d like me to try Ritalin, and he declined.  lolol It’s then I usually remind him that it’s a good thing he can’t SEE my mind, as it races because I am only verbalize a small portion that races through.

Back to retirement, I love seeing these aged couples grocery shopping together.  I see that in our future.  See, I hate grocery shopping! HATE IT!  I mean first you have to think  of what to make (Sanj never knows what he want to eat).  Then you find your item, put it in the cart, then once finished, you go to the check out and take your groceries from the cart on to the counter, then into a bag, then the bags go into the car and then out of the car and then from the counter into the pantry or fridge.  WHERE IS THERE PLEASURE IN THIS???  Sanj always says, “But you like to shop!”  Then I get extremely annoyed because grocery shopping is NOT SHOPPING!

Sorry.  I’m sure I have ranted this same rant before.  Anyways, I made Sanj walk into the store with me, to grab just a couple things, and he did so, but under protest.  He wanted to stay in the car and probably listen to Sports Radio or go on his phone.  When we are retired, this is still going to happen… but you’ll probably see Sanj looking like this:

IMG_7575

He is actually having a GOOD TIME! He is just worried if he admits it this will be a regular occurrence! lolol

Yesterday Sanj was invited my Mercedes to join them for their day where they hope to snag you into lusting after a vehicle of theirs.  They took Sanj and some other guys and went to the race tracks where they  were allowed to drive the way theses cars were made to be driven!

13415388_1348894028459271_4400150308337116049_o (1)

That’s Raj (Sanj’s brother taking the pic) – Sanj couldn’t be reached at the time of this publication to comment on if that is him in the car or not, but looks like it.  Yes, so this will likely in his retirement fantasy of driving a vehicle that roars.

Anyways, I realized that our retirement will likely be much like it is now, he is off doing his thing, music,  sports, or what ever tickles his fancy.  I know that he will not be still. He doesn’t know who to do that.  And me, I will do whatever it is I do, sometimes I don’t even know till that moment.  And then we will hook up for the afternoon/evening.  Maybe he’ll do the grocery shopping and I’ll cook.  Who knows! Yet I am so grateful to have a partner that I can plan the rest of our lives (God willing) to spend driving each other crazy!

Thank you, Jesus, for my dear husband!

Posted in choices, faith, Family, food, General, love, Marriage, moments, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

This Past Weekend…

Sadly another weekend has gone by and it’s a Monday.  It’s a cloudy day, looking like rain is possible and this sits well with me because I have so much laundry to do, some tidying and lots of writing and end on my list is a hope to make it to the gym!

Friday was Prom for Jordan and his lady, Autumn.  Pictures speak for themselves.  I am so glad they had lovely weather and a great time together.

IMG_8267

IMG_8250

IMG_8237

Oh my silly boy!

I am so grateful that my boys are growing up and able to have a normal childhood.  They don’t even know how lucky they are and for this I am grateful to God.  And my sweet, husband.

We had to drop off shoes for Jordan, later that evening which was the perfect opportunity to go get ice cream!

IMG_8144

The highlight of my week aside from all this was getting Snapchat and driving my kids crazy with it! lolol I am sure this won’t last too long as I so don’t really get it but… hey, I am annoyed and enjoyed it so it was worthwhile! 🙂

IMG_8099

IMG_8096

Two boys have preumonia and another one looks to be getting strep.  Ugh!  Here’s to a new week! Hope yours is full of happy moments!

Posted in Boys, Family, food, General, love, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

RIP Muhammad Ali…

IMG_8272

Today we remember this man as the world’s greatest boxer.  He is know for so much inside the rink and yet just as importantly outside.

At the age of 18, I was a recipient of his kindness.  This story is kind of legendary in our home as it was one of the most embarrassing moments in my life.  I had just left for university in Michigan, in Berrien Springs and my parents had come with my youngest brother and surprised me for the weekend.  I believe it was my 18th birthday weekend.

We had one stop light in the town.  No fast foods like McD, Taco Bell or Wendy’s.  It was a quiet town, my university being the main attraction in town, unless you knew that Muhammad Ali lived there too.  On a whim, as we drove around, I asked my folks if they wanted to see where Ali lived.  I figured we’d drive past it, the gates would be closed and we could say we saw it and on we would go.  As fate or something would have it, the gates were open.

I’m not sure what possessed my father to, but he decided that we needed to see Muhammad Ali.  Kumar and I begged my dad to drive out.  As my dad drove to the house, there were a bunch of dogs barking at us.  I remember my dad telling us to go knock.  Neither of us would budge.  Now we were all scared of the barking dogs.  Now what?  Well, my dad did the only thing that  HE would think to do.  Did I mention it was 8ish in the morning?  My dad drove a big, Ford Econoline brown huge van and leaned into the horn and began honking.  And honking.  And honking.  I remember I dove on the ground of the van and begged my dad to stop and to please drive away.

I am surprised that with the dogs barking like crazy, the horn yelling out, that the folks inside did not just dial 911 that a looney was outside.  I have to give credit to his mother-in-law who came to the door, and said so politely, “Can I help you?”  

My dad responses with no shame, “We’ve come all the way from India to see Muhammad Ali!”  OM MY GOODNESS!  I was so mortified!  Yes, my dad has an accent.  Yet we have lived in North American for over 16 years at this point.  Did I mention his mother-in-law was so kind?  She told my dad that Ali was sleeping still but maybe he could come back.  Of course my dad, found out 10 o’clock was the time and off we went.

I am not sure why she didn’t shut the gates.  Maybe she feared that the Indian in the big brown van would just honk outside the gate and she was thinking of her neighbours.  I don’t know, but sure enough, we returned at 10 am and my dad honked his arrival.

I can remember the moment The Greatest came out of the house.  I remember feeling like I had to catch my breath.  Wow!  And he was so lovely!  Friendly, charming and welcoming even though we were such intruders.  He did magic tricks for us, which included levitating.  He was so gracious and gave us a tour of his compound, where he practiced, his ring and THEN invited us into his house.

All the while, it was obvious that he saw our discomfort of having a crazy dad.  And yet he did not make us feel less than welcomed.  He took a few jabs (verbally, in his jokes ) at my dad, but being all he way from INDIA, my dad did not catch it.

I have always thought fondly of this amazing man and how gracious he was to all of us.  This picture my dad blew up and it is leaning on the wall in the family room, waiting for a spot.  And yet, Sanj loves to tell the story to anyone that walks in and comments, with some embellishment, of course.

RIP to a very kind and beautiful man.  May his family find comfort and peace as they mourn his passing.  #RIPMUHAMMADALI

Posted in Family, General, love, moments, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Victoria Day 2016

It is a gorgeous day out today!!!  This weekend was the long weekend (Victoria Day) and we had wonderful weather to go along with it.  Nothing exciting to say about the weekend except that we had friends over and Sanj gave in to his OCD and cleaned out the garage and cars (both which needed doing).  There was lots of cooking,  (the easy kind) and friends and chilling.  This was the picture Sanj posted, quite pleased with his weekend. 🙄

13263923_1338247869523887_4621435248595198546_n

Today was Track and Field and I have to work really hard at not passing on my stresses of this day on  to my kids.  I hated it.  I think I would have suffered through most anything then Track and Field!!!

13256280_10154787951540828_43071723608580453_n

I love that my boys, the only two that are left in elementary have good attitudes and no fake injury occurred and we all survived!

*** Fake Injury Memory

Tyler must have been Josh’s age and hated Track.  He usually got himself good and worked up to the point of actually making himself sick before we even got there.    (I probably would do it differently now… but)… The 1600 meter race ( you know, the long one… a few times around the track) was the event that Tyler was most stressed about and it was here… he was at the starting line and the gun shouted its permission to begin.  I am pretty sure my pulse was racing too, feeling the stress for my babe.  I had done the good parent advice of, “Just do your best…” and now held me breath watching him fall behind, soon to be the last one in the pack, knowing his esteem was diminishing with each step he was taking.

Just as he was about to  come around the bend of the track, just as the last kid behind him was about to pass, I saw my dear sweet Tyler, fall, grab his ankle and seemed to be quite hurt.  My momma’s heart lurched, as I saw a cast and crutches in my future and my yet must admit I felt some sort of relief and sending thanks to God for this misfortune because I knew this saved his pride.

Tyler hobbled across the field, as the other runners finished the race.  He was half way across the field, when someone shouted, “ICE CREAM!”  Suddenly I saw my hurt child speed across the tarmac and head into line for the treat of the day.  Huh? 😳😂😂😂!!!

Oh my dear boy!  He had found a way to deal with this nightmare and save face.  I heard Josh telling him last week that they were allowed to choose 2 events they didn’t have to participate in.  And Tyler responding something about how unfair that was!  He didn’t have that luxury and had to get hurt!

It is one of those that all is well that ends well! Phew!

13226819_10154787951525828_8331350867994007360_n

My Zach didn’t realize how tired he is, I suppose.  He had a busy weekend of hanging out.  He told me that he was invited to the movies later tonight.  This picture is good reason why I said no,  and especially not on a school night.

I am hoping to accomplish more writing this week.  Hoping is the operative word! As the weather stays lovely, and the end of the school year comes closer, my TO DO list seems to grow.

I hope your week is a great one!

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, food, General, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, My Book, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Wednesday…

Today was a day that I had 101 errands to do and all I really wanted to do was write.  Ever since I decide to write for real, life has been playing me.  There is no time it seems as my days seem to fill with a bunch of foolishness that has to be done.  I need at least a few hours of uninterrupted time to write.  ARGGGG!  Yet if there is a will there must be a way! Part of what had my day busy is my commitment to be #fitby50.  Is that real?  Yes, I want to be fit by 50.  This means dedicated gym time.  This means not just being happy with 30 minutes of cardio like I used to.  If I made it to the gym, period in a week I used to be so pleased with myself.  Now I’m committed to at least 30 minutes of cardio (my heart really needs it… I want a low heart rate).  Yet there is the weight training aspect.  I am a wimp.  I do a few reps of something and then stop, it hurts or feels hard.  I decided what I needed was a trainer.  Someone that scares me enough to do the work.  Someone that knows their stuff.

13179126_10154753742210828_6493338581006120250_n

Yup, that’s my Tyler.  This boy lives in the gym. Who better than to train me?  I’m always handing out money, anyways (while he was looking for work) so I may as well hire him!  One of my better decision I’ve made lately.  I found that I want him to be proud of me and trust him.

13227524_10154753742205828_4032858917521390204_o

OK normally I’d NEVER post a picture of me looking so disgusting.  Yet the disgusting part, sweating and looking rough was after an intense (for me) workout.  I must tell you after we did legs, I had serious difficulty lowering myself on a toilet.  OUCH!!!  lol  So, we’re into week 2 and it is great because Tyler only gets paid for the days we go.  So he’s motivated to get me there.

I hope to figure out the balance of working out, doing the things that need to be done in my day and finding a way to write.

I am adding this silly story just because it’s so random.  A while ago, Sanj asked me to call this piano tuner.  It was someone recommended to him and so he asked me to look him up. Listed under piano tuners were just a handful of names and when I asked Sanj if this was the guy, he said he thought so.  So I called and even asked if this guy was a patient at The Ear Company and he said yes.

The person knocked and I went to the door and he told me that he was there to tune the piano.  There was someone accompanying him who introduced himself as his driver.  The driver, a very friendly guy  told he’d be back at a specified time.  I wish I had a picture of my face.  This guy, the piano tuner was BLIND.  Shortly after I discovered that he also had a significant hearing loss.

I called Sanj and asked if the tuner was blind?  In a voice that I know he’s astounded by something I’ve done, he said, “REEMA, who did you call?!!!  OK, it was impressive watching this guy.  And he was really blind and pretty deaf I figured out very quickly.

Sanj came home and was very nervous and curious… yup!  The piano tuner was indeed deaf.  We ended up finding the correct tuner and had it redone.  I am pretty sure this guy was good in his time, when he could hear.

It’s one of those moments when you can’t actually believe this is happening and grateful that all is well that end’s well.  The piano nor the tuner were not harmed.  We did a good deed of helping a guy make a living. lol

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, food, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Mothers Day 2016

Children are a heritage from the Lord…. Blessed is the woman whose quiver is full of them. (Psalms 127:3-5 )

I’m not sure even where to start.  I find as my children get older, my heart seems to grow fuller.  1) I didn’t think I could love them more than when they were little and edible and super sweet. Back then, they thought I was everything, knew everything and loved everything about me!  2) I didn’t think my heart had much more room to hold more love for them.  I mean, I adore them.  They fill me up with pride, irritation, laughter, frustration, adoration and discombobulation.  How is there more room in me to accommodate the continued growth of emotion?

Jordan called me Saturday night, “Oh good, you’re awake! I’m coming home and want to give you your present tonight.”  (If you know me, I love presents)!  He walks in to the bedroom with a beautifully wrapped box (thanks, Autumn) and I loved that he couldn’t wait to give me it  (Much like me, I can’t wait to give a gift).  He got me a lovely workout shirt (I’m working out right now… more on that in another post).  Thank you Jordan for your thoughtfulness.  I love you so much.

Sammy and I had a good fight Saturday.  I mean, I was furious and he was too because of course it was my fault!  I was not happy most of the day with him and was pretty -itchy.  He comes into my room that night too, and says, “Here, I figured you can use your Mother’s Day present right now.”  He handed me :

images

Hehe! I was able to see the humour in it and appreciate that he had something for me.  RME!  (Is that an acronym?  It should be.  Rolling My Eyes).  Sammy is back home and I adore him and yet he has a special gift of driving me crazy!!!  (Dear Jesus, please bless this child of mine with a quiver full of girls, after he is married- amen).

Sanj and Josh gave me breakfast in bed — yummy crepes with strawberries and cream.  They also gifted me with a special gift.  These are Sanj’s words:

A few years ago, life got crazy busy… Reema Sukumaran had been in the hospital in Kingston having a hysterectomy. Life at home was crazy without her taking care of us, organizing our lives and keeping us going and on track. When Reema got home, Mother’s Day had snuck up on those of us that depended on her. The boys and I wanted to do something special for Reema and decided to make her something for Mother’s Day.

Taking a lot of time, we strung together a necklace of 24 carrot, yes the edible kind. With great expectation, we presented Reema this gift for Mother’s Day. Men, don’t ever consider this as a potentially awesome option for a Mother’s Day present without other accompanying awesome presents.

This year Josh and I decided to make it right with a much bigger carrot painted in Gold. Just a learning moment for you crafty men , gold paint does not stick to a fresh juicy carrot. You have to look closely to see the gold sparkles on this carrot. Josh by the way loves eating carrots and decided to leave his special mark on this carrot for his mom by taking a nice bite out of it before we craftifed it. Just to prove that men can be taught we made sure this gift was accompanied by strawberry crepes as breakfast in bed and another nice gift that she really wanted. The final laugh however was on us as she wore our bling to CHURCH!

13151700_1327640963917911_6610542500185264083_n

Have I said how much I adore my husband?  SMH! RME!  The funny part was no one seemed to question me wearing this crazy carrot necklace.  I am not sure if I should be disturbed by that or not!!! (Ok, Sanj did get me what I asked for and so I could enjoy wearing this silly carrot).

After lunch out, the boys and couple of girlfriends all hung out. I took a luxurious nap with Josh by my side, playing.  Supper time came and I loved that the kitchen was bustling with activity.

13123120_10154747756570828_8351369070881000142_o

Sometimes the best gift is time.  The boys growing up have busy social lives and yet the best gift was having them all home, hanging.

13177239_1327725627242778_335064060281169268_nA picture really does say a 1000 words and yet can be summed in one word: Love. Blessed. Mom. Adored. Family. You pick.

Dear Jesus,

I am so grateful for this full quiver you have blessed me with.  Thank you so much for answering my prayer for a “happy” home all those years ago.  I am so grateful for every moment, even the very hard one, of being mom to these amazing creatures.  I am so thankful for Sanj, my best friend, the father of this crazy crew, for his love and patience that he must muster up to deal with us daily.  You are such a mighty God.  Thank you for blessing me with the gift of Motherhood.

Amen

 

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, food, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

The Black Dot…

Last night Sanj and I were watching a show, I’d never seen before, I think it’s called The Catch.  In it, the story line talked about when a woman has a black dot on her palm.  Are you familiar with it?  I love how today there is an awareness for abuse in all forms. I know this picture says it has helped 6 women already but this is dated from 2015.  I really hope that women who find the courage to seek help are given that.  I am curious if professionals are aware of this campaign and what they would do to be helpful?

It’s no secret that we came from an abusive home.  My mom sought help once, in 1970s  and was shut down.  Given it was a family member and not a professional but that shut down was all it took for us to live with craziness the next few decades.

Any woman (or man, as I realize abuse isn’t always gender specific) that is brave enough to put a black dot on their palm is a hero.  The reality is abuse is still prevalent.  It isn’t prejudice of economic status, race or gender.  It is still happening today.  I know that it takes such courage to seek help.  It takes courage to stop protecting the abuser  and making excuses for them.  It is crazy  that it is still happening and yet I suppose as long as there is sin, there will be abuse in various forms.

I feel so strongly about this.  Over the years, I have heard from my own friends and family that they have been living through abuse (emotional or physical or both) and are finally standing up… I feel such pride for these women.  They may feel shame for “allowing” it to happen and yet  they are my heroes.  No one allows it to happen.  If this is your reality, it sucks but there is help and hope.  Reach out to someone you trust.  Don’t stop till you find help.  It is out there.

I can’t believe I am writing this but obviously God has been healing me, healing my heart.  I feel sadness for the abuser.  Crazy isn’t it?  Yet I do.   Jesus loves them.  So much.  I believe that usually someone who is abusing is suffering themselves.   I mean how do you hurt someone you love?   How do you hurt someone you promised to love?  How do you hurt your own flesh and blood?

I kinda feel a shiver as I wrote that.  I think that the illness that made my dad hit us is likely in me.  I remember feeling such anger and frustrations and fear that I was unable to control this rage in me.  Now, this was likely or partly post partum … and yet the reality was I think I could have hit and hurt any one of those being that I adore … that are my life … that I promised to love.  Ugh.  I am grateful that I have a support system that wasn’t and still isn’t afraid to call me out.  I was feeling so ugly and desperate inside and yet had no clue where it was coming from or how to rid myself of this horrid feeling.

I am a seeker of happiness.  It is a constant prayer in my heart.  I want to be a happy person.  I want us to be a  happy family ( not perfect ).  I want joy to be part of my life.  God has helped me seek this on a daily basis.  And with that comes the reality that I need help.  Insert a prescription for my crazy/happy pill.  You know, a day or two ago, I ran out, and  as I have often mentioned, I usually feel great.  I think, maybe I’m ok and don’t need my pill.  Sanj called me out last night.  He said, “Reema, you know you need it. Just go get it.”  Grrr.  I hate having to take a pill be feel and be ok.  And yet, I will swallow my pride and my @$?!@#$%$## pill.  I hope one day my kids know and forgive me for all the times I have lost it and know that I take this pill, as I love them so much.

Sigh.  So I can empathize with the abuser and those that are abused because I’ve seen and felt both ends.  I am here writing this to be an encourager to both.  If you are an abuser (and you know in your heart, if you are) there is help for you.  It’s not a black dot on your palm but rather it’s that nudging you feel or that frustration  you feel after losing it.  It’s that promise that you make to her and yourself that NEXT TIME it will be different.  There is help.  Seek it. Please?  Before it’s too late and you lose what is dearest to you.

To the abused… you are so brave.  Braver than you think.  Whether you use a black dot on your palm, or confide in someone or access one of the many organizations, you are strong enough to do.  I promise you are! And I am proud of you for even considering it… that is the first step.

the-black-dot-campaign

I think for those that have not suffered abuse, the one thing you can do is be non-judgemental.  It’s easy to say, “Why did you stay?” Or “How could you?” And yet, unless we have walked in that person’s shoes, what do we really know?  I challenge you to be the kind of person Jesus asks us to be.  It’s so scary for some to seek help.  If they come to you, turn to you, it’s really an honor and privilege.  Don’t let them down.  Just love them. Listen.  You’ll know what they need if you listen to your heart.

xoxo

 

 

Posted in choices, crazy pill, faith, Family, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

The Pause Button…

It’s a Monday.  Its grey, kinda overcast and cool.  I am home today, actually feeling like doing laundry.  I know, I really should check my temperature!  I feel like making comfort food for my boys and just chilling.

I need to make a disclaimer:  All thoughts and statements post here on this site, my blog are thoughts and statements that are mine alone.  Please know that  some of my thoughts and statements may change over a period of time.  None are meant to offend or hurt.

Ok, now I have that out of the way, I can carry on with this post.  I was looking at one of the boys Instagram accounts and noticed their tag line (or what ever it is called) says, “Me and Jesus share the same skin colour.”  (I know, that whole me and Jesus grammar makes my skin crawl).  Cute!

I was looking at the beginning of my posts all the way back beginning in February 2008, as I was inspired by my brother’s blog.   It’s kind of cool that this is a journal of sorts for the boys (if they are every interested) later in life of their growing up years and my thoughts, hopes and concerns for them.

Looking back, I found myself wishing there was a Pause Button for life.

IMG_3659

DSC_0970

IMG_3126

DSC_0116

DSC_9313

DSC_9241

Many of these aren’t even that old and yet from 3-4 years ago, there is such a difference!!!  Yet there is such a difference! My older ones are pretty much men.  My younger ones are not babies anymore and while the older ones teenitude is slowing disappearing and maturity is beginning to take over, the younger ones seem to be gaining that attitude.  ugh!

The Pause Button would be so cool to just pause life so we could enjoy those moments just a bit longer.  This life, in spite its ups and down, is the only life we have.  (Until heaven, of course)!

images

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, General, love, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Hard Loving!!!

Today is FRIDAY!!! It really is my favorite day of the week.  I especially love Friday nights because we have nothing on and it is so nice to just put my pajamas on by 5 pm and hang out with the males that may be home.

This week was busy.  I had so much I need to accomplish before I start on a project that I am working on (more on that later).  I did manage to accomplish complete most of the laundry and left is a huge project of moving rooms around which will result in the boys having their own room.

Today was Grandparents Day at the boys school (the younger 2).  It’s always a busy day and one that my boys appreciate as they are excused by lunch and off we go to eat and then it’s an early start to the weekend.  My mom  couldn’t make it this year and my in-laws didn’t come.  So Josh had the youngest fill in grandparent there- Tyler! lol  So cute.

Some of the grandparents know us as we have been at the school forever… (three more years left)!!!  I get such interesting questions.  Now people ask me about the girls in our world.  Here’s the thing, I hear dads all the time saying things about hurting anyone that messes with their “little girl,” so why is it when I say something similar I hear, “Oh, you’re one of those moms.”  Huh?  I struggle with the double standard there is out there.  I mean, how come it’s ok for the girl to hurt my babe and I am suppose to just sit there?  Uh uh!  If you hurt my boy, I will not forget.  I mean, my boy may forgive and may be foolish enough to let it go but I will remember.  Here’s the thing,  if you make may baby cry, I will not forget.  How is that unreasonable? Moms have memories of an elephant.  I struggle with the young love.  Oh I know, I was there are one time.  I was an idiot, over and again.  Smh.  I wish I could go back and do it again.  I wish that girls could understand that boys are emotional and break too.  They have hearts that suffer with ugliness and meanness.  They have needs and wants too.  And yet in our society they have a lot of expectation.  As a mom of boys, I find some of it ridiculous.

OK… this is a generalized post… so girls that are in my boys lives, I’m not talking about any one of  you specifically.

I found my journals of yesteryear and wow I had a blast reading my foolishness.  I loved Sanj forever!!! My sil asked me (she and I have been friends since high school), “If you knew you would end up with Sanj, what would you have done different?”

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!  Well, growing up as we did, I grew up with no self esteem.  I mean – NONE.  I felt ugly, useless, stupid, dumb and very alone.  I never thought I was lovable. (The reality is if your father doesn’t love or show you love… the reality is you are going to feel unwanted, period).  I told my dad, as I walked down the isle to Sanj on my wedding day, as my dad was handing me off, “I love you.”  I so needed to hear it from him, once.  My dad’s reply was, “Thank you.”  Sad.  I, of course, I understand so much now but the reality was still reality.  Had I known I was going to have  this life with this amazing human that I get to call my husband, I would have lived harder.  I wouldn’t have been so consumed with boys.  I mean, I got the best, what is the point of looking any further?  I would have hoped that being secure in Sanj’s love, I would have traveled more, played harder and lived freer.

I do see a difference in my boys, coming from a “loving” home.  They have confidence.  They have a mom that loves them hard.  I’m sure it drives them crazy and yet it is who I am… lol I do tend to love hard.  I want my boys to know without a shadow of a doubt that they are loved and cherished.  They are wanted and needed and part of a family.  They would be missed so much if their presence was missing.  Sometimes, I will ask them, individually, “Do you know I love you?”  And can I tell you how much I adore the annoyance in their voice, with a possible eye roll, “YES MOM!”  It is the best answer, ever!  The annoyance means it’s always there!!!  YES!

I realize this post is kinda all over the place but that is me!

And of course, the boys have a dad that loves them to pieces too but this is my post. Sanj can write his own!!!

I started by talking about the girls that are in my boys world.  I talked about them feeling hurt.  Ugh.  I remember that ugly feeling of a break up.  I hope and wish (yes, though I know it is unrealistic) that my babies will find the perfect girl for them with out their hearts being broken or hurt.  I know this could happen if they would just LET ME PICK the lady!!! HEHE!  My point in this post is that if you are lucky enough to be born into a family that loves each other, in words, in actions, in fighting and in loving, it’s a gift.  I’m so glad my boys will never know just how lucky they are.  I hope that they will find a lady that loves them HARD and this continues into the next generation.  I hope that the cycle of not feeling love is broken here.

love hard

I just let out a huge sigh.  I am so grateful to God for hearing my prayers as a little girl.  I am so grateful I have a God that I can turn to.  It is such a gift, love.  If you have a love in your life… stop and appreciate that gift.  It doesn’t  have to be a mate, it can be a parent.  God is so good.

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Rain, Freezing Rain, Snow and Buses Cancelled…

The weather was forecasting crazy weather last night, every thing from snow to rain and everything in between so we woke up with the hope and expectation of a snow day.  Before waking the boys, I checked the web which pronounced that buses were cancelled! Wahoo!  I looked outside and there was nothing.  Sigh.  So while the high school kids were off, I decided to drive the younger boys in.  No sooner did I get home when a ton of snow fell and coloured my world white.  Then the rain fell and it was so gross out and yet I love that look that God created with the freezing rain kinda weather.  So beautiful!!!

12787159_10154509719050828_265741345_oOn the flip side I wore my fave shoes and by the time I got home my feet were soaked and frozen!!!

12421278_10154509719120828_1430058114_n

So many miss matched thoughts were buzzing though my head today…

***I was thinking of the verdict of the man that killed a grandfather and three little kids, his grandkids and the mom, as she expressed her pain and heart ache as he got just 5-8 years for impaired driving.  I can’t even begin to fathom… this mom’s life will never be the same.  Ever.  Stupidity and selfishness for any one who choices to drive and then drink… why would you ever take that chance, ever?

***I was thinking of people that choose to end their life.. how much pain they must be in to do it… to jump or pull the trigger or… what ever method they use and yet what if tomorrow is better?  They never had that chance… On Facebook, I shared an article,  “The Morning After I Killed Myself”   (click to read), the last paragraph made me pause… “The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. …….The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.”    

There’s always hope until you take that hope away.  It’s hard to get help sometimes, to pick up the phone, to renew your prescription, it’s hard.  Yet not impossible… ask for help.  Seek it.  I think that having a buddy system is a great idea… well it is for me.  You know, at AA, you have a sponsor… your “go to” person… why not have that with let’s say, mental illness (I hate that term).  I love that I have a friend, family member and shoot, even my own kids that will call me out… ask me if I am doing ok… and when I am acting crazy, they love me enough to ask… “Are you taking your crazy/happy pill?”  I realize that having that support is so important to my sanity.  I hate being so lax when it comes to my mental health but… that’s me, I guess!

***I was really missing my boys being younger today.  I was thinking that in 10 years so much will be different.  I’ll be so close to 60 years old… HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE????  Josh will be 20 meaning Sammy will be 30 years old!!! That means  marriages, DILS, grand babies and so much more!!!  This thought came as I saw a couple of houses for sale the last months were SOLD… which got me thinking if this house we are in is are last home or will we move once more with the kids?  I won’t answer that because that would stress Sanj right out.

***Sanj and I were discussing how much we are SO OPPOSITES  of each other!!!  I’m so glad that he is tolerate of my craziness, of me not being a morning person, of being a procrastinator, of being a hyper active person who never stops fidgeting… Oh I could go on… but I adore this guy!

***Is it weird that I was craving KD?  As we are on a journey to better eating and better health, I found myself buying a few boxes of KD Creamy and thought of making it just for me while the boys were in school.  Weird right?  I know.  It’s the first thing I learned to cook.  🙂  Well, speaking of weird… today Max took a box with him to a friend’s home.  I asked him if he enjoyed it… he said he was curious how it would taste if cooked with chocolate milk.  I guess he learned that it didn’t taste so good.  I guess my weirdness gene is a pretty powerful one!  It’s being passed on… lol

Ah… just a few thoughts from my crazy busy, never stops thinking, mind.  My boys surround me, wondering if tomorrow buses will be cancelled again?  I’d say at this point, it’s 50/50.  Hope your day was a great one and your night even better.

Posted in Boys, choices, crazy pill, faith, Family, food, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Humming and Driving Sanj Crazy…

I’m not sure when this started but I seem to hum all the time.  I didn’t realize it until Sanj pointed it out to me.   It’s something that apparently is annoying to him as it occurs in his daily work environment and it’s something he realized he finds irritating.  So … coming home to me humming, often nonsensical stuff (sometimes even the Barney theme song) does not create a relaxing environment.  Haha.  OK, I was not gifted with a pleasant voice.  I can’t  sing. I wish I could as it is very relaxing to me but God blessed me with a high pitched annoying voice.  I’m also hyper by nature.  So humming isn’t something I actually control, it just happens.  Often while I am humming and catch Sanj’s eye, with his cute eyebrow raised… lolol  he never says anything but it is a look of,
“Really?”

barney

OK, so often thorough my day I will come across stuff (guiltily usually on Huffington Post from Facebook)… and this grabbed my attention… Did you know that humming is GOOD FOR YOU?!!!

So, to my dear husband, I hum for you!  It is a way that I am taking care of me… so you won’t be a widow (or is it widower).  You won’t be allow to deal with your six sons and the crazy phases they are growing through!!!!

These are a few of the benefits of humming that I am able to relate to.  🙂

1: Grounds and brings you back to your centre.  I personally find it helps settle the feeling of being restless or scattered on the inside.

2: Promotes clarity of thinking by refreshing your mind. You can physically feel the vibration of the “hum” clear out the cob webs.

3: Has a very relaxing and soothing effect on your neck, face, head and shoulder muscles, which helps dissolve stress.

4: Humming reduces the number of thoughts that fill your head. When you are humming there is little room for over thinking.

5: Helps dissolve unproductive thinking.  If you are having a bout of negativity, jump straight into a few rounds of “hmmmm” and notice a shift in your thinking.

6: Calms your nervous system as it activates the parasympathetic nervous system.

7:  Improves sinusitis. The vibration helps shifts and clears pathways and blockages.  (Sanj, maybe you should give it a try… for your reoccurring sinusitis).

8: Lowers blood pressure.

(This information was found at www.naturalnews.com and www.healthyliving.com)  The last line in this article did say the following… “Humming does require making noise that others could find irritating, so for best results, it’s probably wise to save the humming for times when one is alone.”

Posted in Boys, choices, crazy pill, faith, Family, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Broken Heart, ADD and Bucket List

Day 2 in this new year… I’m writing!  Zach asked me what my Bucket List was for this year… and I had to pause.  I’ve given up on New Year’s Resolutions because I suck at the stick to it factor.  (Sanj… stop snickering)!  What is my Bucket List for this year?  Well, I really want to write again.  I miss it.  It, writing feels to therapeutic and yet when I don’t post it, I seem to feel like I have failed and it doesn’t count.

I really need to exercise and fix my diet … but while it is a constant try again, that sounds a little too much like a New Year Resolution.  Ugh!  I really want to better my character.  I want to try harder to be non-judgmental.  I want to tell to just love people, period.  Ugh, sometimes it’s  a hard thing to love those that annoy me or having annoying quirks.

Today my mil (mother-in-law) is in for open heart surgery.  It has me thinking of life and death and that fine line.  It has me wondering what will someone write in my obituary?  Am I living a life that will make me blush with pleasure as they talk about me?  Or will I be shamed?  What about the people that are just not nice?  What do they say?  Do they make it up?  I think a lot of my dad and his death and what we will do and say.

12593981_10154440802215828_2471661391411677043_o-2

I’m finding myself restless… being still, waiting and behaving! The only channel on is CNN and foolish chatter about Donald Trump.  Ugh.

It’s a bad day to be ADD!

Posted in General | Leave a comment

#Bell – Let’s Talk!

Did you know that 1 in 5 people suffer from mental health issues?  I’m one of those five people. # Let’s Talk!  Talking … having the courage to talk about this, actually saved me.  After Baby 6 came,  I lost me.  Postpartum blues went  right into depression… heavy and hard and I lost me.  The post baby stuff went into some deep dark depression as stuff happened with family and rocked my world.

Somebody noticed.  Somebody who was educated on this stuff saw something and said something.  The “saw some thing and said something” was key!  IT saved me.  Literally.  Being in a dark place is a very lonely place to be.  So often, while you are there, surviving, one day to the next, surviving 24 hours, is a huge task.  I am one of the five people that suffer with mental health issues.

I’m talking about it as I am here to say that there is help.  It is worth reach out for that help.  I’m so grateful for friends that I can be totally honest with… that I know I can say, “Help” and there is no judgement.  I’m grateful for a husband that truly gets frightened when I am getting lost in that place and supports what ever it is that I need to climb out of that hole.

I am raising kids that understand that if I don’t take my crazy pill or my happy pill or my whatever you want to call it pill, I am going to go to a place they know isn’t pleasant for me or them.  I am hoping that they grow up learning that mental health issues are hereditary, that it is like diabetes that runs in the family.  You just step up and treat what need treating.  I am so grateful that there is help out there.  There are people to talk to … who are educated in this and know how to help.  I’m grateful that there are meds out there to help me stabilize things just as there is meds to help regulate my sugars.

We must do away with the stigma.  We must stop letting mental health issues scare us.  We must learn to respect people that are dealing with this and have the courage to speak out …  Howie Mandel, Clara Hughes… I know there are numerous people that are stepping up and having courage to say… “Let’s Talk…”

Will you help stop the sigma of mental health issues?  # Bell: Let’s Talk!

rr-2015-01-21-bell-poster

Posted in Boys, choices, crazy pill, diabetes- type 2, Family, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Thoughts 9-10am

Today is one of those days… I have so many random thoughts racing through my mind and for maybe just an hour, I’d like to shut it down.  I’d like to stop the mumbo jumbo of so many random thoughts, each relevant in its own right.

images

Here at this moment, I am wondering…

* How do I teach my child(ren) to be self sufficient and yet give in to the mama’s heart when they say they are “Starving.”

*At what point do I stop worrying about family – or extended family when that worrying or effort is truly one sided… and yet I press forward because I want my boys to see that family is family— the good, the bad and the ugly.  (Of course this is excluding any abuse occurring).

* I am always hearing about the Type A personality.  I am married to one.  I live with one everyday.  I love one… most of the time. lolol Yet I am not one.  I struggle with this.  I mean should I be one?  If I am not a Type A- I feel like I am being too laid back, or unmotivated or lazy.  Yikes.  Is there a balance?  How do I achieve that ?

*My boys are growing too fast.  I see my teenagers speeding through their high school years and love that they seem happy (at least with others), self confident (for the most part) and making memories that I hope they will laugh through later in life.  I love the time I spend with them (especially when they  are in a good mood).  I love the sharing that occurs, even if they don’t share all, I appreciate that which IS shared.  I know my kids shouldn’t see me as a friend (yet) but I can’t help but love our relationship that is there (most of the time).

*Someone I love and respect asked me why I thought Jesus hasn’t come yet?   (This came up as yesterday was the day in Back to the Future date happened yesterday and I made the comment that back in the day, when we watched the movie, I never thought we’d see 2015!!! I never thought we’d live to see 2000!!! Thus the question was asked… do you wonder why Jesus hasn’t come… do you question if there really is God)?  Ok, so maybe I am naive but no, not really.  See, most of my life, I have HAD to believe in God.  I had to have the hope and faith that there is Someone there for me… through the beatings as a kid, though life’s disappointments, though the moments when I just didn’t think I could do tomorrow (depression overtaking), I mean… almost every day since I had kids… I have had to believe that there is Someone who loves my boys more than me… who is looking out for them when i can’t see their foolishness… I mean believing in God*** it really does help me wake up.  Everyday.  It gives me hope.  It gives me more do overs than I deserve.  I have had to believe that there is a God when Sanj decided to love me!!!  I mean that to me, after some 7 years was like winning the lotto!  I mean, I had to believe in a God when I held each little baby in my arms that first moment.  Or when I look at our family pictures… how can I not believe in a God?

*I was thinking of Christmas coming and how much I love being with the boys (even when they are fighting).   I was thinking of Sanj and the gift I am going to  give him… and of course the gift I hope he gives me!!! lolol  I was thinking of just that time of year when every one seems extra nice…

*I went to PMH (the cancer hospital in TO) with FIL this week.  I haven’t been able to shake off that sadness and despair  I saw and felt while there… of all those super sick people clinging to the chance of life.  I felt like I needed a shower after leave there.  I am so grateful for those that choose on purpose to work those that are so sick.  Thank you.

*Then along the same thought, I was thinking if I could volunteer at hospice.  Could I handle it?

*And.. then all around me there are the fundraisers for cancer research.  Will they find that cure?  Or are they keeping the monies because they must make a stupid amount of money.  And yet… it is not like me to be so pessimistic.

*Then there is a lady in my life… who is dying of cancer.  She has been given 1-6 years to live.  Yet she can’t stop working or she’s lose her house.  And she has kids.  And life is so hard for her all the time.  Sanj is worried about me being pulled in to her world and yet I really am not sure I can turn away.  She needs someone.  Right?

*Those are a lot of depressing thoughts.

*I miss my brothers.

*I have so much I want to do… and yet right now feel that darkness (depression) threatening to pull me in.  NOOOOO!  And my thoughts… about my meds… how much I hate my med… and how much I need it.

I love Sanj.

I love my boys so much.

I love knowing that God is in control, even when I am feeling out of control.

It’s only 10 am … theses are just some of my thoughts.

Posted in Boys, choices, crazy pill, faith, Family, food, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Did He Really Just Call Me Fat?

This is a post my husband wrote that I am sharing here.  I couldn’t have said it any better, plus he is pretty diplomatic.  :12122713_1186784684670207_7216451552138709083_n

Did He Really Just Call Me Fat ?
Are we ever really satisfied with ourselves, our bodies? I have often considered writing this piece but have never been able to get myself to do it, as it is a sensitive subject for me. Growing up I was always the skinny kid, unhappy with how thin I was. Those bodybuilding ads in the 70s did resonate with me even then as they challenged you to stop being the 90lb. weakling getting sand kicked in your face (I doubt I was even 90lbs. at the time).  My Dad was interestingly enough rather conscious of his fi
tness, which was odd given that we were immigrants with Dad being of East Indian origin, where working out was not consistent with the cultural point of reference. I remember well the day we got that mail order package with all of the cool springs and pulleys and gadgets that made up the Joe Weider workout kit. In the workout kit was an instructional booklet as well as images of a young Arnold Schwartzneger. I remember going upstairs in our garage which was an old barn and doing those chest expansion exercises with the three springed contraption or using the grip strength squeezers that I could barely reach with my fingers or a variety of other contraption based exercises.

The point is that early on in life I became aware of my need to change or at least that was the message that I was getting from somewhere whether it was television or magazines. I was more Gilligan than Arnold at the time and really wanted to be something other than what I was. Through my high school and most of my university years I tried desperately to gain weight, working out and eating whatever I wanted. Needless to say I had very little understanding of what good nutrition was at that time, as it did not seem to matter. As I got older,  what I used to consider a problem (being too thin) disappeared to be replaced by another problem. Genetics and an eat anything diet eventually caught up with me and I was now working out to lose weight and get strong.

Over the years, this battle has been mine and I have educated myself on training methods and nutrition and supplementation and at times, I have been right on top of things. It is funny but when my wife was pregnant with our first son,  I gained far more weight than her, as we ate out constantly eating at those awesome Scarborough Indian restaurants and while I ate and gained weight, Reema ate and threw up, due to her pregnancy. Eventually I would get sick of myself and train hard and lose the weight getting back to some degree of health. Once I ended up losing about 60lbs in about two and a half months training like a mad man and eating like a rabbit.

As I aged, I found that my metabolism and as a result my body no longer responded to my efforts the same way it once did and indeed my thyroid was now a little underactive. Having gained and lost weight so many times I just didn’t have the energy to do it again as I knew exactly how hard it was to do. I have never stopped working out in the last 25 plus years and was in decent shape from a strength perspective I could bench 1.3 times my body weight at age 50 and squat 1.7 times my body weight.   The problem was my body weight had again skyrocketed and I found myself the heaviest I had ever been and now in need of a cholesterol pill. Now here is the real reason I am writing this. For those of us that struggle with weight and body image, we tend to be hyper aware of our shape and size etc. so when those around us feel compelled to openly recognize the fact that we may have gained weight they are not telling us something we don’t know. I have been blown away by the brazen willingness of people to tell me things like…. And I quote, “time to push away from the table”, “you better stop eating now”, “boy you have packed on the pounds”. It goes on and on.

What really boggles me is that this happens in my own clinic quite often by people that I have been taking care of for many years with as much kindness as I can. I have had more patients make these assertions over the years than I care to remember. As I hear these people so willingly be hurtful to me, I wonder if others go through the same thing. Interestingly the people that point this out to me are not consistently in great shape themselves. I must say however that the majority of my patients are kind enough to keep those obvious observations to themselves. In reality I have had people that are in far worse shape than me point out to me that I have put on more than a few pounds. In the recent past, I have managed to find it within myself to get past the hurtfulness of others and get back into shape. I have been able to improve on my strength to weight ratio and am very close to my ideal weight again but interestingly enough, I now have an even harder time with those that point out that I seem to have lost a lot of weight as it seems to be a reminder that others seem to care about how I look which I know is not really fair as that is my own hang-up. It would be nice if we lived in a world where we were a little more sensitive to the feelings of those around us as we each have our own battles in life to deal with and would find kindness far more empowering than thoughtless comments.

Posted in choices, food, General, love, moments, relationships | Leave a comment

Manners…

Do manners matter?  Are they becoming extinct?  Maybe it is the way I was raised or that I am getting older or… I’m weird (Ok, no comment on that…lol).  Lately I’ve noticed that manners seem to be forgotten.  I’m not talking about kids here… but adults, young and old.

Manners1

I was driving to the little grocery store in our little town and there was an older lady getting ready to cross, so I waved her on so she could cross, knowing she was going to be slow.  No worries.  Someday that will be me and I hope to be extended the same courtesy.  This woman looked at me, grumpily.  No wave or appreciation of thanks.  Ok, really?  Being friendly takes but a split second and that gesture will always uplift someone.  Maybe it shouldn’t have bothered me but her rudeness, her grumpy face had me upset. (Obviously).

I was at the mall with the boys doing that dreaded Back to School shop… when I opened the door to exit and waited that split sec since there were a few teen girls behind me.  1) No acknowledgement of thanks 2) They all just walked through, continuing their jibber jabber, while I stood and held the door open.  Really?

Over the years, the boys know how we feel about gratitude.  It’s important. Isn’t it?  It’s funny because if we take the boys out with their friends, let’s say, my boys will always say “Thanks Mom, Dad…” and maybe as a prompt to their sidekick.  I’m usually very surprised at the lack of manners some (a small few ) have.  Shocked and disappointed because it’s just polite.  Isn’t it?

Are manners a thing of the past?  Do they manner?

Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, General, love, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment