In Prison!

A podcast was sent to me to listen to called “Confronting a Childhood Abuser”. As I listened to the end of it, as the victim expressed his thoughts at the end, these were some of my same thoughts and struggles.

BF (my rapist) was someone that everyone adored and never would have questioned. Despite the fact that there was at least one complaint that he tried to kiss a student, she slapped him, it was swept under the rug. The student’s family chose to shush it rather than stirring up trouble. The administration chose to turn their head. Or the fact that he was very inappropriate with suggustions to student during a student lead weekend… no denial of it on tape…

Blah blah blah, you have heard all this from me. Yet what struck me in this podcast were a few things. Maybe not so much now, but how did parents/ family members live with themselves shushing this evil act? I have heard stories, not just one or two but sadly numerous amounts that chose to protect the church rather than tending to the victim? How will this parent/ family member that chose to look the other way answer God? How often are we taught to forgive and offer them redemption? There is so much guilt associated with evil acts especially done by psychopaths. They believe they are innocent. They believe the lies that come out of their mouth. I asked my therapist this past week, are psychopaths able to be sorry? Are they able to see past their lies? I have said before that I have forgiven BF. I have worked hard to do so and I believe that only with God’s help have I achieved this. And yet… it’s not about forgiveness I am realizing. I have peace that passes the understanding of most, including myself that I am able to forgive him.

YET what about the others? I mentioned two that I know of for certain. Then there are the others that are out there, for certain and yet I know that they have not, can not, or will not come out with the fact that they too are victims of BF.

How much responsibility is there on the victim for what happens to their abuser? There is forgiveness and yet there are consequences that are a result of their vile act. If BF lost his reputation or job, working as a head chaplain at 3 major hospitals, is this on me? Looking back, BF lied to me. He said, ” I don’t know  if you think that I’m experienced at  handling perfectly every situation that comes my way.”   Yes he was! He knew, knows how to take advantage of his postion of power that he was over the vulnerable. The consequencse of his actions are on him, not me. That has been hard to accept as we are taught that this is on us… somehow, the victim.

Was it worth it for me to come out with my story? How could I not speak up if there were other victims? (Did it do me much good, 3 decades ago? No). Am I happy there are others that got hurt? In this podcast, he expresses my feelings so well. I hate that there ARE other victims, yet speaking up, I hope they know they are not alone. I know what that prison feels like that BF put you in. I guess I am writing this because I hope that by sharing over and again, it will reach you, that victim of BF. You are not alone. Please reach out and you will find you are not in that prison any longer. It is not you who should be behind those bars.

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