#Bell – Let’s Talk!

Did you know that 1 in 5 people suffer from mental health issues?  I’m one of those five people. # Let’s Talk!  Talking … having the courage to talk about this, actually saved me.  After Baby 6 came,  I lost me.  Postpartum blues went  right into depression… heavy and hard and I lost me.  The post baby stuff went into some deep dark depression as stuff happened with family and rocked my world.

Somebody noticed.  Somebody who was educated on this stuff saw something and said something.  The “saw some thing and said something” was key!  IT saved me.  Literally.  Being in a dark place is a very lonely place to be.  So often, while you are there, surviving, one day to the next, surviving 24 hours, is a huge task.  I am one of the five people that suffer with mental health issues.

I’m talking about it as I am here to say that there is help.  It is worth reach out for that help.  I’m so grateful for friends that I can be totally honest with… that I know I can say, “Help” and there is no judgement.  I’m grateful for a husband that truly gets frightened when I am getting lost in that place and supports what ever it is that I need to climb out of that hole.

I am raising kids that understand that if I don’t take my crazy pill or my happy pill or my whatever you want to call it pill, I am going to go to a place they know isn’t pleasant for me or them.  I am hoping that they grow up learning that mental health issues are hereditary, that it is like diabetes that runs in the family.  You just step up and treat what need treating.  I am so grateful that there is help out there.  There are people to talk to … who are educated in this and know how to help.  I’m grateful that there are meds out there to help me stabilize things just as there is meds to help regulate my sugars.

We must do away with the stigma.  We must stop letting mental health issues scare us.  We must learn to respect people that are dealing with this and have the courage to speak out …  Howie Mandel, Clara Hughes… I know there are numerous people that are stepping up and having courage to say… “Let’s Talk…”

Will you help stop the sigma of mental health issues?  # Bell: Let’s Talk!


Posted in Boys, choices, crazy pill, diabetes- type 2, Family, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

Thoughts 9-10am

Today is one of those days… I have so many random thoughts racing through my mind and for maybe just an hour, I’d like to shut it down.  I’d like to stop the mumbo jumbo of so many random thoughts, each relevant in its own right.


Here at this moment, I am wondering…

* How do I teach my child(ren) to be self sufficient and yet give in to the mama’s heart when they say they are “Starving.”

*At what point do I stop worrying about family – or extended family when that worrying or effort is truly one sided… and yet I press forward because I want my boys to see that family is family— the good, the bad and the ugly.  (Of course this is excluding any abuse occurring).

* I am always hearing about the Type A personality.  I am married to one.  I live with one everyday.  I love one… most of the time. lolol Yet I am not one.  I struggle with this.  I mean should I be one?  If I am not a Type A- I feel like I am being too laid back, or unmotivated or lazy.  Yikes.  Is there a balance?  How do I achieve that ?

*My boys are growing too fast.  I see my teenagers speeding through their high school years and love that they seem happy (at least with others), self confident (for the most part) and making memories that I hope they will laugh through later in life.  I love the time I spend with them (especially when they  are in a good mood).  I love the sharing that occurs, even if they don’t share all, I appreciate that which IS shared.  I know my kids shouldn’t see me as a friend (yet) but I can’t help but love our relationship that is there (most of the time).

*Someone I love and respect asked me why I thought Jesus hasn’t come yet?   (This came up as yesterday was the day in Back to the Future date happened yesterday and I made the comment that back in the day, when we watched the movie, I never thought we’d see 2015!!! I never thought we’d live to see 2000!!! Thus the question was asked… do you wonder why Jesus hasn’t come… do you question if there really is God)?  Ok, so maybe I am naive but no, not really.  See, most of my life, I have HAD to believe in God.  I had to have the hope and faith that there is Someone there for me… through the beatings as a kid, though life’s disappointments, though the moments when I just didn’t think I could do tomorrow (depression overtaking), I mean… almost every day since I had kids… I have had to believe that there is Someone who loves my boys more than me… who is looking out for them when i can’t see their foolishness… I mean believing in God*** it really does help me wake up.  Everyday.  It gives me hope.  It gives me more do overs than I deserve.  I have had to believe that there is a God when Sanj decided to love me!!!  I mean that to me, after some 7 years was like winning the lotto!  I mean, I had to believe in a God when I held each little baby in my arms that first moment.  Or when I look at our family pictures… how can I not believe in a God?

*I was thinking of Christmas coming and how much I love being with the boys (even when they are fighting).   I was thinking of Sanj and the gift I am going to  give him… and of course the gift I hope he gives me!!! lolol  I was thinking of just that time of year when every one seems extra nice…

*I went to PMH (the cancer hospital in TO) with FIL this week.  I haven’t been able to shake off that sadness and despair  I saw and felt while there… of all those super sick people clinging to the chance of life.  I felt like I needed a shower after leave there.  I am so grateful for those that choose on purpose to work those that are so sick.  Thank you.

*Then along the same thought, I was thinking if I could volunteer at hospice.  Could I handle it?

*And.. then all around me there are the fundraisers for cancer research.  Will they find that cure?  Or are they keeping the monies because they must make a stupid amount of money.  And yet… it is not like me to be so pessimistic.

*Then there is a lady in my life… who is dying of cancer.  She has been given 1-6 years to live.  Yet she can’t stop working or she’s lose her house.  And she has kids.  And life is so hard for her all the time.  Sanj is worried about me being pulled in to her world and yet I really am not sure I can turn away.  She needs someone.  Right?

*Those are a lot of depressing thoughts.

*I miss my brothers.

*I have so much I want to do… and yet right now feel that darkness (depression) threatening to pull me in.  NOOOOO!  And my thoughts… about my meds… how much I hate my med… and how much I need it.

I love Sanj.

I love my boys so much.

I love knowing that God is in control, even when I am feeling out of control.

It’s only 10 am … theses are just some of my thoughts.

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Did He Really Just Call Me Fat?

This is a post my husband wrote that I am sharing here.  I couldn’t have said it any better, plus he is pretty diplomatic.  :12122713_1186784684670207_7216451552138709083_n

Did He Really Just Call Me Fat ?
Are we ever really satisfied with ourselves, our bodies? I have often considered writing this piece but have never been able to get myself to do it, as it is a sensitive subject for me. Growing up I was always the skinny kid, unhappy with how thin I was. Those bodybuilding ads in the 70s did resonate with me even then as they challenged you to stop being the 90lb. weakling getting sand kicked in your face (I doubt I was even 90lbs. at the time).  My Dad was interestingly enough rather conscious of his fi
tness, which was odd given that we were immigrants with Dad being of East Indian origin, where working out was not consistent with the cultural point of reference. I remember well the day we got that mail order package with all of the cool springs and pulleys and gadgets that made up the Joe Weider workout kit. In the workout kit was an instructional booklet as well as images of a young Arnold Schwartzneger. I remember going upstairs in our garage which was an old barn and doing those chest expansion exercises with the three springed contraption or using the grip strength squeezers that I could barely reach with my fingers or a variety of other contraption based exercises.

The point is that early on in life I became aware of my need to change or at least that was the message that I was getting from somewhere whether it was television or magazines. I was more Gilligan than Arnold at the time and really wanted to be something other than what I was. Through my high school and most of my university years I tried desperately to gain weight, working out and eating whatever I wanted. Needless to say I had very little understanding of what good nutrition was at that time, as it did not seem to matter. As I got older,  what I used to consider a problem (being too thin) disappeared to be replaced by another problem. Genetics and an eat anything diet eventually caught up with me and I was now working out to lose weight and get strong.

Over the years, this battle has been mine and I have educated myself on training methods and nutrition and supplementation and at times, I have been right on top of things. It is funny but when my wife was pregnant with our first son,  I gained far more weight than her, as we ate out constantly eating at those awesome Scarborough Indian restaurants and while I ate and gained weight, Reema ate and threw up, due to her pregnancy. Eventually I would get sick of myself and train hard and lose the weight getting back to some degree of health. Once I ended up losing about 60lbs in about two and a half months training like a mad man and eating like a rabbit.

As I aged, I found that my metabolism and as a result my body no longer responded to my efforts the same way it once did and indeed my thyroid was now a little underactive. Having gained and lost weight so many times I just didn’t have the energy to do it again as I knew exactly how hard it was to do. I have never stopped working out in the last 25 plus years and was in decent shape from a strength perspective I could bench 1.3 times my body weight at age 50 and squat 1.7 times my body weight.   The problem was my body weight had again skyrocketed and I found myself the heaviest I had ever been and now in need of a cholesterol pill. Now here is the real reason I am writing this. For those of us that struggle with weight and body image, we tend to be hyper aware of our shape and size etc. so when those around us feel compelled to openly recognize the fact that we may have gained weight they are not telling us something we don’t know. I have been blown away by the brazen willingness of people to tell me things like…. And I quote, “time to push away from the table”, “you better stop eating now”, “boy you have packed on the pounds”. It goes on and on.

What really boggles me is that this happens in my own clinic quite often by people that I have been taking care of for many years with as much kindness as I can. I have had more patients make these assertions over the years than I care to remember. As I hear these people so willingly be hurtful to me, I wonder if others go through the same thing. Interestingly the people that point this out to me are not consistently in great shape themselves. I must say however that the majority of my patients are kind enough to keep those obvious observations to themselves. In reality I have had people that are in far worse shape than me point out to me that I have put on more than a few pounds. In the recent past, I have managed to find it within myself to get past the hurtfulness of others and get back into shape. I have been able to improve on my strength to weight ratio and am very close to my ideal weight again but interestingly enough, I now have an even harder time with those that point out that I seem to have lost a lot of weight as it seems to be a reminder that others seem to care about how I look which I know is not really fair as that is my own hang-up. It would be nice if we lived in a world where we were a little more sensitive to the feelings of those around us as we each have our own battles in life to deal with and would find kindness far more empowering than thoughtless comments.

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Do manners matter?  Are they becoming extinct?  Maybe it is the way I was raised or that I am getting older or… I’m weird (Ok, no comment on that…lol).  Lately I’ve noticed that manners seem to be forgotten.  I’m not talking about kids here… but adults, young and old.


I was driving to the little grocery store in our little town and there was an older lady getting ready to cross, so I waved her on so she could cross, knowing she was going to be slow.  No worries.  Someday that will be me and I hope to be extended the same courtesy.  This woman looked at me, grumpily.  No wave or appreciation of thanks.  Ok, really?  Being friendly takes but a split second and that gesture will always uplift someone.  Maybe it shouldn’t have bothered me but her rudeness, her grumpy face had me upset. (Obviously).

I was at the mall with the boys doing that dreaded Back to School shop… when I opened the door to exit and waited that split sec since there were a few teen girls behind me.  1) No acknowledgement of thanks 2) They all just walked through, continuing their jibber jabber, while I stood and held the door open.  Really?

Over the years, the boys know how we feel about gratitude.  It’s important. Isn’t it?  It’s funny because if we take the boys out with their friends, let’s say, my boys will always say “Thanks Mom, Dad…” and maybe as a prompt to their sidekick.  I’m usually very surprised at the lack of manners some (a small few ) have.  Shocked and disappointed because it’s just polite.  Isn’t it?

Are manners a thing of the past?  Do they manner?

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Hutt Hutt Hutt….

It’s Monday!  The weekend was rainy, pretty much non stop… and you know  what?  I love that!!!  I love a rainy day or weekend that brings out the need to start a fire, make some comfort food and yes… even do laundry!  I do hate that it required me to go out in it… but oh well, it was all good.  The temperature has changed drastically!  Ok.. I know I’, a minority in this  but I love fall!!! I love sweater weather!!! I love NOT being hot!!! Yes, I said it!  I’m hot all the time in the summer and it’s not comfortable especially because Sanj is always cold. lol So… fall is here, with the coolish weather and I LOVE IT!!! Then there’s the best part of September… it’s my birthday month!!!!  If you know me at all, then enuf said.

One of the worst things that can happen is when the washer or dryer break.  Yes, I hate laundry but I hate it worse that when this happens, I suddenly can’t think about anything aside from the laundry that is piling up!  And the repair people can’t come till later this week.  Really?  Of course that is because it’s still under warranty …. I’m sure if I was paying, they’d be out here yesterday!

Ok, what ever!  It’s going to be a good week.  Last week Josh started football.  He’s a big boy and a home body and a bit of techno addict.  Hockey is not his thing.  WWE has been his thing the last year and a bit.  Trying to help him find his thing has been a journey but  you know, he’s finding himself.  I love that he is his own person.  100%.  I am very proud of his tenacious personality that has a touch of anxiety.  This child of mine is ridiculously huge in his gear!  I love that despite his nervousness and anxiety he did it, he is learning all the stuff that comes with playing football.  I also love that the brothers come and support him, pride on their faces.  Hutt hutt hutt!!!


Once home, Josh and Sanj have to do the moves…. and then there’s football now that they watch together on tv and even baseball.  My boy is growing up, totally unique and unlike his brothers and yet so much like them.

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Urban Legend?


First, let me apologize for  the quality of this picture.  It is my regret that I never did actually order this  but thanks to social media it is out there and obtainable!  SO yesterday was picture day for the high school boys.  I’ve learned that this means anything goes… and it’s usually in the backpack and I won’ t be aware of it till the photo is taken.

I want to say this was Tyler’s grade 10 (?) high school picture.  The school has a NO HAT policy, at least for pictures.  This picture is the school picture for the year book as well as their picture that is on there student ID card that they will use year round.

First of all, can I start off by saying my Tyler was a mama’s boy as a child.  He was a nervous sort and scared of the big world out there.  He was not a child to do foolishness and not one that  would have had the guts to do so either.  High school seemed to give him the power to let out his foolish self.

So back to the picture day, a few years + ago.  Tyler put on this Indian garb we had and put the turban in the back pack and off he went.  I guess no one was going to tell him NO HAT rule was in effect.  As he sat down, the photographer didn’t quite know what to make of it.  I mean was Tyler a Sikh? Was the turban part of his religion?  I mean, WHO would dare question this?  Today everyone must be politically correct, Right?  So, there sat my Tyler, straight-faced, wearing a turban and succeed in wearing a “hat” for picture day.

Max mentioned this yesterday, that a teacher was telling about urban legend of sorts of a “boy” who wore a turban to school on picture day … despite the no hat rule. LOLOL

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Housewives and Breastfeeding….

It’s Thursday and I have had 3 days of success… we’ve been on time! Today I was missing my boys. I mean I get asked all the time if I’m thrilled for school to be back in session so the boys are gone? Yet the truth is I enjoy my boys in between the fighting. I mean, seriously, they are hilarious!!! I wish I could remember all that foolishness that is uttered and often leave me speechless and aghast.

Today I was laughing and giving thanks to God for these creatures that He saw fit to intrust me with. They truly have weird and unique minds. I mean, I worry a bit as I realize I am just a bit (lol) eccentric, that they maybe are just weird to the outside world. Do other kids think like for example, my Max?


So today I picked Max up for his orthodontist appointment. He was worried about being late for his next class. I asked what class… and he replied Hospitality. OK… so Sammy loved Hospitality… he enjoys cooking. Tyler and Jordan too, seemed to enjoy it well enough. All three older boys are able to cook various dishes and are definitely self sufficient. Now Max… is my child that refuses to cook or even make toast, scramble eggs or KD. He is just plain lazy, I guess. He will usually resort to eating cereal if no one “serves” him. SMH.

After a day of Hospitality, I was curious. His explanation of Hospitality was a class for GIRLS and how to behave with company coming … and I am staring at him…. like he is an alien. I mean Sanj and have have pretty traditional roles in our family, neither of us are defined by stereotypical roles. Then Max tells me that the teacher is teaching us like we are house wives. OK… I wish I took selfie of my appalled-ment (I realize this isn’t a real word but it should be). I said a few things… but told him that I’m technically a housewife… offended… and he says, “But you’re not one of those kinds (of housewives).”  Totally concerned, I told him that in this day and age, the woman he marries will expect an equal partnership of sorts…. she’s not going to be putting up with your foolishness. I asked how he thought he’d find a wife like in his head? He replied…. “Why do you think I’m checking out the girls in this class?”

I can’t wait to see what girl will put this child of mine in his place.  lolol

This is a Max post… so I may as well continue. We were in Canadian Tire and as we stood looking for a wire cutter, Max asked me, totally randomly, “Are girls breastfeed?”

Ok, imagine my confusion. Girls? What girls? I looked at him… “You mean, BABY GIRLS?”
He said, “Yes.”
I was so baffled and again a little worried… what is wrong with this child???
I said, “Max, BABIES are breast fed. (Unless they are bottle fed) Period.”
I guess he’s never seen a girl baby breast fed.

Of course I must add this disclaimer… that while Max says and questions things like a fool… usually he’s just doing  it to get my reaction…. and 10/10 I don’t let him down, I’m sure!

I love my boys. I love their spirit and authenticity. I love their inquisitness. I love their play and humour even when it is irreverent. I love that they can share their foolishness— what is hilarious to them, despite the off coloured-ness. I love my connection to them though often enough I will feel a disconnect because well… they are boys, males to be specific. Nuff Said.

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Brussel Sprouts….

It’s afternoon.  Sanj called and seemed surprised that I was home and when I told him what I was doing he seemed even more surprised and said I sounded domesticated. Blah!  I really don’t like that word.  Maybe if he said Domesticated Goddess — it may sound a bit more appealing. lol

On school days, I like having supper on the go by the time the boys are home.  This allows me to hear them and all about their day… well probably just Josh’s day.  The others may give me a few sentences.. if I am lucky.  Anyhow…. today I am making salmon,  brussels sprouts and lemon rice.  Yum!  I love salmon because it’s healthy, mess free and quick.  Brussel sprouts, I used to hate.  Then I messed with it and found a yummy version… and thought I’d inhale it all but discovered my people loved it too! I sliced the brusell sprouts, in as many slices as I can, not worrying if they come out messy.  (Make sure to wash them really good).  Then with a bit of oil and a little smidgen  of butter, sauté the sprouts till they are crispy!  Add a little salt, pepper, garlic and red chilli flakes… and Yum!

Ok…. but since I am home and lunch time came around I made this delish, super yummy, pasta for me.  Weird.  One  portion  which was weird!

Bring to boil the pasta of your choice… I used bow tie as I like the cute shape and lots of salt.

Then made the brussels sprouts as I did above.  Then added turkey bacon, diced.

11998654_10154118441545828_457971666_nYes, I sautéed the wazoo out of it and it was crunchy.  Then add the pasta, some parmesan cheese.   If I had lemon that would have been the icing — a squeeze of it’s juice.  I had more veggies then pasta in the pot so I felt good making it a lighter carb meal.

11911701_10154118441625828_326190798_nI’m fueled up, laundry is under control, supper is known (isn’t that the hardest part… just knowing WHAT to make)?

I hope my babes had a great day — can’t wait to see and hear all about it.

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I’ve got butterflies in my tummy.  It’s the first day of school.  My boys were up and at it, probably excited and nervous and a whole bunch of other emotions.  I find that I have all those same emotions too.  Summer is over.  I love summer with my boys.  I love the freedom of doing whatever whenever.  I love that we just have fun making memories in between the fighting.  I love the — “What are we going to do today…” and the blank slate that is there…  so I am sad to see summer go.  I am feeling all sorts of emotions as I watched the older boys all leave, on their own, leaving me with just two to drop off… and only one willing to take that annual school picture.


Josh asked me, “Are you going to be lonely?”  Probably. lol  He also then commented on that fact there was the laundry (which was all around me yesterday as I tried to get a whack of it done) was there to keep me company.   Haha!

 I think of my college boys, Sammy especially, heading into a whole new world.  Of course I know he will be fine as he is such a social being and will no doubt laugh if he knew I had butterflies for him.  Yet… not knowing what you want to be “when you grow up” is a hard thing.  So I worry about him… about him just choosing something… and pray that God will drop upon him that answer … with the impact so heavy … he will know without a doubt what that is.

There’s my Tyler, as he heads into his second year of college, I want for him to find passion in something too.  He wants to be a police.  Yet he must do school first… and while he is on this course, I wish him excitement about his learning.  Is that asking for too much?  I just want him to feel something…. I have butterflies for him because he is my kid that can be anxious and yet not even know that is the emotion that is ruling him.  I pray that God can let Tyler feel that hovering so he knows he is never alone.

My Jordan is heading into his last year of high school!  Wow! How is that possible?  I have butterflies as I think of him proudly grown into a leader, confident and secure.  I pray that God continues to wrap His arms around Jordan and nudge him too, into the path only God knows will give him excitement over his future.  I pray that this last year of high school will be filled with happy memories.

There’s my Max, another high schooler… grade 10… butterflies hover in my belly as I think of this son of mine, fun loving, silly and yet intense and determined.  The butterflies hover as I think of all that could happen while playing and pray for protection and yet wish him that easy- going-ness that makes ones childhood a beauty.  I wonder what God has in store for Max’s future?

I realize that I have a lot of kids!!! Phew!

My two youngest, still in elementary, so much happening during their learning and playing.  I wish the butterflies would calm down as I can’t believe this is Zach’s last year.  He is ready to move onto high school.  He is so much like Sammy, my social being.  There is so much that will occur over this year and I wish him all that endurance that inhale all that learning and playing.

Josh… my butterflies were all over the place as I walked over to him this morning, as he stood in line with his class… I could see him shaking his head… clueing me in that a kiss or anything of that kind was not appropriate! lol  Sob!  He’s such a sweet boy.  He’s such a homebody and yet it was great to see him excited today.  I hope and pray that excitement carries him into the year.  I pray that school is a joy this year and not stressful.  He had great teachers last year.  He learned so much.  I pray for that to continue and his joy for learning to grow.

Here’s to a new school year… 2015-2016.  May the Lord bless each and every one of our babes.

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This time next week, the boys will have completed their first day of school and life will be heading back to more routine and schedule.  This last week is busy with all that last minute stuff and I am mourning the end of summer.  No I am not one of those moms that are happy to see the school year here… and my kids gone.  I actually enjoy the casualness of our days that summer allows.

Today I was in the office to babysit one of Sanj’s employee’s babe.  With a cutie- I believe he was 10 months old.  Josh came along with me to babysit and loved every minute of it.  I was grateful that he didn’t ask again, if we could have a baby!  Josh was great with the baby and the baby seems to reciprocate the same back his enjoyment.  Wow, I forgot about baby mode!  God definitely knew what He was doing having us reproduce at a younger, energetic age! LOL  Again— not sure how the biblical Sarah did it!!!

Today I was confronted with feeling like I was in high school again.  Friendships… and the silly games that get played.  I saw someone at the mall who for a while, I was close to.  Then for some truly unknown reason, she withdrew and we are not friends.  Weird.  I made the effort a few times.  Yet as one would act in high school, so was it treated.  I have to admit smh many a time, feeling the hurt of confusion and having it unresolved.  I hate that feeling … and sadly, I’ve had that happen with three specific friendship where I thought we were all that and then suddenly (and I do mean suddenly) it’s like we broke up.  I take friendship seriously so I’m an all or nothing gal.  I don’t get it.  I have a lot of girlfriends in Peterborough that are my friends.  And I appreciate them and the  fact that we can go out for coffee and catch up and hug and know that I’m here and will be for you. till we make the effort to catch up again.  Then there is that close circle of friends.  The older I get, the smaller that circle becomes.  I get that it’s a reality of life.  I also get that time and life have a way of making some relationships grow.


I guess as most of my boys are finally growing out of elementary age and on to high school…and college, it changes things too.  Maybe this is a cycle of life.  I don’t know.  Yet as I saw this  former friend, I still felt pain and betrayal.  I suppose a piece of me wants to lash out.  And yet know  I won’t.

When Sanj came home, as we were chatting he made a passing comment that a friend… someone I was close to for a period of time… and then life came and she moved and we become more social passing by friends, died.  She died of an aggressive cancer.  I am shocked.  And saddened.  And wonder if she knew she was a special part of me for that time.  I wonder if she knew that I loved her and appreciated that piece of her that was in my life?

Then I wonder about these unresolved relationships… do I address them with a letter?  Do I just find a way to let it go?  Will I be sorry that they were unresolved it I found out they passed?

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Look Out… Ottawa….

Today is here.  Sammy is off to Ottawa.  Yes, I know I said bye to him already a few months ago but this seems different and harder.  He’s on his own, cooking, living, studying.  I remember my parents driving me to Michigan to drop me off at Andrews University.  In some ways it doesn’t seem that long ago and yet it seems like a life time ago.  I remember waving to them, standing outside the girl’s dorm, feeling butterflies, excitement and fear.

Now my kid is there… of course there are many differences.  He is doing so with his girlfriend. While this isn’t a choice we would make for him, he is making his choices and will learn from his decisions.  I pray for them… and ask God to hover over them with His love and protection and warmth (it’s Ottawa and gets crazy cold there).  I pray for their relationship and that love and respect and laughter are overflowing in their relationship.  I pray that God is center in their world.

Then there’s school- I can only pray that God grabs Sammy and holds his hand as he enters this world of higher learning.  God… please give him patience and will power to dig deep as I know he can and inhale all that knowledge that will give him the tools to grow in his chosen career … and please make that so clear to him, God.  Help him find himself and know Your plan in his life.

Tarah… his girlfriend… please Lord, hover over her as she has left all she knows so far away.  Help her with all she needs… may she feel your peace and love overflowing over her.

Growing up today is so different.  Please Jesus… I pray for all of our friends and families that are taking this step with their young one.  It is never easy to kiss our babies and send them off into the big scary world!!!  May they remember all the things that they have been taught… mainly that You love them so much!  Please help them remember You are right there for them… always.

I start this day… knowing that I have a Heavenly Father who loves my boy more than I even could.  Thank you for all Your promises to take care of our babies.


Here’s to a great school year!

Sammy- I love you. I am so excited for you.  You will be great!  Study. Study hard.  I’m so proud of the man you are becoming.  We are always here for you.  (Just don’t ask for money!!! lol).  Jesus loves you. Turn to Him.  He is always there.  I am so excited to watch you soar!  Love you to the moon and back!

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Trust and Obey…

“God doesn’t waste anything, especially pain” (Pastor Kenniphas- from today’s sermon). Very rarely will you hear me quoting a sermon… my mind has a hard time staying focused.  I usually get blessed by the music and then my mind will wander, catching bits here and there.  Today, I think God was talking directly to me and used the sermon to do so.  Oh, my mind wandered but there was a lot that was being said that I believe God was knocking me on the head with.

This week was brutal.  I didn’t bother to tell anyone because it is the same song that I sing and I am sick of hearing myself, so I can only imagine those close to me hearing it again.  Especially when the answer is obvious.  Take my pill.  Why do I stop?  I’m not really sure.  I guess it’s pure laziness.  I get in bed and the thought of having to get up and take the drugs seems overwhelming… at least this time.  Then a day and then two go by and I feel good and then figure (even though I know better), maybe I don’t need it!!! Lie!!! Then I find myself in a closet, crying.  Everything seems so hard.  Everything.  I tried disguising it  by giving the right answers or laughing when I don’t feel like it.  Inevitably I crash.  Usually the trigger is cleaning  and then I scream at my people for leaving their crap around.  Then they all stare.  Then they know.  I’ve fallen off the wagon… off my pill.

Yes, if you read my blog, you know this is something I deal with every so often.  Yet I have such anger with myself.  I didn’t ask to be mentally ill.  I mean, why me?  I hate all the pills I have to take … if you add my diabetic drugs… yah, I’m swallowing a pharmacy every night.  I hate meds.  I hate knowing I am just a few drugs off of losing it.  This week  I found myself beseeching  God to just take me.  So many look at death as a horror… but I guess I just love knowing that this will be what gets me to God asap.  How awesome would that be… there is so much pain. There is so much pressure.  There are so many yanking at me in all directions.  Sometimes it is all so exhausting.  It’s ridiculous how much life suck out and for what?  Bills.  Money.  Wants.  I mean why is it so hard?  I hate watching this I hate struggle.  I hate how money is such a necessity.  Sure, we can all pretend it isn’t but really, it is.

Today as I listened to the sermon… I was totally grabbed by God telling me He doesn’t waste anything, especially my pain.  Wow.  I love that.  I have shared some of the pains in my journey here … a father who was emotionally absent and yet emotionally and physically abusive.  A life of watching a mom be battered.  Living in a town and place where I always felt inferior to those around me.  Rejected.  Insecure.  Left wanting so much.  I mean there was a lot of pain.  We all experience growing pains.  Maybe that’s  what it was to some degree… growing pains and yet my God does not waste anything.  He has and continues to use my pain.  How humbling.  How amazing that I am who I am today because God didn’t waste my pain.  You know  how much I grew and continue to grow from pain?  It has made me empathic to others.  It has made me stronger than I every was.   It has  given me a voice for those that may not be able to even whisper.

My God does not waste anything, especially my pain.  It always comes down to trusting, doesn’t it?  Trust and Obey, as there’s no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.  Such simpleness … and yet so much truth.

I often look at my boys and shake me head wondering why they can’t just listen.  I mean how hard is it to listen?  I’ve been down this path… I do know some stuff… and yet in many paths, they have to walk and stumble to learn themselves.  When I think of the frustration I as a parent feel, I can only imagine God, looking at me, saying the SAME thing!!!  I love knowing that  God is using my pain.  He does not waste so I must relax, close my eye and let go… allow myself to follow because… He has me.  He will catch me.   He will always catch me.  The rest of the stuff… that causes me angst … my crazy pill, my mental health, my worries… God’s there to catch it all.  I have to TRUST and OBEY as there is really no other way.

Posted in choices, crazy pill, diabetes- type 2, faith, Family, General, God and I, love, moments, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment

The Talk….

So I’ve been putting off The Talk with my youngest.  I mean he knows way too much from life with 5 older brothers.  He hears so much nonsense .  He knows so much nonsense.  It has scared me,  you know, to have the talk.  He’s been pretty convincing that sex is a man peeing in a lady’s belly button… thanks to Tyler or Max.  He’s convinced me that this is his thought.  Well, I’m an idiot.

Over the break we had in DC, his cousin, also 10 years old and his mom, Josh and I were laying in bed… vegging out.   I’m not sure how the convo came up, but we realized that both boys had the talk… or knowledge of The Talk.  The cousin from his dad… so that was legit.  Josh… from a brother.  Anyhow… as we laid in bed, we did the whole “sex is special… and all that jazz…. and I was disturbed that one of the brothers was naughty.  I was also impressed and disturbed that Josh could play me so well.

Anyhow… Josh and I had the talk. Properly.

Today I was hanging with him… and he asked me, “Mom, what’s a virgin?”

I told him it was someone who had not had sex yet.

He so sweetly looked at me and asked, “Are you a virgin?”

I asked him if he remembered what sex was?

He nodded yes and told me that was how babies were made.

I said, “So am I a virgin?”

He nodded no.

Then Josh asked, “So you’ve had sex 6 times?”

I smiled and nodded.

Insert face laughing with tears streaming down my face.


Posted in Boys, choices, faith, Family, General, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships | Leave a comment


It’s cloudy.  It’s Thursday.  It’s been a busy week.  Our church is having their annual ball hockey camp.  The older three boys are all leaders.  I’m helping with the snacks which means up early and there for the morning.  Today it was rainy.  I did my thing and headed home.  There’s laundry.  There’s cleaning and tidying.  There’s so much that has my name on it, especially with school starting in a few weeks. Add to this … I’m feeling very low.  I hate that.  I hate feeling sad.  I hate feeling overwhelmed.  I hate feeling like I need to crawl in a cocoon and just sleep.  I realize that when I felt like this I’d shop.  It was therapy and it worked but obviously was not a healthy kind of therapy.  I’ve given up my shopaholic ways so now….. I obviously need to find another vice.  Why can’t the gym be that therapy?  SMH…

We’ve returned from a wonderful vacation in DC with family.  My brother and family was there too, so I got to catch up with each of them.  Then there are the cousins…. my boys are so in heaven when with them.  And this time… we reunited with some of my side  cousins and that was great.  It’s nice to build relations without parents forcing it.  It’s nice to reminisce and see that every one had such a different outlook on the same thing.  Wow.  It’s nice knowing that family is family.  We begin with family and end with family.


 My boys were so subdued on the ride back, sad to say goodbye and leave.  I love that.  I love that they really don’t care if we do the sights as long as they are together with the family.  Am I in withdrawal? Maybe.

I am preparing for Sammy to leave again.  He’s only been home a short time.  He’s heading to Ottawa to go to school at Algonquin College.  His girlfriend, Tarah is moving here (Ottawa) from California and arrives today!!!  So craaaaazzzzyyyy, this life!  By next week they will be in Ottawa on their own… grown up.

Before blinked, three of my boys have girlfriends.  When did the cooties go away???  I am grateful I like them— the girls and wish my boys all the best with lots of love and praying for very little heart ache.

I think that the emotions I feel are confusion and sadness.  Letting go.  Letting my boys make choices— some that are not ones we’d make but as they grow, we have to let them do their thing.  We set rules and guidelines.  We have our morals and standards.  We pray that this is theirs too and yet have to be prepared to let go… when they make their own choices.  Yikes.

Confusion because parenting is so different now.  I mean, my parents told me that I was going to Andrews University after high school.  I didn’t even think otherwise.  (I am pretty   sure aside from the degree they wanted me to “find” a hubby there…. mission accomplished)!!!  My point though was I never really thought of not listening!  Now my kids have thoughts and opinions that they actually express!  Wow!  I remember maybe being bold enough to mutter under my breath but usually my thoughts stay in!!!  I love that my kids are secure in our love to be expressive.  Most of the time.  I’m saying that … and yet sometimes just miss the obedience that came with fear!!!  I guess the bottom line is that I’m confused if I’m doing it right.  I am confused by the individuals that have taken over my world… 20 years ago… that I’m not the #1 girl…. that I’m weird or embarrassing  with out even trying most times.  I’m confused by that second when I have done it right… (I’m never aware of it….) or when I get a little piece of affection.  Yah… I’m confused.  I realized that maybe I shouldn’t care so much … but I do.

Sadness… letting go.  While Sammy is physically moving out, the others have moved on .  They have girls, friends and active social lives.  It is not rare that I am often with Josh.  Alone.  Wow.  How did that happen?  And sometimes the house is busting at the seams.  And yet, its really just about the food… when I am feeding a crew.  Don’t get this wrong… I love feeding all those that come through.  And yet, as quickly as they come, they leave, to the basement or out the door.  Sadness is just the reality that my little ones are big ones, with lives.  They are successful and social and all those things that I spent so much time, energy and love shaping they into.  Yet…. I never really prepared myself for the moment… you know… when being a successful parent eventually means they are independent beings with a life.  Sadness and pride… some how mingled together.

Wow.  There’s so much about parenting that What To Expect When Your Pregnant didn’t warn me about.

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Navigating The “Years…”


Today is HOT!!!  It makes me want to behave as the thought of hell fire just sounds HOT!!! lol  I know many love the heat after our winters but me … being hot constantly (thanks to the “change”) and then add humidity… it usually brings on a migraine.  So… those people that I saw, eating on the patio at East Side… my hat’s off to you!!!  I had a nice little lunch with my favorite man.  Yes, just the 2 of us.  Josh is off to the beach with a friend (thank you, Julie), Zach is at Camp (hope you are wearing sunscreen, my brown boy), Max is at a friend’s (thanks Dorothy), Jordan is likely home now after a night at a friend (thanks Metrows) which means he’s back home, Tyler is off working on his car and Sammy is in CA, probably getting ready to head home.  All that to say… I’m alone for a few hours!!!

I’m hiding at Sanj’s office, enjoying the A/C and the noise of other humans.  We have company for supper but obviously I’m not worried about it.  I’m enjoying these summer days with my boys.  Today it was just Josh and I laying around in bed as I tickled him, watched WWE and enjoyed having a child that still likes to snuggle with me.  Josh has the greatest belly laugh!!! As I was driving him to his friend’s, I surprised him with a loud screeching Minion jibberish!  He looked so startled and then laugh SO hard.  I love the laid back ness of being 10.  No moods are fluctuating and I know that his love is just there, period.

The hormones that seems to fluctuate like a women on menopause…. Oh wait… that was Sanj’s example for me to use!!!!  Idiot!!! lol Good thing my MENopause mood-o-meter is able to laugh at that.  Ok… I’m just talking about how to cope or survive the hormones of 5 raging teens.  I mean I was the loving mama who could hug or drown in my little boys  love.  Now… I may just look at them and that may result in a deathly roll of the eyes.  Or… I could be on the receiving end of a loving touch or even a hug. Gasp!   When I do get that love pat, my heart just feels overwhelmed.  I’ve learned now that I must control my reaction, other wise I ruin it… if I give in to my natural over exuberant self.

Tips I’ve learned… Note to Self…

* I know that this is a phase.  It was very hard as Sammy hit that phase and I can admit, I cried many a tear.  I screamed many a time and honestly never thought we would live through the “years.”  My oldest is 20 and now I am used to never being right.  I’m actually quite good at having conversations in my head.  I have read and been told that we are getting  closer to the end of these “years” but I still won’t believe it till I see my Sammy return to human again… and give me proof of leaving the “years” behind.  Now as we have FIVE going through the “years” I’ve gotten much better at accepting that I do not know anything.  Yah me!

* I am never right. Never.  I mean, I am old.  I don’t get today’s kid.  I am not cool.  Period.  Oh, wait, unless I am needed for something.

*Have a life. Sammy is one of our most social children, so as he came into the “years,” he was gone, a lot.  I have to admit I missed him.  Tyler is not a very social child… oh wait, until the Girlfriend entered.  Now he is never around.  Or never alone.  Good thing I adore her.  Jordan… another social being, yet seems annoyed by family encounter!   Max… 50/50 yet the only annoying thing is he usually doesn’t know he has something planned until 5 minutes before it happens.  Zach is another Sammy for sure and as he enters high school I know he will be scarce too.

So… in the last year or so, I have learned to have a life… that revolves around us!  Yah!  Sometimes the boys will complain… that we are having the same friends over again… and my answer is… “Ummm, you don’t have to be here.  You can do your own thing!”  And you know what, having a life is kinda fun!!!

*I’m so glad that my spouse is also my best friend.  We are in this together.  We are a team.  Our children must learn early on that we stick together.  I know Sanj will back me up.  I know Sanj will beat their butts (figuratively, of course… CAS).  And vise versa.  I love these few moments that we are already finding, when we are alone.  Wow!  Dinner for two.  No one fighting for a spot in our bed.  We can talk.  Alone.  No interruptions. Well unless Sanj disappears into his introvert hole in the basement (aka the studio) or watches a scary show, then I play on my phone… Scrabble… but still we CAN be alone!

*I have to understand we are in an in-between phase of us remembering the good old days… (you know, playing outside all day till the lights went on… parents not worried.  Roller skating, biking, playing with a cardboard box- lol… we didn’t have “things”… we weren’t plugged in all the time).  Our kids… this is their generation.  The plug in generation… you know, they panick when they don’t have a charger within 5 feet of their phone dying…. Sigh. They are going to be ok.  This is life as they know it.  And we-  having that power to “unplug,” makes us powerful.  We have to use that power with care.

*Life with a goat…  I say this to say that life with a teen is big portion of head butting.  Did you know I had a “pet goat?”  For real… we never had a dog.  Ever.  Yet we had three goats (my siblings and I), 10 chickens, rabbits, parakeets, cat, gerbils, fish… none of these creatures were asked for by us.  And yet, we couldn’t have a dog. SMH.

I am a reader.  I research and seek answers usually to find hope when I am feeling desperate.  Of course we know that these “years” are the time our teens are seeking independence, finding themselves and in order to do so, start to pull away from us, their parents.  We suddenly become extremely annoying.  Maybe I should just say I become extremely annoying.  And apparently weird.  And yet other times, I know they think I’m funny though they probably hate to admit it.  I guess what I do so often when totally annoyed is try putting myself in their place.  Doing so, really do help.  At least sometimes.  Butting heads hurts.  Me.  I’m sure it hurts them too.

*Pick my battles.  Yup!  I remember Tyler and Jordan, maybe grade 6 or 7, both wanting to dye their hair.  It’s hair.  It’s dye.  It’s will wash off.  They may ask to do stupid things… like Max’s most recent foolishness of a reverse Mohawk.  Sanj was so appalled.  And yet… it’s summer, we have no wedding or events.  Max will have to deal with the repercussions of ugly hair.  Fine.  And you know what?  He seemed to truly enjoy this foolishness.  Now I wish I could say that we did not have to deal with issues such as drinking and weed but we have.  And these issues … there is no wiggle room.  Period.  It’s not acceptable in our house.  Period.  Sadly, we have had to say that certain friends are not welcome due to their habits.  I hate that.  Yet as the boys are forming their own moral code… they must respect ours.  We have to pick our battles.


Room to just be… This is a long weekend coming.  Wahoo.  As we go through the “years,”  I think we are pretty good at giving our boys room to do their thing.  This weekend we have plans … short things like overnight in TO and taking in a Blue Jays game.  This will require us to rent a vehicle… as we are in between at the moment.

I asked Tyler and Jordan if they wanted to go with us (booking a hotel usually requires 2 rooms for us…) and also wanting to give them freedom to do their own thing with their buds.  Jordan asks me what vehicle we are getting…. saying if it’s something cool, he’ll come.  lol Tyler looks at him and snickers, “Because you are so special, you’ll grace us with your presense if there is a cool car?”  Haha… with so many siblings, many a time and siblings take over and put the other in their place. lol  I’ve learned to let them have room to just be.

Ok… so this is a long post with stuff that I’ve slowly been learning as we navigate through the “years” together.  I adore my boys and am so grateful that I always have constant help from up above!!! Thank you, God, for your constant guidance, forgiveness and love.

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What’s In My Pants… Game

I can never stop saying it enough… life with boys is like being surprised with a huge cake and just as you get ready to cut into it… out pops a gorilla!  I never know what is happening with my boys even if they are right in front of me at times… it’s just a scary fact.

The fact is we all love attention.  When one of the boys does something, even if the intention wasn’t meant to be funny, you know how it goes, right?  They just ramp it up as if that was the intent.  The grosser, more shocking, the better!

Now this apparently happened a while ago… it scares me… knowing there is so much I DON’T KNOW ABOUT!!!


So yesterday we drove up to the Muskokas…. just a little piece of heaven here on earth… where the rich really do live in another planet.  Camp Frenda is there, a camp that Sanj worked at for years and is near to his heart.  He was so pleased that Zach, the only one of the boys, chose to go.  So we drove up, the  2.5 hours, dealing with the usual bickering that goes along with car rides… and we only had half the kids.  Sanj- who is not one that handles that craziness  too well as he needs, craves and needs calm and quiet especially after a week of work and stresses… did ok.  lol


We reached… checked Zach in, wandered, caught up with cousins etc and headed back on the road.  We were down to TWO Kids now.  It was Max and Josh- who usually get along really well.  This trip back they were both crazy.  I’m going to blame the very expensive ice cream we stopped for… but they were in rare form!!!


During this time, in between their crazy banter, I hear Josh giggling saying something about the “What’s In Your Pants” game… my mama brakes screeched and I said… “What’s that?”

Oh Jesus…. You have so much faith in giving me six crazy, weird, hilarious, scary boys!!!

So… Josh went to Max and Jordan and said, “Let’s play a game called “What’s In My Pants…”  Josh says his brothers said, “Sure…” but I highly doubt that was the response…more along that lines of … “Josh, YOU ARE WEIRD!!”

Any how I guess the object of the game was to guess what Josh had in his pants, besides the obvious!!! lololo


I’m guessing Jordan and Max didn’t get any answers right… so first comes out teddy bear… probably the only teddy in the house that was used on that  Teddy Bear picnic in grade one with Mrs. Wiley.  A TEDDY BEAR… not small in size, let me tell you, with a DOLLAR Bill taped to it!!!!!  (Bet you are going to WASH your HANDS after touching money!!!)

As Josh pulled out the bear with money… his brothers shrieked— “Ewwww!!! You put money IN YOUR PANTS???”  lolol

Then Josh continues…. “What’s in my pants…. what’s in my pants?”

Giving up guessing…. Josh reaches in his pants… and out he pulls Jordan’s cell phone!!!!

Now I would  given anything to  see the expression of Jordan’s face!!!!

Now I’m sure this was followed by shrieking and a full on chase and no doubt wrestling and laughing… but I am sure that initial response to Josh’s finale was just priceless.  The boys consider their phones pretty sacred!

(This story was being told in the back seat yeesterday with full on belly laughing!!!  I should have videoed but I was dying myself and Sanj’s expression was priceless!!!!!)

I am sorry if this offends anyone.  Sometimes I just have to post this kind of foolishness to share and remember so one day the boys will remember how life was with 6 sons for their mama!!!!

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My Redeemer Lives…

It’s technically tomorrow… but this Friday was the last day of Serve Peterborough, 2015— and while my role was to babysit a friend’s little one so she could fulfill her role this week as part of Serve… we stayed for the whole worship tonight.  I love worshipping with Youth because when they are free to worship— they do it so right.

Today, perhaps 7 years ago, I received a phone call about my dad being on his death bed in Tennessee and what a life changing event that was.  I found myself needing to ball my eyes out as I felt God’s presence fill the room we were all worshipping in.  I need Jesus to come NOW.  There is so much pain and despair and it seems overwhelming.  Maybe it is just me… but as I struggle — after 4 decades — to come to terms with a very broken earthly father… I feel the need for my heavenly father to just come.  I feel the love of the youth tonight for their Saviour and hope that they are able to carry it forward after the week they had… when life is back to the norm as they know it.  I, even as a grown adult, hate that last day of Serve, or a Youth Rally or  the end of camp.  There is something so real when all we  are focused on is Worship and Praising and Feeling God.

Today was so hard.  I yearned that God would have swooped down and grabbed us all … taking us Home with Him.  As I drove home, after midnight, the sky looked funny.  I had this thought pass… how cool it would be if TONIGHT was the night!!!second-coming-clouds-1

This is probably just babbling … since it is very late but I had to just write… My Redeemer Lives… I just can’t wait for Him to swoop us up.  I can’t wait for all the pain and hurt and brokenness to end.  I can’t wait to be reunited with ones gone too quickly … to hang with those that are so broken here and yet in Heaven will be all brand new.

I can’t wait.  Just saying….

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Taking Care Of My Yard….

It been a hard past year for me.  No secret.  I have finally been seeing a psychologist who was referred to me by a friend and I have to say that God had a hand in this!!!  She is good. She’s a Christian.  She makes me feel like I am going to tackle this BIG THING and going to come out the other side able to be me again.  Me without the BIG THING  weighing me down.

I have learned that I am emotionally too generous.  Wow.  When it was said, I felt like someone just painted a portrait of me, perfectly.  I learned that everyone has their own yard and weeds… I’m a very visual person, so this analogy is perfect for me.  I have been so busy allowing others weeds to grow into my yard.  I have set no barriers such as fence or hedges etc to protect my yard.  The reality is that my yard is a pretty big yard.  (My yard has has to accommodate my family of 6 boys and my hubby).


Sigh.  I’ve realized that there’s so much I do because I don’t want to hurt anyone.  Duty.  Obligation.  Guilt.  Oye.  I’ve got to learn to listen to my heart.  I have to learn to give myself permission to listen to me- and set boundaries.  Boundaries.  Yup!  So I feel like I’m going to school, learning how to set limits and boundaries that can only make me happier and emotionally healthier.

There are so many weeds in my garden.  They are stifling my yard and not allowing my grass to grow thick, healthy greens.  The problem is setting boundaries.  It’s one thing to hear problems of others but feeling the need to fix it or feeling their burden to heavily is not healthy.  Sigh.


I realized that sometimes weeds look to beautiful that I forget that they are weeds suffocating things of beauty that I am missing out in.

I am constantly wishing for a huge lotto win, not just to make my life easier but so many others.  This life is so hard.  This life can be so exhausting.  And yet there is so much beauty that can be missed out with all the weeds filtering in … that I missing seeing the beautiful gardens in my yard.

Sometimes I see others tending to their yard… there are not of weeds, there are just beautiful trees, bushes, gorgeous flower beds and lush green grass.  Sometimes there are pools or benches or a treehouse.  Sometimes there are a few that adjoining yards but each yard is still very distinct and weed free especially at the borders of each property.  How do people do that?  How do they keep their yards so weed free?images-2

So, I’m on a journey to begin landscaping my yard.  I hate yard work. That’s not an analogy… the reality is yard work is something I’m allergic too.  Sanj tackles it or I’d hire someone.  The irony is that now I’m seeing someone to help me weed my garden and set up nice boundaries.  The reality  of the comparison isn’t lost on me.  SMH.

I want to learn to be me… but emotionally healthy.    I want to invite friends for ice tea, well in reality, I’d prefer lemonade,  in my yard without having to pull out weeds after a visit.  I am quite eager to learn how.


Can you relate to any of this?  Or do you keep your yard nice and neat?

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Mother’s Day- 2015

This Mother’s Day has been a little different from the rest… maybe because my first child has fled the coop.  I feel his absence in a way I never thought was possible.  As long as I could remember, I couldn’t wait to be a mama.  I remember after Sanj and I got married, thinking how annoying it would be to have to wait some 2 ish years or more that most seem to wait.  I wanted a baby now!!!  Then it seemed like great minds think alike… we decided to go ahead and try and bam… we were pregnant.   I was so thrilled.  I remember how I couldn’t wait to be big enough to wear maternity clothes- and they were ugly…  not the cute stuff of today.  I loved being pregnant.  I never felt more beautiful than I did when I was pregnant.

Today Mother’s Day Weekend… I can’t celebrate me and motherhood without celebrating the beings that allow me this honour….


Samuel Peter- My little being who taught me to love like I never knew possible… I mean  he consumed my world.  I loved to just stare at him… forever and loved that he stared back, understanding that my world revolved around his little 6 and some pound being.  Sammy had and continues to have such a huge personality.  He is confident, engaging and a real people person.  He has a big heart and loves big.  He has a real gift with kids and I can easily see him being a dad of 6ix  girls!!!! loll  Sammy taught me to love that unconditional love that Jesus loves us, His children.  He has taught me  that love is letting go, love is letting him fly knowing, hoping and believing that my love for him is a boomerang — I’m letting him soar— knowing that he will always know home and mama are here open armed ready for him.


Matthew Tyler-  From a little babe, we called Tyler, our gentle giant. He was such a mama’s boy.  He was a very nervous child that loved his family and not much more.  He loved nature and was a lover of elephants and triceratops.  He was of an obsessive nature and taught me patience x 10000000.  He didn’t even understand himself.  He is a defender of his brothers.  I remember taking the boys to a community play group.  A boy kept taking toys my boys were playing.  His mom was not playing attention.  After the third time of “being polite”  Tyler stood up tall — his little 3-4 year old self and said to the boy, “My BROTHER is playing with that truck!”  Oh my goodness… I remember my mama heart puffing out so proud!!!  Despite of his anxiety of others, he stood up and defended his brothers.  Tyler has taught me to find patience that I never knew I had to deal with things that are unknown and foreign.  He was a very specific child and very picky.  He taught me to love unconditionally regardless of how crazy things got.  He taught me that my mothering was effective.  He is a defender of his family.  He is a defender of his mama.  We are so different.  And yet we have the same heart.  


Jordan Michael- Michael is a crazy name to spell… e before a or a before e… oye!  It’s the one that looks weird, Jordan told me.  Jordan is my boy that I think is the most like Sanj over me.  He is a musician, enjoys being in the “dungeon” like Sanj, alone, making music.  He was an easy going baby and a very stubborn toddler.  STUBBORN!  I wasn’t sure how to parent this little being that had more willpower than body mass!!!  I would eventually just put him in his room and tell him to have a time out till he could join the rest of us and be normal.  That was my first mistake! Normal?  My family— we just don’t do normal!!! lol  Jordan would eventually holler, “Mommy- I’m sorry,  can I come down?”  My mama conscious would freak out!!! I totally forgot he was up there, it had been a long time!!!  SMH! This boy has a confidence I am so proud of… because there’s not that ugly arrogance attached.  The boy has some serious talent…. all passed down from his dad.  He  has always been an independent one… but occasionally just needs his mama.  I remember JK… Jordan was so excited about going to his big brothers school and had no anxiety or tears the other two may have had.  I was so proud!  The first day of school ended and all the parents were congregated in the hall, chatting away.  Then we heard this horrid sound— a broken hearted child wailing.  I remember so clearly laughing to the parent beside me saying, “Someone’s not happy!”  Then seconds later, I see his teacher coming to me telling me that Jordan’s having a hard time leaving his indoor shoes at school.  Oh My! lol  My poor child totally melted down, on the mat by the door, holding his beloved Spiderman shoes he had been so excited to buy!  So precious!  With the older two in school, I forgot that I needed to break it down for this little man too.  Needless to say, Spiderman shoes came home and we were about to prep my little JK man about the indoor shoes staying at school.  Yup… sometimes he needs his mama!  Jordan has taught to see, be quiet and listen with my heart, since he is the child so different from me… and yet we speak the same language of our hearts.  His has a big heart.  He is a lover and a giver   and if I listen and watch I hear things I may have missed.

Maxwell David–  This boy has been a sweet child for 14 years.  Max has always been a quiet child that didn’t cause us grief, was always  defender of his mom and my shadow.  Then he entered high school.   Not sure where my sweet little man went but taking his place is a confident, funny, corky, weird boy to man who seems to have hair growing on his face and elsewhere.  My little boy has gone and in his place is the half man that is onto workout and decorating his room with Value Village cast offs and who has a very off sense of humour.  He is very comfortable with his own company.  He has to be careful that his weird humour is not offensive.  He has many talents though music and art are not  he’s God given gifts… but we love that he puts his heart into it!   He is kind, thoughtful and Josh best buddy as he will humour Josh like no one else came.  Though 14, if I am lucky, I get a hug or fist bump from him still, time to time.  Max has taught me to let it go and laugh.  He decorating style (a whole post will be coming on this )… nope… certainly not anywhere near my taste… or that of most sane people… but it makes him happy and so I need to accept it with a laugh and let it go.  It’s Max that is sleeping with a 10 pound bag of basmati rice hanging precariously  over his head… a concussion waiting to happen… but with that concussion will be a hilarious, tears rolling down our face story!!! SMH!!! Love this boy’s humour, as warped as it it!!!! 


Zachary Thomas– This child of mine who is sitting on that fine line between boy and teen is my most independent of child, even from a babe.  He is full of energy and loves all things physical and moving— especially yearning for a dirt bike.  He is the one that uses our land most – driving the utility vehicle like a trained pro- he will pass though for his license with flying colours!  He is my boy that is also social and loves being with people.  He is my child with very expensive taste, it often startles me!  lol  He loves shopping!  He loves his family.  He loves….  He is the one that gets picked on the most… And yet he will do anything for his brothers.  He is a hardworking boy.  He loves working along side of Sanj… putting up the rink, cleaning the garage, taking dump runs… He is a daddy’s boy.  He is a mama’s boy who hates seeing me upset.  Zachary has taught me about forgiveness… about family  and loving hard.  He loves his brothers so much.  It hurts me to see how hard he is able to love.  Loving hard is a such a beautiful character trait… one that Zach reminds me to emulate.


Joshua Daniel–  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. Do you know my Josh?  I mean really know him?  There aren’t too many that really know my dear Josh.  I am actually stumped on what to say.  lol  This boy — this big boy is a mama’s boy.  He loves me.  Period.  He can’t stand to think that I am mad at him.  It hurts to the core to consider that his mama may be truly ticked off at him or his antics.   He loves to be by my side… if you look up Reema’s Shadow, you’ll likely see my Josh’s picture right there.  He is a home body.  He hates school.  He’d rather hang out at home- period.  He loves WWE.  Maybe a better term is obsessed with it.  He knows all the characters and lingoes and whatever else is part of that world.  I can’t believe that I actually have spent many a time watching WWE with my boy.  He is a true giant of a boy and has had to learn to be gentle with people.  I have learned so much from my youngest.  I have learned to love till it hurts from Josh.  I have learned to love despite being exhausted.  I have learned that there is still something in you to give, even when you think there isn’t.  I have learned to love … more than i thought possible … from this boy… my youngest boy.


Dear Jesus…

You have blessed me beyond.  I am totally dependent on You,  as I journey through motherhood, hoping for the best for my babies, knowing that  YOU love them more than I  am ever capable of.  I love you so much for this life … as I know.  I am grateful that You believe in me.  It is my only hope… lol most days… and a daily reminder that I must look UP or I will never make it.  Thank you for motherhood.  My boys.  My Sanj.  And Jesus… for You!!!

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Mother’s Day…

It’s Mother’s Day Weekend… see what I did there, Sanj?  I took a Day and made a Weekend out of it! 🙂  I am so proud, exhausted and grateful to be mama to six beautiful, energetic, crazy boys.  It is a weekend that I am celebrated but couldn’t do so with out them and…. my husband.  So, on this weekend about mothers, I am grateful that God saw fit to pair me up with my polar opposite to make babies that are bits of him and bits of me.

It’s been such a journey – the past 20 years. Baby making, diaper changing, bottle feeding, diaper changing, chicken pox, seizures, ear infections,boogers, lost child, found child, figuring out beliefs that our ours, setting up boundaries, protecting, hurting, potty training, play dough, play groups, music classes, gymnastics, swimming, JK, SK, babysitters, date nights, trust, toys, broken toys, bills, groceries, homes, mortgages, cars to huge van, graduations, teenagers, drivers license, girls, girlfriends, college, university… and we continue … and I am so blessed to be along side this journey with my best friend and occasional pain in my rump…

Thank you, Jesus for the father of my boys.  Thank you for his character that is one I pray my boys inherit.  Thank you for his heart.  It’s huge.  Thank you that this man that you have blessed with SO MANY talents uses them to glorify You.  Thank you for his work ethic – that he works so hard to provide us for all we need.  Thank you for his committed, stick to it personality.  Thank you that he is mine.

I celebrate Mother’s Day because of this amazing man.


I love you.

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