We Don’t Forget… A letter to my rapist

IT HAS BEEN…

-It has been 9,635 days since you raped me.
-It has been 9, 635 days since you violently took my virginity from me.  
-It has been 9,635 of my dealing with the repercussions of your evil act.
-It has been 9,635 days of understanding how such a betrayal could occur.
-It has been 9,635 days of wondering how a “man,” a father, a husband ( at the time), a supposed “man of God” could violate another human in such a way?
-It has been 9,635 days of wondering how someone could profess to care about the pains and hurts of one and then use that information to his advantage?
-It has been 9, 635 days of my questioning what did I do? Was this my fault?
-It has been 9,635 days of trying to understand what kind of father would violently rape a young woman (period) and then do so with his child in the bathtub next door?
-It has been 9,635 days of wondering if you know you are a sick person?
-It has been 9,635 days of wondering if you realize you are a narcissist?
-It has been 9, 635 days of wondering how the leadership of church I was part of and loved could turn its back on me?
-It has been 9,635 days of wondering if your wife knows the truth?
-It has been 9,635 days of wondering if your child/ren have any idea of the vileness of their father?

-It has been 9,635 days of feeling sorry for the 1000s of people you have reached, knowing you are betraying them too.
-It has been 9635 days of feeling sorry for the leadership and friends who did not hold you accountable and yet knowing they will face God, at the ultimate judgment.
-It’s been 9,635 days of me struggling, sometimes just surviving as my body dealing with the repercussions of someone physically pinning me down and forcing his being into my most sacred of places.
-It has been 9,635 days of constantly looking over my shoulder.
-It has be 9,635 days of fearfully being anywhere alone with a male.  Riding an elevator, going to my car in a garage, putting out the garbage in the dark are things that haunt me constantly.
-It has be 9,635 days of fighting PTSD, panic attacks that take over, or just uncurling from the safety of the fetal position, all exhausting.

-It has been 9,635 days of screaming out at the memory of ultimate betray.  I trusted you. You made me trust you.
-It has been 9,635 days of wondering who else, how many others?
-It has been 9,635 days of waiting and hoping that time heals all wounds.  Yet realizing some wounds leave a huge, ugly scar that will be felt everyday.
-It has been 9,635 days my view of this world changed forever.  I believed that most people had good in them. And yet, you proved me wrong.
-It has been 9,635 since my colourful world became black and white.
-It has been 9,635 days.
Tomorrow it will be 9,636 days.

This entry was posted in #metoo, choices, crazy pill, faith, Family, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.