I have had a couple of crazy moments in the last couple of weeks where God has been showing me His presence. The truth be told, sometimes I think He’s been waving me down to grab my attention. I had to go to the hospital to do an errand. Our hospital in town, I never really will understand the design of it. It is a crazy maze that requires a map to find your way around. The main floor, for example, is the 4th. Why? The 2nd floor is the basement. (Well, at least I think it is, I don’t think there is a 1st floor). This is irrelevant but the point is that I had to make my way to a department on the 2nd floor. This floor is not very populated and I actually always find it kind of creepy being there never knowing who is going to come around the corner or how I will find my way as I am usually lost looking for the elevator that takes me to the 4th floor.
This really all too say that the basement creeps me out. I suppose I feel very vulnerable when I am alone. I went and completed my errand. I went to find the elevators that would take me back to the main floor. I stood at the elevator only to see that one was out of service. The other one was being entered by a cop, who was pushing a wheelchair with a man that was handcuffed. The elevator was kind of full and since I was not sure if this was the right spot, I hesitated long enough that the door shut. I turned around and there stood a man that looked like his face had been shot. I suppose this was my irrational fear that took over my mind. I figured that the guy the police had handcuffed and this man with his face missing had an altercation. That was my initial thought. I only looked at this man for half a second and was so shaken that I headed in another direction that I thought had another set of elevators. I was shaking and freaked out that I was alone in this hall with this man. (if you have followed my blog, you likely know that I suffer from PTSD and this is a trigger). I tried calling Sanj so that he would “be with me” but of course he chose that moment to be unavailable and be with a patient. I was all alone. Of course I was praying that God would keep me safe from anything bad.
I found myself back to the same spot, alone. I entered the elevator and felt so relieved that I had escaped the bad guys. I saw my man with the face that looked like he had been shot outside.
My heart felt something. I will admit there was some fear and yet I felt such sadness for this man. I named him Bob. He is a patient. Friends who have someone in palliative care said my “Bob” is there too. He likely has face cancer. He’s dying. He had no mouth or nose from what I could see in my 2 second glance. The space where the cancer, I’m assuming, has eaten away is a huge crater that is sadly hideous, it is something no one should have to live with.
My heart just ached and actually continues to ache for “Bob.” I found myself praying for him since I saw him. I found myself wishing so BADLY I had said hi to him or that I could have smiled at him. I hated that I assumed the worst and thought of him as a bad guy. I cannot stop thinking of him. I keep praying for him. As I googled face cancer, if that is what is killing him, I did not see one case that was as horrible as his. I wondered when someone had hugged him last or smiled at him? Did he think a smile was someone mocking him?
I watched my mom die, grateful that she died knowing she was loved. I watched a stranger die (my next post…) grateful to found out he was adored. I find death so ugly a thing and yet as I think of my Bob, who’s likely to pass soon, I wonder if he was loved. When was he hugged last? I really hope that my Bob dies feeling God’s love surrounding him.
I learned a valuable lesson. We never know someone’s story. We can never know the pain or hurt that one has lived through. We can only know that God loves each of us. (I won’t remind you that I am His Favourite). 🙂 I hope I never judge a book by its cover again. And… could you please say a prayer for my Bob,” that he feels peace and love surround him?