Remember I went off my crazy pill? (Or my happy pill, I guess it is how you look at it). I realized today I need it because of my crazy family. It is whenever they are involved in my life that I feel crazy or sad. Over the years I have chosen to remove family members from my life in order to feel safe and keep peace in my life.
My father and middle brother have acted in ways that make me feel unsafe and I have found a great source of peace knowing that especially where my children are concerned, I have made the best decision. They no longer get hurt physically or emotionally.
This weekend my middle brother is having his baby dedication. My youngest brother is doing the service. My mom and dad will be there. I am here. Yet… I am still there. My mom asked me to buy food to cook for this thing. Fine. I never really say no to my mom. I have issues with this but … it is my mom. She calls me to thank me. This annoys me. Why… I am not sure. Maybe it is because of the tone she thanks me with… Always too grateful for me “taking care of things.”
Then she says that my in-laws were all there. This just makes my sick and quite frankly makes me so disgusted at people’s inability to set boundaries. They are all aware of the issues as to why my brother is not part of my life. I am their family. Yet, despite Sanj asking them to not get involved, there they were.
Is there no loyalty? Is there ever reasons to stand up for ones beliefs? Apparently not. Every one is wishy washy. Every one is a Christian. Every one is a judge… and the jury.
Whatever. I am so glad to have my own family away from my crazy family. Quite frankly, they are all crazy.
I am feeling the absence of my husband. He is out the on the golf course as I type. He gets back tomorrow early morning. How I am so grateful to have him …. my love, strength and stability… day in and day out. He makes me feel normal. He understands and gets loyalty. He turns his back at those that hurt me and does not wavier on his love or commitment to me.
It’s funny. I feel let down by my family. Yet… they will not get it. I am the one that makes the choice to set the boundaries.
God, are You there? I am so tired of feeling let down, hurt and defending my actions. I am so tired of fake people… of those that stick their long pointy noses up in the air… in the name of You. I am sick of the superiority of which they carry themselves… I am feeling sad that I can’t escape … please give me peace, to not care. Please let me always be true to myself and You.