Peace and Understanding

Britt Merrick... God doesn’t promise us understanding. He promises us peace beyond understanding. Trust more, question less.”  I saw this on his tweet… I have been following him on and off for a while.  he is a pastor in California… (Goggle him to check out his info).  His daughter has cancer… had it, was in remission and its back again.

God doesn’t promise us understanding…  He promised PEACE BEYOND UNDERSTANDING!  I love this.  This is where I am with my family.  I suppose for  years, I waited and wanted that family that everyone else seemed to have.  Then I had my own family… and for lack of a better word, was distracted by raising a family.  In that time, I was trying to figure it all out.  Did my dad love me?  If so, how could he hurt us so badly?  What about my mom… why did she stay with him?  Why didn’t she leave him in order to protect us?  How do you become normal?  Is it possible?  Is this craziness genetic?  How will I be as a parent?  Why did God allow my dad to awake from the dead?  WHY?   What was the point?  Why am I only having my questions rather than finding answers?   I could continue… but you get the point.  The questions never stopped.  I wanted… needed understanding.  There is nothing more frustrating than looking, seeking and not finding.

As I read this quote… it hit me.  More than likely, there is not going to be understanding.  I guess until tonight, I wasn’t sure that I could just be with out seeking the answers, without knowing answers.  This weekend, as I spent those 24 hours with my dad in my house, I had a sense of peace.  I didn’t even know that was what I was feeling.  Not peace as in all is well and perfect … but rather I believe I was feeling the peace despite the not understanding.  Peace that passeth all understanding.  

My dad sat in pretty much the same spot the 24 hours… in silence, unless we spoke to him.  I didn’t know what to make of this.  I suppose a part of my felt like this was my brother’s problem since he brought him here… yet the part of me that entertains wanted to make sure he was comfortable.

He just sat there… watched it all.  What was he thinking?  I don’t know.  Yet, there was always a part of me that wanted my dad to know that I am a success…  as a mom (that is a funny one, isn’t it… but it is relative, I suppose).   I am a good wife.  I am a good citizen.  I did wish I could tell him I was a writer, a photographer and yet I was not comfortable telling him that he has given me so much content to write about.  I wanted him to know that my boys are great.  They are so loveable and delightful and how much he has missed out on due to his own selfishness and actions.

I can’t deny that these thoughts went through my mind.  Daddy… I am someone you would be proud of if you KNEW me.  Daddy… You have missed out so much of me.  You have missed out.  You have lost so much.  Daddy….  DO you CARE?

Yet at some point… as I watched him sit there… just sit there… I realized that I am blessed in spite of him.  God has been so good to me.  He has showered me with so much that I really can’t spend time mourning a daddy I didn’t have.

There is no understanding.  My dad doesn’t understand himself.  This I am sure.  There is sickness that only God and heaven can cure.  It is all beyond me.  I won’t have the answers.  I don’t think that my dad will ever know that by his inability to be my dad in every sense of the word, he has left a hole in me.  It will always be there.

Yet… I do believe that peace that passed the understanding was filling me this weekend.  It was not a instant fill… but I believe a slow one… that God is filling my soul with peace that is beyond understanding.

I love that.  Again, my God… is looking out for me.  He is filling that hole… over the years He has been filling it… I was just not paying attention… I was just looking at the hole.   Funny… isn’t it?  God is always steps ahead of me.  I am so glad.  I am so glad that He is in control.  I just wish that I could keep that faith in my head and heart all the time.   So glad that God is so patient.  I am such a child… when it comes to being His kid.

God doesn’t promise us understanding. He promises us peace beyond understanding. Trust more, question less.”   This is my next step… to Trust more and question less.

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