Fear vs Faith

I’m Home Alone!

(Photo unrelated to blog post).

OK… really it’s likely for a couple of hours, in which I am suppose to be cleaning.  Sanj has been gone an awful lot with his practicing for his performance tomorrow… so today I shooed the boys off to go fishing with him.

Summer time is a hard time for me.  It is full of contradictions… see I love summer time, the freedom it allows in our lives, hanging out with the boys and playing.  Yet… I suffer from a form of SAD this time of year.  I miss my friends… I miss the adult time I have during the day… catching up with the girls.

I find myself wanting both.

It’s a scorcher outside today.

Our air is down.

Yesterday, Max went all day without throwing up.

I was so excited!

I was sure that this was the miracle that I was/am praying for.

Sanj cautioned me to just wait and see.

This morning Max threw up his breakfast.

I am not devastated.

See, I see him holding down foods more than he was 2 months ago.

Here’s the thing about parenting… there is no room for fear.

Do you know what I mean by that?

I am not a strong person.  I am not one that handles blood, vomit, IVs, the on slaughter of big medical words that doctors spew out without breathing.  When I go into the hospital, I go into a mode.  It is a persona… my emotions shut down and I begin to function in that mom mode that has to deal with things.  There is no room for fear.  There is no room for panic.  There is only one mode… functional parent… because my kid is counting on me.

When Max had to go for his MRI… there are all the sheets of paper that you have to fill out.  When I asked if I could go with him… they gave me more paper to fill out.  One of the questions was about your eyes… “Did I ever have bits of metal in my eyes?”  I answered no.  But then I began to worry.  Did I?  What if I did and don’t remember?

Max was having trouble keeping still, apparently.  They told me to go and stand by his feet and hold them… to keep him still.  I won’t lie.  This freaked me out…  WAS THERE ANY METAL BITS IN MY EYES?

I survived the experience.  So did Max.  It really wasn’t that pleasant.

Here’s the thing… I am praying for a miracle.  A healing.  Do I want answers?  Sure.  But really, I want my kid to eat and not throw up.  I want life to be as it once was for him.

Last night as I was thanking God for a day of no throwing up… I found myself crying … fearing the unknown … all the questions that are ahead of us.  I found myself fearing the future.

(Sanj hates when I do this.)

I know that miracles happen.  I also know that sometimes things don’t turn out the way we want.

Last night as I lay there, I felt God holding me.  It made me cry harder.

Here’s what I realized…

If I don’t hang on to FAITH… all I have is FEAR.

It’s rather profound… don’t you think?

A few years ago, my faith was shattered.  That had never happened to me.  At the lowest of lows, in my life, I always had faith.  Then there was this thing… that happened and it shattered my faith.  I was so angry at God.  I thought I heard a promise… but apparently I didn’t get it right.  I was devastated.  That was when God had to carry me… that was when there really was only one set of footprints.  He held me.  He coaxed me into picking up the broken pieces and finding that little mustard seed of faith and hanging on to it.

It took time.  Slowly I chose to believe again.

I am back at a place where I have to chose to believe in my Faith…. in my God, that He is working it all out.

I am choosing to have Faith to Max’s healing.

I am choosing to have Faith in God holding me and giving us what we need through this time.

If I don’t hang on to FAITH… all I have is FEAR.

I know that this is little compared to many things others have to carry…

I am grateful for a child that is so good natured about it all… the throwing up, the IVs, the tests, the unknown.

As I hang on to my little seed of faith… I am grateful to have that… choice… and not be taken over by fear.

God is good.

All the Time.

*** Don’t forget the Summer Contest… Go Here… to read more.

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