I haven’t blogged about this yet because I really wanted and need to think about it. I have been praying for God to help me come to terms with all the questions in my heart. As I said before, my mom was here. I have been asking her questions about my dad, his early years, the earlier years of their marriage, just life in general with him.
He is my father and there is a natural desire or yearning for love and connection with him. I have felt that hole of not having a father/daughter relationship for most of my adult life. I have really struggled with the questions of “Was his mental illness the reason for his craziness?”‘ Or “Was he just evil?”
So much has happened. I will turn 40 years old this September… almost 40 years of questions, longing, disappointment and hurt. I am not sure I can just say “Yes, he is mentally ill,” and let it be. I don’t believe that to be the 100% truth. I have to state the truth that lies in the deepest corners of my heart. My father was a very mean man. A person that took pleasure inflicting pain, in causing fear in helpless beings that he was given to love. He is a narassit. I know that is a disorder in itself yet I do not think it is an excuse.
The things he has done over his life time and this is not the physical abuse but rather emotional and pschcological is unforgiveable. (Unless he asked for forgiveness). He would choose to do hurtful things and gain pleasure out of it. He would systematically break down the self esteem of the ones he was suppose to love in order to prop himself up higher.
These are things that I have chosen to make excuses about yet can not any more. I have to face the truth. My father can never love me the way I need to be loved. I will only continue to face disappointment if I continue to look for that love that is not available.
WoW. I realize that as much as I have been gripping about my crappy childhood, begrudging that lack of a fatherly relationship that I have missed the biggest blessing. I have missed the fact that I was saved. I could have inherited that trait of becoming a narristtist too!
My middle brother is so much like my father, it is scary. He is and has always been my father’s clone. Many of these things are simply bad choices. Yet regardless, he is going down a very similar path.
I need to be grateful for the life I have and the blessing that are there. Blessings, I am realizing are also hurts. Hurts that have made me the person I am today. Learning to go through pain, feel the hurt, work out the confusion, regardless of HOW MANY years that takes, makes you grow. Finding what to do with the growth is also moving on and part of healing.
Acknowledging that my father will never be what I yearn for is a huge step for me. I have always made excuses for him. I have even pushed him away, trying to forget him, to give him that space to hopefully miss me and want a relationship. It isn’t going to happen. I realize that God is looking out for him. He is fed, clothed and has a place to live. God has it covered and so I do not need to worry. This is something I can’t fix. I have to let go.
My father is a very mean man. He is a very selfish and self-centered man. He was given a second chance at life, literally last summer and has chosen to continue to be the person he is. He did not make anything of the chances he had to renew relationships with me or his grandchildren.
Maybe that is part of the sickness. Maybe that is just him. I am ready to let go. I am ready to be grateful that his contribution was having a part in my being. I am grateful for the qualities that he contributed to me as a person. I am grateful. But I am tired of hoping and wanting. I am ready to let go. I am ready to be grateful for that which is in my life… all the love, affection, and happiness. I am tired of wanting. I am grateful that I am not him. I am thankful for the powers I have been given to seek help when it is needed. To understand that I need to make changes in me also. That is part of growing and healing. That is part… a huge part of break a vicious cycle.
Soul Misery… it is the worst kind of misery. But thankfully you can chose to not dwell in it. You can chose to remove misery from your life. It is a process… I am still figuring it out. It is work. But I do believe it can be done. I want to be Soul- full.
A definition of a narcissist:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
*has a grandiose sense of self-importance
*is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
*believes that he or she is “special” and unique
*requires excessive admiration
*has a sense of entitlement
*is interpersonally exploitative
*is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
*shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes