Today is one of those days… I have so many random thoughts racing through my mind and for maybe just an hour, I’d like to shut it down. I’d like to stop the mumbo jumbo of so many random thoughts, each relevant in its own right.
Here at this moment, I am wondering…
* How do I teach my child(ren) to be self sufficient and yet give in to the mama’s heart when they say they are “Starving.”
*At what point do I stop worrying about family – or extended family when that worrying or effort is truly one sided… and yet I press forward because I want my boys to see that family is family— the good, the bad and the ugly. (Of course this is excluding any abuse occurring).
* I am always hearing about the Type A personality. I am married to one. I live with one everyday. I love one… most of the time. lolol Yet I am not one. I struggle with this. I mean should I be one? If I am not a Type A- I feel like I am being too laid back, or unmotivated or lazy. Yikes. Is there a balance? How do I achieve that ?
*My boys are growing too fast. I see my teenagers speeding through their high school years and love that they seem happy (at least with others), self confident (for the most part) and making memories that I hope they will laugh through later in life. I love the time I spend with them (especially when they are in a good mood). I love the sharing that occurs, even if they don’t share all, I appreciate that which IS shared. I know my kids shouldn’t see me as a friend (yet) but I can’t help but love our relationship that is there (most of the time).
*Someone I love and respect asked me why I thought Jesus hasn’t come yet? (This came up as yesterday was the day in Back to the Future date happened yesterday and I made the comment that back in the day, when we watched the movie, I never thought we’d see 2015!!! I never thought we’d live to see 2000!!! Thus the question was asked… do you wonder why Jesus hasn’t come… do you question if there really is God)? Ok, so maybe I am naive but no, not really. See, most of my life, I have HAD to believe in God. I had to have the hope and faith that there is Someone there for me… through the beatings as a kid, though life’s disappointments, though the moments when I just didn’t think I could do tomorrow (depression overtaking), I mean… almost every day since I had kids… I have had to believe that there is Someone who loves my boys more than me… who is looking out for them when i can’t see their foolishness… I mean believing in God*** it really does help me wake up. Everyday. It gives me hope. It gives me more do overs than I deserve. I have had to believe that there is a God when Sanj decided to love me!!! I mean that to me, after some 7 years was like winning the lotto! I mean, I had to believe in a God when I held each little baby in my arms that first moment. Or when I look at our family pictures… how can I not believe in a God?
*I was thinking of Christmas coming and how much I love being with the boys (even when they are fighting). I was thinking of Sanj and the gift I am going to give him… and of course the gift I hope he gives me!!! lolol I was thinking of just that time of year when every one seems extra nice…
*I went to PMH (the cancer hospital in TO) with FIL this week. I haven’t been able to shake off that sadness and despair I saw and felt while there… of all those super sick people clinging to the chance of life. I felt like I needed a shower after leave there. I am so grateful for those that choose on purpose to work those that are so sick. Thank you.
*Then along the same thought, I was thinking if I could volunteer at hospice. Could I handle it?
*And.. then all around me there are the fundraisers for cancer research. Will they find that cure? Or are they keeping the monies because they must make a stupid amount of money. And yet… it is not like me to be so pessimistic.
*Then there is a lady in my life… who is dying of cancer. She has been given 1-6 years to live. Yet she can’t stop working or she’s lose her house. And she has kids. And life is so hard for her all the time. Sanj is worried about me being pulled in to her world and yet I really am not sure I can turn away. She needs someone. Right?
*Those are a lot of depressing thoughts.
*I miss my brothers.
*I have so much I want to do… and yet right now feel that darkness (depression) threatening to pull me in. NOOOOO! And my thoughts… about my meds… how much I hate my med… and how much I need it.
I love Sanj.
I love my boys so much.
I love knowing that God is in control, even when I am feeling out of control.
It’s only 10 am … theses are just some of my thoughts.