It is Saturday evening and it has been that kinda day that you want to put a log in the fire place, stay in your pyjama and get lost in a good book. It is mid April and this weekend we are probably having the worst weather of the season. It has been freezing rain, little pellets of ice showering down. The streets are slick, with ice and snow. This is not the weather that I care to drive in. Around town I see pick up drivers that seem to enjoy swerving around town, causing me stress but Sanj assuring me they are playing. Idiots!
We did go into town for lunch with some of my favourite people (don’t worry, I have a lot of favourites). While in town we picked up a few things to make a super delicious dinner and Sanj bought me a little something so I could hear my music from my phone.
I spent most of the afternoon cooking my mom’s lamb curry. The men that were home devoured it. When it is a treat like lamb, they don’t eat to be full. They eat to eat till they cannot possibly eat any more and then… will return a bit later to eat again.
Church tomorrow is cancelled due to the weather. I am actually sad about that because my favourite praise team is up. I get such a blessing from the praise part of service and I am amazed that God is slowly healing my heart to actually pay attention to the sermons. (Did I write that)?
I am in a place right now that life is full of God sightings. I can’t even call them God sightings because I feel they are more than sighting. I feel like I am going to burst with the goodness of God in my life! Ok, let me clarify. We did not win the lotto so Sanj is still going to have to bust his cute bottom to feed all of us, much less all the other zillion and one things that require a pay check. I still have all sorts of the typical life stresses. I have worries about my kids. I have more worries about my kids. I worry about our extended families. I worry about… Ok you see, I am still at the place where I depend on God for all the “stuff” I have always needed Him to provided.
Yet here is the thing, have you ever “walked through the valley of the shadow of death?” I mean this takes on a new meaning. After going through a very rough dark crazy year as I have blogged about a few times, I felt like I was out of the darkness. I felt like I was going to find me again. And then my mom’s sickness took a turn and with the ugliness of an evil force, it dragged us through a path of such … I am not even sure I know a word at this moment to describe the world we were pulled into.
See, I thought that once my mental health found it’s way back to some semblance of normalness (for me) that life was going to be a smooth ride. I mean did I not deserve that? I was prepared to spend 2 maybe 3 weeks with my mom. She was declining and we thought as I went to be with her it would be a time that was doable for all of us. As week 3 passed and week 4 came and then week 5… I was lost in a place where I was all alone. The daytime was ok. It was busy. And when I was not physically doing, I was hanging with my mom, watching all her favourite shows. She loved the court shows… did you know there is a show called Paternity Court, 11:30 am every week day… and boy, it is a bit addicting. My mom and I would get so irritated if the worker or nurse came at that time! I mean was he the father of the child??? Ok, I got off track. As I was saying, the day times were fine. It was the night time, from 11pm to 6am that I was lost in this abyss, in darkness literally and figuratively. I have never been apart from my family that long. I have never been away from Sanj for more than a few days. I have never been a good sleeper when Sanj was away. I always had a kid come sleep with me, so his spot wasn’t empty. I have never been in a place where I lay there every night, wondering if my mom was going to die. I did not sleep. I would get up when she would be too quiet and go to her room and stand there with my phone, which provided some light and watch to see if her chest was moving. Sleep was a joke. It taunted me with a few winks here and then I would wake and realize that I had only slept a half an hour. I texted Sanj many times over the course of the night. I would call him and cry my eyes out tell him I could not do this another night. And then, in those moments when it was just me looking into the darkness, I would cry out to God. I would cry out to Him. I would cry out and beg Him to take this cup away from my mom. I would beg Him to please let her die in her sleep. Let this ugly disease that had her fighting for each breath release her. I was not asking God to not take her, because I think we accepted that but I was begging Him to take her gently.
I found myself asking God for something. I was not sure what but I felt like I was there for me too. I knew He was wanting me there for a reason, a reason beyond helping my mom. I have over the years had my temper tantrums with God. I see Him standing over me, shaking His head, maybe even smiling, saying, “Child, I have you. I have you in my arms and you will see.” God is so patient with me! As I have grown in my walk with my Father, I have not had the tantrums of those yesterdays. And yet, while I was at my mom’s, there was a time where I felt I was holding on to my faith by a thread.
God used Sanj to help me hang on to that thread. God used my army of warriors that were praying for me to keep hanging on to that thread. I am not proud that I let myself get that weak and yet I know that I grew from that moment. There were times I begged God to just end all this, well as each night passed and slept taunted me, I became more desperate.
I know that Job in the Bible had it rough! I mean really rough. I guess that is why God honoured his faith. I wondered if that was my Job moment, my lowest, hardest test? I realize that there is a lot that could be uglier. I really do. Yet after coming out of my sickness, I wasn’t sure how strong I was. I was constantly waiting for the panic attacks to come. I was constantly telling Sanj that I was so scared I was going to break. Again. I kept asking God to please help me.
It is actually 30 days that I have been home. It has been 30 days of thanking God for His grace. It has been 30 days of being grateful that my mom is at peace. It has been 30 days of missing her. It has been 30 days of having Sanj hold me and never ever wanting that to stop. It has been 30 days of …. well it has been 30 days of God making good on His promise that He has me!
I am inhaling deeply, something I have learned I need to do to stabilize myself when something feels too big, either good or bad. I feel like I am ready. I am ready to do it! I am so excited that God is leading me in exciting ways. And… here’s the thing, I am just so scared that His calling and His listening is so huge. I mean, I am realizing that I am His favourite! (Yes, I realize that you likely feel that way too… and that’s ok…I won’t break your bubble)!!! 🙂
Thursday I speak again. I am excited. I am ready. I am asking for God to use my pain for His glory. I love that He is and letting me FEEL HIM in such a strong way! I love that my thread, that one I was holding on to by that little piece of fibre that I could barely hold on, I realize that I was not holding on to that thread alone! God had His hands cupping my hands, hanging on to that thread with me! I was not alone. I hate that I still become so whiny! I am almost embarrassed but I love the image of God holding my hands in His, grasping that piece of thread, know that He would not let it go. He had me.
By the way, even though I am pretty sure I am His favourite, He is holding your hand too, if you are barely holding on.