Daddy

This is a picture of my dad. I can’t help but stare at this picture. I see my past when I look into his face. I see his smile, I see his expressions I knew so well… so long ago. Now I see him I feel sad. I feel sad that he has to live the last years alone. I feel sad for the ending of his life story.

He looks so much like his mother. Am I in that face? Do you see me?

I found a copy of a “book” I wrote 10 years ago. It is pretty much what I would write now. Except the ending.

Back then, I had so much anger and wanted to hurt someone. I needed to place blame for all the suffering. But really it is about different people making choices. It is about time and consequence. It is about hope and love. It is about God’s faithfulness.

I look at this picture of my dad and hope that in his soul there is goodness. I hope that if God sees goodness there, that my father will be found faithful to be in heaven, healed and whole. I hope that he will see me, run to me and hold me. I hope that I will see and feel that love oozing out for me. But by then, being in heaven, it won’t matter what the results end up being … it is a place of eternal happiness.

Not sure where this comes from except that seeing him triggers a feeling of wanting. Maybe that never will go away.
Maybe because he is a part of me. I can accept life as is… and I am grateful to be in a place of acceptance of what he can offer me. Yet the child in me still yearns.