Those years were not pleasant years for me. I was more in a survival mode.
I disappeared into my dream world a lot. Reading took me away too.
I went through high school wishing … I wished I was popular. I wished I had more friends. I wished I was invited to sleep-overs. I wished boys liked me. I wished that I had nicer clothes… (especially Hang Ten). I had a lot of wishes.
I have pictures on graduation with alot of the people in my class, smiling, looking like I did belong. Funny how pictures can lie.
I grew up. I found me. I eventually grew to like me. I learned that if I come out of my shell, there are great friends just waiting to be my friend.
My 20th high school reunion came. My two buddies (that eventually became very good friends after high school) and I decided we would go back.
Here is the craziest thing. I am so not what I was in high school. I am actually the opposite of me then. Yet as I entered that world again, I became me from that time.
I could feel myself withdrawing, and feeling scared and unwanted. Yet I couldn’t stop myself.
Grrr. I am so frustrated with myself. I was shy and awkward. And what was more frustrating was I couldn’t stop myself.
Why couldn’t I just go up to the teachers or former classmates and chat? What was wrong with me?
No one in my life today would believe the me from yesterday. Yet I am sure that my friends from yesterday really couldn’t believe the me today.
Frustrating. But maybe this just comes down to getting past the point of what others think. Obviously subconsciously I do.
Maybe there is a part of me that wants yesterday to know that really I was and would have been worth the effort. That deep inside me there the me that no one really knew.
Does it matter? Maybe, though I know it shouldn’t. Maybe putting it out on paper will get it out of me. I am tired of dreaming of the high school days. I am tired of beating myself up for becoming me again.
Really I am just not wanting to care about it.
Then again, I maybe do not regret the geek years because I can so relative to so many people that suffer through this even as adults. I hate seeing cliques. I hate people being left out. I hate exclusion.
So how do I end this? I have to accept that perhaps that geeky, gawky Reema is still in me. I have to get to loving and accepting her too.
Hum… this may require a bit of time.
Total acceptance of me.