The big problem was needing a man to fulfill my dream of a home. I did worry about finding that man to make my dreams come true. It was a big worry for me even as a little girl.
Because I didn’t see love and marriage modeled for me, I was skeptical of this happening.
How would it all come true? Love and marriage? Was it possible?
I think reading love stories tainted my view of love and marriage. What does it mean to be happily married?
Never fighting, lots of loving, romantic dinners and trips… then add a bunch of kids that NEVER fought and this was my vision of marriage.
I didn’t know better. I hate that books have Mr. McDreamy walk in and all is perfect and happily ever after.
I hate that love scenes are depicted as perfect orgasmic unions where stars and rockets are scene after the togetherness.
(Not that this is not the way it is with Sanj… he is my McDreamy with the bells and whistles every time)! lol
How is a young girl (or boy) suppose to know the reality of marriage?
I wish I knew that a happily ever after DOES include heated arguments, hating each other in small doses, wondering what planet each is from… yet it also means being able to forgive and be forgiven. It means compromise. It means understanding and accepting your McDreamy’s love language even though it may not be your language.
I think that most people see things in their parents marriage that they do not want to duplicate. That is normal and part of breaking cycles. It is how we find what is ours!
What has me writing is the fact that so many sell themselves for less. I would watch the Bachelor and wonder how these beautiful ladies could all sell themselves to fight over one guy? The desperation for the love of the “perfect guy” always saddened me.
Why do we need to settle for less? We don’t. And I think that we are a society need to instill in our children that they are special just as they are. They do not NEED someone to complete them. I think that we need to teach our children that one must be what they expect in a mate. One must work on improving ones character every day.
I know that people marry all the time without love in the picture. Arrange marriages work on this concept.. but it is different because they marry and then make the effort to date each other inside their marriage… they have a lot at stake to make it work too.
The older I get the more I understand that marriage is an agreement to love each other, keep charming and wooing each other in the marriage. It is an agreement to cherish and treat the love of your life the best you can each day. It is promising to be selfless… thinking of that person before your own needs. It is accepting, changing, compromising, forgiving, laughing, complimenting and living those vows each day. You don’t get to take a break from being married.
I think of accepting and appreciating change is a huge one. I am so different than the girl that Sanj married. I speak my thoughts more, challenge his more, and have found the person I am meant to be… and even still continue to change.
If Sanj did not accept my changes, it would have been rough. Not only does he accept my changes, but he is proud of them.
I love that about him. I love that he sees me as a unique, totally out of the box nut job.
The changes in him over the years are one that I have to accept too. Maybe I am not as accepting as he is but his changes have been hard on me. He has become determined to not let people walk on him as they have in the past. I hate the hardness that has crept into him. Yet, if it wasn’t for his wariness… we would be hurt a lot more.
So I have learned to accept the changes. His loving has never changed. I love that. I love that his love has deepened over the years. How lucky am I?
The years have been full of rough spots. There are always there… taunting and teasing. The key is to be able to focus on something together and move towards it. Aware of the toughness, yet still living, laughing and loving.
So as I think of my own sons, I hope that they view marriage as a promise of constantness of loving, dating, accepting and forgiving. I also hope they see it as an adventure as one never knows what will pop up, yet knowing together as promised they will see it though. I hope that they will understand that Happily Ever After is the possible ending with few twisted along the way.
And yet while Happily Ever After is what we all hope for, there is that time when one must walk away. What courage it takes to do that. How much hard it is to this with children? How much courage it must take to say “I am not going to let you hurt me again? I deserve better… I hope this for my sons too. Courage to do the right thing … even though it will always be the harder thing.