Hearting…

No, that isn’t a typo. It means my heart is hurting. I can’t believe that I am going to be sending Josh to school!
I love this picture… I wish it had turned out better… but it captures our relationship. Mutual admiration. Josh and I!

I realized today that this isn’t really about him and if HE is ready… but rather it is about me! (Yah… what’s new)!

Today as I was chatting with his teachers… I was telling them a bit about him and my concerns… and started feeling silly because I realized as it was coming out of my mouth… that it was silly.

He isn’t really good about him and his lack of taking care of his bathroom issues.
He hasn’t really been away from me… and if he has, his brothers or dad where there.
He is a very particular boy.
He is so the youngest. Spoiled… catered too.

How many times have they (his teachers) heard this?

I realized it is my issues. Wow. I can’t believe it. The last four years have gone by very slow for me. Having Josh was life changing. I had to really work through issues and release my heart’s desires to God. I had to really let go of control.

I had this little boy that adored me. He breathe me. He was attached to me to the point that it was suffocating. Yet the more I pushed him away… the more he clung.

Over the last years, we finally found our groove. He got comfortable with me and my love being there… even though he couldn’t alway see it. I think he finally felt it in his heart.

It took this last year for him to start to physically let go. The funny thing is that I missed him. I found myself seeking him out for a hug or kiss.

Now… as he gets ready to leave me for hours in a day, I find my heart skipping a beat. I can’t really imagine my days without his constant companionship. I find myself feeling sad that I am truly done having little ones. Ready… yes, very ready… but nevertheless… feeling a sadness that I didn’t really expect.

He has the greatest teachers in the world. He has the best school there is. He has most of his brothers a few doors down…
yet I feel scared. I never want him to feel alone. I never want him to lose that loveliness that makes him who he is.

OK… I will get over it. He will be great.

Today Josh asked me (as he often does…) “Are you happy that Jesus gave me to you?”

Over the last 4 years, there have been many variations to that answer! lol

Yet today… I just wanted to squeeze him till he felt all the love that is oozing out of me… How glad I am that Jesus gave Josh to me. He wasn’t a girl that I thought I needed… yet God blessed me with this child that loves so easily and forcefully. He loves so hard it hurts if you really process his love. He is such a gift. He is my never-ending gift of love.

As we get ready to start this new phase of life… I know we are both going to be fine. (Right)?

Josh… hang on tight…. it is going to be a great ride!!!