I feel so weird. My dad’s suppose to have surgery (can’t remember what kind) and so my mom went to help him out.
It is what it is. It is a cycle. Just before she left she said that she wished she didn’t say she was coming. But she went. It is what is familiar, I guess.
She called my brother saying my dad isn’t doing well. Of course we know this. He has been hanging on for a while now. I think it is God… waiting… giving him chances to fix things… or maybe he is just stubborn… my dad.
Have you ever loved someone or something… yet you know you have to let go? It is a process, the letting go, but eventually you figure how to release, that pain becomes a dull ache that you feel once in a while, you may see it/them and then your life goes on…
Have you? This is how I feel about my dad. Yes, I love him. Yes, I wish for so much more. Yes, I have to let go or else I’ll drowned in it…. the love and pain and hurt.
Maybe what I have spent the past so many years doing is mourning him. I feel weird inside.
I guess I don’t wish him dead… of course not. Yet, I know that only in death will he have peace. I wish him peace that passes all understanding.
Because my mom is there… there will be the ongoing pulling me/us into the drama.
Until it ends.
And then what? I don’t know. But I am feeling that dull ache. I am feeling tired. I am feeling that pull. I am feeling tired of always having to be strong to fight against getting pulled into that cycle.
Never do I want to be part of that cycle. Is that OK? Well it has to be. I don’t think I would survive going back to it again. It was too hard to get out the first, second and third time.