I have so much to write. I missed my laptop… I fingers missed expressing my thoughts as they flowed out of me. I went to the Women’s Retreat this weekend from our church. The place we were at was just beautiful.
I am such a people person… and so usually I love just being in the mix. I hate going to bed because I just don’t want to miss anything. Yet this time… I was craving time to just be. I needed solitude which kind of scared me a little. So not me.
But I rested… really rested. It was so beautiful outside yet as I sat enjoying the other ladies and the beautiful view, I found myself needing to just go in and rest. I rested. It was such a good rest. I slept a bit but when I was pounced upon by friends… I felt so good!
There is always pain and hurt at weekends like this. That was overwhelming at times and yet such a reality check to the gift of life, family and love that is in my life. It doesn’t take the pains away… but just put things into perspective.
There is a mom that lost her daughter 3 and a half years ago. I have had to keep a distance because I felt that pain do deep. Even as I type my hands go numb. She spoke… today… shared. Brave, so beautiful and yet amazing.
There were two other babes that died this weekend at another church family. A two year old… sick with fever and what not and then suddenly died. Another mom, pregnant in the last trimester… discovered the baby is died. This morning she was still in labour.
How do you comprehend that kind of loss? It haunts me. I needed to come home and hold all that I love with all my heart. We don’t know how long we have with those we love.
I spent time really finding things that I didn’t realize about myself. For example… how do I worship? Sanj worships through his music. I wish I had a voice to shout out my love for God.
But over the years, with enough friendly insults of the voice I lacked… I have always shied away from singing out. Yet that left me so unsure of how I worship.
I realized that I do not sing to others. I am singing to my God. I find worship through music too…even though I am not musical. I find God thorough song. It was so freeing! If I need to raise my hands in praise to God… then I am going to do it. It doesn’t matter that I wasn’t raised that way… I feel it then I need to do it.
I have found myself really questioning God over the last year. As my social circle grew outside my Christian comfort zone… so did the questions. I never really understood how someone could doubt or just not believe in God… I can’t imagine a day going by that I don’t connect with Him with my chats. I appreciate knowing that He is in control of ALL things. I appreciate knowing that there is SOMEONE there… there is purpose and hope beyond this life.
I found myself questioning a lot this year. Questioning is good. It made me move out of my comfort zone. I really had to seek answers for ME … only me. I believe in God. I believe in a heaven. I believe in Jesus! I am so glad that He is so patient with me.
And yes, maybe I believe in all these things because I need to believe. Maybe if my life was perfect… with a great childhood and parents I could count on… I wouldn’t need to count on my God or believe in My God… but I will never know that. Life for me was so full of imperfections that I am so grateful that my belief in God gave me strength… hope … help!
So i am seeking my worship with God. I am seeking the things that work for me.
I was in a workshop about Quiet Time with God… or something of that sort. I realized that I am really who I am … and God made me. I am hyper… I can’t help who I am. Be Still and Know that I am God. I have discovered that it doesn’t mean for me to be still physically. I really don’t think I can.
We were lead through steps … part of it being still with our eyes shut for 5 minutes. Only five minutes… I started to fall asleep. How sad is that? Does it mean I can’t be still and worship for 5 minutes… no … I think it means that I chat with God all day. While I am driving, showering, cooking… it is a constant thing. I chat with God through music… the words… and He chats with me.
I feel His nudges to do things or say things. I admit sometimes I am not sure if it is Him or just me talking to myself… but when I follow the prompting of my own conscious… I often know when it was God.
I have decided that I can’t compare to others who say they hear God’s voice or felt His touch… I wish I could really Hear Him… in His awesome God voice.. but I am at this place in my walk. I have to be OK with our way of communicating.
I have to feel good about MY relationship with God. It is, after all, mine. I am unique. He made me. I feel so good… I feel better.
I want so badly for those I love to see God for all He is. Yet I realize that I can’t force it. So… I can only be aware of my actions and ask God to make Himself real to those I love in His time.
I guess I learned and found a lot of me this weekend. I think maybe this is what Peace Be Still was suppose to be for me. I like it.
It was a great weekend. I found so much … so much I was missing.
I found my way to Peace…