I am not feeling well. Of course this is all my fault. Once my medication runs out, you’d think the natural cause of action would be to run to the pharmacy. But if you are me, you put it off. I still feel OK so I tell myself that I will do it tomorrow.
Of course tomorrow is never today. Then it happens. Well really this is the first time it is this bad. Last time when it was this bad it was called Postpardum Depression. But now it is called CraZy!
Yesterday we were going to church. Max had a hockey game so Sanj took the youngest three with him. I was to follow with the older three. You would think I had the easy end of the bargain.
Yet on the Sundays that we go to church… it is without fail the day that the Devil descends on me. He just grins, laughs and takes over my beings.
It begins with Tyler… age 14… saying “I have no pants.” How is it possible since the age of 4, every church going day he has no pants? For 10 years… it is a constant. He has issues with wearing anything accept jeans, teeshits and topped with a sweatshirt. Every time to go to church there are tears and drama. EVERY TIME!
So the devil comes out and I lose it. REALLY LOSE IT.
As I am looking around for his pants, I see on a ledge as I am going down to his room that there sits a pile of his laundry that he was too lazy to put away. There lay the missing pant.
It suddenly hits me that perhaps I am not crazy. But rather that I am being driven crazy by the seven people that I live with.
It goes down hill from there. I have totally lost it. I drop the boys off at church. I drive across the road to Mc Donald’s order crap and park in front of the grocery store.
I feel the pressure. I know if I give in to the pressure, it may never end. I am having a full on meltdown. I have bad to feeling alone. VERY ALONE. I am back to feel like a loser. I am back to feeling that I must be all to everyone one yet have no one to give me that. I am having a major pity party. I let the tears come. Finally. The dark thoughts are back.
It is funny because when I am at this point of falling… I know that I still have to pick myself back up. So I guess I teeter on the end. Sometimes I do wonder what it would feel like to actually just fall.
I get out of the car, to grab groceries, and realize I better get my meds refilled.
You may not understand this but when I am at this point, the thought, much less the act of refilling is overwhelming. Loblaws (where my prescription sits) is the other side of town. I just can’t seem to go there. Then it hits me that they can send it over to this grocery store.
Thank you God. Despite the fact that it actually took 50 minutes of drama to get that to happen, I left with the prescription in hand.
I was 30 minutes late picking up Max from hockey. We had friends coming over for lunch. A good thing, as I had to hold it together.
It was a long day. It was good. I took that first pill. I know that in a few days I will be back to normal. Yet it frustrates me that I am so fragile without it.
When I get to this point, I have a major pity party for myself. All the woes that I normally try to put aside come flooding out. I feel resentful of those that let me down. I feel so unable to just find that one positive thing.
But today is a little better. I am tackling laundry… which is scary in it self. But I am trying to focus on things that I love… food, Thanksgiving Dinner, a new book, sleeping tonight…
It is getting better… it is better than yesterday.
That is a good thing.