I have snuck away to my computer. There is so much I want to say. There is so much I need to say. Yet sometimes I am scared to say it here… not sure who will read it and who will be offended.
I wish I didn’t care. Most of the time I don’t. I am so grateful for the feedback I get from you. I have asked God to use me. He has used my blog so many times. For this, I am grateful and flattered.
Just today I got this note from a friend… I am assuming it is OK to post since there is no name attached.
“I just realized that I am embarrassed to write this on your blog…..thank you….I really needed a happy pill…I was putting it off….. hoping it would go away…. but it was me that was going away……hopefully three week and I will feel better! Thanks again.”
I so appreciate your notes and feedback.
Today I have been thinking of my dad. Today I was reminded of why he is not present in my life. He called my brother and was telling how he wished that I was going to the baby dedication of my brother’s (that I have chosen to kept at a distance at this time in my life).
He was talking about how I never answer the phone when he calls (not a truth) and how he is scared to call here. He twists things all the time. He then was saying how wishes I would forget things and just let it all go. He wants a family picture. That is the bottom line. Funny, it isn’t about me being there or about anything then that he wants a family picture.
I hate his manipulations. I hate that he is selfish. I hate that he doesn’t understand the hurt and damage he has caused in his life. I hate that there are moments that I miss him in my life that I can’t stand it.
The whole family picture… in my eyes, that is a privilege. You don’t get the right to have a family picture when you choice not to be family. You can’t have a picture to pretend and show off that family is important. For me, family is such a gift. You can’t take family, abuse them and then wish them there whenever you want.
It doesn’t work that way for me. My children and husband are the most precious things to me. If you have a relationship with them, it is a gift, not a right. When you hurt them, you lose that gift.
I am tired of all the things I have done in the name of family. What am I teaching my children if I allow people to hurt them or me? I am not teaching them to love themselves. I am not teaching them to value themselves and expect the best from people. If they are taught to value themselves, I pray and hope that they will never stand for anyone hurting them. Yes, even family.
I find this so hard. Boundaries. I love my family. I love my brothers. I love my parents. But finally, after a lifetime of searching… I have learned to love me. I know what I can handle. I know what sends me over the edge. I have to love me and listen to me. It is one of the hardest things to live by, yet if I want my children to learn that loving themselves is so important… then I have to live by my actions.
It was a lot of soul searching… but it keeps the soul misery away… when I dig deep.