Right now I feel paralyzed. I choose to stay at home to clean and get the laundry done… yet it is almost noon and I haven’t got much done. I really want to go out for lunch with a friend and just relax.
Last night I didn’t sleep the greatest. That is part of my problem. The boys stayed up for the World Junior Hockey game… Canada lost in overtime. It took they a bit to settle down and get to bed.
I have this fear that I am not loving my boys enough. It is a weird feeling I get. For example, Josh is in our bed more then he isn’t. I will move him to his bed and by midnight he is back. Yet the same goes for Zach. A lot of the time, I just allow them to fall asleep in our bed and then move them both. It is just easier to get them to sleep quicker.
But I know that Zach feels Josh’s overpowering personality invading his space. He needs to feel the love of being the younger one too. His brothers aren’t as tolerant of him. In all fairness, he is annoying to them… it is how he gets attention.
So last night, Zach woke up and watched the last 5 minutes of hockey. Then he asked if he could sleep in our bed. I moved Josh into the other room so that Zach could sleep with us and Sanj wouldn’t complain about not having room.
Of course then Josh wakes up crying at 2 a.m. and is in our room again.
2 big bodies and 2 little bodies… didn’t make for a restful sleep.
But then I see Zach’s face this morning with a smile… “Good morning, Mom. I love you.”
It really was worth it.
OK… I know … no one in our bed. I know that…. But… sigh.
Then there is this blog. I love writing. But now that I am writing with more of a purpose, I feel worried about the content of the post. What if it is dumb? I hate worrying about what others think. I spent too much of my life doing that. So… I am just writing to write. Sorry, but sometimes there isn’t exciting to write about but I have to write. It is just like I have to eat or breath.
I wish I had a place to go and write. How cool would that be? A little shack or even just a writing space. Hum… the problem with that is that I would not get anything done… Like today!
OK… I am off to clean for real!
Part of this is the adjustment to having an empty house again. You will find your groove again – writer's shack or not! 🙂 Keep writing, we love reading!