It is 10:01 p.m. I am nursing a headache. I seem to have a sinus headache for the past few days. Maybe I am allergic to the mess that is constantly in my house.
Sanj is at the school board meeting. He just keeps going and going. I love him. He is such a sport.
Over the years we have been married, I am always and forever coming up with a new “scheme.” I am not really trying to get rich … I realize I was just trying to find me.
I have defined myself by being “mom” for so long… and of course that is who I am. It was who I was … all of me.. for so many years. I loved being mom. Yes, I am still mom… but you know what I mean, don’t you?
I am mom to six dearly loved boys who still are my world… but they are and continue to take steps away from me for periods of time that force me to seek who I am aside from mom.
I didn’t realize how tricky that would be. Many moms know who they are. They are nurses, teachers or busy stay at home moms.
For me, staying at home is no longer fun. It means that I am home alone (that is the biggest problem). It means that all the mess is shouting at me. It means laundry could possibly be kept under control. It means groceries and meals could be more organized. Staying at home means housework. I have come to the conclusion that isn’t my cup of tea. Get ME OUTTA HERE!!!
So I have been really struggling to find what I am suppose to do… who am I?
- I thought that the real estate world would be exciting and interesting. But as I approached that world I realized that it really isn’t conducive to what we want or need as a family. Evening are our busiest time. It is the time everyone needs me to be mom. Real Estate Agent
- I thought that maybe I would love my own store of cool stuff. But that was very short lived… as cool as it really does seem… we really don’t need to be owner of another business. (I always wanted to pay a cashier! It seems so fun! Store Owner
- Then there is the idea of me working in the clinic. I get a paycheck… so I really do have to show up for work. I have done this… it is all good. I actually really don’t mind it… so I am continuing to do it but it isn’t my heart’s desire. Working as everyone’s assistant at the Ear Company ( I really am just crossing it off because if I can find my passion and am good at it and make money… this is will crossed off too… plus it just looks good!)
- I had the idea of being a waitress… I have the experience and love people… but Sanj couldn’t see his trophy wife as a waitress. Waitress
- I wanted to be the secretary at the boys school… Rhema… how fun that would be!!! (Rena, Kate, don’t burst my bubble). Rhema’s Administrative Assistant
- Ok.. I am tired of listing all the things… but you get the picture, don’ t you?
Just a side bar… I realize that not every one gets to do their heart’s desire as a job in the real world. But… I can seek it out while working… then it isn’t hurting anyone… is it?
Today while chatting with God in the shower (yes, I do!) I realized that the only thing or person holding me back was me and fear.
So I made a plan. I went to lunch with my favorite husband and while I let him eat my yummy soup… told him I had an idea. Here’s the thing… I actually heard him sigh and brace himself.
How I love this man. He knows me so well. He knows well enough to be scared. lol
I am going to work on my book. I am going to carve out a time and place and that is going to be me at work. I am going to work! I am so excited. A couple of hours a day… not allowing for interruptions… I have to be a strict boss. I am going after my dream job. I have given myself till June to see how it is coming.
Of course this is where Sanj’s “support” ended. He didn’t give in to the idea of my needing a writer’s loft or apartment. He didn’t see my desperate need for a new computer either. I will work on those two things. But really … I love this man for supporting me.
I am on my way to fulfilling my dream of becoming a best selling author and if it doesn’t work out… there is a cashier’s till waiting for me… I am sure!
lol