Over the last years I have been struggling with God. It’s like we are having an arm wrestling match. I want Him to take my arm and slam it down, HARD and just let me feel that faith I had not too long ago. I would have never let a few life disappointing moments ever kicked my butt. But I must admit the last years, with some huge life changing disappointments, when I really thought God and I were on the same page…I fell hard. My faith was crushed. And though in my heart I really wanted to just brush it off and hang on to that virgin faith… it really hurt.
I know in my heart that God felt my pain. For whatever reason, I know it hurt Him to say no… or not right now… and I know He was looking out for me… but my disappointment and pain was all consuming and crushing. Church hurt. I would go, sit and hear these songs that spoke right to me… and it just hurt. I felt I was being mocked. I realize that God doesn’t do this. I know He is a God of LOVE. I KNOW THIS.
But I just didn’t feel it. I remember being at a women’s retreat… laying out by the water… weeping…. begging God to just wrap His arms around me because at that very moment, I NEED TO FEEL HIM! OK I would like to say, ” then I felt a touch on my shoulder and knew it was a hug from God.” NOPE… rather I saw a rodent and freaked right out! 🙂
I wish it wasn’t so hard. Or maybe it is just hard for me. Maybe all those people that feel God’s touch or hear God’s voice make it hard on people like me.
I realize now that what I got instead WAS hugs… through an amazing group of friends. I just didn’t see it at the time. I found out that as I became part of a bigger thing the pain, hurting and disappointment lessened. Sometimes it is a dull ache. God doesn’t give you something you cannot handle. God must have a LOT of faith in me.
I am handling it. I am growing from it. I am learning to take baby steps toward climbing back up that tower of faith again.
Except i am not so naive anymore. I know that my relationship with God isn’t going to be a bowl of cherries. That was when i was 12. Perhaps He knows I am ready for a grown up relationship with Him. I just needed to see that.
He doesn’t promise it all. He just promises to be there. I love the “Footsteps” poem… I know that He has carried me over the years so many times. There would be no other way I would have made it. I just didn’t have it in me.
He wrapped His arms around me that is why I could cry. He had given me His Shoulder to cry on.
It’s like any relationship with its ups and downs. I am ready for this journey, God. Help me to have total faith. Help me to be that person I know You are shaping me to be. Help me to understand our relationship is that… a relationship. It is going to have its ups and downs and that is OK. I know that you can handle me when I am angry or disappointed. It is OK to be mad, right? It is OK to doubt sometimes, right? But I know that I would rather live in faith that YOU ARE GOD and there is a future and hope. There is a real home for me that is perfect. There is more than this crazy family.. there is HOPE of real true PEACE and PERFECTION.
I NEED to believe. I already tried with out it and it is too hard. It was harder than I thought. So I am ready.
I promise to love you, honor you, be faithful to you in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better , for worse,in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon You my heart’s deepest devotion.