Cool, Rainy Days Make Me…

It’s one of those cool, grey days.


I have to say that I love this kind of day every once in a while.  It’s the kind of day that I don’t mind doing laundry or hanging out at home.  It is the kind of day I find myself daydreaming a lot… of things past and future.  It’s the kind of day that I love to snuggle with the boys and watch a movie … and if the movie is too testosterone filled, I’ll read a book while they watch.
Oh yes, I love a day like this every once in a while.

Today, it almost feels like fall is around the corner.  Even though there are still a few weeks left, I find that my mind is racing with all the Back to School stuff.  I find myself thinking of the committees I am on that I need to prep for.  The bathroom… the boys one that we raised money for, is still not quite finished… and I find this frustrating… especially since I know that every one is volunteering their time… but I am tired of this project hanging over my head.  I keep looking at Josh growing and wondering how I will find pants to fit his ever growing frame.

Today I am thinking of looking for a bike for Josh… since he has this fear or intolerance of movement… quite possibly stemming from all his ear issues,  riding a bike has been a challenge.  Um… and quite a frustration for Sanj.  While I worry about potty training and all that stuff, my husband stresses about teaching the boys to ride a bike and skating.  All the boys learned to ride on this now beat up green little bike.  Josh will not be amoung that group.  He towers over it.  He still will need training wheels… but I am sure he will get there!

Poor Child, he seems to have a lot of challenges!

I am so glad we packed it up and came back from camping a day early.  It would have been a rough night!  That said, I was thinking that next year, I would get the yurt and the boys could bring a friend and set up in the sight next to me.  How fun would that be!

I am feeling restless.  My spirit is unsettled.  I focus so much on my relationships in my life and yet have this unsettling feeling when they are not reciporcated.   Then I start the barraging of “What’s wrong with me or us?”

I was chatting with a friend not to long ago and she was telling my how she had been praying to God for a best friend.  This is such a hard subject.  How many are looking for that best friend?  I have a best friend, actually two girlfriends.  When we get together, my heart is so filled.  I can talk to them about anything and everything.  I miss them so much.   They are my Gayle, as in Oprah has her Gayle.  It is not they same, though.  We are so far from each other.  Oh we chat.  When we chat, we can talk for hours.  It feels so good and yet it leaves a  longing.

I yearn for the reciprocation of friendship.  I yearn for the daily chatter… or the dropping in for a visit, despite what our houses look like.  I miss having a best friend.  I often feel a loss of not having a sister.  I remember when my youngest brother was born and the nurse came into the room we were waiting in and said that we had another brother, how I cried and cried.  I can still see that room, the sofas, how they were arranged.  I had prayed so hard for a sister.

I have a great baby brother.  I love our relationship… he told me we are like Oprah and Gayle.  That is quite a compliment.  I love him.  Yet he is still not a sister.

It seems to be a common thing… the hunt or yearning for a best friend.  I stumbled upon a blog of a lady in the Big Apple searching for her best friend.  She was single and obviously had time to devote to this.

Moving into Peterborough, over the years, I have a great group of ladies that I am blessed to call friend.  I love them.  I know that they are their if I need them. Yet they are for the most part settled.  Many have grown up here and have their roots… their groups … their buddies.

Last night Sanj and I went and saw Crazy Stupid Love, great movie, by the way.  It was one of those movies that made you look at relationships… at the place that I am now… 40 something, no babies, married.  Is your marriage all that you thought it would be?  Is is fulfilling?  It tossed around the word soul mate.  Are you married to your soul mate?  And does it matter?

Movies like that leave me pondering…  Sanj is my best friend in so many ways.  Yet, I have all these insecurities too.  I wonder if he gets bored with me?  (Yah, I know, hard to imagine! lol)  I am not athletic.  I am not outdoorsy.  I am not musical.  I think golf is a stupid waste of time.  I am not an intellectual.  I get bitchy when I am cleaning.  I am hyper.  I hate being still.  He craves this.  I hate that he needs this.  He is always worried.  I can be childish… which he hates.  He has always been an old soul.  I love Mickey Mouse.  He likes his alone time.  I love being with people.  Oh the list goes on.  We love each other.  I know that.  Is love enough?  Sometimes I get scared.  What if it isn’t?

We as a society never really just talk about our insecurities.  We seem to just give the world the picture that life is grand.  I got a message from someone while we were in PEI.  They were looking at the pictures of our trip on Facebook.  Part of what they wrote was “The pictures tell the tale of a family of love and respect for each other, a family that can laugh ,play and just plan enjoy life to the fullest and all of God wonderful creation. So glad you had this time.”

It was a lovely comment.  Yet, a part of me felt fraudulent.  We aren’t perfect at all.  My kids fight all the time.  They don’t seem to respect each other.  The only time someone isn’t fighting is when they are asleep.  There is someone always bothering a brother or saying something hurtful or pushing or …    All the time.  I am not a patient parent.  I find myself irritated with the constantness of having six boys … siblingitis… the irritation of having sibling.

Then I hear a mom tell me her kids never fight.  They are 3 years apart, each of them and they kind of ignore each other.  Another tells of her two sons, a year apart, are each other’s best friends.

What’s wrong with my kids?  I suppose I love snapping pictures of my boys because pictures are quiet.  They aren’t fighting.  They aren’t being short with each other.  They are still!

Oh.. it’s a grey, cool day outside.  Days like this make me ramble…. on and on.

This entry was posted in Boys, choices, Family, General, God and I, love, Marriage, moments, motherhood, Parenting, Reema Sukumaran, relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Cool, Rainy Days Make Me…

  1. Emily says:

    You absolutely beautiful, wonderful, “REAL” woman. I love you more than you will ever know, and I cannot wait to come out to see you. I got an email from an old boyfriend (you know the one I mean) just yesterday, and I was telling him that I am going to see you in September and that I can’t wait. I told him all the things that I love about you – especially the fact that you are authentic and don’t want to hide behind facades. You don’t try to make people think you are something or someone you are not. You are honest. I think that every single person on this planet has insecurities. But most have a really good way of hiding behind them.
    Just to make you feel a bit “normal”. My kids fight. We are going on a trip next week, and I am a bit freaked out about all the fights we are going to have to endure. But I think fighting is better than ignoring. They say what they need to say, and then they get over it. I think more adults could take a lesson from kids.
    The differences between you are Sanj are probably what he loves about you. You don’t want to become Sanj. As great as he is, the world needs only one of him – and only one of you. But it needs both of you, with your uniqueness. Hitting the 40s is hard for both genders. Lots of soul-searching and questions. Don’t be afraid to ask the questions.
    I often feel like you – that I need a best girlfriend. Someone who I can talk with on the phone every day. Someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone who has my back. Someone who I can take a weekend trip with, or go shopping with (I don’t like shopping, but every once in a while…..). I’d like someone who I can laugh with more than anything. I haven’t really laughed in a long,long time. I think good girlfriends can make that happen. But God knows my wants and needs and He will supply as He sees fit.
    Have a great day, Reema. I love you lots!!!!
    Em

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