Constipated…

My words have been stuck… my thoughts seemed to be constipated.

I even thought of ending my blog.  I mean, what is the point of it really?  Me, rambling about this and that… nothing life changing.  My thoughts, as I write them, seem dumb, then I delete the post.  Then I feel frustrated.

It’s been a few weeks since school started.  The boys are all doing great… and I am enjoying my new found freedom.  Except, I seem busier then before.  Last week, I had at least 7 appointments booked for the boys… through the week.  It was very frustrating.  I felt busier than ever.  At least on my days home with Josh, last year, I had down days where we hang out.

I am sure it will change.  This week, seems to be flying by.  It’s Tuesday already.  Friday is my birthday!  I love my birthday.  I enjoy all the little reasons to stop and have a party.  Sanj is planning a patio party.  I just hope that we have good weather.

I was looking for something in my boxes of keepsakes and found my old journals.  Life is so funny.  The ups and downs seem to be constant.  What I was whining about 15 years ago are things that still make me blue.  I find it so funny that as much as I have changed, grown… there is so much of me that is still the same.

I realize that if you have a emptiness in your heart… it is only you that can fill it.  No man can do that.  I think as women, we think that when Prince Charming comes along, life will be a bowl of cherries.  Cherries still have pits.

As I listen to so many of my friends, women, we have needs men can not fulfill.  We are so different.  They, men, for the most part, need some physically loving, and they are set.  That is a universal love language for most men.  When their physical needs are satified… they feel loved.  They are pretty simple.

We, as women are so much more complicated.  I am not even sure why God made us SO different.  We, as women, have such complex needs and desires.  When I try to think like a man ( and Lord knows I try a bit too often),  I get their frustraton with us, the fairer sex.  We want the romance, the actions that show love rather than that being demonstrated physically and thinking that is enough.  We need the time spent with each other, the chatter, the help with the housework, the showers of love in all sorts of ways… and not just on anniversaries and birthday.  We are so complicated.

I guess if we don’t know what we need or want, how is the man in our life suppose to?

How often do I hear,  “If I never have sex again, I’d be fine with it?”  I doubt that would really be true but women have an emotional level that is so complicated that I don’t think we even understand it.

How often do I find myself feel so lonely?  I was reading that in my journal… from long ago and realized that so much of that unrest is still true.  I have a loving husband who trys.  Yet as I thought about this today, I realized that when I feel so alone, even in a marriage that is happy, it is something that is so deep down that perhaps Sanj just can’t fill that.

When I spend time with my true friends, real time, sharing, crying and laughing, it is so rejuenating.  Maybe God needed to make men a tad more emotional, a tad softer, a tad more e-feminitate. lol

Ah… Maybe the unrest that fills my souls is just part of being human.  Maybe it is human to just need to cry to sleep sometimes.  Maybe reading and watching romantic books and movies sets us up for a unrealistic dream.

I have just heard so much saddness or despear this month.  I see women that have chosen to leave their spouse in wanting to be true to their inner self… and yet are they really happier alone?

I was thinking of how males seem to have life wrapped up in a nice neat package… a good woman loving them physcially, a hobby or two (sports or otherwise), a good job, a nice car… and they seem to have it made.  (Not to take away that they don’t have stress… but who doesn’t).

Women… first we have to deal with the seemingly never-ending PMS.  Just that alone, once a month, sucks.  Then we have wants and needs that men don’t get.  So, who fills that?

I guess this is why women seek, crave a bestie.  If a bestie is actively in a women’s life… I think there  is much more contentment.

As I read my journals, and was surprised at the same things that seem to be missing in my life… I realize that one can’t expect a male to fill a female’s role.  Over the  years, I have missed having a significant “her”  in my everyday life.