I am feeling great!
Well, I feel back to myself. Yesterday, I attacked my closet and drawers and rid myself of bags of clothes that I haven’t worn in years. I am not sure what it is that keeps me from giving stuff away… but after I do it, it feels so good. Our closet looks fantastic. I know it won’t last but for now my clothes (and Sanj’s, since I felt guilty about his looking like such a mess) are co-ordinated. Short sleeves, long sleeves, colours, pants, skirts (mine, of course, lol) etc.
I have to admit at noon yesterday as I looked at my room, it looked like my closet and drawers had thrown up. It was such a mess. I had only two hours left to get it all back into order. That was a little overwhelming but I did it. There was even a box that had sat for 3 years… since we moved into this house that was just full of junk, really. Amazing how much room was added to our closet once that box was disposed of. It felt so good!
Have you ever watched those shows of hoarders? Scary, really how things can just accumulate so quickly! One of the things I found was my box of some of my journals. One in particular, my second year of university was so funny and painful to read. I had such crushed on some guys. And then there was Sanj… how much I like/loved him. He was off to DC doing his Masters, he was there hanging out with two other friends, one my cousin and the other a mutual friend of ours. This was my posse of sorts the last year Sanj was there at my University. I had so much fun with this group of boys. They were safe to me… one was my cousin, one was like my brother (I’m sure he hated that I thought that) and then there was Sanj, who was emotionally not available and constantly letting me know that. Then there were the other boys that made my world go around just by passing them on the sidewalk, or seeing them in the cafe. The hours (seriously hours) my roommate and bestie spent pondering boys were so amazing.
As I poured over my journal, I almost felt stressed at the drama that made my world. Life was so simple! It was all about boys (and school, yes, some) and going to Taco Bell or the mall or hanging out with my friends. It was about who would be the love of my life. It was about will I find anyone to really love me?
As I read some of my gushing, I was thinking of what the boys would think if they read this someday. I always thought that this would be so great for my daughter to read someday. Would my sons care? And somehow it made me a little anxious thinking of them reading some of the thoughts since they know some of the “crushes” from my days long ago. Weird and very weird.
I read some of my heart felt words about my feelings for Sanj from such a long time ago. Did you know that I pretty much had a crush on Sanj from months after meeting him? My journal is full of words to God… begging Him … but not really wanting to tell God … but at the same time hoping that I would have a future with Sanj. Sanj was so busy trying to keep me at bay. He was nursing a broken heart at this time and no doubt liked me well enough as a pesky friend but I apparently never contemplated anything past that. Well, so he says. lol
Sanj was “touched” as I read him a few of the things I wrote but I was blushing even reading it to him as it was so …. I don’t even know what the word is! He thought that it was pretty cool that I had this… my coming to age. Wow… when I thought of that, that is what it was. I loved reading and seeing myself growing up.
Years later, 1987-1992… when we made that leap from friends to more… it was weird. My girlfriend asked me today, “What was that first moment like?” As I thought about it, it really wasn’t like the books says.. stars and all that. It was actually scary. I was getting over someone… and here was this amazing moment that I had prayed for years… and I felt freaked out. In fact, the first time Sanj kissed me, I actually looked up and laughed and said, “What are you doing?” because Sanj had trained me over the years to not expect anything more. We were just friends. I was so freaked out that this friend… that I loved so much was changing the rules. His rules. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend and experience taught me that there really wasn’t much friendship when a relationship ended (at least from my pathetic history).
We both, obviously got over our fears and as they say, “The rest is our history.” I love that our history has such as a great story. I love that in those years that we were friends, our worlds were still connected. My journals talk about Sanj going on a date with this girl, or about how Sanj called while I was going through something or how we just talked or hung out while I visited DC. I love how he knows my family, my aunts and uncles. He was always part of my world, sometimes in a distant way. He was friends with my best friend and hung out with her while they both lived in DC. He was so part of my world.
I love the whole plan. God had a plan from day one. The first time I met Sanj, ( in a copy room at Bell Hall at Andrews), I remember thinking he was so stuck up. I smiled at him and he just ignored me. I was not impressed.
Funny, how over that first year God changed my mind slowly. I love that I had time to crush and like and get to know my likes and dislikes as Sanj “ignored” me and this allowed me to grow. I love that there was always a plan. Looking back, I am so grateful for the plan.
I love all the memories we made, lots of pure, uncomplicated, fun as friends. We really got to know each other. This was part of the plan. When it was time… God’s time… we were both gun shy but with all the years behind us, we could only we real with each other.
I read of how much I loved Sanj back then. Yet, today, as I look back… that was such puppy love. Today… the depth of my love is unmeasureable. 6 kids later, living and dealing with the stresses of life, making a life that is all ours together… it makes for a love that is undefinable…except love… in God’s time… is a special kind of love.
(Don’t get me wrong… it’s not perfect… he drives me nuts, always has, like no one else can… that’s love too!)