What is a friend? Sanj and I have been having this discussion of who our friends are and what makes a friend?
For me the definition is simple. Someone that I enjoy being with, that reciprocates in our friendship and that feeds me in some way or another. This allows for a broad range of different types of friendships.
I am not sure if everyone feels the same way I do. Do people have deep meaningful friendships? Friendships that have stood the test of time and grown over that time? I am blessed with some friends like that. It is something I thought everyone has but am realizing that isn’t necessarily true.
Then I look at men… I know some men that have those close friendships. But many don’t. Why not? Why is it so easy to talk about football or how the Leafs aren’t doing… to talk about work or even have some philosophical conversations but yet stay clear of deep meaningful things? Things that bind a friendship.
As wives my friends and I are forever planning to go out, planning for our husbands to go out… why?
Maybe the men don’t want or need it. I don’t know.
Sanj is a melancholy 100%. Of course he can be very outgoing when he chooses to. But he loves being mellow. He plays or listens to what I call sad depressing music. He enjoys being alone, fishing or golfing whatever. He does not mind being alone.
But he does not have people in his life that feed his soul. (of course myself excluded, I assume). He has had very good friends of past, yet those have not been nurtured in years and so they are friends of yesteryear… friends forever but not friends that do much for him now and vise versa.
So what to do? Is it the need to be vulnerable? Be real 100%? Most of us are scared to do that. Why is it so hard for some people to find that special friend that feeds their soul?
I have said this before… I really want that for my sons. What changes from having buddies that they grow up with to being grown men finding it hard to connect with another?
Society, I believe is to blame, to some degree. There is so much pressure to be success and “have it all” that maybe feels suffocating to admit that one does not have it all. But really by whose standards?
My poor husband is having hair issues. The loss of some of his hair. I do feel for him… it sucks. But it has no bearing on me. I love him. Hair or not. (Now teeth… if he loses those, that will be another issue)!
Anyways Sanj came back from a haircut and said, “I wish I wasn’t losing my hair.” I repeated this to our hairdresser the next week, while I was in.
Helena’s response was…”What is wrong with the man? He has it all. A beautiful wife (thanks Helena), beautiful children, a home, a good business, he is a handsome man, a good man… And he is complaining about HAIR?”
Who really has it all? I guess that is another whole blog on its own. I was making the point that once you are vulnerable it opens up so much… it gives someone else confidence to share too.
This is a key in a relationship. In a friendship… to have a real open honest friendship… you have to give that person your vulnerability.
It is a chance. It is a risk. But 9/10 I am sure it is worth it. We were made to have good fulfilling people in our hearts to keep us growing.
Even one real good friend is worth 100 of the “hi how’s it going?” kind. But the key I believe to finding that friend is becoming that friend.
You must want it bad enough to be wiling to let yourself hang out a bit. People are willing to hang there laundry for all to see… why not yourself. At some point it will be worth it.