Yesterday I spent part of the day with my dad. To be honest, the night before, I didn’t want to go. I was feeling that I was wasting time. I have so much to do and did not feel the need to drive to Oshawa and be uncomfortable.
I went. I did not want to “hurt” my dad’s feelings. Talk about irony. It was fine. I am fine.
I realized that almost 40 years has gone by and I am fine. No expectations. God has been so good to me. I have peace where there is no understanding. I have acceptance of this person as he is. It was just doing errands with my dad and Josh, having lunch and then talk to you later.
As I drove away, I was waiting for emotions to flood me and to feel unsettled. I was a little lost at the lack of emotional drama.
I was a little lost at the nothingness I felt. I felt OK.
I went because I felt like it was the right thing to do. I felt sad at the consequences of my father’s life. Loneliness is a bitch of a punishment.
My dad seems nostalgic… mentioning my fast approaching 40th birthday… and said something about how time goes by so fast.
Does he have regrets? It would seem so. Does he verbalize them… not yet. Maybe these regrets will keep him company in his grave.
I am not holding my breathe for a miracle…
Yet I am content with where I am emotionally. It is a long way from one year ago. How blessed I feel for this gift. Acceptance.
Accepting what he can give me and not seeking what isn’t. Peace… am I at peace? Maybe or close to it. Wow.
Wow, this is major departure from a year ago. Way to go. I didn't think it was going to happen. I'll call in the morning.