I was reading my brother’s response to my previous blog… His comment about about “Why can’t Christians act more like him
(meaning my cousin). He is such a kind, humble, and loving person. I would be afraid that if Ujjal started attending church again, he would turn into a mean, two-faced person, like me.”
Now of course my brother is not a mean 2-faced person… he is just real. But his profession… a minister puts him in the position of being on a pedestal. This is not a place ministers ask to be put on so when they do fall, as all will at some point, they are a disappointment.
We expect them to be “god” here on earth, to have answers to problems or be there at any given moment. It is amazing to me the powers we bestow on them. Who do they turn to? Church isn’t free therapy. Well, to some it is and here in lies problems.
I have been really struggling with church… the need for it. I do not get fed there. Not a specific church… but rather church in general. I have issues. I have hurts. I feel that I can have a better wholesome relationship with God directly. I have a hard time listening to a speaker tell me what I may already know as a “lifer” in christianity. Yet I find myself not really able to appreciate the person speaking. I am wondering is he real? I just want real. Is that asking to much? I can appreciate the speaking if he is talking from his heart… from a place of truth. Yet I hate that this doesn’t happen too often.
I do get fed through the music and fellowship. But find that fellowship… seems to be lacking nowadays too. Maybe my expectations are all wrong. Maybe I am going for all the wrong reasons. Maybe the problem is just me.
I used to miss church when we didn’t go. Now I am so relieved to just be with my family. Of course I am not saying that church is bad… I appreciate what it has to offer as a whole. I wish I could get back to that place of feeling fed. Or feeding someone else. Maybe that is what is missing.
I want church to be a place of worship where my soul is filled. Where heaven came down and GLORY filled my soul. Does that happen anymore?
Maybe I am just ready and longing for that better place. I hope that I do not offend anyone with my thoughts. These are just my thoughts at the moment. Tomorrow they could be 100% different. I encourage your feed back…. if you have thoughts you want to share … email me or blog a response.