Tonsil Hockey and Letting Go….

I’m sitting here, settling in to write my post when I hear Josh asking Sanj, “Dad, what’s tonsil hockey?”  My shoulders are shaking as I find myself laughing out loud knowing full well Sanj is not going to touch that with a ten foot pole!

Josh is obsessed with tonsils as of late because he has been suffering from sleep apnea.  As we journey down this road looking for answers for my poor babe, a trip to the friendly ENT to peek at his tonsils and addenoids is in order and hopefully the answer.  This child of mine has the hugest tonsils I’ve seen!  It is not uncommon to see Josh sticking out his tongue in someone’s face showing off his humungo tonsils!  (Don’t look up tonsillitis if you have a weak stomach).

So we are on day 4 of my oldest leaving the nest.  Sniff.  Sammy is 20 in a month.  He’s graduated from high school and is trying to find himself.  He is dating someone in California and decided this is where he wants to be for now… spend the summer with her and then probably head to Ottawa to school in the Fall.

Wow.  I honestly thought a hangnail hurt.  Ok, it really does.  I hate that unexpected sharp pain as the little piece of skin snags and rips through my body!!! Ow!!!!  I thought child labor hurt.  I mean the first time, my tiny body pushed out this mucky gucky being through me….  Oww!!!  I thought painful periods were painful.  Monthly.  Owww!!!  And then there was the hysterectomy… the day I thought I was healed … and went out and weeded (something I never do… ever) and pulled at this stubborn weed.  Hard.  And it gave and I fell back.  And…. Owwww…. everything inside me that was healing came undone.  Owwwww!!!!

And then Sammy  prepared to leave.  And then left.  I am not sure how parents do this and survive.  How do you love this tiny little being, watch them grow, wipe their  boogers, bums and tears,  teach him all that I could, loved him more than I thought it possible to love someone and then kiss him goodbye with an I love you?  I think my heart is actually broken.  It isn’t the kind of broken that a  cardiologist can give a pill for or even put my broken heart together again.  It’s broken like that broken that causes my breath to catch, that releases tears with no notice.  It’s broken and hurt as I think of me… here …. so far away not sure if he needs a bandaid or a joke or even for me to beat someone up.

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…… Yes.  It hurts more than I was ever prepared for.  I know all about loving someone then I have to let them go… I know that this is what the past 18+ years were about… this moment.  And yet… I can’t help but wonder if  I loved him so hard and completely that he feels me with him … that he is so irritated that his mama’s love actually is haunting him.

So far now, I am taking it one day at a time.  Sometimes one hour at a time.  Sometimes I just go back to the days of holding his hand, trying to keep up with him and looking forward to the time when I got to snuggle in bed with him.  Wow.. how much I miss those days.

And yet, as I find myself praying for him almost constantly, I know Sammy will be just awesome.  He is just a lover of people.  He has a real gift… and I am eager to watch as he discovers and moves forward to becoming that great man I know he is.

Those that have done this… let go of your babes, given them room and let them soar… you are my hero.

Those of you that still have your babes… love them, hold them and enjoy this precious gift that God has blessed us with.

Sammy- I love you.  Now and forever.

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Prom in Long Beach, CA with his girlfriend.

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