The weekend past was brutal. I felt so low, dark and alone. I found myself wishing that life could end. This is a cycle in my world. My reality. I know that when I am feeling this low I need to reach out to the help that is my support system. My therapist and I chatted Monday morning— this in it self usually helps me greatly. She helps me reframe the messiness of my mind into something that is positive and I hang up feeling better — usually I have things that I need to do to dig myself out of the dark.
Monday I called her feeling that darkness swallowing me up. In the course of the session, we talked about my dad and how I am working it all out. I realized that I am at a place of acceptance and know boundaries to keep myself safe emotionally. I realized that I loved my dad and had come to accept that he loved me but couldn’t show it in the way that was needed. I felt so proud of this progress.
Monday night I was at the mall and my cell rang. I was paying for my purchase and took the call- despite the number being unknown. The lady on the line told me that my dad had just died.
You know, for months (maybe longer) I have been praying that God would take my dad. I wanted so badly his suffering to end. I hated his suffering, his heart was bad. Very bad. He lived at life where strangers where his family and friends. I kept praying this prayer. Was it bad to pray this? I guess I felt comfort that God would know best.
Tomorrow is my birthday. It’s a day I love. Last night as I was driving home, I felt such peace. I know that my dad is laying sleep in Jesus. My dad loved God, almost to an obsession. He shared Him with everyone. I mean EVERYONE! He had a boldness that most people do not have no a day. I wish my dad was able to show his love to us, his kids, with such abandonment and yet I have come to realize he was broken. I felt that God gave me an amazing birthday gift… an answer to my prayer. He took my broken daddy and gave him peace. My dad is resting in Jesus. When I see him again, my daddy will be whole, healed and happy. He WILL be able to show me his love and it will be overflowing. As I was driving home, I felt so peaceful. I felt peace that I have never known before. I saw a rainbow- it wasn’t a typical rainbow but a burst of one in the clouds. How often can you say that God gave you a birthday gift?!!!
I have always said that I know God loves me more!!!
Is this proof? Hehe
My birthday present is that God answered my prayer. My dad is finally at peace. As a result… God gifted me a peace that passeth understanding. I always loved that sentence but truthfully couldn’t image it… until now. It is such a beautiful thing, receiving peace in a mess that makes no sense and yet knowing with out a shadow of doubt that it’s all good. God’s got it.
Thank you, Jesus for loving me so much to give me the incredible gift of Your love in a way that is so special and meaningful. BTW- Jesus, thanks that I AM Your favourite! 🙂