Happy Birthday to Me!

The weekend past was brutal.  I felt so low, dark and alone.  I found myself wishing that life could end.  This is a cycle in my world.  My reality.  I know that when I am feeling this low I need to reach out to the help that is my support system.  My therapist and I chatted  Monday morning— this in it self usually helps me greatly.  She helps me reframe the messiness of my mind into something that is positive and I hang up feeling better — usually I have things that I need to do to dig myself out of the dark.

Monday I called her feeling that darkness swallowing me up.  In the course of the session, we talked about my dad and how I am working it all out.  I realized that I am at a place of acceptance and know boundaries to keep myself safe emotionally.  I realized that I loved my dad and had come to accept that he loved me but couldn’t show it in the way that was needed.  I felt so proud of this progress.

Monday night I was at the mall and my cell rang.  I was paying for my purchase and took the call- despite the number being unknown.  The lady on the line told me that my dad had just died.

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You know, for months (maybe longer) I have been praying that God would take my dad.  I wanted so badly his suffering to end.  I hated his suffering, his heart was bad.  Very bad.  He lived at life where strangers where his family  and friends.  I kept praying this prayer.  Was it bad to pray this?  I guess I felt comfort that God would know best.

Tomorrow is my birthday.  It’s a day I love.  Last night as I was driving home, I felt such peace.  I know that my dad is laying sleep in Jesus.  My dad loved God, almost to an obsession.  He shared Him with everyone.  I mean EVERYONE!   He had a boldness that most people do not have no a day.  I wish my dad was able to show his love to us, his kids, with such abandonment and yet I have come to realize he was broken.  I felt that God gave me an amazing birthday gift… an answer to my prayer.  He took my broken daddy and gave him peace.  My dad is resting in Jesus.  When I see him again, my daddy will be whole, healed and happy.  He WILL be able to show me his love and it will be overflowing. As I was driving home, I felt so peaceful.  I felt peace that I have never known before.  I saw a rainbow- it wasn’t a typical rainbow but a burst of one in the clouds.  How often can you say that God gave you a birthday gift?!!!

I have always said that  I know God loves me more!!!

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Is this proof?  Hehe

My birthday present is that God answered my prayer.  My dad is finally at peace.  As a result… God gifted me a peace that passeth understanding.  I always loved that sentence but truthfully couldn’t image it… until now.  It is such a beautiful thing, receiving peace in a mess that makes no sense and yet knowing with out a shadow of doubt that it’s all good.  God’s got it.

Thank you, Jesus for loving me so much to give me the incredible gift of Your love in a way that is so special and meaningful.  BTW- Jesus, thanks that I AM Your favourite! 🙂

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