Today I went with Sammy to the court house. I watched as the judge looked at my son, judging him as a criminal and what would be an appropriate punishment for his “crime” of assault and threat to assault. I listened as Sammy’s lawyer, (who we had to pay a pretty penny before anyone would listen to him), spoke to the judge and listened to her semi-sarcastic response to my son. I walked out of the court room feeling a bunch of emotions and yet trying hard to suppress them from Sammy, knowing he had his own emotions, whatever they were to deal with. Sammy walked away with having to do anger management course, 50 hours of volunteer hours, and he is to stay away from both the “victims” homes, place of work and church.
I am a parent that has raised my boys to be kind, respectful and understand how to treat others. Aside from their siblings, I must say that I’ve seen them grow to be respectful to others ( for the most part). Having no sisters, we, Sanj and I have always instilled in them how they are to treat women. We are old school. I like them to hold the door open for others (not just women). They have been taught to help carry bags. They have been taught to respect women. They know to treat other human beings with respect.
Here’s the thing… my boys have started dating. My heart still pounds when I say that. Wow. I’m not sure when girls had cooties to now being the best thing ever. Three of my boys have been dating the last year and bit. Sammy startled me by dating someone in California. The whole online dating thing…. it is still pretty foreign to me. I remember realizing this is what was happening and feeling very uncomfortable. And yet… Sammy seemed happy and excited. About this time, 2 of my other boys were dating too. I must say this whole dating bit was a huge eye opener for me. I loved watching my boys with their girls and how their interaction was something I had never seen before. I loved watching my youngest acting totally grossed out as he watched his siblings interact with GIRLS!
Here’s the thing about Sammy’s relationship, despite the fact that she was so far away, it seemed that they had a friendship that was great which made the relationship seemingly more special. In October, Sammy asked to go visit his girlfriend, I think for her birthday. Then he went again in January. Around this point, the GF (girlfriend) came to our house. She was very shy and quiet and kept to herself. Having been shy growing up (I know, hard to believe), I cut her some slack. I tried. I really felt good about my effort. I also figured with time, we’d be cool.
Fast forward to September, Sammy decided to go to Ottawa for school and GF was to join him. I wasn’t too pleased with their idea of living together but … it was the plan was. (This isn’t really the issue of this post so I’m moving on)…
There were a few times when things seemed to get ugly with them. I figured that Sammy was in school, working and being the social creature he was, this was hard on GF who moved there and for some reason I still don’t understand, didn’t get a job. Being an introvert, she was happy with Sammy coming home and them hanging out, the two of them. I figured that this was the kind of issues that many couples struggled with.
There was one particular moment when Sammy asked us to come pick him up. He was very upset and said GF and him were done. We drove the 3ish hours to Ottawa, got a hotel and went to grab him. Unfortunately by this time, they seemed to talk it out. Sammy asked if she could come to dinner and hang with us.
Over this period of time, Sammy kept very quiet of his issues in his relationship. I could see that there were issues but they seemed like most normal couples that were trying to figure it out.
I’m fast forwarding… the GF seemed to suffer from depression and was sent home. I’m not sure what happened if anything at home. After a bit, she came back. It seemed that absence made the heart fonder.
They lived with us 2 months. Every week was the move out date. While I do not approve of this, I also didn’t want my kid on the streets, obviously. And yet I have 5 other boys that I am teaching and …. anyways.
Over the time Sammy and GF lived with us, there was stuff I noticed. Weird stuff. And yet, Sammy kept things very quiet. I personal, did not see this as a happy relationship I wanted for my son, but at this point I also know that I can say things but ultimately, if I want us to be cool, I have to respect his decision. Ugh.
Again, fast forward. They got a place, they were sharing with one of Sammy’s buddy that help with cost of rent etc. You know, what I have learned is that a mama’s instinct is usually right. I am not sure if this a God given thing but… I am learning trust my judgement rather than question myself. I pray for each of my boys. I pray for their GFs and their relationships. I pray and beg sometimes, for God to take care of my boys as young men and their women that will become part of their world.
Thanksgiving evening, as we were literally all at the table with our family, Sammy calls me, telling me he’s not going to be able to make it. I heard his voice was off and yet since I had the turkey in my hand, I said ok… and hoped to see him later. THEN he asked for Jordan. HUH? Those two have not always gotten along so this surprised and alarmed me especially after I saw Jordan and Tyler heading out.
Sigh. At 11:30 pm at night, my Sammy (my child that I gave birth too and love with all my heart) called, crying and telling me he had to tell me something horrible. OF COURSE my mind went to pregnancy. But nope… as I learned, there is something so ugly that can happen to your child that it breaks your heart. Literally. As I am typing this, my heart is racing and I find myself deep breathing. And yet as I write this with Sammy’s permission, I know that this is something that needs to be shared as it is that sad and sick.
His GF had been hurting him. Since Ottawa, this girl has been physically ABUSING HIM! A lot. Over stupid things, she would lose it and become so physical and ugly. He would cover his face/head and take it. Then after a bit, the GF would do the “I’m Sorry” bit.
Here’s the thing… I lived with physical abuse. My mom was a battered woman. My dad had lots of issues and didn’t get help as he didn’t see the need. Along with physical abuse is the ugliness of mental abuse and guilt. If this was happening to a girl… can you imagine? I mean CAN YOU IMAGINE? I mean if my boy was hurting a girl, I can’t IMAGINE my reaction or thoughts.
I am listening on the phone to my child, broken and telling us that this has been going on for over a year. Then I listened to him tell Sanj and I how since moving to Peterborough, GF had been cheating on him while he was at work. This night he reacted to GF’s physically violence of throwing a candle and salsa on him and then beating him… he grabbed her hands and begged her to just stop.
This wasn’t the end. A guy was picking her up and taking her out. I am not sure about why it seems victims do this but Sammy was more upset at the boy coming and taking the GF out over the GF going out and cheating on him. Sammy texted this boy an ugly message. (A lesson learned).
GF and the boy went to the police and accused Sammy of assault to the GF and threat to assault to the boy. This was why Sammy was telling us his stuff. The police were there in moments to arrest Sammy. Did you know only one person can charge … by the time Sammy got there to put his charges in… they wouldn’t listen to him. They had to deal with this first.
My kid was bought into the police station in handcuffs. HANDCUFFS! We came in and had to wait as they drilled him with what he was being accused of. Then they released him to us. He was not allowed to go to his apartment. He was a criminal until he was proved otherwise.
Do you get that my child did not raise his hand? Do you get that MY CHILD was being abused quite severely? After this was out… the truth that GF had been hurting him often and quite ugly all sorts of stories made sense. Now I understood WHY he asked so often to go to a chiropractor because the GF was jumping on his back, slamming him against the mental bunk, etc. This broke my heart. I thought when I had a break up in university I had gone through a heart break. WRONG! My child that I birth, a child that I fed, a child that I bathe, a child I taught, a child that I kissed hurts away and a child that I hugged was hurt by someone else, someone that said she loved him…that was what broke my heart.
I got permission from my child to write this. I feel the need to write because as a mother of boys, SIX BOYS, they have all been taught to respect women. And men. Are we teaching our daughters (are children in general) that physical and mental abuse to a human being is EVIL. It is WICKED. IT IS INEXCUSABLE. There are enough that have this kind of sickness. Growing up with this, I can assure you there is no excuse. We as parents, know that if our child has this issue(s), MUST seek help. I am not even going to go there about this GF because I do not want to waste energy there. I will say that her own mother was physically hurt by her. Enough Said.
I am so glad that the LAW keeps my Sammy away from this person. I am so glad and sad that we all learned this lesson the hard way. Yes, I said glad. Why? I would hate for my sons to be involved with someone like this, stay in relationship and then spend a life time just as my mom and my siblings and I did.
I am so glad there is help. We’ve had Sammy seek help and I know he has found this immensely helpful. I am not happy about the 50 hours of community service or the 2 classes he has to take (one being Anger Management… Yes I am lol at the irony, NOT).
This GF still trys to reach out to Sammy. I would like to press charges on her, which we had to wait to do. And yet, my Sammy wants us to just let it go. SO I have to count on the law to do the Keep Away even though she doesn’t seem to be regarding the law very well. Again…. LOL NOT.
Since this happened on Canadian Thanksgiving 2016, months have passed. I told Sammy I would like to write about this months ago. He agreed. And yet I have been unable to do so in a way that I know my God would be proud. SO I have had to wait. And Wait. And Wait. Yesterday as I watched my child walk up to the judge, a judge with kinda an attitude as she looked at each person, I wanted to yell out, YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG PERSONS HERE! And yet, we have to go through this. Sammy refuses to press charges. ( I must have done something right, lol). We did the whole court thing. I kissed him and dropped him off at home.
Today I am writing. I am writing to all the parents of boys out there. Let’s teach our boys to be kind and respectful. Yes. AND YET… please!!!! Please let us teach our boys to love themselves enough to not be abused. Let us teach them there is no shame in this, in setting boundaries. They are not to be abused, period. The same rules that we have for girls about being treated with kindness and respect, this is for boys too. It is a human being kind of rule.
There is so much I can write. There is so much that has been damaged. There is so much that was wrong that seemed to get away. And yet, you know, I am so grateful that my son came to us. I am so grateful that in the end, my boys, despite all the fighting and craziness, love each other and have each others back. I am grateful that my boys have friends that have their back. I am so grateful for the loyalty of a small town. I know I can’t write it all out, but I am so grateful that my boys being looked after.
Sigh. I love my boys. That seems like a word not sufficient enough. And yet, I am so grateful for a God that loves us beyond. I am grateful that God will forgive these mean people if they seek him.
As you can see, I haven’t written in a while. Lots of reasons and yet here I am, sharing… because as a mom of Boys to Men… this is so important. Maybe I’m stupid and yet I never knew to express this to my boys. I guess I trusted. I guess I was naive.