Finding "Church…"


We went to church today. I had hoped I would feel something dynamic. I really just wondered why I was here. Guilt, duty, wondering if my conscious needed to be cleansed? I didn’t really feel anything. I grew up in the church. We live in a bubble where if you are not church going it seems you are cast in the “not saved” category.

Do I really care? Not really. I just want to do what I right. I want to obey God. I feel church on in so many places. It used to be that the boys school was church. We went to a funeral a few weeks ago, that was church. Listening to Sanj play the piano while I am in bed squished with all the little bodies I love most is church.

I am tired of “shopping” for church. I wish it was all just simple. What am I looking for? Something different. I don’t want to settle. I want to feel “church.” That doesn’t have to happen in a building.

Church should happen every day, shouldn’t it? I find church in the gym, wondering at the questions my fairy believing friend tosses out there. I am being pushed to ask questions that I have never been asked. I am wondering how do you share the faith of a invisible God who I trust completely (well most of the time…) . How do you answer the if there is a God why does He allow unbearable pain? Faith… how do you teach it or pass it on or explain it?

I was thinking of the second coming… something I have learned from a babe. Jesus is coming. The time of trouble is upon us. We will need to run to the hills… we will be persecuted. The Mark of the Beast…

Today as I sat in church… I wondered about the emotions that those that don’t believe would feel as the Christ makes His way from heaven.

I don’t wonder if I will be ready. I used to worry about it all the time. Growing up, I always felt that I had to DO something to get to heaven… you know, read and pray every day, avoiding sinning… really just being perfect. I really believe that heaven is for all God’s children. He has children that just don’t know it or are in denial. Yet they are true Christians… every day. God’s love is so great that it has me covered. I just need to believe and strive to live everyday knowing it could be my last.

I have so many questions. I have very few answers. But I am realizing that the bubble I was in for so long was a small bubble. I am a bit lost as I look around me… on the outside. I am only accountable to God… and my own conscious.

It began with church today. Just disappointed because I REALLY wanted something. I realize that what I am looking for… is all around me. It isn’t something I can find (only) at church. It is God. He is everywhere. I feel Him in the strangest places. I just have to be open to receiving “church” wherever I find it.

This is not to discourage church… it is a blessing to many and to me for many years. I am sure I will experience “church” at church someday again. It just wasn’t today.
As I read this back… it is a lot of rambling. I almost deleted the whole thing. But again… it is my thoughts… just writing… releasing.

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