It is Easter Weekend … a time for reflection and giving thanks for mercies. For me, it is a time for truly being grateful for my belief in God. I really have appreciated the fact that I can have hope for a New Beginning with people I have loved and lost. I am grateful that I can have faith in a Father, that knows my beginning to my end. He knows the best of me and the worst. He knows me and Loves me in spite of all I am.
Easter weekend is a reminder of a great loss. It was around this time 5 years ago that I had a D&C. Miscarriages are not the kind of thing that we talk of or reflect on with great loss in our society. Yet for me, I was the loss of a dream. It was my 6th pregnancy, so in that 9 weeks I had already lived and dreamed for this little being.
It was a loss I have felt deep in my being. It was a huge letdown as I believed that God would grant my wish of a daughter with this child. I had such faith… I just believed. I am not sure why … but it wasn’t God’s will. It was such a reality check and a lesson in faith… This is the defining moment when my faith went from that of a child to that of an adult.
I felt such sadness as I went into the OR knowing that my dream was literally being sucked away from me.
I felt such loneliness as I trying to come to terms with all that was happening.
I felt such anger to God. Why? I could not handle this… I am not strong enough.
For me, it wasn’t time that was helping. I remember going to church that week. I only went because Sanj was on the praise team and wanted to be there to support him. The song, the words and then it was communion… it was all too much. I was SO angry. I was so hurt. I was so alone.
This is what Easter reminds me of. I makes me sad that I missed being that baby’s mom… It makes me long for heaven to feel the completion of my family. It makes me know that God sees my pain and hurt. It makes me then remember… Josh … my sweet baby, who loves me unbelievably, was born on Easter Sunday, 4 years ago. This is what Easter reminds me of … too.
I am so often told that I share such personal things here, in my blog. I know many get uncomfortable with my openness. Yet, I really believe that the experiences or thoughts I share are for me to learn from and share. If I can let one person who has experienced any of the life experiences I have… know that they are NOT ALONE… then my pain or sadness has had a purpose and it is worth it.
This Easter weekend as I will watch my children enjoy the hunt for eggs, get high on chocolate, I am reminded again that Jesus is the Reason for this too.