Have you ever watched that show Fear Factor? I loved watching it. It made people do things that made me shut my eyes to keep from watching. Eating gross things, driving a car off into a pool of water and then getting out…
It was also a show that showed how we can be scared of things that aren’t necessarily scary. It is our preception that sometimes effects our judgement.
This is the case in living life as a child that grew up with physical abuse.
As a child, there were certain sounds that sent my body into shock. The biggest one is the sound of someone falling down. That thunk that is heard when a body has fallen is the one that sends me into a few seconds of panic.
I was in university, and my third year I lived with a wonderful family. I have spoken of them in my blog. They were a special gift to me from God. A normal mom and dad, with 2 children, a boy and girl. Isn’t that what they call the million dollar family?
In exchange for room and board, I would watch their children when the parents were at work.
My room was in the basement. Shortly after I moved in, I hear that thunk sound. I couldn’t move. How in the world did I find this again?
I was petrified. I didn’t move. Then I heard the sounds of laughter. The kids were jumping off the sofa.
One of the things that drives Sanj nuts is my mom’s fear of everything. He can’t walk past her without her cowering. He takes it so personally that she would be scared of him. He can’t understand that when one lives a life of fear, it stays with them. Period. I live my life with the fear of “What if this time…”
We learned not to go into my mom’s room and touch her if she is asleep. She always jumped with fear. “Just call me…” she would tell us. Even now, when she is visiting, if I need to wake her up and call to her, she always wakes up startled and scared.
In my heart, I know that Sanj would never hit me or hurt me. If he hasn’t by now… especially when I messed up the skating rink… I know I am safe. (That was a joke)!
But still when he is angry, I feel myself cowering within. I may yell back or be all brave on the outside but inside I am feeling the fear that was instilled in me as a young girl. It doesn’t go away.
When I moved to Ottawa to teach, years ago, I lived in an apartment. I woke up to a body being slammed against the wall we shared. Oh My Gosh! Talk about fear. Screaming, yelling, and throwing.
I believe that fear is a factor of life for those that have lived with violence.
There is always a fear factor once violence has been in your life.
I don’t think that it necessarily has to rule your life… but sometimes it does.
I love with the fear that maybe someday, sometime, that will come back to me. I know that it won’t but then there are always circumstances that you have no control over.
For me, one of the ways of keeping myself safe is if you ever touch me, once… you are out. Out of my life. It is the hardest thing I have had to do, yet it is the only way I know to keep myself safe.
Fear Factor… sometimes you have not been given the choice of your fears.