I blogged about the frustrations of parenting my 14 year old. My cousin, my sweet, smart cousin, Cynthia, wrote a comment in response to it saying… “ it doesn’t help to know that 14 is when they are struggling to separate their identity from yours either … or that it is especially crucial for boys to separate from their mothers at this age. “
I forgot. Over the years as I watched Sammy and Sanj battle it out over hair styles, clothing and friends… I always worried about what would happen once the teenage years were upon us.
I never dreamed that I would be the one that was the target for his de-funk.
Here is a quote from Karen Vincent of Elite Life Coaching“
Often times mothers feel this pulling back more than fathers do. This is because mothers are generally seen as the nurturers and the caretakers (although not always) and therefore sons need to push their mothers away in order to begin to create their independence. This is obviously very concerning for a mother who may try harder to reach out to her son in an effort to increase communication and to remain actively involved in his life. This, however, is actually not helpful and can create and increase in opposition, isolation or family discord. Understanding the reason for the behavior can be helpful for mothers so that they do not take this pulling back personally and can allow their son some space to begin to develop independence. Sometimes this pulling back is not so obvious with fathers, however, it still exists. Sons may connect with their fathers around other things (playing sports, a game on the TV, a project in the house) while maintaining an emotional distance during this time of developing independence.
Boys more often than not will isolate and avoid confrontation when possible. However, that is not to say that boys do not display strong, negative emotions towards their parents which can be scary and very problematic. Yelling by adolescent males can be very aggressive and threatening in nature and at times the anger turns physical which can result in their throwing things, breaking things and at times even lashing out physically at a parent. As is already stated, this can be very scary for both the adolescent who has likely grown in size and strength and for the parent.
Can I say... well la tee da! Hum... how many diapers did I change? How much I suffered while trying to master the art of nursing... ouch! OK… it is a phase. I am a grown up. I am suppose to be well adjusted and handle all these changes. But you want to know the truth? I am ill equipped.
Maybe I should have taken up golf or hockey? Or maybe I can just relax a bit. It is on Sanj. Have fun with the bonding and all that stuff. I guess I was lucky enough to have the last 12.5 years of being loved. Oh yah, I still have 5 others that still show their love.
Guess if and when Tyler goes through this next year, I will be better prepared.
Do other parents go into this … the teen years knowing all this stuff? How did I miss it? I am so good about reading and understand the phases of childhood. I must have read “What to Expect When Expecting” 7 times! If there a version I missed?
OK… I am not complaining. Thank you so much Cynthia, for pointing that out. I missed it. I was so busy taking it personally.
By the time Josh comes around for the ride, I will just check out and go backpacking in Europe! Yahoo! I can’t wait!